They ooze out of my pours like sweat,
Beads rolling down my neck.
The sun is blinding, her heat burns.
Have you forgotten me?
Rendered as ash into an urn...

Oh friend of flesh, bone and blood,
Have you forgotten the times we've had
Playing over gravel, into grime and mud?
Oh flesh of my bone,
Oh garment of mine,
Why would you limit me like this?
Your cold winds push me back,
Its intensity stops me in my track.
Why?
Are you afraid?
Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me.
Truly.
Yet you make me pay the price.
Is this the value of my life?
And when I am abandoned
By friends of blood and soul,
They leave me with no other, but you,
The only friend of Spirit,
Or so I am told.

Are the winds capable of carrying my voice?
How will I feel your presence?
How can you fill a human void?
You are far greater,
And my limits come short.
It is a puzzle piece,
and while you are the table on which I rest,
You are not of the missing sort.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Perhaps my capacity is far larger
Than the perceived aspects of the things I lack.
And as I study the human mind,
I am reminded of all the people and things I need.
And I've concluded: all I need is people.
So how would God wish that I proceed?

Up the hill I go, through
Shrouds of obscure sorrows and transient joys.
Cold sweats,
Cold sweats,
Shed from me old skin and I pass
Old threats.
Is it a hill?
For I assumed an unobservable peak in expectation.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Something I've told myself?
But if there's only up
For as long as I'm alive,
How can there be eternal ease
Under everchanging skies?

You love me in this
Throne of flesh and bone glittering
and new, dripping with the honey dew
Of golden jewels.
Looking at my supple curves,
Soft, and it bounces with the slightest touch,
It groans, and rumbles, shaking in its folds,
Ripe in its prime.
The moment is now, this is the time!

The blood pumps under swollen flesh with vigor.
My taste is of sweet wine and I
Grimace at the thought of vinegar.
Entertain me with your touch, squeeze, and caress.
This throne craves to be exposed and undressed.
I am one with my shiny seat, for it is not too late.
Time will take its tole, age will make it old,
In a predictable fate.
I am immortal in this moment, capture me in this state!
Untamed and feral, under the influence of youth,
Too drunk to see the truth.

Sing! Oh people of the world!
Sing for the pain that brought you closer,
For the pain that taught you about trust,
Resilience, courage, helpfulness, love,
For the pain that taught you about God,
About the nature of the sword.
Sing louder, oh people of the world!
And marvel at the pain,
So inhumane
Some became more human.
Cherish your cries,
Savor your tears,
Slay your fears!
And sing for a life lived in hours, days, and years!

How could I jeopardize
A moment of bliss,
A heart touched by your kiss,
A soul warmed in your hug?

How could I sabotage
This peaceful smile
A rewarding feeling that
All of my efforts were worthwhile?
Oh how stupid I was to have nearly
Let this all go
For something so flippant and transient.
There must be a sickness in the heart,
A disease in the mind,
But nevermind that
I feel healed in your love.

It's like the stillness of nature,
It is not calm,
Like the hesitation of a wolf
Who sees sheep led by a shepherd
In a distant farm.
Like the sound of a fly
That's too far away to ****.
You're hesitant, uncomfortable,
You prefer it this way but
It's still ******* your knees when
You're going downhill.

I can see the distant storm,
Its anger looming,
Its inevitability grooming me.

The sky is wide,
It makes no sense to run from its shadow.
It moves like the sea
and I float in its current.

I was moving forward but now
I must fall back.
I have no choice but I'll always
Come back on track.

"You are asking God to give you from his bounty,
And I ask, what makes you worthy?"
God's pool is pure,
And my hands are tainted.
What I ask for is for
The hand of one of your beloved.
Yet, will your servant want someone like me?

To be worthy of your bounty
And a man so great, surely
I must be tested?
I cannot expect the best when
The best does not deserve that which is
Far lesser than perfect.

I ask for a human,
Not a thing.
I ask for a man
Worthy to be a king.
I ask for a love so sweet,
For a mercy so complete,
But perhaps I must come equal to such a treat.

