a letter to my accidental unrequited love

do you know i sometimes kiss you with eyes open?
to make sure yours are closed
at night, i don’t sleep until your breath turns long
and your heart rate slows
i brush your hair back with my hand,
eyes open
only when yours shut can i close mine
but sometimes i stay up looking at you
because i’m already living a dream

i have a heart disorder that causes a great load of pain
at night when it flares up,
and i try everything in my power to keep it together,
you ask me if i’m okay
i always say yes
because i can longer distinguish if it’s my heart or if it’s you

i’m falling for someone who is incapable of falling for me
who’s not truly over their past love
who can’t give their all
i’m falling for someone who will never love me back
someone stop me
pull me back in
the storm is coming in and i’m slipping in puddles
someone stop me from loving the person
who gets me wet
who’s tears i wipe
who’s heart i hold
she can’t do the same for me
but here i am

she tells me she’s falling for me
i think she’d try to catch me in a trust fall
she’d put her arms out, tell me she’s ready
but once our bodies touch,
her arms would go limp
because she wasn’t lying to me
she was lying to herself the whole time

i won’t leave because i hold on that one day her thoughts will react the way she
begs them to
that she will be here with me
for once, completely here

until then
i get unrequited love

she tells me she can’t balance it all
she lists the people taking up her time
a depressed mom
a best friend falling through her fingers
a job with too many hurt souls
a school with expectations almost as high as her own
me
i ask her if she can take something away in the list
give it a little less at least
i know the answer is the person who writes too many poems about her
i’m the only one who can’t promise forever
so why am i here still?

remember the day i lost who i was?
i convinced myself you were going to breakup with me
you told me you never saw a reason to break up
but, you never gave yourself a reason to stay

let me try this one more time

                                                     i forgive you

for the bright colors you muted to pastels
for the rose thorns creating an unwanted invulnerability
for the forever creases on my once rippleless skin
my neck
my arms
my stomach
my hands
for the rusted barbed wire isolating my heart

they tell me I have your eyes
                    but, my worst fear is becoming you

a toast!

here’s to the ones reading this poem on new years

drinking wine out of coffee mugs instead of champagne out of wine glasses

may we all dream of a better day, and write as if it is now

5
4
3
2
...

i awake upon brewing dawn -
stinge of a last hit waltzes past
my beloveds’ fingertips taunted with ash,
and i succumb to hauntings

how i beckon with lost days
overindulge in spoonfed daggers
my blistered throat parallels zir inflamed ego
suffocated deceptive, guilt - scripted coerced, apologizes
escorted by fault down crimson carpets
what a provocative

refusal of touch names me ****?
but the other femme knows another,
another i know well

the grim reaper looms amidst repressed dusk
i plead for rising moons
i appeal for reassurance
query the harlot?
i mustn’t

I am a crumpled sheet of paper in the hands of my predators
Their hands snaked around me, squeezing the life from my body, leaving me to collapse into their want
Too young to realize, too weak to fight back
………
                                                He choose the game he wanted to play
                                                and I became a dice he could roll around
                                                in the palm of his hands
                                                         But this body is my temple, you lost                                               my game and there will never be round two
………
My own thoughts strangled me as my body refused to listen to my brain
To touch my skin felt like fire burning through my veins, fire that ignited my predator
Hopelessly sinking into the bed that became an ocean, water drowning me and continuously pulling me further down
………
                                                        ­ She destroyed my innocence where
                                                       “playing house” meant I played victim
                                                         and she played the predator
                                                        ­ But this body is my temple and you
                                                         did not receive an invite to my
                                                         house p­arty
………
They had the power to take my dignity into the palm of theirs hands and crumble it up
We are told when we crumble up a sheet of paper, you can never make it the way it was before
………
                                                      ­    He threw me over his shoulder like a
                                                   rag doll and brought me to the place that
                                     was once “my room”and is now “my nightmare”
                                  But this body is my temple and not for you to play
                                                 with like a doll you received on a holiday
………
Words disintegrating from my lips with the ashes of consent and destroying my trust for any human to touch my skin
Circling the drain of intimacy
………
                                                    ­ They strapped me down and taught me
                                                        that crying meant I was “asking for it”
                                                             But this body is my temple and
                                                             my ­words are louder than your lies
………
I wear the damage on my heart
My body used against me more than the number of fingers on my hand
………
                                                       But this body is my temple and when I
                                                                ­           broke free of your *******,
                                                        ­                 my temple grew taller than
                                                                ­          your hands could touch me
………
I am a crumpled sheet of paper escaping the hands of my predator

