It is the peace
Of this moment
It seems to flow
Out, down, along
Familiar creases
Of an aged and worn,
Tired face gazing up
Slight smile playing
A sigh so soft, goes
As colors, every one
I had ever known, rise
And falling, but gently
Floating and growing
Once free those lips
Smiling now, slightly
These shades feel right
Like lightning in a storm,
Waves crashing, the sun rising
Outside of time, I am,
Brilliant and wonderful
I escape, this,
at long last
Reuniting, as
and of now
every color
of this, that, known
Now, this
The way of ending
that thought, so brief
Than, No more
and I am at peace.
I am found.  
Content.
Welcomed Home.
I am returned,
Unto and throughout,
Every rainbow,
all the colors of this world.

I am...

Beautiful.

In this may be found
Breath taking
Sums of plunder and power
Beyond the fabled ether
As God's have come to fall
I am forever, worth these folds
Creases against the very necks
Passion beating flowing within
Calling and craving to be known
Sense and far opposite talent
Do I plan my tale as confession
Before the all knowing masses
Lest they label or offer less interest
I choose no filters or  any other rule
So the bitterest tasting flesh is
Uncooked fresh and ****** digested.
Lost sight, floundered and posted anyway
To record my thoughts as they honestly are.
When far off the man I may be then reads and wonders what on earth had I been thinking.

With applicated force
Pressure builds upon the wheel
So the wheel obeys
Turning as it does  
It grinds upon a stone
Throwing red hot embers
Creating light from invisibility
Ill use this miracle
Borrow from flame, heat
To do an awful thing
Breathing in that does
Create the holes
The space from me
To the rest of the you
Fueling my mind as it drills its holes
Aging the reflection as it does
Going along these thoughts
Too weak to do differently
As the glass holds
My worst sort of mistake
The foretold end to this machine
So then I can be free

What?
Does an affirmation
In itself take?

So much more.

More than offered here?
Thousands?

Words poured.

In better ways than mine?
To take the need away.

Take these things.

Take so much to take
What little I fail to say.

I see it in the smiles
as I do or say
or jokingly play away
all the flaws  
That lay just behind
right inside my eyes
those windows within
that if caught
do tell
that the smile
the humorous portrait
is but to hide
the truth
of how I can be
how I feel
the extent
of inadequacies
and loathing
that laughter hides away
Only okay
only how one finds me.

Might be I chose this rotten rut

Stinging lights that scream as they do

Whilst loose fronts invite but seed off

Why not im lighter because of the effort

Imagination fell short.

I am, can be...
Not right here,
And not right now...
Much more than I've ever
owned up to.
I can be above even the lowest
Those are moments
And those moments are down there.
I will continue to climb.
Ahead to the very top of
The mountains of my life.
To the greatest of beyonds
Well above my lowest lows
So much higher than right here.
Live my life, doing right in my life
I will climb from the dark to the light.
I will, I am, I will climb.

I cannot say
I saw things could
Ever would
Play out this way
Life can be crazy
It can change
The way we do
Ways we think
We Better off
Long passed pain
The crushing weight
Loss brings
Pulled too far along
Out of reach
Caught up in
The day to day
Making we
Nothing but
An after thought

Because it is easier
to tell myself I will never have again.
And to close that part of life
with imagined hope for what was.
Because hurting once was enough.
yet, knowing for too long following
a sense of never being enough
and viewing each day since as proof
of such.  
Truthfully, the more difficult is this
life lived closed and guarded
knowing what isn't coming back
knowing, and choosing to live
accepting a sorrowful loss
cause it is easier than moving on.

The day is growing to half over
And I have yet the spark to create,
Trying feels like an out of reach dream
Strength is a distant memory.

The whispered breath
From behind, against my sense
Of well worn, welcome
Back again, the lips left unsaid
Sad sad day or ringing
Clearly as a crowd of mourners
The day, so close I barely hear them
What is this non sense
I'm not, to his won't,
Echo in the eyes as I the ears
Might hear what my lips
Did not.