I thought I've come close,
But it's not enough.
I've learned that there is no love without knowledge
And no knowledge without love.
So now that this is acknowledged,
Perhaps loneliness wouldn't seem so tough.
I can see you want what is best for me,
And the best requires to rise up and above.

I am hopeful,
And I'll pray, everyday.
You promised I come in a pair,
You assure me that you are fair,
And when the time comes to receive that gift,
I must be ready and worthy of being there.

In every moment, in every place,
I must be strong;
Especially in the night
When the darkness blankets my eyes
And casts its shadow over my heart.

It's okay to be upset,
But the darkness speaks,
And I listen intently,
But I must not believe everything it says.

It looks into me and and sees
My past, my history,
It says treacherous things
About the people around me.

I recognise it now,
Now that I fight to be worthy of your love,
My Lord.
I see it now,
And how it can cause me to sting and sink
My venom into the people I love.
And when I wake it becomes clear,
What a horrible person I was.

I denied myself your garden of Eden,
The heaven that you promised me.
I denied it even though I was deeply swayed by its beauty.
I reject your love knowing that you loved me.
I reject my love for you too, baby.
I reject it all, though it has been hard for me,
Because I can't have any of it without the Almighty.

So God, please accept my attempt at courage,
And if this was a test, make it so that I've passed.
For the things I've done,
I do not ask for a reward, but,
May I request for your love to replace
The pains of the past?

I remember the ways in which your body told me that you want me:
Pulling me so close so that our chests were inches away,
Your strong arms firm around my waist
Taking my breath away.
"Come here" you'd rasp, and I'd obey.
Grabbed my ******* and ****** the tip,
Picked me up and threw me on the bed,
Kissed my hand to my arm any chance you'd get.
****** and bit my neck,
Liked the way I tasted...
Yet all our efforts to hold onto each other,
Wasted.

I don't know if it's true,
But I think I may have a temperature.
Doctor, what is your prognosis?
How do I heal this sickness?
My chest is burning,
Like an iron is pressed against it.
Well of course these are tears!
I guess I'm threatened by the silence...
I feel ill and feeble,
My only cure is to be with people!
Loneliness is evil,
Unnatural,
I need you by my side.

I embraced you for dear life
In my *****, where you comfortably reside,
To our detriment, our weights combined,
So in fear of violating the rights of mankind,
I release you, my love,
Though you may weigh heavy on my mind...

You look down on me from your high tower.
To me, you're full of beauty, strength and wonder.
I cannot count on the words you utter
To tell me the truth that lies in your heart;
Instead, I'll read your eyes as a start,
Then I'll study your expressions,
Look into the patterns of your mannerisms, your tone,
Study how you're different in private, with friends or over the phone.
I'll let you seep into my heart and mind,
Let you change me, I'll leave the me from the past behind.

All for what, I ask?
If it's a sin to love you...
Then why can't I let go?

Do I **** out the life from you
Like a leach?
Were you more excited about your future before meeting me?
Do I remind you of despair and insecurity?
Do I bring forth the future's unpredictability?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!

Never thought about how all this could hurt you,
My Romeo...
The poison we'll take is heartache.
But which of us will have the courage to break this curse?
Which of us will drink from this cup first?
"Drink poison now, or live longer in thirst."

As I edge this vessel to my lips,
Romeo,
I remember the nights we spent together
Gazing into the lights in our eyes.
Romeo,
I remember you singing from the heart
As you held me tight, Oh Romeo...
Oh the things we'd whisper,
Oh the games we'd play.
And my favorite part was when
You would read my soul as if it was on display.

Yes, my Romeo...
I did warn you, didn't I,
That the lights that burn brightest, burn fastest.
And how bright did we burn for each other?
Oh how much did we yearn for one another?
But I still find myself yearning,
Dreaming of the possibility
That you'd see life the way I do.
But that isn't fair on you,
Neither of us will change.
"So the quicker we drink the poison,
The easier we'll be unchained."

As I sit on this bench
And the chilly breeze raises my skin,
The birds sing their beautiful songs,
And the leaves dance in the golden light;
The clouds sway and move,
They are thick and rich in colour,
And I cannot help but wonder -
How long before this moment lasts?

