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Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
You will never know
How even as I write back
The simple truth of it
Via that message I am telling lies
You will only read how I'm doing
I write I'm fine, doing well
Through fresh tears still drying
I'm often lost in myself
Caught in endless decline
Spiralling to a place of mine
Longing for help without asking
Reaching out too difficult
You will never know
I use my phone to hide from you
To block the from view my hell
Ashamed of these moments
Residing in self loathing and woes
How terrible and egocentric
The real Me becomes alone
But I hope you know
How thankful I am for you
For asking about me, my feelings
I want you to know I love you
For trying and making me smile
Thank You.  

Thank You.
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
I am but a blink
this is all to be
Time is no father.
And the effect
of time, is inwardly amazing
but our shells cannot remain
Time kills us.
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
I write and through these

dreams, made always to make up

new ways, old weights hold on to

say again, my whispered pen

pressed against,

flowing days of filled pages

as I, have,tried

to cry out the  

old things unbroken

strings still strung so tightly

unused sigh

loss, is salt upon inner most

these words echo the broken

closure, no closer to repair

All of the things that can hurt

As they have and I endure

as I must alone

I use words

To tell a world

out of reach

how it is for me

that I may comprehend

and pretend they reach you

in this accepting

my truth of loves cost

exercise my restless wants

and longings

my chosen words

to see or feel

Or love and want

what cannot be

because I need to

when I write for Me

and not just, about You
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
There it is in all my fearful wonder
The last step to last forever.
What am I here for?
Being so close to an end
stirs new fight in me.
Another day, another year,
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
And?.. what of Me?
Then,.. when They,
All go on their own
Journeys, and I?
Terrifying, sobering these
Late thoughts now haunting.
Striking a dread within deeply.
What will I be? Who.. Then?
All I know of who I am
Is through who I've been...
To Them.  
What then?
Where will "home" then be?
Unprepared, this in the now life
I've chosen and so completely been
Taken in.  
My own journey never a thought
Never steering, questions never known
What will be next for Me?
How will life be like?.. Then?
It comes, and I know not.
What of Me?


Then?
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
They...
The Closest, dearest
My whole life
Each deserves happiness
As each has, at last
Leaving one, alas
Less hopeful, as I expect
One with less to attract
Foolish and not capable
The only one to deserve
Less...
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
My eyes and their lack of interest
Sentimentality killing what little there had been left
What does it mean when pride, its unimaginable cost,
is top of one's list of bills to pay off.  Above all else, pride is what one took in them self.  Their work, or very presence amongst the precious.  It was no crutch, or blemish in need of a shadow.  i swear once I thought it was the wings that could carry us...
Above all else this life has to throw at us...  Unless, that obstacle in fact is not thrown or placed, but the instead the face, we are made to face every day? That one we listen to and try to teach to speak in better ways that don't hurt so great.  What if it is "Us".  And that image once so prideful, arrogant, and... well, invaluable.  Is a price well within our bill of sale, so little of them left, is there... You can take, or leave the pride one once felt in them self as the lesson that it was. Is,. but you can never leave it... you can never leave yourself.
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