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The flames never settled
You just joined my inferno
I'm sorry.
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
i thought i wrote you another poem
but really i just went empty for 3 hours
and dreamed of hammering nails into my forearm
(but now i guess i'm writing you a poem)

i like you
to the sweet side of this:
(240) - Modern Baseball
"'this is about a girl i like' 'you mean love?' 'no i mean like' 'you mean love.' 'well maybe you're...well maybe you're right.'"
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
maybe sometimes I'm not happy
and sometimes I acknowledge that
and maybe sometimes when you tell me,
"you can tell me anything,"
I believe you
so I try
sometimes, maybe I try
maybe I am still terrified, though
because I am still trying to figure out what words are scrambling through my head and how to put them together in a way that makes sense.
Maybe you'll never know because
I don't care about myself all that much.
I don't want to talk about me or tell you how sometimes
I am empty in a way that it feels like I'm drowning
-kind of like I want to, but mainly like I already have-
because I don't want to be a sad story.
I wish I never was in the mood to make up excuses for why I had to go home and sit by myself,
I wish I always wanted to get up and be something more than a waste of a body.
I want you to think I am more than that,
so please don't ask me to tell you anything,
please just tell me about you
PLEASE JUST TELL ME ABOUT YOU
and I will hold you when you need me to
I will laugh with you when you need me to
I will cry for you when you're too tired to
I will lay next to you and do nothing, if that's what you need
please tell me about you and let me ignore me
this is a mess and i am holding back tears and i constantly feel like i'm doing something wrong
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
hm
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
hm
sometimes i think i'm telling a joke
and then i think about it for too long
and realize again how quickly time can pass
and how easily people change and forget each other
and how (speaking of easy) it is way too easy to remember that life is pointless
so sometimes maybe when i'm trying to tell a joke
I am actually trying to distract myself
and find a point in flashing teeth
(mainly my own)
not that i can even think of jokes most of the time, not that i'm ever funny hahah do i even tell jokes
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
random things start beeping in my home so every time i almost drift to sleep, i am reawakened by bomb countdowns and the thought that maybe I don't believe you and maybe that's okay
also my dog is laying next to me and staring up the stairs because he is too tired to walk up them
and tomorrow morning i will also be too tired to climb stairs but i will pretend i am strong
because i am expected to be
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
"MAYBE" IS THE ONLY CONSTANT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY
AND I ******* HATE THE WORD MAYBE
WHY CAN'T I SAY YES
OR NO
OR *******
"DEFINITELY"
hahaha *******, this isn't a poem, i don't write poems
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
every night i shower and brush my teeth and shave and try to look cute in my boy-short ******* and big flannel shirt because every night i hope i'll sneak out to see him
but i don't
and i miss him
and my chest aches
edfefdfdgf
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
I could be camping but instead i'm staring at my wrists wishing they'd blush
(ya feel me?)
I just want to be where the trees are
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
i'd like to be dangerously balancing between
that look in your eyes
and
the way you lick your lips
right on the verge of
"maybe I'll do this"
as my hand slides down to your hip
idk, i also wouldn't mind just holding your hand
i really just want to hold your hand

k
 Jul 2014 Marshall CB Hiatt
fdg
maybe i can't control the tone of your voice
but i can control the amount of flesh on my bones
and i can control when the earth swallows me whole
i'm not cutting myself today, just daydreaming, ***. (i don't want to die, just sometimes i think i do)
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