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Apr 1 · 22
Cold Sweats
Sabika Apr 1
They ooze out of my pours like sweat,
Beads rolling down my neck.
The sun is blinding, her heat burns.
Have you forgotten me?
Rendered as ash into an urn...

Oh friend of flesh, bone and blood,
Have you forgotten the times we've had
Playing over gravel, into grime and mud?
Oh flesh of my bone,
Oh garment of mine,
Why would you limit me like this?
Your cold winds push me back,
Its intensity stops me in my track.
Are you afraid?
Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me.
Yet you make me pay the price.
Is this the value of my life?
And when I am abandoned
By friends of blood and soul,
They leave me with no other, but you,
The only friend of Spirit,
Or so I am told.

Are the winds capable of carrying my voice?
How will I feel your presence?
How can you fill a human void?
You are far greater,
And my limits come short.
It is a puzzle piece,
and while you are the table on which I rest,
You are not of the missing sort.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Perhaps my capacity is far larger
Than the perceived aspects of the things I lack.
And as I study the human mind,
I am reminded of all the people and things I need.
And I've concluded: all I need is people.
So how would God wish that I proceed?

Up the hill I go, through
Shrouds of obscure sorrows and transient joys.
Cold sweats,
Cold sweats,
Shed from me old skin and I pass
Old threats.
Is it a hill?
For I assumed an unobservable peak in expectation.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Something I've told myself?
But if there's only up
For as long as I'm alive,
How can there be eternal ease
Under everchanging skies?
Sabika Apr 1
You love me in this
Throne of flesh and bone glittering
and new, dripping with the honey dew
Of golden jewels.
Looking at my supple curves,
Soft, and it bounces with the slightest touch,
It groans, and rumbles, shaking in its folds,
Ripe in its prime.
The moment is now, this is the time!

The blood pumps under swollen flesh with vigor.
My taste is of sweet wine and I
Grimace at the thought of vinegar.
Entertain me with your touch, squeeze, and caress.
This throne craves to be exposed and undressed.
Look at my shiny seat before it's not too late.
Time will take its tole, age will make it old,
In a predictable fate.
I am immortal in this moment, capture me in this state!
Untamed and feral, under the influence of youth,
Too drunk to see the truth.
Mar 6 · 33
Desire Defined
Sabika Mar 6
Born into the garden of Eden as a pup with no teeth,
My pack sing to me the songs and stories and show
The different ways to be.
From their desires grows my shadow
Nurtured in fear and jealousy,
It covers the sun in an eclipse,
As its rays of darkness chain me
To the only path that was deemed worthy to exist.
In a fit I growl and hiss,
For the path leads to an apparition too tempting to miss.
Conviction to that desire turned to a longing,
A kind of suffering,
Leading myself blind
Down the hill, away from the pack,
I throw the strength I had gained,
Intoxicated by the lack.  
In a violent pursuit
Within the real and fantasy,
Desire defined me in its boundary.
Jan 25 · 49
Sabika Jan 25
Sing! Oh people of the world!
Sing for the pain that brought you closer,
For the pain that taught you about trust,
Resilience, courage, helpfulness, love,
For the pain that taught you about God,
About the nature of the sword.
Sing louder, oh people of the world!
And marvel at the pain,
So inhumane
It made you more human.
Cherish your cries,
Savor your tears,
Slay your fears!
And sing for a life lived in hours, days, and years!
Jan 18 · 48
Sabika Jan 18
How could I jeopardize
A moment of bliss,
A heart touched by your kiss,
A soul warmed in your hug?

How could I sabotage
This peaceful smile
A rewarding feeling that
All of my efforts were worthwhile?
Oh how stupid I was to have nearly
Let this all go
For something so flippant and transient.
There must be a sickness in the heart,
A disease in the mind,
But nevermind that
I feel healed in your love.
Jan 16 · 45
Sabika Jan 16
It's like the stillness of nature,
It is not calm,
Like the hesitation of a wolf
Who sees sheep led by a shepherd
In a distant farm.
Like the sound of a fly
That's too far away to ****.
You're hesitant, uncomfortable,
You prefer it this way but
It's still ******* your knees when
You're going downhill.
Jan 16 · 42
Back on Track
Sabika Jan 16
I can see the distant storm,
Its anger looming,
Its inevitability grooming me.

