they watch but they do nothing
as i struggle to grab up your wounded body
your arm just keeps falling and falling
and mine aren't strong enough to lay you back down softly

and i don't wanna drop you
so i try to take the worst of the fall
i say it isn't fair
you say it's not my fault
i try to believe you
but you're already gone
you deserved better

you deserved it all

might as well
                          hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
                                                                                 die.

hurt him to feel something
but he doesn't care
so how can he be hurt

hurt myself to feel something
but i still feel empty
it doesn't work

inflict pain just to feel something
but when i bleed
it doesn't even feel real

just want to feel something
but i just don't know
how to describe how i feel

what do you want
why should i go
when were you gonna
let me know
i gave you space
and more than enough time
promised i wouldnt beg you to come back
let you come back on your own time
let you decide
that you still cared enough to try again
but now that you are back
you are just breaking me again
trying to take the messiest way to the end
but listen for once
i can let you go again
don't need you
don't even want you sometimes
but i'm not the type to just quit
and give up on a person
but you are
and i am not disappointed this time
because i already knew
don't expect all too much from you
ever since you ripped my heart in two
because you couldnt seem to choose
because you ******* indecisive
and you keep on coming back
but first you leave to see if they're up to par
then you apologize and kiss me
till my body is numb and my heart is black
emotionless shell with her pleasure sensors intact
i guess that's why i let you come back
because you feel so good
when your mouth is shut
so we ****
and then my minds ****** up
because i dont need you
but i haven't found any other pleasurable love
i am frustration

easy come
easy goes
conceal the pain
before it shows
hide the marks
before he knows
for as easy as they come
they leave so slow

i realized i didn't need permission
to move on
or have to wait for forgiviness
when i did nothing wrong
except for being young
and having trust
in people who i should've denied
i spent months
trying to pick the pieces up
dust to dust
until i realized i never really needed your love

i cared for a while
for years
i was stout in denial
and watched my deepest fears
come to life one by one
everyone had their fun
tearing me down at my weakest
like i didn't try hard enough
like i deserved to feel so scuffed
i'd never hurt this much

and i've never felt this bad
or since
it all just tore me right in half
and where were my 'friends'
while i mourned myself
i needed help
you saw the moment as a chance
to cleanse yourself
i didn't want anything else
but of course you still brought me hell

and now you hate me
for walking away
i can still hear you complaining
because my existence must have caused you so much pain
remind me again
how i dont know what i said
that i'm awful and deplorable
i forget the rest

i'm ******* glad i left

gotta remind myself
that it's okay to be different
but i can't help but wish
that i was one of them

tired of feeling used
tired of feeling stupid
tired of feeling lied to
tired of being sick

do you belive me when i tell you
about how much it hurts
i don't know
it doesn't seem like you care

but it hurts
my everything does
and i just wish it would
i'm tired of fighting

tired of thinking
tired of breathing
tired of feeling
make ot go away

hate the way my voice just slides
into that tone i can tell you like
tell myself i'm not here
to break another heart tonight
i know i could take this vessel
and use it to crush your soul
but i actually think you're kinda cool
and i DoNt WaNnA hUrT yOu BrO

i bore my stripes today
like an open wound
obviously marked
immediately removed
from thought and consideration
as though the sight would end in bile
when a blade's edge margin defines conformity
who knows what tips the dial

my scars on display
not the people, places, and moments
that made me this way

like when you asked me to stay
only to abandon post and record over my presence
after rewiring my brain

your audience leaves me flayed
then further stung by stacked judgements
withheld until way too late

all of this is just to say
if you really felt that way
you should've just said so

didn't need to be
the one
didn't really ask
for much
just some company
possibly touch
never tried to force
you into love

all i wanted
was to know you
being close
could've been cool
but something happened
you withdrew
and now you're gone
and i'm confused

okay
i'll breathe
or at least i will try
even though i know you
are
nt
co
ming
b
a
ck
i
c

