we're not friends
no we're not friends
i'm just the means
to your ends
i see your friends
i don't like them
don't complain then
run right back to them
stop saying we're friends
are you ******* dense
i put up with you
and got hurt again and again

**** any promises i made
you didn't keep yours
hope those walls were worth it
not holding open anymore doors

what i can give you
is determined by what you give me
wanna bare it all
but i dont trust naturally
i could show you things
but first i need to see
why i should trust you
when i don't trust anybody

i know intentions rarely matter
after all is said and done
but i feel like if i could just explain myself
and you hear me out just this once
i promise i wouldn't hurt you again
because that was never what i meant to do
you should be embarrassed for me
yet you think i'm embarrassed of you
i put myself out there and it didn't work out
life goes on another day
you shouldn't feel ashamed
for things i chose to say
and the people i chose to say them to
it was never supposed to be an attack
i just overshared in the moment
and now it's made its way back
i hope you won't hate me
but i'd understand why if you did
there's no excuses and i don't wanna make this worse
when i bet you already think i am a *****

i know i'm supposed
to be okay
i drew the lines
i walked away
but for the record
i don't feel like i won
i'm not celebrating
or having much fun
we were a team
now you're just blocked
couldn't stand to see
you become someone your not
years from now
maybe we'll meet again
but tonight i'll just remember
what it was like to be your friend

there never was an expectation
just a hope that you might care
i didn't demand salvation
there were no handcuffs on your chair
cause you have to sit with your actions anyways
i don't need control over anyone else
i just wanted to feel safe
i wasn't even seeking help

now there's ugly words
and blocked aggression
spit on the bridge
i received the message
even in the eleventh hour
i move with discretion
something you wouldn't understand
i burn in convalescence

room of walls made
to sit and wait

going a little stir crazy
seems to grow smaller daily

inch by inch it recedes
the walls are closing in on me

it's not okay but what can i do
destined to be stuck in this room

everything i couldn't be
things i shouldn'tve done
disappointment swells in your eyes
as you hiss at what i've become
sorry for who i ended up being
for not being enough to make you love me
the guilt has eaten through my anger
away is where i'll keep running

why do i have to be me
why did i have to be born
why did everything have to happen like this

why am i here
why is everything so hard
why did i ever have to exist

why why why
why can't i
be happy with life as it is

why am i stuck
why am i trapped
why must i lose my wits

why does it hurt so much
why can't i breathe
why should i continue to live

why do i ask why
why don't i understand
why can't any of my problems be fixed

why am i broken
why be so careful
why not let my bones snap like sticks

why does it look so nice from up here
why did i wait so long
why is it-

don't want to be alone
but i let you go
answer your phone
i already know
one of your friends
needs you again
i need you too
but i can't cage you in
jealousy is ugly
want you to get nice feelings from me
biting my tongue
pretending ***** lovely
but its not
wound up in thoughts
i don't wanna speak
so i'm constantly off
but i like you a lot
and i dont want you to stop
i want your voice in my ear
but you're already gone

can i be the water
dripping on your skin
air dry in the sun
then let it pour again
soaking but refreshed
love the way its collects
on your eyelashes and
the curves of your neck

spilling over
the lip of the tub
you want to disappear
but offer a hug
you don't want to be this close
but you feel bad for what you've done
the blood is getting on your sweater
and you're starting to choke up

you don't wanna be here
but feel the need to fix me
wanna be with her
trying not to gag when you kiss me
i'm a dark part of your past
so you can't forget me
beyond moved on
but feel anchored in my misery

a connoisseur
with impeccable taste
not one to indulge
yet i licked the plate
you're made with something special
that i can not resist
how am i suppose to live
now that i've felt like this

not good enough
for me
or for you
don't say
i'm being silly
you know its true

cause if she's a five
what am i
close my eyes
try not to cry

because i don't
think this is what
you're trying to do
when i don't wanna
be myself
you'll be confused

but you don't get it
so just forget it
already did it
too late to fix it

cause the things
you say manage
to hurt
when i'm in
front of the mirror
i hear the words

they never leave me be
feed my insecurities
i hate having to be me
sorry for what you have to see

i live everyday
feeling you're much more
than i deserve
but i feel like
out of your choices
i'm nowhere near first

lock eyes
with a girl
she's beautiful
she seems fragile
but there's a light that shrouds her
this strength that radiates
she could cry
and flowers would bloom from the tears
she could scream
and it'd be music to the ears
oh
it seems
she's me

hope you feel like i'm ignoring you
because you're being ignored
it's the next best thing
when you're afraid to ask for more
either you'll fade away
and we'll be no more
or you'll reach out for me
and i won't feel as needy as before
is wrong to have these feelings
should i be concerned
should i hide them or away
or let them be heard
my suspicions have yet
to be confirmed
but something just tells me
you're not too concerned

