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cal Jul 2021
it doesn’t matter who buried the knife first
we both had a blade hidden the entire time
cal Feb 2021
someday when we're both old brother
we'll forget everything
all the walks to sonic
all the late night trips to walmart
dying our hair together
eating candy that made us feel silly
cooking supper together
inhaling until the world around us began to morphe
picking up dog **** so I could stay the night
all the music you made me listen to
all the music i made you listen to
but it's ok
i don't think i'll ever forget how it all made me feel
like i discovered a part of me
you gave me access to
with your love
and the person i got to see you grow into
you put the life back into me
when i'm ready i will fly us out of here
someday
cal Mar 2021
and just when i thought i had enough
i feel every part of myself ascending
this isn't love
this is the hardest **** ive ever smoked
high on lust
and baby
we've still got an ounce to smoke
cal Jul 2021
I really hope this kills me
Existence is a night sky
And Freedom is a shooting star
But I’ll shoot for the moon
And meet you at Mars
mom
cal Mar 2021
mom
dude like listen
i love you
i grew inside your womb
you created me with your own flesh
the best of our relationship
was before i could even form a thought
and that's kind of sad
cal May 2021
you're the closest to heaven
that i'll ever be
no
cal May 2021
no
one day
you'll be on recieved forever
cal Feb 2021
Back in November
I shaved my head
You told me
"Do whatever you want"
I asked if you'd still find me beautiful
"Yes" you lied
I shaved my hair because it was bound
Bound in a mess of self destruction
And self hatred
Looking back
My hair was a symbol of us
And like my hair
I loved you
but I shedded you too
-"November"
cal May 2021
i don't care when you won't love me
it's just cool that your here now
cal May 2021
chasing a size zero
don't eat enough for one
when you look at yourself it's doubled in two
and  at times you think it might be three
but in reality those numbers are far, even farther from four
ignore it, until sombody tells you you've gone down by five
it hurts, it hurts, eat like six
because you starved for seven
chase it down with a diet coke, what's next you'll feel in about eight
because down the hatch goes laxatives, count them out nine
your visions covered in tracers and you think you're at ten
even though everyone else can read "zero"
happy mothers day
cal Mar 2021
going through the motions
i have accepted you'll be here the rest of my life
so like a wound i just tend to you when you're at your worst
and sit and enjoy a cup of coffee when you're at your quietest
cal May 2021
it'll never be enough
because if it was i would be suffering
m̶o̶r̶e̶
cal Apr 2021
some things bring me joy
like the drip of a faucet
coming to an end
knowing there will be a day
where there will be one less boy
and between life and death you shall cross it
lay in your eternal bed
what i love most about you
is that one day you'll be dead
call me crazy
but i hate your ******* guts
you'll never see me again
but just know
i revel in how much i can depise you
cal May 2021
underneath my skin
favorite sin
:)
cal May 2021
ive been a walking corpse for months
but the audience wants encore
do they know i'm dying?
sarah lynn?
cal May 2021
how i know i feel this for me
is i don't fantasize about all the tears
the screaming
the regrets
the denial
the begging
the anger
the depression
the hopelessness
the acceptance
the forgetting
my soul feels amazing at the thought of just nothing
cal Feb 2022
TW- ED
this feels like *** with my ex
relapsing
a cigarette in the cold
the 2nd day without food
laying down after crying as you're abt to fall asleep
sitting in the car with you and we're both cold as **** but i don't want-
you to go inside
cal May 2021
you can't make dying a competition
when the winner is the loser
and the loser is the winner
don't find peace
"she's still sleeping"
"it's not like her to sleep in this long, i'm gonna go check on her"
cal Feb 2021
it's nasty
but i love it
the way i associate with the beauty of all the colors
the way my brush goes side to side
as i create my happiness on cheap paper
jake the dog
cal Mar 2021
i am not built to last
i am built to live
built for walking in the middle of the road
showered with streetlamp rays
built for dying on bathroom floors
i live for feeling skin to skin
i live for sleeping in while the world moves on without me
i am going to give a lifetimes worth of love
in about a fifth of the human lifespan
my impact on this world revolves around a ticking clock
i am merely a marker
a guardian angel
cal May 2021
and i cried at the curb
when you first said "Oel ngati kameie"
cal May 2021
how could you look at someone
and tell them
"how is anyone suppose to love you when you're sick?"
