I can't look you in the eyes,
Because then you'll see through the lies,
And there,
In the deep blue something,
You'll find me,
Broken, bruised and ashamed
Clinging to my secret,
My love of you.

We were happy,
There were moments,
Flashes of light in the darkness,
Like lightening in our stormy night.

I have so many words for you,
That I'm choking on them.

And so many unshed tears,
That I'm drowning in them.

My heart is bleeding,
You're killing me.

Tears are like raindrops,

Enough of them can wash away a home.

She
Was the sort of woman who lit up a room,
Just by walking in.

She
Could made the world fade away
Just by looking at you.

She
Filled your soul and heart
With her words.

But when She was gone,

Time stopped,
Darkness fell,
And the emptiness resumed.

I wish She'd come back.

So many of us walk through life
Filling our days with empty actions
Just longing to be loved.

With an admirer in our shadows
Too awestruck to speak up
Too nervous to be seen.

And we too blind to see what we were looking for.

Hopefully,
We will be together forever,
She said.

And suddenly Forever
Didn't feel quite long enough
Anymore.

You held my world in one hand,
You bore its weight upon your back.
I stood on a precipice,
Staring into the void,
And never feared I should fall.

You held me safe,
Held my world.
My heart,
My Love.
My Atlas.

Hold me,
Like you did before.

I will make a home of your arms,
A haven of your heart,

And discover myself
Within your Love.

It doesn't get any easier,
knowing you loved someone before.

Or knowing that if I try too hard,
Or be too honest,
You will be gone,
And someone else will have taken my place.

It doesn't get easier knowing
You still go on without me.

I can only hope that you stick around
Long enough
to fall
for me.

Then maybe you will be done running.

I can feel those words
They are rising on my tongue
Like waves ready to crash against the shore.
I clamp my jaw shut,
Keep my tongue prisoner behind
A cage of teeth.

It's too soon to release them,
Too soon to feel them,
And yet they protest and scream themselves
Everytime i leave you,
Everytime I see you.

They are the constant reminder
of how fragile I am,
And how breakable this is.
It seems to me that you are always waiting
by the door,
Ready to leave at any moment.
And I will still be standing here,
Long after the door closes
Alone amongst the echoes of the words never spoken.

You keep me constantly at arms length,
You raise your guard at the speed of a blink,
I don't doubt you care for me,
I only wish i knew how much.
I don't doubt you will leave me,
I only wish I knew when.
So I can prepare.

You listened to my heart beating
And said it was so much quicker than yours.
Maybe so,
But your feet are far quicker than mine.

I'm happy,
so why are these tears streaking my face,
like the rain on my window pane?
And why am I howling like the wind?
Is it because I already know
That you are going to break my heart.
Maybe not today, nor months from now.
But you surely will,
You will break mine for fear I will
Break yours.

You will be gone,
And I will have to learn
How to get through the day
Without your smile.
Learn how to forget the beginnings
the memories,
The laughter and tears.
Learn how to listen to the songs you love,
Without thinking of you.

You will leave,
As calmly as you came.
Leaving me with stormy seas
And cold sheets.
I will have to learn its not your side of the bed
Anymore.
And this hand you hold so naturally
Will be pocketed out of sight.
I will learn those three words again
Separate from you.

The sheets will be colder,
And the bed so much bigger,
The nights so much longer
When you're gone.
My lips will learn to whisper,
and my hands will learn to stay,
The pieces of my hesrt will mend together,
But will be colder from that day.

You will break my heart
Before you will ever learn
That I love yours so fondly
That I would never see it break.

Isn't it funny how
When someone has given you
Their heart,
They always find a way
Of taking it back
Without you knowing.

Isn't it odd how
the reasons people fall
In love with you
Always seem to be
The very reasons they give
For not loving you
Anymore.

Isn't it strange how
No matter how much
You sacrifice
Or how much you offer
It never seems to be quite
Enough.

And my oh my
Doesn't it hurt.
Isn't it such an extraordinary ache.
Isn't it just like drowning and shattering,
When the love is gone.
No, not gone,
Never gone,
But stolen,
Kidnapped,
Taken hostage.
For if it were merely gone,
The pain wouldn't exist,
The ache wouldn't crush
as much
as it does.

It's the memories,
The memories that drive the pain,
That pull the gut.
It's the memories they should steal.
But no,
Ever the memories,
Ever the pain.
Isn't it funny??

Isn't it ...
Tragic.

I will always remember that night.
The first night we noticed how dark the evenings were getting,
After the late sunny evenings we had so loved.
Singing out loud in your car,
So comfortable with the enclosed space
And dark roads.

