drawing parallels
to my dismay
finding myself uncomfortable
with the way
things seem to like
lining themselves up
this situation is
convoluted as ****
i'm scared to look beyond
the boundaries i voiced
knowing all of the revelations
that are bound to disappoint
you're different when i'm not around
that's no suprise
just really wanted to believe
you weren't that type of guy

if you wanted a reaction
you're a couple years too late
it'll take more than some harsh words
for me to curl up in pain
i don't need to lash out at you
to feel better or spit in your face
one day **** will come back to bite you
without me putting you in your place

it is just a little tense
and by a little i mean a lot
everything is A-OK
and by is i mean it is not
everything could be worse
and by could be i mean it definitely is
you're getting the message
just in pieces and bits
i can tell you the truth
but i edit it in real time
you only hear what you need
finishing the rest of the sentence in my mind

the meaning of life changes
every other day
i missed you for a while
but i didn't miss the pain
i wanted to live freely
before i knew of shame
i wanted to love deeply
until it was easier to blame

so i stare into the puddle
and splash my face away
life would be easier
if i wasn't the same person everyday
if i didn't have to live by
what i died for yesterday
the muscle memory of trauma
the pit of doubt left in your wake

i'm not saying i'm not grateful
and i'm not trying to play a game
i'm not special or above it all
i succumb and i flub and double down on mistakes
i forget what i can't reconcile
i let words form sentences i should never say
and thats all to say
today was a pretty sad day

i want to help
but there's nothing i can do

on the couch
tv is loud
head on my lap
completely spaced out

you're on mars
your eyes seem far
i'm frustrated
but don't know where to start

i just can't help but feel
i could do more than this
i should be more than this
i deserve more than this
i just need more than this
know it's nothing against
you or anything you did
just realized i can't pretend
that i don't crave more than this

everyone asked if i was okay
for once i actually kind of was
but i was crying a river
and it was all because
after all of this waiting
and asking for help without asking
somebody saw all the pain
i've been masking
it wasn't my friend
or someone i really know
it was my bus driver
with a single rose
______________
i woke up this morning
and the first thing that crossed my mind
was how much i truly
hate my life
i freaked out
because that's never happened before
if that is how i really feel
i was wondering why try anymore
i trudged to the bus stop
and told my brother to just go
today was not gonna be good
so i needed to be alone
tests and homework
failing classes
nobody cares
don't wanna see so i took off my glasses
i wait a little
and the bus pulls up
i tell her good morning
then head to the back of the bus
i cry as i listen to sad songs
and realize i should really just die
but i clean myself up
as my school comes into sight
trying to fight the urge
to walk away
i'm too tired
for that kind of **** today
but i get up
and walk down the aisle
picking up my backpack
and putting on a smile
but when i get to the door
she tells me to sit
what did i do now
can't help but wonder what it is
as people file out
i get ready for the fire
my depression eating popcorn
as my anxiety makes me fear this driver
praying please don't yell
please do not yell
i can barely handle
the destructive cacophony inside myself
reaches behind her seat for god knows what
but she pulls out a rose
and says she loves me
and she says that even though she doesn't know
that two minutes ago
i told myself this was the day i die
after i decided i couldn't anymore
the universe was giving me a sign
but let me clarify i guess
she wasn't being creepy
she was just trying to give me some of the attention
i've been endlessly seeking
i'd left my pity rose from valentine's
on the bus on the day before
she saw it but someone stole it
before
she could get it back
so she went and got me a new one
and brought it and gave it to me and also gave me a
free no-requirement kind of simple love
and i cried
boy did i cry
but she smiled at me
as i wiped my eyes
as i stepped of the bus
she shouted with joy
have a good day baby
have a great day like there is no other choice
i walked in
and my "friends" just gathered
trying to comfort me like something was wrong
how did they not realize
that it hadn't been for so long
i told them i was fine
and that was that
didn't want them to ruin the
beautiful moment i just had
but one thing i found strange
is the way i react
kindness is foreign
so it makes me sad
so used to being hurt
i can pretend to not feel a thing
but i can be broke down
by a good deed

don't wanna be a bother
or impeach on your time
i'm nobody special
and it's easier to hide
but you say it's okay
i'm not too bad for now
i wanna feel safe
you tell me to stick around
how long does that last
until you get bored
when you've got your attention
and don't need me anymore
because i'm tired of being broken
to make people feel whole
i try my best to help
but i'm just cast to fill a role
because she's not here
but when she comes back
we'll be strangers again
i'd bet a pretty dime on that

boundaries tested
wishes disrespected
i tell you how i feel
still don't get the message

trying to be direct with
you but you feel rejected
so you pull away from the conversation
only offering interjections

to change the direction
or 'adjust' my perspective
wildy immature
but sadly much expected

do you wanna be the
drip drip drip
coming from the sink at night

water falling
in this pattern
keeping time

drop drop dropping
somewhere
out of sight

driving me crazy
gonna lose
my mind

falling just to be with you
sinking to your level
holding my breath is hard this deep
but something about you is special
i want to bring you up
above the surface
it's a lot less suffocating
though not perfect
you deserve to relax
and not strain to stay alive
just because you can
doesn't mean you have to die

i swear to god
i swear to ******* god
oh god what have i done

the manifestation
my rotten imagination
think i'm gonna throw up

you dont understand
how such thoughts can
break someone down to nothing

i'm not strong enough for this
i'm too tired to throw a fit
just keep finding things to take from me

and you giggle as i mourn
its okay if it get broken
as long as it's not yours
i didn't ask to be born
i didn't want it to come to this
but we're here whether or not we like it
but you make it impossible
for me to live
because you ruin everything i'm still living for

don't hurt yourself darling
don't grit your teeth
dont punch on yourself
and stab at your feet
watch where you're going
and cross carefully
look both ways
before you go in the street
i know you wanna hurt
it feels good you think
but it only feels good
because it makes you bleed
you wanna see your pain
so it becomes real
no one can see
the pain that you feel
you don't need to prove
how much you're suffering
i believe the curses
you keep muttering
but this is not the way
you need love your body
and i know for the damage
you are not sorry
but treat yourself kind
no need to be mean
if not for you
do it for me

i'm tired of hating myself
i'm allowed to be hurt sometimes
even about the stupid things
from childhood trauma to idiot guys
sick of beating up on myself
when the world's already kicking the **** out of me
tired of explaining how i feel to people
like i have to justify my emotions to anyone but me

you
were
perfect

at least that is how i saw you

but
now
the
image
of
you
has
shattered

into a million different pieces
because you just weren't perfect enough
to make me believe you anymore

you
couldn't
make
me
happy

silence
i know
lonely
i'm so
hardly
i show
hold me
i'm cold

afraid
to die
lack purpose
in life
crying under
streetlights
praying for disasters
in the dead of night

breaking dermis
bursting vessels
a ****** reminder
how i find you special
do what you will
with that piece of my heart
i know it'll get graffiti'd over
but i'm admiring my art