The sky is wide,
It makes no sense to run from its shadow.
It moves like the sea
and I float in its current.

I was moving forward but now
I must fall back.
I have no choice but I'll always
Come back on track.
Jan 16 · 38
His Bounty
Sabika Jan 16
"You are asking God to give you from his bounty,
And I ask, what makes you worthy?"
God's pool is pure,
And my hands are tainted.
What I ask for is for
The hand of one of your beloved.
Yet, will your servant want someone like me?

To be worthy of your bounty
And a man so great, surely
I must be tested?
I cannot expect the best when
The best does not deserve that which is
Far lesser than perfect.

I ask for a human,
Not a thing.
I ask for a man
Worthy to be a king.
I ask for a love so sweet,
For a mercy so complete,
But perhaps I must come equal to such a treat.

I thought I've come close,
But it's not enough.
I've learned that there is no love without knowledge
And no knowledge without love.
So now that this is acknowledged,
Perhaps loneliness wouldn't seem so tough.
I can see you want what is best for me,
And the best requires to rise up and above.

I am hopeful,
And I'll pray, everyday.
You promised I come in a pair,
You assure me that you are fair,
And when the time comes to receive that gift,
I must be ready and worthy of being there.
Jan 9 · 49
The Darkness of Sleep
Sabika Jan 9
In every moment, in every place,
I must be strong;
Especially in the night
When the darkness blankets my eyes
And casts its shadow over my heart.

It's okay to be upset,
But the darkness speaks,
And I listen intently,
But I must not believe everything it says.

It looks into me and and sees
My past, my history,
It says treacherous things
About the people around me.

I recognise it now,
Now that I fight to be worthy of your love,
My Lord.
I see it now,
And how it can cause me to sting and sink
My venom into the people I love.
And when I wake it becomes clear,
What a horrible person I was.
Dec 2023 · 49
Attempt at Courage
Sabika Dec 2023
I denied myself your garden of Eden,
The heaven that you promised me.
I denied it even though I was deeply swayed by its beauty.
I reject your love knowing that you loved me.
I reject my love for you too, baby.
I reject it all, though it has been hard for me,
Because I can't have any of it without the Almighty.

So God, please accept my attempt at courage,
And if this was a test, make it so that I've passed.
For the things I've done,
I do not ask for a reward, but,
May I request for your love to replace
The pains of the past?
Dec 2023 · 81
Sabika Dec 2023
I remember the ways in which your body told me that you want me:
Pulling me so close so that our chests were inches away,
Your strong arms firm around my waist
Taking my breath away.
"Come here" you'd rasp, and I'd obey.
Grabbed my ******* and ****** the tip,
Picked me up and threw me on the bed,
Kissed my hand to my arm any chance you'd get.
****** and bit my neck,
Liked the way I tasted...
Yet all our efforts to hold onto each other,
Dec 2023 · 65
I Need You
Sabika Dec 2023
I don't know if it's true,
But I think I may have a temperature.
Doctor, what is your prognosis?
How do I heal this sickness?
My chest is burning,
Like an iron is pressed against it.
Well of course these are tears!
I guess I'm threatened by the silence...
I feel ill and feeble,
My only cure is to be with people!
Loneliness is evil,
I need you by my side.
Dec 2023 · 53
I Hope
Sabika Dec 2023
Baby if our lips cannot,
I hope our hearts can still kiss each other
As we remember.
If our hands cannot,
I hope our minds touch
When we recall our love.
Nov 2023 · 45
I Release You
Sabika Nov 2023
I embraced you for dear life
In my *****, where you comfortably reside,
To our detriment, our weights combined,
So in fear of violating the rights of mankind,
I release you, my love,
Though you may weigh heavy on my mind...
Nov 2023 · 43
What Have We Done?
Sabika Nov 2023
You look down on me from your high tower.
To me, you're full of beauty, strength and wonder.
I cannot count on the words you utter
To tell me the truth that lies in your heart;
Instead, I'll read your eyes as a start,
Then I'll study your expressions,
Look into the patterns of your mannerisms, your tone,
Study how you're different in private, with friends or over the phone.
I'll let you seep into my heart and mind,
Let you change me, I'll leave the me from the past behind.

