In this may be found
Breath taking
Sums of plunder and power
Beyond the fabled ether
As God's have come to fall
I am forever, worth these folds
Creases against the very necks
Passion beating flowing within
Calling and craving to be known
Sense and far opposite talent
Do I plan my tale as confession
Before the all knowing masses
Lest they label or offer less interest
I choose no filters or  any other rule
So the bitterest tasting flesh is
Uncooked fresh and ****** digested.
Lost sight, floundered and posted anyway
To record my thoughts as they honestly are.
When far off the man I may be then reads and wonders what on earth had I been thinking.

I
  MOVE
             TO
                 KNOW
                              THE
                                      POI
                                           N
                                            T

                                            I

                                            W
                                             I
                                             L
                                             L

                                            NOT

Allow One, to the past
But there they need leave it
One may clarify then.
A word misunderstood?
Deed less than?

One need only live today
though long for what has gone
so long as not lose sight of here and now.
Now is real.  Now is precious.

Though do know
Now holds possible hurt.
Hurt when not felt and understood
well, it will stay in the now.
Only when one lets it.

Take these words to heart.
For the difficult lessons such was learned from
Trust that it returns in words,
and its edge never cleaves as deep
If firmly present here and now.

Even the One
Very, very best reason
may endure.

But We

Endure... Love

if i seem out of touch
am i lost in search of
are my reasons
alone as i too often seem
my own to be held dearly
against my chest my secret
leading me in search of
a place or being
to fit and be part of once was
is that then me lost
or in need of that which is
what was and was lost?

So I say
To the king of
A land filled
With refuse
"What a lovely pile"
With a smile and
now deeply bowing
"Your Highness"
Upon a mound
Of broken, tossed away
Treasures
"Yours is the nicest"

This way following that
That happened again.
Folly, stitched neatly this
Predictable wavey pattern
Weaving in and through out
What was once was not
Again the words I try after
Not to hold not to lock away
But to borrow as they too do
Hate me as only you so deserving
So by I won't strung along
Loaned words that elude
To draw the inner rolling hurt
I've gone this time the last time
I won't write how badly I
Won't.  Write without broken
Intent, coiled up and strewn about
As I once relished bitterly engrossed
Forcing my selfish failings
Won't discribe or talk away guilt
Seeking praise or atonement
I am in this place where alone
Drapped upon shaking reluctance
Is the smothering blanket of my life
I won't write to run and hide
As I've done to you, time again
This time, again.  I won't

Why do you do this?
Just enough to lure?
Not so much as to welcome.
Timed perfect to when I get you out.
Just enough to create a need again.
Or second guessing your reasons.
The need in my breast is the feel of that last kiss.
My unwillingness to forget is just enough
To bind my dreams to you
Blind me to how you are and will never be
Too much. For me.  Within touch.
Just enough to let me think maybe.  One day.

It began.
With beautiful reason
Whispered
Her words echoed within
And it began...
The foundation weakened
Little pieces shift
Crumble to break loose
Falling free to fall
Each a tethered memory
Pulling the man
Into the deep despair
Down to an end
Beneath the beautiful lips
That said them.
There those memories
The man keeps
Beautiful reasons beneath.

I see it in the smiles
as I do or say
or jokingly play away
all the flaws  
That lay just behind
right inside my eyes
those windows within
that if caught
do tell
that the smile
the humorous portrait
is but to hide
the truth
of how I can be
how I feel
the extent
of inadequacies
and loathing
that laughter hides away
Only okay
only how one finds me.

Because it is easier
to tell myself I will never have again.
And to close that part of life
with imagined hope for what was.
Because hurting once was enough.
yet, knowing for too long following
a sense of never being enough
and viewing each day since as proof
of such.  
Truthfully, the more difficult is this
life lived closed and guarded
knowing what isn't coming back
knowing, and choosing to live
accepting a sorrowful loss
cause it is easier than moving on.

A puzzled thing of thoughts.
Its own harsh judge
Watching always this mess of
Nothing great and nothing grand.
Two parts of one facing off.
Desperate for and too guarded.
Loving, outwardly too much
To entertain such notions,
Placed purposely by subtle sabotage.
Sculpting the view the two sides
Agree to see him to be.
Now I'm realizing what's been done.
Too long, too far gone, too late to change
Back to anything the one may want.
Ive brought this on and I ****** up
Adjust my acceptance to a lonely
Life to wait through until gone
Because I've been afraid and I got exactly what cowards ought to.  
An awful thought to wake up each day believing.

The morning arrives as it does
While I sip and process the state.
Weather holds, my day is filling
With some good, other less things.
I process those and recognition comes

Good morning Shade.  Another visit today?
My hand reaching for the bottle of pills.
I am quite alright without the need or the want, to focus on the negatives.  But negatives and I securities, they are all you ever bring with you.  If I do not entertain your notions and paranoid delusions, you cause trouble or increase the imagined problems until I succumb.  And I stay inside, safe as you say while my life and my responsibilities become really are in tatters when I'm once again free of you and your depressing methods.  I will not play this circular game.  To you I say good day.  As I take the pill and affirm you away.