Home is infested with vermin
And no tool will help me clean it.
I pray in my room, and listen to sermons,
And I’m anxious over my future
For I cannot see it.
I cannot help it, I am afraid,
But I’ll wilfully enjoy this calm.
I’ll hold my hand as it shakes,
And I’ll wipe a cloth over my sweaty palms.
For what choice do I have
Other than to stop and wait?
I cannot agonise over that which
Is out of my control,
So I’ll work with fate,
And no matter what happens
God remains great.

The silence
Embraced me with its gentleness
And caressed me with a form of peace
Lying below, or above,
Somewhere in a deeper dimension.
As I’ve been constantly at war with
My limits,
I saw how she struggled to connect,
Interpreted stillness and quiet as a threat
To her image: the girl she learned she had to be
Just so that she could make sense to other people…
To me.
I can’t believe you speak to me in this way.
But I’m only repeating to myself
The early words I learned as a cub,
“No, you must not speak, no one wants to hear, you have nothing to declare, you’ve been foolish, you must be embarrassed every time, how dare you come out of your shell!”
Never got to learn
Who I was beneath the clouds,
Beneath the fog and the illusions.
All I’m doing is trying my hardest
To avoid humiliation,
Trying my best to be liked by you.

Let me cherish this.
This pure love I have for you.
Not for what you look like,
Or for what you can do,
But purely for the person that you are.
Let me cherish this sweet innocence.
Let me rely on the remembrance of your smile,
Or the times when you’d speak to me,
To fill me with glee.
Let me hold on to the peace I felt
When remembering the fact that I’d be around you
Would calm the storm of my turbulent mind
Even for a short time.
Loving you isn’t painful,
It’s natural and comes easy.
It has been a blessing bestowed onto me.
I feel like I know you beyond words,
I feel like you know me.
It is tragic though, when I know that I can’t have you, it’s true,
But to have had the honour,
The pleasure of knowing you,
Even for a short time,
I am grateful beyond what words can describe.

Why do I think that
I’m exempt from certain fates?
Why do I think
That I’m different from others
And separate from their struggles?
Maybe because you were here with me
And we faced the world together
And we made a home
With hard solid foundations.
But with a huff and a puff
Satan shook the skeleton
The very structure
The very innards
And I felt the shiver
And the dread that
Perhaps nothing,
And I mean
Absolutely nothing lasts forever.

So it is in moments like these
That I feel a pathetic kinship
To the most desolate
And The most desperate of man.
Oh how small I am.

She wakes up and forgets what it means to be human.
Your expressions, your mannerisms, your tone,
None of them evoke truth,
Or what is really going on.
There's always something more,
Something far far beyond.
So when you are plain and clear to her,
She doesn't trust it.
It's best if you write it with a felt-tip.
If she doesn't have another sounding board to bounce off of,
How does she know what reality is?
She cannot tell who is genuine or who is a fraud.
She wakes up and says she forgot.
So she would rather sit in her corner
And observe how we interact.
She'll memories what works
To make up for what she lacks.

To depict my utter confusion
Let me speak clearly.
I don't know anymore
What is wrong and what is right.
Perhaps I've never known
Exactly what separates daylight from the night.
And when I look into it
There are so many perspectives,
And time is spent on each
And each is compelling.
I've learned through experience
That to an extent, everything is true,
And I've learned that
No one is a villain of their own story
But they are all a victim of life's tragedy,
And I don't know what I know anymore when
I have empathy.
And I've been so deluded and mislead;
Made my own superstitions from my head,
And gave a character to life that was unfair,
So what am I really doing here?

Here's to the girl who lied constantly.
To the girl who thought she knew reality.
She was onto something, definitely,
But this is the girl who reveled in stupidity;
To the girl who nearly sold her soul.
To the girl who was taken as a fool.
To the girl who was there for her friends,
Through thick and thin,
And didn't get the same back from them.
To the girl who knew everything about them,
Yet she was still the stranger.
To the girl who actively put herself in danger.
To the girl who became popular and was still lonely,
To the girl who never got to know me-

I'm here now.
You can stop crying.
I appreciate how hard you were trying.