All for what, I ask?
If it's a sin to love you...
Then why can't I let go?

Do I **** out the life from you
Like a leach?
Were you more excited about your future before meeting me?
Do I remind you of despair and insecurity?
Do I bring forth the future's unpredictability?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!

Never thought about how all this could hurt you,
My Romeo...
The poison we'll take is heartache.
But which of us will have the courage to break this curse?
Which of us will drink from this cup first?
"Drink poison now, or live longer in thirst."

As I edge this vessel to my lips,
I remember the nights we spent together
Gazing into the lights in our eyes.
I remember you singing from the heart
As you held me tight, Oh Romeo...
Oh the things we'd whisper,
Oh the games we'd play.
And my favorite part was when
You would read my soul as if it was on display.

Yes, my Romeo...
I did warn you, didn't I,
That the lights that burn brightest, burn fastest.
And how bright did we burn for each other?
Oh how much did we yearn for one another?
But I still find myself yearning,
Dreaming of the possibility
That you'd see life the way I do.
But that isn't fair on you,
Neither of us will change.
"So the quicker we drink the poison,
The easier we'll be unchained."
May 2023 · 114
I Run
Sabika May 2023
Out of fear and into courage I run,
Between hope and despair I continue,
Passed humiliation and betrayal I go
And with every cry and whisper I know
That the goal is reached when you try,
And that I must not stop running 'til I die.

There are no friends in this life, I know.
There are only responsibilities and opportunities to grow.
So lives run with and depart from me.
I run fast through the valleys,
And slow from under the sea.
And around me I see sometimes,
As I get distracted by other's songs and rhymes,
I see their smiles and laughter,
And in that I remember my own tears and anger,
And I'm overcome by a rage and hunger,
And suddenly I want to run no longer.

But in the dark, yet in midday,
I hear you calling me to continue your way,
Be it with a smile or with tears,
With rage or with grief all through the years,
"The best is with Me, had you known.
"Despite all adversity, look how much you've grown!"
And to love
I answer,
And to you,
I run faster!
May 2023 · 90
Wilfully Optimistic
Sabika May 2023
As I sit on this bench
And the chilly breeze raises my skin,
The birds sing their beautiful songs,
And the leaves dance in the golden light;
The clouds sway and move,
They are thick and rich in colour,
And I cannot help but wonder -
How long before this moment lasts?

