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Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
I cannot say
I saw things could
Ever would
Play out this way
Life can be crazy
It can change
The way we do
Ways we think
We Better off
Long passed pain
The crushing weight
Loss brings
Pulled too far along
Out of reach
Caught up in
The day to day
Making we
Nothing but
An after thought
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
So sick of the woes
The pep talks
I want to die
A little more
Every lonely night.  
Reasons are dwindling
How will I know it
If I never meet anyone
How I feel is truth
Nobody holds me
They love and they
Don't.
They say they know
But I know nothing
But hoping and holding
To be alone 6
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
All I try

Nobody beside me.

The reason

I lay awake

I'm not alright.

Tired and

Not finding life

No joy

So lonely inside

Contemplating

Why not me?

Can't I?

Don't like this

Darkness

Thoughts and sighing

Solitary and used

Qualities

Meaningless as asking?

Alone.

Terrifyingly ready.

Myself.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Show me a scale that
weighs one's mind.
Placing my dreams and my
Thoughts and acts of love
Gently on one side
Then then on the opposite
There goes counterbalancing
Lows, and selfish lies
Along with my inner dialogs
My darker wants and
Private browser time
Watch them rise and drop
See how they never stop
Evenly Unbalanced
Neither good nor bad
Ever changing mind of mine
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Who am I, but buried
Beneath the incredible weight
Of Her growing shadow
The farther along on forth
Her sillouette exponential
Pours over,my body
Pressing down this fragile heart
So completely, as it breaks,
Those peices sink,
drifting beneath
Off and away
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Two pools of grey blue envy
Are they, them,
flawed and positioned
Better at false ways
or lessoned

Lovers of the love
that loves me not
Or in her own words
crossed the lips
Perfect and missed,

now differently
Friends,
yes I miss this
so I accept

To listen
to how the others,
them, they
Meant so much
more,
then I will ever

Ever did, will know
though so polarized
are the views, the needs,

my own wants,
and never to be
desires us as
Friends,
co creators,
bound by legacy

But green eyes visions
of my measure
Never were as lofty
as ego whispered

I foolishly wanted,
I thought, I was enough,
to love to keep,
but...

Did she ever, once,
briefly, momentarily,
no... I think not.

I may look but not touch
Love
from distance,

and consider my luck
to be friends
and not lovers

They
fill out that place,
in her wants

What have I not,
that they replace.  
When love is all I know

and hold and so
the reason
I suffer and hurt anew
As friends
so close, but...
Not.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
I sit, feeling...
Thinking, witnessing
All too surreal,
Scenes playing out
Scenarios I've long
Long ago lost all hope
Of seeing outside dreams
This really is, isn't this?
The ease of familiarities
I know how much
How completely, intensely
I have prayed and wished
For this... As I am here
So are the two loves
I would die for, still, always
Finally, yet outside
I seem not to allow even
This living dream
Passed these ******* walls
I've hidden my best self
Away in.
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