If only you knew what captured me at night
And pulled me into its dark abyss

Feeling, yet again, the struggle and fight
And the horrors that trace my lips

Snakes slithering out of my mouth
Spiders crawling underneath my skin

It clouds my eyes judgment
Praying away the Devils sin

If only you knew what captured me at night
Yet morning comes, and I see it grow

Feeling, yet again, the struggle and fight
Squeezing me tight and doesn’t let go

we live in foggy car windows, spitting out white lies that turn in vain,
white lies that turn black
like your hair, as it caresses your shoulders
like my hands, as every cell in my being reaches for you
but the cytoplasm current is too strong, and swallows me whole
like if your words were quicksand
i would sink
i wouldn’t fight the pull
i would let each needle and thread stitch me to the right side of your brain
with no anesthesia
nothing can hurt more than tiny paper cuts that we don’t know about,
you are the hand sanitizer and lemon juice that drips into my open wounds
i try, and try to shake you away
i don’t recognize my own bed when i sleep alone
my dreams are more of a reality than the actual person laying next to me

i feel the cliff under our feet, i push you first,
but your sweaty palms grab my wild fang t-shirt
and i’ve never felt more alive than when falling to my death
leave the world behind
i don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse
leave me behind?
i don’t know if you are a blessing or a curse
let my lungs fill with each particle of quicksand until it overflows into my throat, spills out of my mouth
onto your lap

babe, i’m not trying to fix you even though i always try to fix people
you like me with makeup and rose petals
i still take rolls of tinfoil, clump them together, and swallow them whole
to fill my aching hunger, the number on the scale means nothing when you are dyslexic
please don’t see me with hives and weeds
that grow from my ankles, straps on me
with a ***** on the end
begging you to call out my name
with mouths open, and gentle kisses in the elevator after i met your mom
pull the bandaid off, rip my onion layers off

i still feel more at home
on crowded buses where i am the only, white person
white person walking in low lit alleys with gazing, men
men beckoning me to come closer till their hands slip, in
in hidden closets dating the opposite, ***
*** in unfamiliar places with temporary, homes
homes in hospital beds and drugs pumped into my, veins
veins in your arms, is where i am still trying to feel at home
trying to feel
trying...

honey, i’m sorry if i held your hand too long
if this can’t be as good for you as it is for me
cut me from my shambles
you didn’t have to say you loved me
i read it between your poetry
yet, i still hold my own hand, draped across my torso
sometimes gravity pulls my hand up my ribs, to my breast
so i can feel my heartbeat
maybe this time i won’t forget how to...breath
i will stop digging up my own grave
just to inspect my broken corpse, to try and rebuild this temple
the bricks don’t fit anymore
too many fragments taken away

like my body was used for science
the doctors diagnosed me with a hypothesis
it read if with you, then without me
what is a hypothesis without the theory?
theorize goodbye kisses at red lights
research the car filled with the smell of *** and morning
question **** stains on my sheets
or tear stains on my shirt you wear

i cried for the first time with you there
you were laying next to me in bed, my arms around you
you were asleep
and i wiped my tears on your shoulder without you knowing
i cried to the rhythm of your breathing
spoke hymns in your ear you would never hear
confessed my love, gave you my all
your eyes never opened
weaved your hair in my hands
while i unthreaded stories of my past traumas,
giving you one piece at a time
your heart never flickered
tinkerbell lost her flicker when she didn’t get attention
but how much was too much until it suffocated her?
my thighs in knots from straddling you

... With you
Electricity pulses through my veins as I become blind to the words that escape my lips, tempting me to fill the gap clawing at the air

...Without you
I catch my breath as my tongue manipulates the words that escape my lips, I call out to the fire of our present, till our future turns to ashes

When we were younger and didn’t really know how the world worked, we heard the story of our parents going into a patch and choosing their baby.