Home is infested with vermin
And no tool will help me clean it.
I pray in my room, and listen to sermons,
And I’m anxious over my future
For I cannot see it.
I cannot help it, I am afraid,
But I’ll wilfully enjoy this calm.
I’ll hold my hand as it shakes,
And I’ll wipe a cloth over my sweaty palms.
For what choice do I have
Other than to stop and wait?
I cannot agonise over that which
Is out of my control,
So I’ll work with fate,
And no matter what happens
God remains great.
Apr 2023 · 108
Judgement Day
Sabika Apr 2023
Judgement day is not near,
It’s here.
Ears whisper to me the things I’ve said.
Hands show me what I’ve done.
Feet take me back to where I’ve been,
Heart sings the songs I’ve sung.
Judgement day is here.
The future is happening.
The first seed is always infinite,
And the past is always taking place
Judgement day is here
And actions and intentions are
Never erased.
If you make a mistake you better do
Something else that can take its place.
Judgement day is here and
You verse yourself in the race.
Apr 2023 · 126
The Silence
Sabika Apr 2023
The silence
Embraced me with its gentleness
And caressed me with a form of peace
Lying below, or above,
Somewhere in a deeper dimension.
As I’ve been constantly at war with
My limits,
I saw how she struggled to connect,
Interpreted stillness and quiet as a threat
To her image: the girl she learned she had to be
Just so that she could make sense to other people…
To me.
I can’t believe you speak to me in this way.
But I’m only repeating to myself
The early words I learned as a cub,
“No, you must not speak, no one wants to hear, you have nothing to declare, you’ve been foolish, you must be embarrassed every time, how dare you come out of your shell!”
Never got to learn
Who I was beneath the clouds,
Beneath the fog and the illusions.
All I’m doing is trying my hardest
To avoid humiliation,
Trying my best to be liked by you.
Apr 2023 · 160
The Gift of Loving You
Sabika Apr 2023
Let me cherish this.
This pure love I have for you.
Not for what you look like,
Or for what you can do,
But purely for the person that you are.
Let me cherish this sweet innocence.
Let me rely on the remembrance of your smile,
Or the times when you’d speak to me,
To fill me with glee.
Let me hold on to the peace I felt
When remembering the fact that I’d be around you
Would calm the storm of my turbulent mind
Even for a short time.
Loving you isn’t painful,
It’s natural and comes easy.
It has been a blessing bestowed onto me.
I feel like I know you beyond words,
I feel like you know me.
It is tragic though, when I know that I can’t have you, it’s true,
But to have had the honour,
The pleasure of knowing you,
Even for a short time,
I am grateful beyond what words can describe.
Feb 2023 · 114
Pathetic Kinship
Sabika Feb 2023
Why do I think that
I’m exempt from certain fates?
Why do I think
That I’m different from others
And separate from their struggles?
Maybe because you were here with me
And we faced the world together
And we made a home
With hard solid foundations.
But with a huff and a puff
Satan shook the skeleton
The very structure
The very innards
And I felt the shiver
And the dread that
Perhaps nothing,
And I mean
Absolutely nothing lasts forever.

So it is in moments like these
That I feel a pathetic kinship
To the most desolate
And The most desperate of man.
Oh how small I am.
Jan 2023 · 92
The Submitted Lover
Sabika Jan 2023
Oh, I can't help but feel warm inside
When I think about
All there is to love,
All there is to fear,
All there is to see,
And all there is to hear.
I feel soft and gentle,
And I watch the waves of life
Flowing through me, around me,
And passing me by
With all there is to hate,
All there is to feel,
And all the scars that are left to heal.
And I love it! I'm alive! I'm living!
I can thrive! I'm floating! I'm swimming!
Oh I love it! I love it!
I'm alive, I'm living!
Oh why, I can't help it,
I'm dancing! I'm singing
With a smile and with tears;
The entirety of life's weight on my heart,
And I just fall so much deeper in love.

To be tied, to be linked;
Oh it feels so euphoric to be so connected,
So in sync.
And I would hate for this to go away,
For my swollen heart to shrink.
This playful love that I have
For a life filled with pain and grief,
For a life so preciously brief,
Oh God, please don't take this away from me.
I feel deeply blessed and gifted
When I truly don't mind how life gets,
No matter how joyful and lighthearted,
No matter how dark and twisted.
Jan 2023 · 90
She Forgets
Sabika Jan 2023
She wakes up and forgets what it means to be human.
Your expressions, your mannerisms, your tone,
None of them evoke truth,
Or what is really going on.
There's always something more,
Something far far beyond.
So when you are plain and clear to her,
She doesn't trust it.
It's best if you write it with a felt-tip.
If she doesn't have another sounding board to bounce off of,
How does she know what reality is?
She cannot tell who is genuine or who is a fraud.
She wakes up and says she forgot.
So she would rather sit in her corner
And observe how we interact.
She'll memories what works
To make up for what she lacks.
Jan 2023 · 94
I Wish
Sabika Jan 2023
I wish you were a bit more daring.
I wish you would come and tell me how you feel instead of staring.
I wish you were bold enough to touch me.
You used to come close and smell me.
I wish you would have taken me home that night.
I wish you'd laid me down and kissed me
So that I could've felt alright.
Jan 2023 · 82
My Confusion
Sabika Jan 2023
To depict my utter confusion
Let me speak clearly.
I don't know anymore
What is wrong and what is right.
Perhaps I've never known
Exactly what separates daylight from the night.
And when I look into it
There are so many perspectives,
And time is spent on each
And each is compelling.
I've learned through experience
That to an extent, everything is true,
And I've learned that
No one is a villain of their own story
But they are all a victim of life's tragedy,
And I don't know what I know anymore when
I have empathy.
And I've been so deluded and mislead;
Made my own superstitions from my head,
And gave a character to life that was unfair,
So what am I really doing here?
Dec 2022 · 63
To Her
Sabika Dec 2022
Here's to the girl who lied constantly.
To the girl who thought she knew reality.
She was onto something, definitely,
But this is the girl who reveled in stupidity;
To the girl who nearly sold her soul.
To the girl who was taken as a fool.
To the girl who was there for her friends,
Through thick and thin,
And didn't get the same back from them.
To the girl who knew everything about them,
Yet she was still the stranger.
To the girl who actively put herself in danger.
To the girl who became popular and was still lonely,
To the girl who never got to know me-

