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165 · Jun 2019
i am an artist
Dylan Mcconnell Jun 2019
queer.
one who shakes and quivers
with the slightest mention of death
one who has attempted suicide
over ten times
four over drugs
one who adores fuzzy animals (including bunnies)
i write haiku's
i write long poems
i even write stories
my cat and graduation and the joyous things in my life
my room brings back 1,000,000,000 truamatic memories
but
my moms my rock


eighteen is such an overrated age :(
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2019
Good morning boy.
Good morning coffee, with the reminiscence of your lips kissing me
Good morning cab, that takes me to you
Good morning you.
Good morning walking you to class and holding you close!
Good morning Snapchat, waking me up for texts from you

Good afternoon lunch, where you and your friends play uno
Good afternoon sadness, because I have to wait 2 1/2 hours to see you
Good afternoon the two hours that's passed, so I can hold you close
Good afternoon closeness.

Good night bed, that craves your existence
Good night dog, that I wished we shared together
Good night Snapchat, as the texts disappear overnight
Good night you.

Until Tomorrow.
Oh my god, I'm such a gay boy. I love my boyfriend so much, I've never fallen for someone this hard and this fast. HALP
156 · Jan 2018
Hi.
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
Hi.
“You Look So Happy”
happy you say?
you don’t see the cut
i use to pay
the smile that i shut
you don’t see my pain
when i hide away
i choose to abstain
yet i cry anyway
you don’t see the drunken smile
but that, i cannot hide that i am upsot
is this worth your while?
“What?”
what you murmured
you don’t understand it
understand my cravings
cravings for pain
pain that’s too deep
you don’t understand my tears
tears over her
her who broke me
me, the once whole human
you don’t understand my heart
my heart that’s broken
broken, shattered, not pumping
pumping the blood i need to live
“Oh”
you understand
ugly understanding now i’m gone
absent abuse now i’m a ghost
vanished violation now i disappeared
all gone, now that i’m gone
154 · May 2020
things will be okay
Dylan Mcconnell May 2020
when i say
'things will be okay,'
i mean that things will eventually work out
that doesn't mean life is going to become perfect, no
but it does in fact mean that the things you're worrying about
right now
will be okay
they will become memories
and you'll forget about the time you were so stressed for finals you didn't eat for 48 hours
things will be okay
you'll forget about what it was like to turn 17 when you were 18
and you'll never remember your favorite song as a 1st grader
on December 13th
you just won't
and for that
things will be okay
i think we need to remember perspective
148 · Jan 2019
Dad pt 2
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2019
Dear dad, I love you
I love the love in your laugh
Your awesome autograph
Your perfect paraph
That chafed calf

Dear dad, I hate you
Your tactless tone
I should’ve known
That you would’ve thrown the stone
You’re like a clone
A drone
A stone

Dear dad, you’re complex
Blaming adolescent audrey
Going on a shrieking spree
Then to give me a blackberry
You’re like a broken birdie
A galaxy
My own personal genie

Dear dad, you left me
You left your baby girl
I’m not that baby girl
I’m a boy, one who has curls
Who sings in swirls

Dear dad, why her?
Why your eruptive ex?
She signs your corrosive checks
You’re just as complex

Dear dad, goodbye
I no longer believe in the high
We will never unify
You’re sly
Shy
A bad guy
147 · Jan 2018
I'm intoxicated
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
By your touch.
The touch of soft, velvety fingers.
The touch of silky smooth sheets.
The touch of your heartbeat against mine.

By your voice.
The voice of comfort.
The voice of soothing words.
The voice of love. (see poem "To Love")

By your smell.
The smell of perfume.
The smell of sharpies.
The smell of cigarettes.

But I'm not only intoxicated by you. I'm intoxicated by so many other things.

