we live in foggy car windows, spitting out white lies that turn in vain,
white lies that turn black
like your hair, as it caresses your shoulders
like my hands, as every cell in my being reaches for you
but the cytoplasm current is too strong, and swallows me whole
like if your words were quicksand
i would sink
i wouldn’t fight the pull
i would let each needle and thread stitch me to the right side of your brain
with no anesthesia
nothing can hurt more than tiny paper cuts that we don’t know about,
you are the hand sanitizer and lemon juice that drips into my open wounds
i try, and try to shake you away
i don’t recognize my own bed when i sleep alone
my dreams are more of a reality than the actual person laying next to me

i feel the cliff under our feet, i push you first,
but your sweaty palms grab my wild fang t-shirt
and i’ve never felt more alive than when falling to my death
leave the world behind
i don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse
leave me behind?
i don’t know if you are a blessing or a curse
let my lungs fill with each particle of quicksand until it overflows into my throat, spills out of my mouth
onto your lap

babe, i’m not trying to fix you even though i always try to fix people
you like me with makeup and rose petals
i still take rolls of tinfoil, clump them together, and swallow them whole
to fill my aching hunger, the number on the scale means nothing when you are dyslexic
please don’t see me with hives and weeds
that grow from my ankles, straps on me
with a ***** on the end
begging you to call out my name
with mouths open, and gentle kisses in the elevator after i met your mom
pull the bandaid off, rip my onion layers off

i still feel more at home
on crowded buses where i am the only, white person
white person walking in low lit alleys with gazing, men
men beckoning me to come closer till their hands slip, in
in hidden closets dating the opposite, ***
*** in unfamiliar places with temporary, homes
homes in hospital beds and drugs pumped into my, veins
veins in your arms, is where i am still trying to feel at home
trying to feel
trying...

honey, i’m sorry if i held your hand too long
if this can’t be as good for you as it is for me
cut me from my shambles
you didn’t have to say you loved me
i read it between your poetry
yet, i still hold my own hand, draped across my torso
sometimes gravity pulls my hand up my ribs, to my breast
so i can feel my heartbeat
maybe this time i won’t forget how to...breath
i will stop digging up my own grave
just to inspect my broken corpse, to try and rebuild this temple
the bricks don’t fit anymore
too many fragments taken away

like my body was used for science
the doctors diagnosed me with a hypothesis
it read if with you, then without me
what is a hypothesis without the theory?
theorize goodbye kisses at red lights
research the car filled with the smell of *** and morning
question **** stains on my sheets
or tear stains on my shirt you wear

i cried for the first time with you there
you were laying next to me in bed, my arms around you
you were asleep
and i wiped my tears on your shoulder without you knowing
i cried to the rhythm of your breathing
spoke hymns in your ear you would never hear
confessed my love, gave you my all
your eyes never opened
weaved your hair in my hands
while i unthreaded stories of my past traumas,
giving you one piece at a time
your heart never flickered
tinkerbell lost her flicker when she didn’t get attention
but how much was too much until it suffocated her?
my thighs in knots from straddling you

and before you,
i dig with a needle, an arm and a leg
i haven’t decided whether i should jump off the cliff or jump into you
but, the voice i once heard from the ripples in the lake, now respond with whirred silence
blackberry shaped kisses on my being
etched from the hand of my mother
i’ll give you lemon drops and hot tea
if you are willing to burry me in a cloud of forgiveness
lick my open wounds, and i’ll jump into you
or if the cliff lives above my head, catch me

--f
----a
------l
--------l
----------i
------------n
-------­-------g

kiss my lips instead of the cigarette bud
                                                                      nestled between your fingers
let me be your nicotine
i’ll be your new addiction

hold me close instead of the drink
                                                             splashing in your cup
let me be your warmth
i’ll be your new addiction

speak to me instead of the ****
                                                         buried in your sock drawer
let me be your calm
i’ll be your new addiction

cry to me instead of the ativan
                                                        in the cupboard behind the towels
let me be your shoulder
i’ll be your new addiction

but, if the drugs still must meet your throat
                                                                      know i'm not going anywhere

let me try this one more time

                                                     i forgive you

for the bright colors you muted to pastels
for the rose thorns creating an unwanted invulnerability
for the forever creases on my once rippleless skin
my neck
my arms
my stomach
my hands
for the rusted barbed wire isolating my heart

they tell me I have your eyes
                    but, my worst fear is becoming you

a toast!

here’s to the ones reading this poem on new years

drinking wine out of coffee mugs instead of champagne out of wine glasses

may we all dream of a better day, and write as if it is now

5
4
3
2
...

isn't it such a shame when we tie people to objects

it was my favorite shirt

i buried it in the back of my closet
i never wore it again
today i picked it up
it all came back

you came back

i want you to go away
but i hung you back up
along with my dignity and pride

and told myself i'd wear it one day

that day will never come