I'm here now.
You can stop crying.
I appreciate how hard you were trying.
Dec 2022 · 57
Who Am I?
Sabika Dec 2022
I don't just listen,
I accept it as reality.
As I swim through past oceans,
The oceans swim through me.
Why do I reminisce over a memory
That does not remember me?
Why do I long for a moment
That was fundamentally hostile?
There's always something to learn
From an undiscovered experience.
And my chest shakes and I am scared to see
What it was like to live back then;
Constantly calling to me in whatever language I speak in,
Constantly calling me to let the devil back in.
And I've grown confused as I've wandered in the grey,
As the darkness claims much of the light for itself:
Flawed memories portraying a false sense of self
Getting in my way.

So who am I
In this wretched kingdom,
where you must sacrifice your soul to live in?
Who am I amongst a people
With hedonistic intentions and self-centered ambitions
Searching for love and belonging in propagandas?
Who am I
Amongst a community broken
Within a religious doctrine
Bastardised by hypocrite preachers
Assuming hell has frozen?
Who am I
Amongst my satanic desires,
Within my willful ignorance
And sinful longing?

Perhaps I'm being too harsh,
Too hopeless.
There's a light,
An innocence within me.
Above all
A desire for pure peace and harmony,
A magnetic pull to beauty,
A child-like curiosity,
A rebellious strength against established hierarchy.
You need to prove your worthiness for my loyalty.
And God has loved me,
And has gifted me,
And has taught me
All things good.
And I have to keep a balanced view of all things
If I could.
Nov 2022 · 56
He Raped My Future!!
Sabika Nov 2022
Her skin glistens like honey,
Her scent pulls me like gravity,
Her curves incite potential.
She is hazy,
Like a ghost, or an apparition.
When I move forward, I don't get any closer.
She is my envisioned future.
And you grab her, father,
You pin her down and you **** her, father,
Repeatedly, you hurt her, father!
She turns bleak,
Her screams make me run!
And I run! But I don't get any closer!
Her tears stream and stretch towards me in rivers,
Her hand, outstretched, quivers,
But I run and I run
And I don't get any closer!
Stop it!
Oct 2022 · 62
All Things
Sabika Oct 2022
Closer than it seemed,
Yet further in my eyes;
Reflection upon reflection,
Effected and Effecting live, in real time.
One eye shut while the other is open.
Half truths from half-arsed perceptions,
They become lies, an artful deception.
Yet that does not stop the reality:
All things, two sides of the same coin.
All things separate, yet as twins were joined,
All things are all things,
Intertwined as one from the beginning.
Understand one, you understand the other.
I move my body and my body moves in the mirror,
Mirrors in mirrors upon mirrors
Reacting to each other.
So I flip the pages of this book,
Teaching me about my mind,
Teaching me to look with one eye,
A mirror covered,
And suddenly
What you seek becomes easier to find.
Oct 2022 · 64
To Live
Sabika Oct 2022
To ebb and to flow,
To whither and regrow,
To rise and to fall,
To forget and be reminded,
To sway,
To float on a wave,
To bounce,
To swing back and forth,
To go through cycles, winter to spring,
To know,
To touch,
To feel,
To see with inner eyes, inner ears, inner heart.
Inclined towards what is sought.
Understanding the language of God
Oct 2022 · 66
I Feel Beautiful
Sabika Oct 2022
Tears are welling up.
A bit of sad, a bit of joy,
A bit of pain, a bit of peace,
A bit restless, a bit of ease.
I feel beautiful, I feel free!
I feel like I can dance with the swinging trees,
Like I can sing with the whistling wind;
While my heart is a little heavy, a little light,
A little dark and a little bright,
I feel beautiful when I can feel the balance,
I'm a delicate thing in their presence,
And I see a beautiful dystopia lurking.
What can I do but shed tears
For a prophecy unfolding?
Oct 2022 · 64
To Bed
Sabika Oct 2022
Does he know
That I fantasize about him?
Can he see it in my cold eyes?
Can he sense it when I stiffen?
Does he know
That I look at his strong arms,
And can he tell
That I long to feel them around my waist?