But I'll leave that for another day.
Wait for it.
146 · Jan 2018
Imagine?
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
Imagine that I'm happy.
That I am safe.
That I'm listening to music every day 'till I'm 18.
That I have a cat to hug when I'm sad.
Imagine that I'm at a safe, happy, home.
That the home has heat.
It has people I can call mom and dad.
It has a room I can decorate for my own.
Imagine that I have resources for myself that better prepare for the world.
Transitional Living Program.
Anger management counseling.
And most importantly, A home!!
Imagine I feel alive.
That I go on road trips
That I have deep conversations and really think.
That I live for me.
Imagine.
god, I wish I could have happiness in my life. that I could have parents and hope. that my mom wouldn't give me up.
144 · Jan 2019
January 1st 12:01am
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2019
Anxiety sips at me because I’m a living example of what not to worry about
If you were to throw a weird microchip in me to see what my thoughts were,
Anxiety would be ****** as **** because god, what does an 18 year old have
That’s worriable?
Depression eats away at me due to the y'anna whole mental illness component
But it eats away at me even more because it knows I’m young and innocent.
I’m young and innocent so therefore it has everything to worry about.
Depression is the worrier in my head.. It worries if I will ever get better.
Why? Because dear god, if I get better I wouldn’t be worthy enough for depression’s deadly grasp.
And trauma, lastly, grips me for dinner. Due to the fact that it’s sad.
Trauma is sad I’m leaving it behind, for once.
Trauma is sad I’m moving on.
Trauma is distraught that I have a chance at not being the traumatized one.
Trauma is the depressed.
Drug abuse, he sat there stalking my every move.
Waiting for me to come home so I could finally be gunned against the wall and die.
And god it couldn’t wait for me to die.
The illness finally caught up.
All the illnesses caught up.
And this was the end.
You see, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and trauma make me up.
And in themselves, they make each other up.
The depression is the anxiety, the trauma is the depression, etc.
143 · Jan 2019
Dad
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2019
Dad
You finally left our perfect family.
You packed your brown suitcase.
You said goodbye to our house of 5 years.
You drove that Cleatus down the road without looking back.
And where are you now?
With that girlfriend who lives in Minnesota.
You drove away all the way to Minnesota to go live with her.
You’re with her kids while you left your own one back here.
Why them and not me?

That’s a question I ask myself everyday.

Was it my quiet self?
Or my avoidance of the hard stuff?
Could it have been I said I love you too often?
Or was it the fact I loved you with all my heart?

To this day I still don’t know why you left, but I have a guess.

It was for the girlfriend.
The family you’ve always wanted.
The one you didn’t get with me.
It was the fact you had an excuse to run away.

Well thank you for running away, I found myself.

My love for poetry
For books, for art.
I found my feelings, and I found my heart.
I found out I’m male, and found out I love my family.
I found out more than I’ll ever admit to you.

To this day, you still live there.

In Minnesota, in hell.
With my two “siblings”
Siblings enough where we can fight
But not enough where we can call each other a family.

Well dad I have a question.
What is a family?
Is it blood to you?
Or is it living under the same roof?

To this day I will never know.

Good-bye dad.
Goodbye house.
Good-bye farm.
Good-bye siblings.
142 · May 2020
escapril- a fresh start
Dylan Mcconnell May 2020
i'm breathing
in and out
out and in
in and out
I'm breathing to resuscitate my lungs
i just came from a date with a panic attack
we freaked out together and
flashed back to good ol'
narcan time.
breathing is hard.
but this is a new time
a new start
to see how long i can go
141 · Mar 2019
him
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2019
him
hi, i'm dylan,
i'm trans, in love, and listening to music
i'm also v.v happy bc i'm in love.

so this boy, he's a cute boy,
who gives good hugs and has
a really dorky and cute smile
his hair is curly and kinda messy
but y'anno what? i like him a lot

he's smart, kind, and again,
gives ******* amazing hugs
also, he's not a druggie, so
i can add him to my list of good people.
so yeah!
i love him
137 · Apr 2019
Escapril (Day 24)
Dylan Mcconnell Apr 2019
Liar, Liar (Pants on fire)
Escapril day 24
Liar.
You said you did nothing wrong.
Liar.
You said you didn’t deserve it.
Pants.
You said I deserved every form of punishment I got.
On.
You screamed at me, egging me on.
Fire.
Now I’m on fire and borderline expelled.
137 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Dylan Mcconnell Jun 2019
i'll wait.
until all the petals from the flower drop.
until all the raspberries from the plant are eaten.
until summer is over.
i'll wait until then to say the magic words.
143.
i.
love.
you.
136 · Jan 2018
I'm a Poet
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
I survive off caffeine of sorts.
I survive off Bon Iver and Elliott Smith.
I survive off minimal money and ****** gas station jobs.
Lastly, I survive off of tiny computers and loads of paper.