I often tell my family that I went into a patch and choose them.

kiss my lips instead of the cigarette bud
                                                                      nestled between your fingers
let me be your nicotine
i’ll be your new addiction

hold me close instead of the drink
                                                             splashing in your cup
let me be your warmth
i’ll be your new addiction

speak to me instead of the ****
                                                         buried in your sock drawer
let me be your calm
i’ll be your new addiction

cry to me instead of the ativan
                                                        in the cupboard behind the towels
let me be your shoulder
i’ll be your new addiction

but, if the drugs still must meet your throat
                                                                      know i'm not going anywhere

i hope to forgive you as easily as it was for you to hurt me

i wish I could take it all away

drink it all
let it burn my tongue
peel my throat as it slides down
digest in my stomach
disperse into my blood
where i can
hold it safe
and keep these pieces of you
for your beautiful being
doesn’t deserve to
carry this burden

i’ll fill you back up
with kisses on your tongue
truth in your throat as it slides down
butterflies in your stomach
peace in your blood
where I can
shut the lid, glue it down, lock it up
hold it safe
i’ll swallow the key
to rebuild the pieces of you
for your beautiful being
deserves
to smile again
…really smile

i wished i could fix it
and i tried

drank it all
let it burn my tongue
peeled my throat as it slid down
digested in my stomach
dispersed into my blood
where i tried to
hold it safe
and kept the pieces of, you
forced me
carry this burden

you pulled my soul out of me
to fill yourself back up
with kisses on your tongue
truth in your throat as it slides down
butterflies in your stomach
peace in your blood
where you
shut the lid, glued it down, locked it up
swallowed the key
to take the pieces of me
for your monstrous bean
took away, me

ignoring who i am is almost worst than hating who i am

i laid bare before you, heart slipped on the hardwood floor
you became blind

i screamed vows in your ear, words scattered on the couch
you became deaf

i beggingly shook your shoulders, history spilled on the bed
you became paralyzed

you prayed
i sinned

this was not a choice

please respond
just please
please
...please

i’d rather have you hate me

you weave rainbows through my fingers
but not without the thunderstorm
on a regular portland day, i’m drowning in puddles

you hum sweet promises in my ear
held onto pinky promises a little too tight
midnights turn to sunrise bruises, craters left in my mind

you lay sour patch kisses between my lips
sweet and sour, never knowing which one i’ll taste first
hits the back of my throat, then your gone

... Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard it rips out of your chest cavity. Into the hand of your partner. For a second your life is in the palm of their hands. You can’t live without them. Breathe without them. 2nd thump, beats so hard it pushes back into your chest cavity. Given back from the hand of your partner. For a second your life is back, heart where it belongs. But this time it doesn’t fit quite right. You need stitches. You receive scars. You can feel your blood pumping, again. But it’s never quite the same. Your partner didn’t borrow your heart. There was no “return with care” label. No library books with due dates and late fees. Only torn pages from too many hands. The crease, broken. Ink smudged from spilled coffee during too many shared mornings. The pages still in tact, but they don’t fit quite right. How do I know this time it will be different?
But here I am.
I lay before you the formula of an overbeating heart. Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard. when I see you. when i feel you. when i think of you. I rip it out of my chest cavity. I beg for you to take it. Scraps and bruises. It hurts to rip it out. Hurts worst for it to stay in. Give me gluten free pancakes. Avocado with lime. Morning, afternoon, night ***. Meetings with toilet seats after too much to drink. Crying over life. Me crying over you crying over life. Late night pleads when the bed feels empty. Spotify playlists, the millennial version of mixed tapes. 2nd thump, beats so hard you can’t hold it anymore. Slips out of your hand. Bright red blood smears. I try and scrape it off the floor. Too much. Too late. Try and fill my empty cavity with. Kisses. Sorrys.
But here I am.
This is the part when medusa turned me to stone. This is the part when jack the ripper follows me home. This is the part when the mirror on the wall says the prettiest of all is you. I am the queen who stalks you through the glass. I am the queen who gets jealous when you hold hands with another girl. I am the queen who hid from the king to see the princess. I am the queen you run away from. I am the queen who wears a disguise just so you notice me. I am the queen who gave you the poisonous apple. I was the one who was suppose to kiss you. I am the queen who lead you to your one true love.