If he just looked at me,
I'm afraid he'll know
That my heart is racing,
My breath is quickening,
And my mind is blank.
I act so stupid around him,
So different.
Does he go off and realise
That I embrace his thought,
That it's in my head,
And that I play with it
All the way to bed?
Oct 2022 · 55
Sabika Oct 2022
Out with the secrets,
The venom,
Out with it all.
Wear it all
In all its shades,
Out with it!
Even if you're scared!
Your concealment,
Your deception
Served you once,
Protected you once before,
It cannot protect you anymore!

Spit it out!
Spell it out!
Say it like it is!
Be real, be honest!
Put it on your sleeve,
Your heart at the centre of your chest!
Tell them you can't hold!
You can't take it anymore!

This is me!
This is who I am,
This is what I want,
And what I deserve!
And you can see all my flaws,
And study my weaknesses!
I am not afraid of you!
You will see and behold
All there is to witness,
And you shall either yield
Or be expelled!
Sep 2022 · 57
A New Era
Sabika Sep 2022
I've been trained for this moment.
A moment to let go.
The seasons are changing,
And I've been changed by the things I now know.
A new era is coming,
A new dawn,
A new horizon.
As I sing an ode for a lesser past,
I revel in the soil I was seeded in.

So I let go of all that I loved,
And all the pain it came with.
I tell them to grow without me, as I grow without them,
And let's tell the stories of the places we've been.
So let's welcome this new era.
You cannot force my stay.
The time has come for me to move on,
And go somewhere far far away.
Sep 2022 · 59
Loving You is Pain
Sabika Sep 2022
I shine bright and you don't notice.
There's always a miscommunication,
A misunderstanding
Between us.
Loving you has brought me nothing
But pain,
And it's caused me to distrust.
Three nights spent crying,
Wondering where you've been,
Wondering why you were so friendly with that woman.
I wonder
If I'm suffering for this because it's a sin?

I long for you,
I long for your approval.
I want you closer,
But loving you from this far
Has already caused me so much pain.
In fact, for loving you,
There's absolutely nothing to gain.
Aug 2022 · 52
Back From the Dead
Sabika Aug 2022
I poured out too much,
Disregarded a filter
Or a second thought.
I was not human,
I was a shadow
Under the spell of the past,
Remembering why certain friends and enemies last.

I was diabolical.
Forgot the person I was.
I was weak to the temptations
As my heart and mind raced
Under the adrenaline rush.
So many faces, and all these thoughts.
I began to float again, high up above.
And so, without being able to hear my own cries,
I hurt myself
With the things I said,
I hurt myself
With the things I did,
I hurt myself
When I bring the old me back from the dead.
Jun 2022 · 43
The Heart
Sabika Jun 2022
Right here,
In my centre
lies my core.
In it there's an ocean,
There's light and
There's wind.
In it, there's a baby,
Above it there's nothing but space and whispers.
Below it there's nothing but earth.
But here...
Right here,
Lies my precious core.