I hope for a better day.
I hope for a home.
I hope for a family to call my own.
And I hope for a nice house and job in my future.

I live for poetry slams and trauma.
I also live for suicide awareness and ****** assault centers.
I live for helping the community and
getting my **** together.

I hate dogs and I hate people who **** people.
I hate people who eat tomatoes like apples.
I hate the fact I have enough trauma to last 3 lifetimes, but somedays, I really like I get to speak about my experience.
And somedays, I just hate life.

But today?
Today I survive off a 24oz cup of coffee.
I hope for a family.
I live for the knowledge that a better day will come.
And I hate my mother.
I am a good poet. I don't need validation, although it is nice.
136 · Jan 2018
Choices
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
There comes a time in every person’s life when they need to make a choice.
A choice about love
A choice about life
A choice about which path to take
A choice.
It’s funny considering I’ve made probably all the wrong turns.
About love
About life
And even about which path to take.
I think I chose the wrong path.
But now?
Now I think I chose life.
I choose to love each person.
I choose to go on the “right” path.
I choose life.
136 · Nov 2018
Ode To Love
Dylan Mcconnell Nov 2018
Ode to the love I have for myself that I wish would love me back.

I wish you showed up on every day including the ugly ones.
So the sunny days. The cold days. The snowy, winter days.
I wish you loved me back.
I wish we could make love the way I make love to paper and pen.
I wish I could show you the deepest parts of me and you'd comprehend what those meant.

But till then, I can only wait.
134 · Apr 2019
1.02pm
Dylan Mcconnell Apr 2019
1:02 pm.

I can’t.
I can’t do this.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t.
I keep hitting walls.
I keep throwing ****.
And smoking until I throw up.
I don’t know what to do.
Do I continue this episode of painfulness?
Or do I die?
Or do I just sit here and let it pass?
132 · Jun 2019
listener of
Dylan Mcconnell Jun 2019
i'm dylan
eighteen
lover of
furry animals
dude shorts that have pockets
drugs
hater of
spiders
people that make me feel bad
coldplay
inspirational quotes= kryptonite
as does a good pen nice piece of paper/notebook
if you're with a good group of friends
anything can be amazing and perfect
chalkboards are gross
what isn't as awful is having tapestries in your room
and good smelling shampoo and body wash
hugs make everything better
kisses may be overrated, but their also pretty great
Listener of
Lizzo
Billie Eilish
and Neil Hilborn
just me avoiding panicking over my AODA assessment in less than 48 hours
131 · Jan 2018
Fears
Dylan Mcconnell Jan 2018
I'm scared.
Scared of the demons in my head,
and monsters under my bed.
Scared of the dead,
and scared of what I said.

I'm fearful.
Fearful of hugs,
and of what's in the jug.
I'm fearful of bugs,
and also those pugs.

I'm petrified.
Petrified of getting space.
and of too much space.
Petrified of a phone case,
and even an embrace.

I'm scared.
Just a thought.
Dylan Mcconnell Jun 2019
one. landslide by fleetwood mac is a really good song to listen to when you're sad or upset
two. i struggle with mental health which is, but not limited to, bpd and ptsd
three. john oliver's episode's of 'last week tonight' make me smile on my bad days
four. i am over eighteen and a half years old
five. i graduate june 9th and that means i'm one million percent done with high school
six. yellow is a really good happy color and purple is a really good sad color
seven. jennifer lawrence is really funny and super hot
eight. i apologize to my body for utterly ******* it over
nine. art may be the only thing that keeps me as whole as i am
ten. i know neko case is pretty great, and seeing her live in concert was the best night of my life
i watched a ted talk from sarah kay today called 'if i should have a daughter'