with fancy words
while they lie on their deathbed?
cal May 2021
*******
baby
i hate you so much
please don't leave me
get the **** away from me you disgusting *****
i'll change i promise
this is why nobody likes you
it wasn't you, it was me
why the **** are you like this you knew this would upset me
i'll be anything you want me to be sweetheart don't leave me please
i'm in the process of trying to get tested for BPD/ treated for whatever I have
i can just remember everything i sabotaged because i crave instability
cal Mar 2021
I don’t want peace
I want chaos
I don’t want stability
I want endless uncertainty
I can’t feel anything else
cal Jul 2021
**** around and never come down
cal Apr 2021
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss the way your arms shield me from the cold
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss how you wrapped yourself around me like i was your everything
i'd be lying if i said i don't wanna feel how i did whenever you'd pull me closer in your sleep
but
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i said i miss the way you never listened
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i told you i loved the names you called me whenever i would be having a freakout
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i implied that i enjoyed the way cheated on me
but then again
i love the way you lie
cal Apr 2021
waking up in the middle of the night
struggling to breathe
searching for anything my eyes can find
noticing all the little statics of reality
this is a losing fight
and no one can save me
here, there is no individuality
sleeping is micro dosing death
and when i realized that
eternal slumber didn't worry me as much
cal May 2021
like smoking a stoagie
noise traveling through my head like smoke in the air
straight up potent
kinda feeling i'd love to share
nasuea out in the open
and a head high that can't compare
i love sunset drives
cal Feb 2022
you werent the first
but you were THE first
cal May 2021
i know you say mean things when i cancel plans
but i don't care
too being decomposing where i lay
can't save me man
save yourself
cal Apr 2021
i ain't mrs.right
but i'll ******* til she gets here
cal Mar 2021
it has been 3 years since ive seen you
who are you
there's an image i have of you in my minds eye
but i don't know where my pupils are
you use to make me laugh until i couldn't breathe
but i haven't felt my lungs in years
what are you if i ain't me?
did we really grow up? is this it?
cal May 2021
if i hide long enough
if no one sees me
do i exist
cal Mar 2021
my head feels dizzy
my soul feels funky
i have googly eyes
there are stitches in my soul
my eyes feel glossy
i have doe legs
my head hurts
i can't think right
i feel sick
cal Feb 2022
it keeps happening and it feels worse everytime
you
cal Apr 2021
you
hi there
strawberry locks
porceline skin
seashell pink lips
hiding teeth so fair
someone who has me lost
despair becoming thin
let me brush your hair with my finger tips
i knew from the moment i met you
we were gonna change each others life
i chased after being happy when you were around
and walked when you could no longer run
maybe the universe isn't so cruel
loving someone, not by the edge of a knife
of you, i surround myself with an excessive amount
because loving you is fun
cal Feb 2021
The technician says
And he's right
My hands and mind
start on the same road
but my mind wonders to field beside my vessel
and my hands follow soon
leaving my responsiblities
unfinished.
"It's who I am" I respond
The fields are beautiful
They give me instant happiness
Until the dirt road East
Calls my name too
"It is you
but what you don't realize is sooner or later
you're going to be lost
you're going to be on empty
you're going to crash."
I didn't hear him.
Guilt brought my attention back to the road
Stealing all beauty
Of what distracted me.
"You just need correction."
But
I don't want that.
Executive Dysfunction boiiiii
ADHD bran
cal Mar 2021
my dad might not rule the nightosphere
he may not be an eternal entity of chaos
he may not even have ate my fries
but when marceline sees him
i can feel everything
we are from niburu
cal Mar 2021
i surround myself with art
i smother myself in it's love
because i have to realize
i am a manifestation of existence
so stuck on the walls
are parts of me
sunlight coming in through the window
i wish i had a stogie
cal May 2021
21
beat up old truck
long hair
****** hair
rugged skin
every bit of muscle finished growing and boney hands
sixty dollar phone
dead-end job
**** and acid
17
skinny legs and dusty knees
FRIENDS hoodie from TJ Maxx
cheap shoes
little sixty dollar phone
working part time
you ruined me

— The End —