Its gravity pulls all those around.
Its gravity compels me,
To it I am bound.
So it is here
I feel, I hurt,
And I heal.
So it is here that I bleed, that I bloom,
In daylight, and in gloom.
So it is here
Where my soul resides and dwells.
This little planet shrinks and swells.
It encompasses me, it has the power to cast spells.
It overwhelms me, this body is just its shell.
So well?
I live, by and by,
And try my best to filter its voices;
This core is powerful because it's sensitive
To what's seen, unseen, felt, and unfelt,
To presence and absences.
It can be most truthful,
Most delusional,
But it is my core,
Seated at the centre of the chest.
But not in the flesh.
Jun 2022 · 59
Sabika Jun 2022
The waves sing a siren's song,
The song is a sweet melody,
It is about safety,
About rest,
About the tendency to forget
One's aches and pains.
So the sailor,
Routinely bewitched and overcome,
Sinks into the folds of an ocean-wide kingdom.
The waters blanket him.
It's hard to resist.
When he gasps and glances at awaken reality,
Gravity pulls him back gently.
He doesn't realise the passage of time.
He's longed for these moments
When the ocean is merciful enough to help him forget himself.
But he can't stay for long
Flirting with death.
Once the sun rises
And its rays point towards his closed eyelids,
The tide shrinks as if through a drain,
And the singers disperse,
Awaiting the next moonrise.
May 2022 · 41
Sabika May 2022
To cope I am suspended,
Somewhere between reflection and avoidance,
Floating somewhere in bewildered aloofness,
Between the extremes of exaggerated truths,
Absolved from responsibility
And yet crippled by guilt and shame.

I take my medication and to cope
I am suspended, mid fall.
Unsure whether I should punish myself
For doing what I thought would fulfil me,
Or stroke my ego,
Lift myself up above negative consequences
And outlooks, and believe that I am
Absolved from all sins.
There’s always a good excuse
For falling, for flying.
I’m suspended, numb.
It’s become the rumbling beneath my feet,
The stabbing pain in my heart,
The habit to forget,
The suspense of suspension.

When will I crash, when will I soar?
What are all these thoughts for?
I don’t have the answers,
I’m scared if it’ll hurt to find them.
So if remain
Suspended in mid air,
There is no risk
Will I be fine then?
May 2022 · 47
Underneath The Tongue
Sabika May 2022
Breathe in, breathe out.
Dripping oil underneath my tongue.
Watch it repel the grey clouds.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I am bold, courageous, brave.
I can see the ripples of my actions and
I’m no longer scared, but curious again.
I am powerful, flexible, safe.
I am a life and I have influence,
And I can finally see what’s been taken.

This is who I was underneath the blindfold, the clouds.
Let the sun shine and let the light pierce my bones.
I can get what I want when I want it
Because the chains are undone
With a few drops
Underneath the tongue.
May 2022 · 48
Let Her
Sabika May 2022
Have you ever
Felt a woman’s touch?
Tasted a woman’s love?
Heard her lust in her warm, soft, voice?
Have you ever traced her curves
With your fingertips,
Caressed the edges of her hips and *******,
Pinched the tip of her *******
And suckled on her sensitive skin?

Young man,
Have you ever been tainted by her stain?
Intoxicated by her breath?
Let her come to you.
Get to know her signature.
Let her love settle like snow hugs the branches in winter.
Let it sink and burn like acid on a corpse.
Hear her skin pulsing with your tongue
And drink from her fountain.
Let her come to you.
Let her words declare your rebirth.
Young man, do not shy away.
Purpose is embedded within her body and soul,
So do not run.
Let her come to you.
Apr 2022 · 52
See It to Believe It
Sabika Apr 2022
Must you count the creases on my forehead
For you to believe me?
Must you see my blood?
Must you see me crawling on my hands and knees
Towards your feet
Grovelling against stone and mud?

"See it to believe it,"
You hear it and still can't perceive it.
Must it be an object?
Must you be able to hold it? Feel it?
Must I give it to you so you can keep it?
Analyse it? Question it?
Will all that finally make you believe it?
Believe that this sorrow is real?
Believe in this pain I feel?
And what will happen then?
After you have seen me naked?
Will all that finally be enough
To pay for a hug,
To rent out a bit of your love?
Apr 2022 · 54
A Little Bit
Sabika Apr 2022
All I ask for
Is a little bit of your love,
A little bit of your sacrifice.
Your words alone don’t satisfy.
Give me a little bit of your skin,
Wrap around me and tell me it will be alright.
I want to feel your heartbeat,
And let it calm mine.
Give me a little bit of your love,
A fraction of your time.
Show me how much I mean to you
If there’s any worth to this life of mine.