This light I spin my world around
This day and night type design
The warmth cast upon from above
How completely the heavens hold
Every once around I get, a blessing,
a gift like dawn coming to set again
As brilliant and perfect each is
I am amazed and insignificant
Simply along for but a brief tick
But in love and humbled to witness
Our place in the heavens
This embrace of sol

Why do you do this?
Just enough to lure?
Not so much as to welcome.
Timed perfect to when I get you out.
Just enough to create a need again.
Or second guessing your reasons.
The need in my breast is the feel of that last kiss.
My unwillingness to forget is just enough
To bind my dreams to you
Blind me to how you are and will never be
Too much. For me.  Within touch.
Just enough to let me think maybe.  One day.

In an amazing fashion today
Emotions broiled for lack of medication
The daylight as seen behind my closed wet eyes
A complexity's riddle of swirling reds, melting shades
Of midnight blues to explode against my lens yellow
A kaleidoscope of so many runaway misconceptions
I thought and lost hold then filled the role of passenger
Witness within without control watching
The systematic sabotage of something good being broken
It was my voice, but all too strongly laced with malice
My words sent by my device and typed out by hands like mine
Hurtful accusations that I knew could not be true
Blame and shame and petty thinking were tools that ruined
I fought, but I couldn't make my mind stop racing
Only break up a little more inside know the consequences
She would hate me, put up walls and take away new roads
Rightly so, I know how unstable my cursed and hated self
Looks to those that stand too close when it gets out
I've more than once lost and had to go alone following
Each time I've been made a passanger witness within
Again and again and I know, that connection it broke
Is gone for good, I hate him I hate that I am him to the world outside of my skin.

I am not this vessel
I am fluid that will one day evaporate.
This vessel is half full.
And days seem hotter
Draining more and more
Until it rains again to fill it.
Then that fluid will do as I do.

These stars shine and though less enticing
Still sparkle as ground bound fail to incline.
Some.  Not all.  Not every.  Not I.  Not tonight.
I appreciate honest. Frequently I do.
And, admit.  Admire. Fathom so far! Yet more so ancient! Awed by their presence twinkling any other time countless.  incredible and caught in their conundrums throughout my small, small, insignificant mind.  But tonight I am inward.  Where does such an equal space as that of high now occupy as this hollowness and lack I feel within.  So very missing.  Held Hollow and unable to see anything else but my lonely heart in which none do light.

So I say
To the king of
A land filled
With refuse
"What a lovely pile"
With a smile and
now deeply bowing
"Your Highness"
Upon a mound
Of broken, tossed away
Treasures
"Yours is the nicest"

It is in the days of eager tastes of everything
The peculiar perspectives of knowing less than not knowing assuming that you did.
When attempts at being valid came coupled with often hindsight harsh clarity.
No longer a child, limboed outside of the person you would one day become.  
When each mistake, taught to one of that one had sense enough to listen.
Often it was the first immersion into love, and lusts fueled by the awkward beauty of changes each must go through. You liked her and she liked you.  The dance of nerves and firsts that introduced amazing and intimately discovered trusts, betrayals, love and consequences very real and some life changing.  Love when so young, so fresh and near sighted, allows the best and worst of any who try it. But long after those lessons are lost to the cadence of life song. Those memories stay rooted firmly and come to thought in vivid clarity.  For me, I see her as she was. I smile at the promises only youth can dream up.  Wonder if only, to some.  What if to plenty.  How might I have done or said, to one's I never did say, or acted in honest declaration.  They were all I wanted but I did not tell them. The ones that got away will be the ones I miss most.  Thoughts on a page.

Is it alright, when my eyes fall
In thyme with your smile?

Was this why that light fades
When yours find mine?

I could be insecure, casting signals?
You are gravity in a room you know?

Navigation is delicate near such attraction takes focus.