Her skin glistens like honey,
Her scent pulls me like gravity,
Her curves incite potential.
She is hazy,
Like a ghost, or an apparition.
When I move forward, I don't get any closer.
She is my envisioned future.
And you grab her, father,
You pin her down and you **** her, father,
Repeatedly, you hurt her, father!
She turns bleak,
Her screams make me run!
And I run! But I don't get any closer!
Her tears stream and stretch towards me in rivers,
Her hand, outstretched, quivers,
But I run and I run
And I don't get any closer!
Stop!
Stop it!
Father!!

Closer than it seemed,
Yet further in my eyes;
Reflection upon reflection,
Effected and Effecting live, in real time.
One eye shut while the other is open.
Half truths from half-arsed perceptions,
They become lies, an artful deception.
Yet that does not stop the reality:
All things, two sides of the same coin.
All things separate, yet as twins were joined,
All things are all things,
Intertwined as one from the beginning.
Understand one, you understand the other.
I move my body and my body moves in the mirror,
Mirrors in mirrors upon mirrors
Reacting to each other.
So I flip the pages of this book,
Teaching me about my mind,
Teaching me to look with one eye,
A mirror covered,
And suddenly
What you seek becomes easier to find.

To ebb and to flow,
To whither and regrow,
To rise and to fall,
To forget and be reminded,
To sway,
To float on a wave,
To bounce,
To swing back and forth,
To go through cycles, winter to spring,
To know,
To touch,
To feel,
To see with inner eyes, inner ears, inner heart.
Inclined towards what is sought.
Understanding the language of God

Does he know
That I fantasize about him?
Can he see it in my cold eyes?
Can he sense it when I stiffen?
Does he know
That I look at his strong arms,
And can he tell
That I long to feel them around my waist?

If he just looked at me,
I'm afraid he'll know
That my heart is racing,
My breath is quickening,
And my mind is blank.
I act so stupid around him,
So different.
Does he go off and realise
That I embrace his thought,
That it's in my head,
And that I play with it
All the way to bed?

Out with the secrets,
The venom,
Out with it all.
Wear it all
In all its shades,
Out with it!
Even if you're scared!
Your concealment,
Your deception
Served you once,
Protected you once before,
It cannot protect you anymore!

So,
OUT WITH IT!
Spit it out!
Spell it out!
Say it like it is!
Be real, be honest!
Put it on your sleeve,
Your heart at the centre of your chest!
Tell them you can't hold!
You can't take it anymore!

This is me!
This is who I am,
This is what I want,
And what I deserve!
And you can see all my flaws,
And study my weaknesses!
I am not afraid of you!
You will see and behold
All there is to witness,
And you shall either yield
Or be expelled!

I shine bright and you don't notice.
There's always a miscommunication,
A misunderstanding
Between us.
Loving you has brought me nothing
But pain,
And it's caused me to distrust.
Three nights spent crying,
Wondering where you've been,
Wondering why you were so friendly with that woman.
I wonder
If I'm suffering for this because it's a sin?

I long for you,
I long for your approval.
I want you closer,
But loving you from this far
Has already caused me so much pain.
In fact, for loving you,
There's absolutely nothing to gain.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Dripping oil underneath my tongue.
Watch it repel the grey clouds.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I am bold, courageous, brave.
I can see the ripples of my actions and
I’m no longer scared, but curious again.
I am powerful, flexible, safe.
I am a life and I have influence,
And I can finally see what’s been taken.

This is who I was underneath the blindfold, the clouds.
Let the sun shine and let the light pierce my bones.
I can get what I want when I want it
Because the chains are undone
With a few drops
Underneath the tongue.

Must you count the creases on my forehead
For you to believe me?
Must you see my blood?
Must you see me crawling on my hands and knees
Towards your feet
Grovelling against stone and mud?

"See it to believe it,"
You hear it and still can't perceive it.
Must it be an object?
Must you be able to hold it? Feel it?
Must I give it to you so you can keep it?
Analyse it? Question it?
Will all that finally make you believe it?
Believe that this sorrow is real?
Believe in this pain I feel?
And what will happen then?
After you have seen me naked?
Will all that finally be enough
To pay for a hug,
To rent out a bit of your love?

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.

Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
Betrayal?
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
But
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.