I think I want to change

Feel that I am ready

Living as I have this way

Leaves me alone and empty

I think I need to change

How can I be myself

any other way than now

but it is said people change

I need help.

Cold floor; Dark room prison
So trying the mind can be.
Open door; yet I remain
Nearly motionless; a stone.
Bathed in shades of shadow.
Contemplating the right way
If I can be; If I am willing
Staring at the floor unfocused
Could the answer be beneath
Buried; Hidden
Safe?
Could Be...

A shadow hides beneath
at the zenith as it reaches
the smallest projection
of how the gods must view me.

And I accept this?

No need is there
For you, fear not
I will not judge,
could never not
love with the entirety
of a father's heart.
No secret is required.
You'll never be any less
to the eyes that know you
as do those of mine.
I love, will love, always
No matter will sway this.
Know that no need be there
To not be true, to yourself
because I raised you to be
To me, you're nothing less
than perfect.  
Believe this.

I don't know...
Until i do.
What it means to miss someone
To long for conversation
Or be a rock in a storm
Be a reason for spontaneous purchase
recipient of affections
one half of a whole
being wanted as reward
I don't know
Not anymore

Are we at the late or early stage
of a moment in a unique time?

Should we say goodnight and accept
such moments are even real to the likes
of you and I?

Could we not?  Refuse the death of one cycle
of one day that in my heart resounds and outlasts
the grasp of all else but how we felt?

And if we do relent and bid reluctant pardons?

How long to relive and reunite should the sun
choose never again to rise?

One more moment, You and I.

You have no understanding
of how often
Unspoken;
These, my musings
thwart the rhythmic crumbling
of my heart.

how brief; between

these lulles; awaken
a result not unlike
heaven igniting

lightning; Arcs out
impressive warnings such

Turmoil impending

As are your storms borne
frequent and every memory
thoughts often; a steel rod,...

You were my sky;
filling my lungs with life

Fuel to my beating heart…

now crumbling

And,.

without. hollow.

You.. were,..

everything right.

Here I stand with every tool
Equipped and good intentions
Only to find parts broken
Outside of my scope, skills wanting
Unable to make right such wrongs
Choking on the words of promise
But if I could I would I whisper
this is beyond my abilities
I place my tools inside their drawers
I'm sorry.

Ignited, one burns to die
Then from ashes, rise again.

A tear falls, it's end evaporated
Invisible it reappears in the heavens
Where it returns a torrential downpour

What happens if they each
Bear the other's as witness?

None of us really know do we?
Even the greats had to wait
So we flounder and hope
Assume then reassume after debate
There are those that want more
Others that grow bitter some jaded
But they wait as another way
Is known not any less than fully
From which is a step too far
Breaking this plane to be taken
To be trapped where ever, whenever
Then is and where we all go
So unknown here tethered
Separated by such a thing as fate.
Even the monsters that prey upon
The devoted, the imitated, the common
Boggle about doing this and that
But really wait.  We wait .

Melancholic
How I cling to
Forever far off
Farther behind you
Where words cannot
My eyes try
Denied my heart
And foolishly still I
Cling to the wish
How I miss you.

She stared down at the silhouette
As it rushes up to meet her.
She made no noise, she didn't scream
Her broken wings trailing behind.
All she seemed to think
was nothing would save her
And she didn't care.

Stares they seem to touch me
Brush against my hardened shield.
I no longer fail to confront them
I know if I turn they won't be there
At times I start to worry for my mental health
Cause countless times I felt a fool
Paranoid dispite no proof
My eyes would never cease
to scrutinize the room
The person present besides me
Was always different and nobody I knew
These times I might have been paralyzed
Or chose to up and run back home
In the darkness was the safety of my room.
My lonely life, was still my terrible truth
If was crazy then just maybe I should not
Submit the eyes to my demise.  
But when you're crazy, please tell me
How to know the truth?
I feel the eyes.  Or maybe I've come too have a ***** loose?

Waters flowing to wide
Inside my heart insists
beyond the line of earth and sky
A place for those that dare it
but to enter the endless fuel of oceans
is to leave this place to nowhere certain
endless possibilities in death
Nay, what I seek is beyond mirrored shores
A land that promises only the brave
risk for reward of inner peace
belonging to something and introduction
to a calling, contentment and a name bestowed
reputation only of that which is demonstrated
a new beginning.  
I will know this, for I aim to build a bridge
to walk there safely, outsmarting foolish tests.
A better way to pursue this quest.