Who are you to hold me
safe
with soft hands on fire?

                     when the want overdoses to a need
                                              my only serenity is our distance

i’m sorry

goodnight kisses melted into wilting dandelions
whisked elsewhere, faded into somber dreams

i'm sorry

tropicana punches greeted bare faces, like the doormat that welcomes your presence

i'm sorry

you swam in my sorrows till tip toes reached the bottom, and waves overwhelmed us

isn't it such a shame when we tie people to objects

it was my favorite shirt

i buried it in the back of my closet
i never wore it again
today i picked it up
it all came back

you came back

i want you to go away
but i hung you back up
along with my dignity and pride

and told myself i'd wear it one day

that day will never come

and if right now, the world stopped moving

                                                         ­      who would you be thinking about

pity me

i have never felt so lonesome in a crowded room
we all know you didn't come here to see me
pity
pity
pity
is the only reason you glance my way

the girl with the difficult past
sits
alone
what a stereotype

stop pretending you mean it
and that
you
care
what a stereotype

you only want to talk to me
so you can be the one to push back the curtain
and
finally
reveal the wizard

such a shame
that i'm a ******* goddess

I loved you but not in the way where
Your body becomes an ocean under my palm
And your tongue becomes the treasure I have to find
And your hands become the gasp of air before I drown in your moans

I loved you but
Your body has no cave to dive into who’s walls are filled with the wetness of the ocean breeze from your breath on my neck
And your chest has no curves like crystals on the sea floor I swim to just to hold them
And you have no gills that protect the entrance in which you breathe life from
           No gills in which you must rub the right direction

I loved you but you are the man on Earth and I belong with the mermaids under the sea

let me take you to church on friday nights after gin and whiskey

roar ‘oh my god’ so she knows you like it
take communion when my thighs greet your face
- - - - taste thy gifts, which we are about to receive
knees rap the hardwood floor, make you beg for mercy
whisper sins in my ears, teeth bashed pillows no longer muffle
crying out your confessions, repent
- - - - keep it pseudo with a blindfold
dip deep, deliver baptisms when i get you wet
- - - - god is a woman in this bed, no more ****** mary’s
metamorphose **** into holy water
vocalize moans to the harmony of the gospel
precise fingers conduct the choir
- - - - adagio, andante, allegro - you designate
reach salvation when you ******
- - - - arch your back, thy will be (un)done

overwhelming dysphoria abducts me in ****** daylight
like a sophisticated killer
dauntless of phantoms near
certain they will be seized, not

i needed to be closer
but the clothes between our beings forbid us

i wonder what its like
to not feel so deeply

                                                         ­                                   if there was a pill,
                                                                ­                    to finally forget it all...

To not remember the pain
poison, poured perfectly to the brim of my heart
To not remember your words
encompassing my mind, replaying
o
v
   e
    r
and
o
v
   e
    r
and
o
v
   e
    r
To not remember the tears
drowning the corpse you left, when you...
To not remember the goodbye
stuck inside the boxes
                filled with your memories
                left at your doorstep
                with our first kiss
To not remember you

but then I wonder what its like
to not feel so deeply

To not remember the love
you introduced me to, for the first time
To not remember your words
in between my poetry
o
v
   e
    r
and
o
v
   e
    r
and
o
v
   e
    r
To not remember the tears
from rapture, the first time you said it...
To not remember the hello
                filled with our memories
                beginning at your doorstep
                with our first kiss
To not remember you

                                                            ­                               i would not take it

and before you,
i dig with a needle, an arm and a leg
i haven’t decided whether i should jump off the cliff or jump into you
but, the voice i once heard from the ripples in the lake, now respond with whirred silence
blackberry shaped kisses on my being
etched from the hand of my mother
i’ll give you lemon drops and hot tea
if you are willing to burry me in a cloud of forgiveness
lick my open wounds, and i’ll jump into you
or if the cliff lives above my head, catch me

--f
----a
------l
--------l
----------i
------------n
-------­-------g

i eat the earth because i long to be a tree