I noticed you looking at me,
And I will never forget the look in your eyes,
That so unsettled me,
The way you looked as if you had only just seen me
For the first time.

The confused expression you wore
As if I was someone new.
A land you had just stumbled across,
A landscape undiscovered
In the guise of the familiar.

What was it you saw that night?
My soul?
My heart?
Or merely the stranger in my well known skin?
I will never forget,
And I will never enquire.

I though I knew Love.
The way one knows their oldest friend,
Far better than they know themselves.
Love, all roses and dramatic declarations.
Love the knight in shining armour,
The arouser of underlying strength.
Love the warmest embrace on the coldest day
When the bitter chill can't die down the flames,
Or cool the burning blush.

Love, walking barefoot across the city,
Carrying your heels,
To save your broken feet.
Love, flying thousands of miles
So that you don't have to face the tears without me.

Love, the sounds of Puccini
Filling the world with just one kiss.
Love, the small favours and the grand gestures.
Love.

I thought I knew Love.
As vital to me as the moon to the earth.
But yet here I stand, alone.
Injured, weak.
Love my Delilah,
I was your Samson,
Now I sit among the braids you cut from me,
Among the life you stole from me.
Love I never knew you at all.
For who could hope to understand,
The chaos of a woman's heart,
And the destruction of an ill chosen
Love

Your words run in my veins,
I never saw the sky,
Until I saw it through your eyes.
I never saw you,
Until I read you first.
Your words took shape,
They climbed from the page
And crept into my heart.
Don't let it be just the pen you hold tonight.
Don't let the paper be all you lean on.
Don't let those words be all you say.
For I can't breathe for looking at you,
I can't think for the sight of you.
And I swear til this day I never understood
This language we share
But now the air is full of words,
Written on the body of you.

I can't keep up.
You keep changing the rules
and moving the goals.
I don't know where's safe to stand,
You are constantly pulling the rug from under me.
I'm tired,
I'm broken-down.
You reign triumphant,
A Cheshire grin on an angel's face,
Masking the heart of a devil.

I thought I had finally found you,
But you evade me still.
I want to find you,
Buried in my sheets.
I want to map you,
Discover you.
Lose myself in the endless landscape
Of your body.
I want to explore the secret scenery
of your soul.
Swim in your eyes,
Bask in the warmth of your smile.
I want to become a native of you,
Relish in the language of you
And plant my flag,
In your heart.

But more than all this

I want you to love me.

It was the simplicity that struck me,
That stopped me.
That single simple tear,
Tearing its way through the facade
Forging through her make up,
Revealing the pale, naked truth beneath.
Before falling silently
Into oblivion.

Her eyes seemed to shine
With a heart wrenching tragedy.
Her hands trembled
Her voice shook,
And she bit her lip
With a sense of desperation
With a need to control
The screams that brewed beneath.

Is it so easy
To break a heart?
I watched as the light left her eyes,
As the hope left her,
And her body crumpled.
She became so small,
So broken,
In such a public place
Her world was torn apart.

The waitress kept working,
The patrons kept chatting,
But I could not hear
over her heart cracking.
Slowly her mask was melting
The bravado disappearing,
And the vulnerable reality started to show.

Now the tears are flowing fast,
Hot and heavy they are drowning her.
She is gulping for air,
She is stifling the sobs,
She is shaking from the pain.
She doesn't see me,
She doesn't see any of us.

But I see her,
I feel her.
I can hear her heart breaking,
I can hear the white noise
Of so many thoughts racing through her mind.
I can feel her tears
As they burn down my face.

Is it so easy,
To break a heart?

I see the lonely
I see the lost.
I see the tears that filled these rivers.
I see the broken hearts.
Scattered like autumn leaves.
As the busy crowds crush them underfoot.

I see their empty eyes
And their painted faces,
Their smiles are as hollow
as their hearts.
They disguise their tears as raindrops,
As they walk the streets alone.
Forgotten.

I see the lost
And the lonely.
The tragedy that fills their days.
Unrequited
Unaccepted
Unappreciated
Unrecognised

I see them
I know them
I walk beside them
We, the unloved
Forever in love
Forever loyal.
Lonely
Lost
Forevermore

I've fallen.
Further
and
Harder
than Lucifer.

From the safety above
to this fiery cavern
where passion triumphs.

Grace was idyllic
But I would jump gladly again
in a heartbeat
Just to see your smile.

Though condemned
My heart still beats
my mind still wanders
and my body yearns.