pushing on
moving along
till you hear that song

at first you're fine
say your alright
but know you wanna cry

and that's okay
just afraid
to show others that pain

one day when you regret your choice and look back at how things were
the day that i'm actually moved on and shining without a care in the world
don't reach out and say you miss me and you shouldn'tve chosen that girl
over our friendship because i knew that from the second you turned
i knew the second you tasted her lips you were gonna burn
you did everything and anything to give the world to her
up to even lying to me and leaving me crying on a curb
i was broken without you and i was lonely and hurt
you were the one person i thought truly deserved
the trust i put in them though i've obviously learned
history means nothing when it comes to making it work
whoever gets you off will always have the last word
so no i would not like to pick things up or reminisce on how they were
it was good while it lasted but you left on bad terms
i have no need to reconnect or wait to reobserve
the same toxic behavior that led this to occur

it's alternative
it's similar
but not something i've ever had

so familiar
yet foreign
what a peculiar kind of sad

i thought
it'd get easier
as time continued to pass

but it hasn't
i've realized
each hurt is different from the last

nothing i want to say
every person in my brain
so so so much pain
just too much at stake
to walk away

the thoughts i've had
what i can't take back

i just wish i could hold you again
i'm sorry i wasn't a good friend
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry once again
i'm sorry i made you scared to let me in

sunlight through a window
how could've i known
i blame myself even though
i couldn't prevent it even so
i'm scared for you to be alone

finally acknowledging it hurts
just to dismiss it by saying it could be worse

if i only i could try it again
find some way to magically convince
there are people who care what state your in
haunted by what i couldn't prevent

horrific manifestations
stuff i never want to come true
pushing myself through the monotony
never losing track of you
i'm just so far that i know
it's easy to forget how much i care
i'm worried about the things you might do
when i'm unable to be there
imagined getting the call right then
and when my phone rang i began to cry
it was just another telemarketer
but it was too real in that moment in time
imagining a world without you
broken as it is
your absence so unfillable
no way to make amends
i don't wanna have any regrets
and you're right when you say i'm wasting time
i know if i lost you today
i'd wish i'd have taken fifty flights
just to see you once
but i'm trying to not let the intrusive thoughts win
even though i can feel you fading away
a horrid paranoia sets in
please don't do this to me
i knows its not about me but i'm just afraid
i already lost him i don't wanna lose you
on the last leg of my faith

what am i being punished for
i couldn't care any more
completely consumed yet still unsure
i'm still sorry about before

i just dont want you to see me
as small weak hurt and broken thing
i want to make you feel all good things
not be the saddest thing you've ever seen

i wanna feel like sunshine after a rainy day
the furthest possible thing from pain
melt every little worry away
i wanna make everything okay

but i'm damaged goods i hate to say
i do more bad than good and i break
down at every obstacle in my way
i'm just so tired of having to push through barricades

and i hate that all of my inner mess
can have negative effects
on you cause you deserve the best
i bet you wish we never met

sad to lose you
but so great to be free
your need for validation
is not my responsibility

my patience was the glue
that kept us together
we revert to strangers
without my efforts

just don't reach out
when you bored or need advice
made a few mistakes
won't make the same ones twice

i remember why i left
now that i'm stuck
try my very best
to not show as much
used to think
it was all sunshine
but now i've seen
and felt actual light

tangled thoughts
and twisted sheets
muggy nights
and empty streets
running around
like juveniles
we know better
but we stay for a while
and have our stolen kisses
in the dead of night
using up our
borrowed time
we know it'll be short
so we try to keep it sweet
we let ourselves get lost
in the heat of things
why slow down
when the end is so close
only the stars and the streetlights
have to know
friends for a lifetime
lovers for a season
let's have a little fun
before it finally sinks in

thought you would be different
thats my bad
let lust **** with my decisions
also my bad
with all the issues hidden
i never looked back
trusted my intuition
and my "better half"
currently lonely and bedridden
sickened by your laugh

a couple months go by
i trust myself again
say that its alright
to just be friends
ignore every reason why
i regret letting you in
in the first place but i
don't wanna sink under again
i apologize
for letting it get under my skin
your toothy smile
morphs into a knowing grin

communication slips
find ourselves in a familiar place
i know your little tricks
yet trust a familiar face
you wanna make the trip
i guess that thats okay
doing more than you ever did
and i guess that should feel great
but you lean in for a kiss
breaking every rule i had in place
try to pretend i don't feel sick
till i can finally get away

wanna cry
but physically can't
when i feel so overwhelmed
can you hold my hand
know its not your responsibility
but you seem to understand
everything feels so wrong
but at least you see who i am

not the emotions that override my ability to be functional

"things don't have to change"
"things can't stay the same"
wonder what is going on
inside of your brain
got me feeling i'm insane
now that i asked for a break
you can leave at your whim
but i'm expected to wait
i'm supposed to stay
i'm to willingly stand by
while you make your mistakes
while you work through your pain

i hope wherever you are sleeping tonight
that you are turning in the sheets
regretting the things
you did to me
i hope you hate yourself
for making me cry
i'd love nothing more than
for you to be tortured by your own lies
but in reality
you're probably as comfy as can be
somewhere in a fantasy
with not even a distant thought of me
you probably don't even know
how much damage you caused
ironically it keeps me up at night
what a ******* paradox