The Hollywood I knew is a kingdom of lights inside
frosted glass, nestled in time and fashion

between the Pantheon and the World Trade Center;
Beautiful and ******. Mine, a slouching, wrinkled

hung-over pilgrimage. Consider this tale: Awakened as a young man
by the work of a master, I wrote a very fine novel—a pretty

bit of gibberish which I fancied to be as magic as Keats.
But criticism is as inevitable as breathing

Or drinking.
I know what it means to want

to escape these things. Pretty sparks danced on Hollywood Boulevard,
blonde little fairies whose clothes burned right off

to countless hours of music.
One drew near me—whispered in my ear:

“We want more plagiarism,” she said.
And I wrote scripts, turning hack,

back, and a thought floating, repeating
endlessly martyred—personality spent

I know what it means
To want to escape these things

So I drank
A little more

Just a little and in the other room we had a scene
And she burned me between the legs.

And so, a cultivated man of middle-age, and in harmony
With the best English style of the early Victorian period,

I expired.

endlessly martyred—personality spent
I know what it means to escape these things.
To go to the pictures on warm evenings in June
is to want to escape.

In the mushroom-growing darkness,
Sweet and silent--in its own way--

Everything presents itself as familiar.

Endless cars rush by the window
in flashes of silver, black, and white
and almost like clockwork
the bus stops just outside
in regular intervals
and endless people
hobble by the window
in flashes of middle, lower, and no class
and outside the addicts
try to turn the very air they breathe
into gun metal blue
puffs of cigarette smoke
and inside people read newspapers
and try to talk,
to think,
to work,
over the rough din
of coffee machines competing with
beautiful jazz trumpets and saxophones
and there's an old black man
and a slightly less old white man
they are friends, and they sit next to me
talking about money and work
and how they wonder
if Joe ever moved into his new place
and it made me wonder too
the old black man
has his eye on an old
antique Spanish coin
he's just waiting for the price to go down
and there are people
their faces obscured by the screens of their laptops
who flutter between
their work and social media
there's an energy about the place
that we all seem to share
as if we are all a part of a bigger community
even if we don't recognize it
just a rag tag group
of transient people
who don't really have
anywhere else to be

It was the time of summer where every kid had silently realized that it was ending,
No longer halfway through, no longer half full
Leaking and spilling out,
like the gas in my twenty two year old car
We couldn’t stop it,
And the moments of high school summertime
The moments that supposedly turn into stories we tell forever
Hadn’t seemed to have happened.

Both of us on the swing lazily swung
Dizzily from side to side.
Climbing forward, falling in reverse
Our combined bodyweight shifting back and forth
Tanned legs kicking up in an attempt at unison on every backwards glide.
Gravity hung us there,
Pulling the swing toward the ground no matter the rotation.

I sat on top.
I wore bleached shorts and bleached hair.
I worried that gravity or more so my value to it
would crush him.


At the same time, I felt unbelievably small.


The air pressed in on me from all angles,
it touched my bare legs
it easily waffled my shirt.

“Mel, if you were squishing me, I would let you know”,
he assured with a cocky tone of his very own that somehow made me feel special.
I couldn’t help but think he was only trying to be tough
Attempting to let sheer willpower overweigh my well earned quads,
My six foot frame.
The awkward body I never quite grew into
Never knew how to masterfully control
Never knew how to fill.
Though I secretly (wanted to) truly believe him

On this humid night I felt like the ball was in my court,
Like I could do anything and everything.
That nothing could go wrong
That the boy that I was sitting on was genuine
And that I could simply drive off to wherever.

(I had a full tank of gas and enough money to get me to Alabama).

I felt small in this,
in this infinity of possibility all around me.
Like a weight was pushing into me
Putting on pressure that couldn’t be ignored
That shrunk me just enough.
I felt powerless to fate
Powerless to this planet
To this grand, glorified hunk of earth which was so much greater than me
(and surely my insignificant weight anxieties).

I felt like the gas was leaking out faster than I could use it.
I felt like my infinity was disappearing as I swung within it.


Just like that, I let the ball drop and the gas leak out.
We just kept swinging.
Laughing,
Wasting,
Talking,

Dying.

Smile so soft, eyes so clear
Thoughts adrift none doth hear
Moonlight fell upon, a glorious glow
Came to life, sure but slow
Sparks did ignite
Brought about a crystal light
Long, slow, and sweet
Urgent, passionate, deep
Love this true
Spurred a life renewed
Now from within
Far beyond and in
Desire for true love's face
Hope to bring about one's fate
Hold so strong, so sure
Heart so warm, so pure
Promise this I so
'Till my last breath draws through
Earth to sky, sea to sea
Our love will forever be

Warmth so vast
May it everlast
Embrace, oh! Sweet embrace!
For if gone, none shall replace
Fly away unto the star
Take this love, for love to far
Hide it there but show to all
For if this be foolish, may it fall
Blessed be this loving heart
Joined with two, never part
Now and forever, we unite
True lovers, blue and white
From the first dawn to that far away dusk
Fill the air with love's eternal musk
In heart, in soul, in true love's whole
Together, two hearts become full
A vow never to end
Pure and true, unable to break or bend
With all I am, I promise thee
Our love will forever be

I tried to love you
With every bit of my soul.
But it wasn't enough, i wasn't.
I gave you glimpses of me
The me i kept locked away from everyone else
Vulnerable, broken, needy.
You simply turned and walked away
And like a broken clock am stuck on you.
Your face and smile
Your warm embrace.
You cut me to pieces with your indifference
And still i yearn for you.

On the train going home an eleven hour ride
Could be a drain on the body. Thinking about all the things that matter
Mind is focused while the heart wants more
Wrote deep thoughts in lyrics
Thinking of ways to be open
Don't want to be judged or feel obligated
Only want true love but no one to be true
Or show me love
Easy to open up sexually than for a person to open their heart
Too many times lust is mistaken for love
Mixed signs emotions hard to let go
But staying the pain starts to show
Stay and love me or you could hate me but you have to go
If it feels right you'll show me love
If you truly love you'll treat one another
Equal do it right not trying to fight
I'll fight for you but don't pick a fight
I'll defend you but don't offend me
Well figure it out together give me a choice

have you ever not wanted to remember
[wanted to forget]
keep memories hidden
[pushed/stored away, call it "repressed"]
so you wouldn't have to feel
(so you don't have 'regret').

but locked not so tight enough in your head,
    thoughts, feelings and dreams
         all flood in 'till your brain is bled. ..
                            'till your brain is lead ..
down a dark road of hurt and deceit
of abuse and lies,    explosions that leave..
                                 people who are ready for death alive,
                                and boys too young in life just,  
                                                                ­                         .... die


well then my friend, there's your answer in its simplest form
                                                            ­           ("what's P.T.S.D?")

a light breeze on bare chest,
while the sun bakes the sweat on your back
a deep breath of ocean air,
while the energy of a city runs through your veins
a moment of bliss,
while the world crumbles all around you