The bitter sweet agony
the lick of the flames
and the torment of you.

Did i fall?
Was i pushed?
Or did I jump?

This silence is deafening,
And the air is filled with blades.
and your tears keep falling
Trailing down your face.
I can't hear through the thickness of the air
And can't breathe from the brutality of your stare.
The room is quaking
And your hands are shaking.
And my heart is bleeding
And my soul is pleading.
The words are hanging still
You could just knock them down.
But you've said them
And displayed them
And there is no going back.
My eyes are stinging
And these tears are bringing
A reality of their own.
The noose around our love is tighter
And the blood flow is lighter
As the air is getting sharper
by the minute.
I'm bleeding and you're leaving,
And the whole room is grieving.
For the words you spoke
Have left me broke,
I'm drowning in this flow
of steady tears
As I watch you
Slowly
Go.

heart beat racing,
Palms sweating
Incessant rambling.

This drug is causing too much pain
But what a rush there is to gain
To reach and hold
What can't be controlled
To try and pin
Try and win.

The blood is rushing
The sound is deafening
The room is spinning.

I need to sober this emotion
This intoxicating potion
I need to take the reins
Forsake the pains
Sober myself
Observe my health.

The chase is thrilling
The wait is killing
The passion over spilling
My heart is willing

Call a doctor
Get me sober
Bleed me and drain me
This love won't contain me
It's impossible to hold
What can't be controlled.

I am not the ruler of my emotions,
Nor the master of my heart.
It goes where it likes
And i reluctantly follow.
My heart is reckless,
Uncontrollable and foolish.
My mind so sound and logical
Scolds and chastises
To no avail,
My heart won't listen,
Wont sit and stay.
My heart will run to you
Across a busy road
And will lay down at your feet
And i shall follow it
Shall follow it across the endless desert
The steepest mountains
The deadliest terrains
To the very end of days,
And when it lays foolishly
And loyally at the end of your bed,
So shall I.
And when you send it out in to the night,
I will follow
I will follow until the tears dry
Until the beat dies
Until my heart loves no more.

All the words i write,
and songs i sing,
will never describe
the joy you bring
when you look at me
and hold my gaze
and walk with me
on summer days.

Alas who were they to know,
It could end so soon,
The love that grew across the room.

The stolen kisses,
and secret glances,
The desperate touches,
and too slow dances.

Would end so fast upon a word,
Too soon spoken, too soon heard.
so fast the fire and pyre burned,
And a love once so promising
Alas is spurned.

I won't let my thoughts prevail,
I'll stand tall through wind and hail
and never bow down to you.

I won't let my mind drift
into this cleft, into this rift,
I know I can be stronger.

My heart will not break once more
I've been around, I know the score
You won't win this.

My eyes will not behold you,
Though they desire to,
Love is not my lens.

I shan't allow desire or lust,
I shall be barren, shall be dust
and there shall be no growth for you.

For I can see disaster plain,
And though it may not be your aim
I have a target across my chest.

I will not be your wounded deer,
Your clever catch, your toast and cheer
I shall not fall so easily.

Keep in mind my solemn vow,
Take heed and listen now
I shall not bow down to you.

Would you bow down to me I ponder,
Ah and now my thoughts shall wander,
For who am I to know

Another's mind, another's soul,
Their petty target? Their desperate goal?
Predator or prey unknown.

Fools do dream and long for love
And beg from powers above.
But I am strong and will not sway.

I am the predator,
No longer the prey.

You make me feel like there maybe hope.
somewhere in this glittering expanse
of beaurocracy,
amongst the mundane and the dire
hiding amidst the hustle and bustle
of an ever busy, ever unfeeling
world of clinical desolation.
Maybe, together we can find it ...
or lose it all together.

Tell me how you love me,
Tell me all the ways,
Tell me how many kisses we’ve had,
And on how many days?

Tell me why you chose me,
Tell me when you first took my hand,
Tell me when I first made your legs go weak,
Made you scared you couldn’t stand.

Tell me when you loved me,
Did you know it right away?
Tell me why you fancied me,
And when, what day?

Tell me when you gave me your heart,
And when you accepted mine,
Tell me all the ways you care,
Tell me are you mine?

As deafening as thunder,
and blinding like lightning.
So it began, a whirlwind of energy,
Emotions and hormones in a cyclone.

And after the storm?
We see the destruction
Borne of the excitement.
And once again we grieve.

You told me you loved me,
You swore it to be true,
But just as Tristan lost Isolde,
I lost you.