Not staring I chastise inside
Did you see my lips moving?

Fill out this form and I'll let you go

I
  MOVE
             TO
                 KNOW
                              THE
                                      POI
                                           N
                                            T

                                            I

                                            W
                                             I
                                             L
                                             L

                                            NOT

At what phase of endless night and day,
day into night shifting might one find,
The sought after point?  
That fabled, miraculously frozen moment?
Free of how too often, low
So SO many of us are feeling?

I say "us", though I know too well
to each, this is "I", just "me", and "alone".

Do you know the point at which I inquire?
Have you been there?
Is it much farther to go from here?

I am weary of the constant seeking.
Faith in such a moment thins
to near less a whispered sweet
Nothing, to my hardened souls ear now.

Come too far now,
I once thought.
Now,..
Is this...

That point?

I sing to the night private melodies
Cause they help me
Yes, they help me
Through my ways.

And there is a weight
Such a weight I hold
Pressing down, always down
My ways, my ways
Each day, every day

Silent melodies,
Take away my ways

Promise a light, innocent thing
A gesture at times simply said
Enough to warrant disappointment
Though I know I never meant to
I sometimes misplace intent
I don't mean too.  I'm awful
To not do all I thought to
But I get that you don't trust
The Intent that I meant to
After all words are often meaningless
and intent alone won't do much more
Than lose the trust of those that matter most.

It began.
With beautiful reason
Whispered
Her words echoed within
And it began...
The foundation weakened
Little pieces shift
Crumble to break loose
Falling free to fall
Each a tethered memory
Pulling the man
Into the deep despair
Down to an end
Beneath the beautiful lips
That said them.
There those memories
The man keeps
Beautiful reasons beneath.

Endless, outside of Time's eye
Have like mine, the twisted inner wards
flickered to near nothing against
Like such as those, yours
Another's pressing, persistence
of inner dialog, thrumming a longing note.
Such a note that haunts the mind
so it owns all want, every delight
each and every night it calls
coming.
each and every time until my ache
and the need of one's heart to heal
are never given the time.
Time it seems, never see how hard I've tried.

I find, this night, myself, caught
In the middle, of a midst
Quite the example, of an emotional pickle
I have a need, to miss you, or long after
My oh my, do I...
Times as this moment of which I write
Every fiber of my world unwinds,
As I imagine to feel you near me
Therein resides that perplexed piece
To this pickle puzzle I am at such a loss for.

How can I miss, or feel my heart, lonely, thinking what if only...
I have yet to meet you.  If at all you do exist?
Regardless, I do.  I miss and hope that soon I get to meet you.

A puzzled thing of thoughts.
Its own harsh judge
Watching always this mess of
Nothing great and nothing grand.
Two parts of one facing off.
Desperate for and too guarded.
Loving, outwardly too much
To entertain such notions,
Placed purposely by subtle sabotage.
Sculpting the view the two sides
Agree to see him to be.
Now I'm realizing what's been done.
Too long, too far gone, too late to change
Back to anything the one may want.
Ive brought this on and I ****** up
Adjust my acceptance to a lonely
Life to wait through until gone
Because I've been afraid and I got exactly what cowards ought to.  
An awful thought to wake up each day believing.

I want and try so completely
This time to write, to weave
These wishes limited by
words, my words.
hard chosen.
Praying that they will
Fall and wrap lovingly, comfortably,
Forever, and always, around you
As if,.. To be your very own,
Most bestest, favorite blanket.
That they blanket you safe.
And, away.

From the perspective
Eyes like mine
Have come to view...
You.

No longer so nice
Not innocent
Only goodbyes

From the used to
Hold,..
The last, Newest and greatest.

Leading, curling, twisting as if cursive
my path seemingly writes it's way back
again, to the moat right outside
Your now closed stronghold.
I am at siege, with no army.
My heart, demands an audience
perhaps to provoke something>
poetic ending, closure?

As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for