this is inspired by that.
111 · Feb 2020
using
Dylan Mcconnell Feb 2020
I've gotten to a point where
if I stop using
-
I get physically sick
I get emotionally drained
I become suicidal and impulsive
-
but the consequences are glaring in the room down the hall.
-
homelessness
debt
no school/college degree
that'll be rockbottom
-
but wait
I've already gotten so far into the hole
what makes this consequence neighbor different?
-
I sold myself to some random dude
to get drugs
I took a pregnancy test last week
it was positive
-
I broke curfew
I broke my rules
I broke other housing rules
I broke values
-
I guess
don't use.
**** gets bad.
fast.
111 · Dec 2019
self harm
Dylan Mcconnell Dec 2019
so i guess there's this thing,
it's called a
"trigger"
it's something i viewed for a long time as
an excuse
but now, i'm viewing it as
"oh **** dude you're struggling"
and right now i'm ******* struggling
i'm in pain
i hurt
i'm sad
i'm wanting to leave
and give up
and run
far
far


a

w

a

y
108 · Apr 2020
i'm not
Dylan Mcconnell Apr 2020
i'm not sound
i'm not stable
i still feel irrational and anxiet-ied nearly 99% of the time
it doesn't help i've had a seizure and have an MRI scheduled
with IV sedation which includes fentanyl
which i am a recovering addict
so this ****'s ******* S c a r Y
i feel sick to my stomach thinking of it
and it's not for another 23 days
but
i also have an EEG scheduled
and that's scary too
because
anxiety
and
mental health

and so i will sit here
and type out my feelings
while somehow being vaguely manic

breathe dylan
i need you to breathe

dude
you're being stupid
shut the **** up you little *****
you're being irrational
nobody likes an irrational person

therefore
nobody likes you
and you will die alone
everything in your life leading you to this moment is utter ******* and make no sense
so just go do something else
and stop being stupid

but
but but

i found someone who actually
like
likes me for me
and respects me and my brain before my body
and it's beautifully strange but somehow familiarly heartwrenching

i don't like it
i don't like feeling this way

and my brain
working this way

so i will continue to write
until my music or brain thoughts stop
which is a hard question to see which will end first

**** is this really my future?
dude sos
107 · Dec 2019
"you"
Dylan Mcconnell Dec 2019
you tickled me like a sore throat tickles the idea of sickness.
you grabbed my throat like you were grasping for something on the top shelf you couldn't quite reach.
you put yourself inside me as though you were shoving everything into a suitcase after a vacation.
-
do you think that spoke to you?
was that pretty?
did it radiate the constellations you see in your trauma?
-
oh, sweet jesus i hope the **** not.
i hope you were uncomfortable.
i have this insecure faith in the world that you squirmed at the idea of trauma being talked about so aesthetically.
-
when i was assaulted the first four times, i RADIATED hurt, pain, discomfort, and needed the numbness to survive.
-
you shouldn't need numbness to survive pain.
but, it's so understandable.
if you break your leg, you get pain relievers for the break.
if you are in surgery, you get a sedative
you're not expected to stay awake for the pain.
-
so why do we need to be awake for the trauma?
trauma's a *****. meds are rude.
105 · Apr 2019
I am
Dylan Mcconnell Apr 2019
I am suicidal.
I am angry.
I am experiencing shame.
I am sad.
I am resenting every horrible thing I have ever done.
Lastly, I am manic.


I am sad I hit him.
I am shaming myself because I shouldn’t have done what I did.
I am suicidal because I’ve finally had time to process/realize what I did.
I am angry at him for egging me on.
I am resenting him for blowing me off.
I am having an adverse reaction to a med and experiencing a manic episode.