My memories are fading,
It has all been such a blur,
Love and happiness in abundance,
And gone within a year.

Love is fickle,
As changing as the tides,
Lust is more honest,
But never wise.

For all my effort,
And all my will,
Love was never mine,
But always yours to ****.

I won't believe those words again,
Nor the racing of my heart,
And just like Romeo and Juliet,
My world will fall apart.

There is an empty cavern in my chest,
Where once I kept a heart.
Its' beat was steady, its' muscles strong,
But after it broke I had it removed.

At first I noticed no difference,
The stars came out, the sun shone,
All was still the same.
But then one day you came along,
And an ache began to grow.

I have searched high and low,
In cupboards, bags and boxes,
But my heart is not here.
And the ache for it is ever growing,
It wasn't until I saw you today

That I found where it had gone.
I saw the red upon the floor,
A great and flowing lake,
And by my hand, on my sleeve,
My heart was surely beating.

It's strong, and it is healthy,
And the cracks seem not to show,
But I cannot prise it from my sleeve,
There it happily stays.
I thought you had noticed it,

When you reached out for my hand,
Because although it was my hand you held,
It was my heart you truly touched,
Now it's no more upon my sleeve,
But safe within you grasp.

And the ache I never thought would leave
Is gone without a trace,
For now I have the greatest gift,
Of your whole, and loving heart,
And its' beat is steady, it's muscle strong.
This heart will surely last long.

Touch me the way you did before.
Say my name the way you used to.
Let me forget the horror
Of this new reality.

Just like Icarus I flew too close,
Too close to the radiance of you.
Now I lie broken bodied upon the rocks
Of our happy past.

Look at me with those longing eyes
That used to beam with love for me
Take me beneath the sheets of this new world,
And embrace me with a love long gone.

Say my name, call to me
In the sultry tones of the night before.
Wake me with the tender kiss
That used to pull the breath from my lungs.

Let me not lie alone,
Not like this,
Broken *****,
Broken hearted.

How high can you fly,
With broken wings?
How far can you fall
With a broken heart?

I love the anonymity
of trains.
Hudreds of people travelling
in the same metal tube.
All trying to reach their destination
Going about their lives
In the busy hustle of the 9-5.
No one caring who is around them
Some dreaming away the journey
Others meeting deadlines,
Or lost in a world of music.
I just like to sit and oserve the herd.
I spot the broken people,
The happy couples,
The business types,
The nuclear families.
I wonder do I register on any radar.
I love the opportunity
That comes with
Anonymity.

The inevitible certainty,
The unfathomable truth of it.
The end, the complete finallity,
We can never understand,
When it occurs it is too late.

Death. We can never know it.
But it is the one complete certainty we have.
I could be hit by a bus today,
Or fall under a train tomorrow.
Or maybe it will be decades away
In my bed surrounded by my family
And I will follow my dreams into the darkness.

When your end comes,
When you can feel the life draining from you,
When you look back on your life
Will it be a life you're proud of?
Did you live your dreams?

And what of those left behind?
What will they say of you?
Is it really death that terrifies us
The finallity, the unknown,
Or is it the regrets we may have,
The reality of the life we lived.

I am my harshest critic,
And I dissapoint myself everyday.
But you never judge me,
You love me regardless.
And maybe I won't get a job with a desk,
Maybe I won't have holidays abroad,
Or a marriage and a house.
Maybe it will always be me,
And always you.
But I can throw this ball
I can do it all day.
'cause maybe I can't make myself happy,
But I can make you happy.
And you always cheer me up.
You're my Buddy.

I can be the one you let inside your heart,
For I will not leave you, I will not depart
I will hold you close to me as we watch the day go by,
I can stop that tear, that wells up in your eye,
I can pull that smile up from deep within your heart,
For I will not leave you, I will not depart.

I will be the one who’s there to hold your hand,
Who’s there to pick you up when you feel you cannot stand,
I will be the one who guards you through the night,
Until the sun comes again and we bathe in its warm light,
I will be the one to always make you smile,
When you have given up and life’s not worth the while,
And I will spend my dying breath whispering your name,
‘cause love is for the memories and life is just a game.

Drown your feelings,
And strangle your sorrows,
For today is today,
And tomorrow’s tomorrow.

Push it further,
And further still,
I can’t take much more,
It’s making me ill.

Why am I like this?
A pathetic creature of woe,
Where can I run?
There’s nowhere left to go.

They were plowing the fields today,
It was a relief to see,
They tilled and plowed and fertilised,
And now they are soft brown carpets
Awaiting seeds.