I don’t want to feel like a burden,
Like a waste of your space.
I shouldn’t be an afterthought,
Or your personal project,
Proof for yourself that you can fix the ‘broken’.
If it’s not natural I don’t want it.
If it’s not sincere you can keep it.
If you don’t love me in that way,
Don’t pretend.
I’m fragile, I’m sensitive,
I just want this pain to end.

So give me a little bit of your attention,
Your concern,
A little bit of your curiosity.
It shames me to ask,
So just give it freely.
Show me that you’ve designated
Space for me in your mind,
That I have an effect on your heart.
Show me that you’re sorry for the way I feel,
But even in this state you find me in,
You don’t want us apart.

All I am asking for
Is a little bit of your friendship,
A little bit of your generosity, your mercy.
Don’t use this as proof that you’re a kind person,
Use this as proof that you love me
Even if it’s inconvenient,
Because I will do all this for you and more.
You are a life that I adore,
And I will honour you accordingly.
So give me a little bit of something
You have reserved just for me.
Mar 2022 · 1.0k
Sabika Mar 2022
Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.
Mar 2022 · 974
A Cloudy Sky
Sabika Mar 2022
A cloudy sky is a terrifying one.

See it’s subtle ripples
Through the brisk autumn wind.
See how close they come to suffocate,
As they trap the light within.
Ebb and flow,
They shrink and grow,
Patched, attached, detached,
A cloudy sky is terrifying.

See the colours dull.
Everything washed over with a grey hue.
Don’t get me wrong,
I still find it beautiful.

Heads are lowered and humbled.
Travellers move faster with direction.
Chats are shortened.
Thinking “get out of the way of a rainy day.”
Like a cloudy sky is an affliction,
Strengthening the addiction to the sun.
A cloudy sky is a terrifying one.
Mar 2022 · 45
Epitome of Man
Sabika Mar 2022
Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.
Mar 2022 · 1.0k
Sabika Mar 2022
Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.
Mar 2022 · 182
Do You Still Not Know Me
Sabika Mar 2022
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.
Feb 2022 · 561
God's Watching
Sabika Feb 2022
Rusted green,
Blood drops gleam
Drip by drip.

My lust is important.

Why wait?

God is watching.
Staring down.
Never blinking.
Hearing every sound.

So close your eyes and
Take a deep breath.
It all disappears when you're deep
In darkness.
So fall a little deeper,
Sink a little faster,
It shouldn't take long
And how much harm can a few minutes do?

Eyes are sunken.
Eyes are soar.
So agitate and play a little more
Until I am satisfied.
Is it ever enough?
Let's make it darker,
Make it more rough.
These are the good stuff.

Wait! Wait!
God is watching,
Staring down!
I can't hide under the covers when
Everything is see-through.
But how much harm can a few minutes do?

Oh isn't he sweet? Isn't he lovely?
Never wants anything to harm me.
Let me just break a small promise,
I swear I'm a little sorry.
What is God willing to do
For these minutes I choose to spend?
As long as blood remains under the skin,
Shouldn't it be okay in the end?
Jan 2022 · 572
Sabika Jan 2022
This is the same darkness I've felt on a bad trip,
The same loneliness I've felt in the past.
No, I still cannot speak
And the darkness creeps in at last.
I wondered where it went,
If it was ever gone,
If it was ever done with me.
The joy and the beauty I've felt was a nice break;
Those closest to me are traitors,
Those closest suffer
And endure alone,
And may be crying while I'm not there.
I'm protected by those I do not like,
And I'm not sure how much kindness I have left to show.
I'm reminded that I live for no one but for God
To whom my life I owe.

There's darkness in me,
In the air,
In you,
And my Lord of the heavens and the seas,
Your light is all I can see.
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