I sing to the night private melodies
Cause they help me
Yes, they help me
Through my ways.

And there is a weight
Such a weight I hold
Pressing down, always down
My ways, my ways
Each day, every day

Silent melodies,
Take away my ways

If I could
  want You more;
     I would burst
       Into countless
         droplets of pain.

If one look
To have stole
this heart here;
I might have
again within
mine back again.

If I failed
to be He;
Your Mr. Right .

If You weren't
exactly perfect;
I'd be no less
caught in your eyes.

I'd never have You;
Time and place.
Inevitably.

If I had more
Of Your eyes;
I would burst
Into countless droplets
Of pure joy.

If one touch
Made You want;
Inevitably
You would decide...

Speak if this no more
Spring still shines outside
Invitingly pleasant
Pretend this was nothing
You never saw or wanting
I will not betray our
Song birds call from beyond
Taste of whatever this now
Never was lays lightly upon
Lips that forget so as to never slip
Things that never happened
No more guilt to be hoarded
As consciousness wants this truth
Our secrets consume

These stars shine and though less enticing
Still sparkle as ground bound fail to incline.
Some.  Not all.  Not every.  Not I.  Not tonight.
I appreciate honest. Frequently I do.
And, admit.  Admire. Fathom so far! Yet more so ancient! Awed by their presence twinkling any other time countless.  incredible and caught in their conundrums throughout my small, small, insignificant mind.  But tonight I am inward.  Where does such an equal space as that of high now occupy as this hollowness and lack I feel within.  So very missing.  Held Hollow and unable to see anything else but my lonely heart in which none do light.

As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for

Endless, outside of Time's eye
Have like mine, the twisted inner wards
flickered to near nothing against
Like such as those, yours
Another's pressing, persistence
of inner dialog, thrumming a longing note.
Such a note that haunts the mind
so it owns all want, every delight
each and every night it calls
coming.
each and every time until my ache
and the need of one's heart to heal
are never given the time.
Time it seems, never see how hard I've tried.

A little of the ways
That in meaningful associations
Indeed seemingly do so
Contribute to the whole
This soul, a man  
A being.
Seeking out
What it is to simply be.
Make that being,
That is oft lost
Steadily climbing
Declining
Describing with little
Ability, less talent
The wars waged beneath
And the collateral damage
Unseen.

I find, this night, myself, caught
In the middle, of a midst
Quite the example, of an emotional pickle
I have a need, to miss you, or long after
My oh my, do I...
Times as this moment of which I write
Every fiber of my world unwinds,
As I imagine to feel you near me
Therein resides that perplexed piece
To this pickle puzzle I am at such a loss for.

How can I miss, or feel my heart, lonely, thinking what if only...
I have yet to meet you.  If at all you do exist?
Regardless, I do.  I miss and hope that soon I get to meet you.

At what phase of endless night and day,
day into night shifting might one find,
The sought after point?  
That fabled, miraculously frozen moment?
Free of how too often, low
So SO many of us are feeling?

I say "us", though I know too well
to each, this is "I", just "me", and "alone".

Do you know the point at which I inquire?
Have you been there?
Is it much farther to go from here?

I am weary of the constant seeking.
Faith in such a moment thins
to near less a whispered sweet
Nothing, to my hardened souls ear now.

Come too far now,
I once thought.
Now,..
Is this...

That point?

Promise a light, innocent thing
A gesture at times simply said
Enough to warrant disappointment
Though I know I never meant to
I sometimes misplace intent
I don't mean too.  I'm awful
To not do all I thought to
But I get that you don't trust
The Intent that I meant to
After all words are often meaningless
and intent alone won't do much more
Than lose the trust of those that matter most.

The way my eyes and mind seemingly pursuit vastly different avenues at one time is nearly as amazing as the realized notion that I am still hung up on you.  While at work, relaxing and other activities you seem to come into and gather the part of my mind that can see with out eyes, outside of time. There we are and I remember.  But the memory of touch, of kisses, cuddling, love and... Those sensations I can only watch as they happened.  I do not relive or feel them.  Even where you remain mine.  It is not the same.  And I wonder what your kisses felt like when you pressed those perfect lips to mine.  I know I enjoyed it.  I miss it.

I am, can be...
Not right here,
And not right now...
Much more than I've ever
owned up to.
I can be above even the lowest
Those are moments
And those moments are down there.
I will continue to climb.
Ahead to the very top of
The mountains of my life.
To the greatest of beyonds
Well above my lowest lows
So much higher than right here.
Live my life, doing right in my life
I will climb from the dark to the light.
I will, I am, I will climb.

The whispered breath
From behind, against my sense
Of well worn, welcome
Back again, the lips left unsaid
Sad sad day or ringing
Clearly as a crowd of mourners
The day, so close I barely hear them
What is this non sense
I'm not, to his won't,
Echo in the eyes as I the ears
Might hear what my lips
Did not.