They plowed the fields today,
Just as I plowed my heart.
Now we are both ready for seeding.
I plant you in my heart as they plant the corn.
Soon there shall be seedlings,
Then sprouts and shoots shall follow,
If all goes well we shall reap a healthy harvest.

I wonder will the sun shine bright enough?
Will the rain fall well enough?
Will the world be kind enough,
For these tiny shoots to grow.
And I wonder will these seeds of ours
Root themselves deep within our hearts.
Will this love grow strong?

They reaped the harvest today.
A strong harvest.
I watched them 'til sundown.
Alone.
My heart is a field whose crop hasn't grown.
Maybe next year I'll leave it to fallow.

Was it all created by an idle mind?
Like dreams, and hopes and all their kind.
Did my imagination really run wild?
The first time she looked at me and smiled.

Did my mind create responses, replies?
Or was there love behind her eyes?
Was there strength behind her smile?
Or was it empty all the while?

For they are taken by another love,
And I am a puppet for the powers above,
Who watch my pains with a happy face,
As the pieces of my heart fall all over the place.

So I’ll never know what lurks behind,
That smile of hers and her eyes so kind,
Did my imagination really run wild?
That first time she looked at me, and smiled.

I once sat upon a bench and listened to the stars,
To their many lives and their stories about ours.
One in particular really caught my ear,
A story about love, loss and fear.
About a girl who gave away all she had to give,
Until she was left empty and no longer wished to live.
Her memories were many and none of them were good,
Until another person came along when she thought they never could.
She shone like the sun, she brightened up the day,
She was like a warm breeze that blew the clouds away.
The story was of you and me and it’s still being told,
I’ll sit and listen again when I have grown old,
But until then remember this, those stars up in the sky,
They are all there watching as our days and nights go by.

Everywhere you look the walls are falling down,
Everywhere you look lies are flying round.
Truth is hiding in the corner
Along with innocence and virtue, in the shadow of trauma

How dare you apprehend me
With the shackles of your love.
What right have you to blind me
With your beauty.
Who do you think you are
To steal my heart?!

You entered my life
on a summers breeze.
And in the depth of night
You stole away my heart.
In the morning when I awoke
I could not feel it's familiar beat
And I knew it was down to you.

You were gone as quickly as you arrived.
Your depature as silent
As the breeze that carried you.
Taking with you only my heart,
Still beating, and fresh.

You left me behind
Heartless
In a trench of tears.
I loved you
Silently
Instantly, and for more than a night.

I wonder where you keep my heart?
Whether it's on display,
Another trophy to show off,
Or holed away under your floor boards.

Who do you think you are
To show me happiness
And steal it from me
Within a single meet.

Take care of my heart,
Better care than you took of me
Don't leave it to bleed,
in a puddle of love
Trapped in your box
Of broken promises

I have to make myself smaller,
To live in your world.
You press me between pages,
And sand me down,
You shrink me and rinse me,
Til I'm suitably stunted.

You hush me,
You shush me,
You say I'm too loud.

I have to be smaller,
If I am to be with you.
You squeeze me into a bottle,
And then push in a cork.
You chip me away,
Until the day that I fit your life.

But I am a mountain,
And I won't bow anymore to you.
I am a foghorn
And will be silenced no more.

It is not the fish that is too big,
It is the pond that is too small.

I cannot remember the words you spoke,
Nor the way you looked before your body broke,
I cannot recall the smile that lit your face,
It’s hard to remember when illness showed no trace.
There’s only one memory that’s clear to me,
It lasts only a second, but it’s enough to see,
That at one time there was more in your life than just a bed,
That one time a better life was led,
That at one time there was a person behind those eyes,
That you used to be able to go outside.
That there used to be more for you than just one room,
And now that you lie within your tomb,
It gives me comfort, just to know,
That at one point you had more, had somewhere to go.
But you faded away with each passing day,
I can’t pinpoint exactly when you went away,
You left slowly, piece by piece, year by year,
And it took so long for me to shed a tear.
It was not you within that bed,
You were somewhere else instead,
It was not you behind those eyes.

Twisted words and empty shells,
Forbidden loves, and personal hells.
Demolished trusts and broken hearts,
A lie is how the disease starts.
Lonely hearts, and lost souls,
Two halves and never wholes.
No happiness, only tears,
No escape from worries or fears.
Just a nightmare so constant so real,
No way to have emotion, no way to feel.
Just an empty soul, sick to your core,
No way to feel happy, no not anymore.
Happy no longer and loved nevermore,
Just all alone and scared evermore.