What do I do?
Who do I ask for help?
Do I go inpatient?
Do I fight this on my own?
What.
Do.
I.
Do.
103 · Jun 2020
none
Dylan Mcconnell Jun 2020
i know that when you eat 13 more pills than your body is used to, it will freak out and land up in the ICU where you will fight against yourself to stay alive. and that's no easy ****, i also know that when you did this the first time you were a lot healthier than you are now.

i know that last night i came to the most tragic epiphany ever. when i was a kid, i watched my mom turn herself into a puppet as a hand went across her face, fast, and i would turn my brain off into a different world. and then it became toxic. i began imagining the pretty little 80lb girl slicing her pinkie-wrapped-wide wrist in order to look pretty. and by 5th grade, i developed an eating disorder.

i know that if i wasn't abused, i may have actually stood a chance to make something of myself.

i know that i have an issue with denial around my anxiety and the crippling level of it. i know i'm downplaying. i know i hurt. i know.

i know that if i hadn't fallen in love with trauma and ******-up **** to make me aesthetic and pretty, we'd be in a different place.
i'm sorry to admit i literally was abused to the point i fostered a mental illness
97 · Feb 2020
Untitled
Dylan Mcconnell Feb 2020
sometimes words don't
c l i c k
in my head
the same way some others have
c
h
o
I
c
e
s
about which math class you're in.

sometimes my head tells me that I'd be better off alone.
it goes far.
it runs far.
my life feels far.
96 · Apr 2020
i'm feeling some way
Dylan Mcconnell Apr 2020
my brain cells aren't working the way they have been
i am currently 33 days sober and it's the worst best thing ever
i'm grateful i can breathe and function and sit at a humane level
but i'm not happy that the euphoric feelings completely don't exist anymore
i'm grateful for being able to see the sky every morning
but i'm not grateful to see it without the feelings of drugs being involved
i feel broken somedays
i feel sad a lot of the times
but mostly i feel numb
like nothing can actually function normally
whatever the **** that means
and so i'm really upset about the fact i can't see things the way i've considered normal
dude my brain is fried and i hurt
95 · Mar 2020
In the dark
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
Is where I see truth, honesty, and art
Is not where I believe to be alive for ages
Is where my dreams come to life, and my heart no longer suffer
Is not where overdoses can occur
Is where I can be the closest to death without dying
Is the closest to a functioning real-life adult I can be
With still being the "dysfunctional adult" I am
Is safety and comfort, with fuzzy blankets
and aesthetic lighting
Is why I stay in the dark and hide
Is where cerulean comes to life on the ceiling
Isn't a place to get better, recover, or become soft and gentle
Is where I dream for a kinder, gentler day
that can cuddle my flaws and smooch away
the shame and guilt
uh mental health is stupid so are drugs
92 · May 2020
traveling
Dylan Mcconnell May 2020
i hope you travel to lots of places
places you favorably call home
places that make your bones hum in enjoyment
places that ring of heartbreak
places that radiate joy
and sparkle and singe in awe and amazement
I hope you see things on your travels
that restore faith in humanity
that make you scream from rooftops
that make you feel that you're one with life and love
I hope you meet people that make you feel beautiful and raw
I hope you meet others that define heartbreak
I hope you experience sadness
and joy, and rage
along with euphoria and sonder
there is so much out there to see
and smell
and experience
and taste
and hear
I hope you go to concerts that make you
feel so in the moment you can't imagine anything out of this one feeling
I hope you do everything and so much more
I hope you hear new music
and live life.
i hope you live this beautiful mess of a thing we call life.
91 · Mar 2020
s h i t
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
i had kind of a different experience today
with the weedujuanas,
instead of feeling really hyper or really suicidal
i just . . . could breathe
i could sing and feel alive
i could paint and think 'good' things
i could laugh with no remorse or guilt
but. then.
it wore off, and i needed more
so i went to my friends
and sold her some **** so i could get some addy
and man, i wish i wasn't so destructive
otherwise,
none of this would happen.
but
whatever.
life's life
and here i
am
.
.
.
bro idk i just ugh
84 · Mar 2020
i can't
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
really understand
-
what my brain is feeling
or thinking
even emitting
-
i can't really accept
what is actually happening
-
it's like i watch myself have
the consequences
but
i never actually can 'feel' them
-
drugs can **** up a lot
in a short amount of time
and that **** ain't cool
it's a fine and narrow line
-
one moment
you have control on everything
and the next
you get that one hit
or the higher quality
or even your grandma sends some cash
and you get more than you've ever had
and
nothing is ever the same
-
no more thinking
no more feeling
no more theories
no more genuineness
no more identity
-
more dissociation
more depression
more starving
more deadly activities
more ******* around
-
if i became homeless
i'd end up saying bet
if someone shot me tomorrow
i'd die somewhat happy
but nowhere near content
if i lost my mom tomorrow
i'd smoke 4 blunts
and if i killed myself tonight
i'd die proud
-
somehow my life went from
****** grades
trauma and abuse
with a side of physical aggression
and suicide attempt after suicide attempt