Reading thoughts owned and placed for hidden purpose
I begin to notice a pattern that is one of searching
travels and sought after views, of seeking and wanting
another life, or, appreciative reflection
of places I have never been, or that elude
when in truth, I have been no where, seen nothing
other than my day to day, my place of living.
I only know of here.  Have not laid an eye on a place
that haunts these writings.  Where must that be I wonder
as I post this pondering.

Hello, Folly.  

What shall I do today?

Okay.

Thank You Folly.
With out you...
Things may change.

Worse, they stay the same.

With you Folly,
One tries anyway.

"Hi! How are you?"

I start with a lie:  "I am good." Each and every single time.  


Why?  Because of the truth?  Fear of my hidden yet all too real feelings?  Shame?

or,

A practiced wish?  Longing?  

If I say it enough it might come true?

I hate to lie.  but each time I do.

Lettering all encompasses
every degree my heart bleeds
My head against paper remembrance
The emotions my blanket
Press against as I drift away
All those lines pressing in
To devour  what I left behind
Come dawn and once more my return
Thy shell infused again
I will still miss you.

I've seen the nature of my ways
Been the things that I've heard others say
Tried to become that thing
Presented my best at least
in practice to stumble and fall
is falling all the same.
I am such a conundrum anymore
So used to not aiming for
the same things I think I'm needing
upending the clay beneath my feet
into disorganized heaps all around
a hole my efforts seem single mindedly
hellbent on creating without a muse to guide me
I am not great. not today.
these days of safety and of others
trying and hoping are wasted
not for not trying but, I am still the same
one who pretends to have a hold
dawns an determined grimace with
two more so eyes that surely communicate
how uncapable the soul inside is
struggles with weaknesses and chemicals
mixed inconsistently to a cocktail of wasted potential
im not okay.  not today.
not at all, i don't change
only I don't want to trust
not anyone, most not myself
not wont, just don't, I don't expect
any less from anyone
I am clueless and I am of little faith of what there is left in me to continue being so
not okay. no.

Put to flame
Melted
Changed for abuse
Taken in, to be let out
Used to get through it
put through unclean waters
where a little still remains
invisible solution
to motivate an escape
left to air and found again
desperate and at hand
funneled to the tool
to kiss a flame
less but more than nothing
this cycle of abused use
continues until new
then to be put through this
again, and again, and again.

In sentences
I leave parts
Pieces pulled from
The one few get to know
To lead to where
He may have gone.
In each word
Every poem
Bread crumbs.

A little of the ways
That in meaningful associations
Indeed seemingly do so
Contribute to the whole
This soul, a man  
A being.
Seeking out
What it is to simply be.
Make that being,
That is oft lost
Steadily climbing
Declining
Describing with little
Ability, less talent
The wars waged beneath
And the collateral damage
Unseen.

And, how am I supposed to feel?
When I've failed at literally everything I've ever done.
This slow motion day to day trainwreck
Is growing leads to but one end.  
One I used to certain I'd avoid. Resentment trying to form.  I won't because of him, of the few, of them.  Being forced to pickyself up, admitting, again, why it was me.  My fault, I failed this latest attempt.  Running out of options.  Spirit nearly broken. I'd ask for help, but if only I knew where?  How or why? What is the point? When I obviously will set others up to disappoint.  I hate being a burden.  I can feel peers views.  I hate seeing the look that most try not to be apparent.  Apparently, they don't understand how that look is me.  My own in the mirror every mi ute if every day.

It is all I have and it won't do
Presently just a mast and myself
Bailing with detached Feelings
As the vessel slips from view.
The blue waters represent the demands
The weight of the responsibility
My expression is out of place
Instead of determination and despairation
I'm staring off, hugging the mast
One hand bailing to pour right back to the sea.  
The mast slowly slipping from grasp,
Me, failing to save a sinking ship, myself or even to stay true to the bottom.
What is wrong with me?  I need to correct these detached Feelings before everything, me, everything comes to ruined.

I stand held fast
Reasons seemingly intangible
This body at rest is unmoving
And I want for the blankets
The pillow does welcome tired minds
I succumb.  I nap.  Another wastes noon
What after that