to

near death expereinces
fentanyl spiked drugs
coming to appointments high
but don't forget the time i ****** someone to get high
and lastly, trying to die because i cannot find the
means to forget about
all the unimaginable and traumatic
decisions and moments
i've ever wanted to forget
-
please don't let me leave this alive?
drugs **** kiddos
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
When the feelings subside...
From the negative self talk to the self-hatred.
From the disordered eating to depression and anxiety.
From trauma to substance abuse.
When all of that and more subsides...

I will listen to "The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens. I will lay on my back looking up at the ceiling, debating all that's whole in the world. I will turn my head to see a human looking back at me, as to remind me i'm so much more than myself in a world that beckons to hear me.

When the feelings of
guilt, shame, and self-loathing subside
and the light seems to shine over a trillion clouds
with a small smile from the heavens
-if i were the poet to believe in heaven-

i will draw with my favorite pen
and write a letter to someone i once despised
yet never send it
because **** actual feelings
and **** spending money on stamps

when the feelings of disgust and squirminess
decide to run away,
and i'm left with a black hole of anger

i will simultaneously cry and scream while running away
from everything i once believed
i will block a person or two, feeling utter regret
rant about three more times,
and return to the life i call home.
i think i'm learning how to love something again
60 · Feb 2020
mistakes
Dylan Mcconnell Feb 2020
i mistake a first date as settling down
a deep conversation for a new best friend
five carrots as my dinner
free ride home for continuous vehicular mobility
i mistake a kiss on the cheek as marriage material
and those glossy, deep blue, swooning eyes
have been mistakenly viewed as
my one and only partner
-
my friend once told me i looked miserable
i thought that meant she cared
little did i know, it was her way of
manipulating a situation to her liking
so she could bring it up as "instability," only two weeks later
-
don't forget the time i let shame and disappointment come over
to hold me in the absence of your wrath
-
i never really realized how many of your lies i believed
and took as truth
when the future and upcoming consequences
proved you to be wrong
-
i thought that mistaking the next door neighbor
for a friend
would mean i'd never be put into a risky situation with him
yet little did i know
he'd end up ***** one night while i was intoxicated
and **** my dysphoria to the point i couldn't see myself
as lovable, compassionate, valid, or kind
-
i thought that by you grabbing my back instead of my *******
meant you just wanted someone close
but the second that strip turned blue
i realized i was just another pawn in the game
-
you were *****, alone, and fearful
i was tired, inebriated, and misguided
so yeah
59 · Mar 2020
king
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
hi i'm dylan
king of nervous thoughts
today's nervous thought is brought to you by
trauamaticmemories.com
in which we remember the overdose and precipitating events
leading in towards the overdose
and we second guess every good that's happened since then
and so stimulants naturally make dylan paranoid
so you'd think without them, he wouldn't be...
well, it's still emotional withdrawal peak time,
so the paranoia is in full blast
~
so why do i deserve good things?
like, what's so special about the good things i experience?
~
it makes me heartbroken that such a thought
can exist
while being tremendously content
and holding the person i'm falling in love with
~
i feel shame
for having done things
that are in my past
that i have to sit with at night
i keep trying to run away from that,
but it keeps haunting me at night
~
like phantom limb syndrome
i will still feel the addict nerve endings shift and grind
against the proactive, recovery-oriented, lovely nerves,
and it will HURT.
~
i will squirm
cry
hurt
&
crumble
~
but i will rise again
to hold my love
and give her one last kiss on the neck
before turning my nose towards her to acknowledge
"it's time to go to bed"
~
and that is my train of thought
today
at
3:22 pm
on Sunday
March
29th
in 2020
my brain is a weird place today

— The End —