nt
b
re

the
c
me
bk

you were burning time
thought i was investing mine
oh couldn'tve been more wrong
now could have i

not saying you weren't genuine
but we didn't share the same sentiment
you just wanted company
unintentionally made **** intimate

when i turned eighteen
you didn't show up
the year before that too
you didn't come
said you were too busy
to swing by
work too much
didn't have time

but as soon as your baby
turns eight
you make the time
you save the date
we made plans to go out
but you shut them down
rescheduled so you
could be around

when i graduated
you said nothing to me
four years of your
constant degrading
i did my best
and you still raged
i was a burden
if i didn't obey

told me i was
tearing your family apart
spit in my face
and stomped on my heart
pressed down on me
if my head got too high
my happiness seemed
to be your demise

i wish i knew
what i could've done
i hate that i hate you
and have since i was young
hate that you forget me
and ignore my rights
feels like i've never had family
that i'm just a hiccup in your life

inescapable
clearly incapable
of respecting my energy

every time i'm excused
i run smack into you
and relive the memories

above all your drama
overcame that mountain of trauma
better off ignoring the bait

so i exit without a parting
not concerned with the rumors your starting
i'll just keep going my way

sweetheart
don't wander too far
it's okay to fall
in to my open arms
i won't let you slip
i promise you that
i'll keep you afloat
i'll hold the waters back
i want you to fly
your eyes are reason to me
let me uplift you
we could both be free

poison apple filled with worms
they'll eat up your insides
if the cyanide doesn't **** you first

delicious red crunches between your teeth
who knew death
could taste so sweet

when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did

the last nail in the coffin
driven in with a heavy whack
your little lie happened to be
the straw that broke the camel's back
you tested the waters
tried to dip in your toe
you cause too much ruckus
and now its overflown
should've been more
considerate
deliberate
legitmate
instead you were
ignorant
degenerate
belligerent

unexcited
unrequited
fell too hard
constantly reminded
but you seem fine
clear of mind
not wasting one bit
of your precious time

and even though it's killed me to get to this point

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

tried to hide it
but i was vibrant
a future that
you never sighted
all seemed fine
peace of mind
till i realized
the dream was mine

and though you tried to blame by saying it was my choice

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

out to the roof
cause i wanna dance
pulled you up here
to see if you'd understand
you stare in disgust
as i spin on my toes
hoped you'd hear the music too
guess i should've known

you wouldn't like this side of me

oh i wanna fly
over the edge of this scraper
be torn to bits by cement
like a piece of paper
dive headfirst
to a pool in the winter
empty and cold
now no one is the winner

eggshells
can't be myself
you beg for help
and i'll burn in hell
if i leave you alone
don't know how id cope
if you reached the end of your rope
and i just let you go
but i can't keep you above the flood
i can't just pretend i'm in love
your negativity is too much
tell you i was asleep even though i was up
because i didn't wanna speak
put too much onto me
pressured into caring
and i desperately want to leave
this situation unscathed
don't know how to walk away
don't wanna cause any more pain
just don't wanna suffer in an effort to save
someone i can't find empathy for
interactions strained and forced
eyes always on the door
go anyways because you deserve more

even when its nothing
its something
trying to make sense
aint it funny
that everytime i turn
you're running
it always has
got to be something

begged for communication
that wasnt fair
now you couldn't even
pay me to care
i waited for you
to figure out your upstairs
but you lied to me
and never moved a hair

you thought my patience
was bottomless
you thought you finally
found your audience
you thought i wouldn't
question the obvious
you thought a lot
but never thought that this

charade you pulled together
would fall apart
you thought you secured
your place in my heart
once you revealed
the way you actually are
pulling away
was anything but hard

you told me you would work on yourself
i never asked you to change
wanted to see you happy
but you just wanted things your way
you never even tried to be better
which is  a ******* shame
nevertheless i'm beyond this now
glad to get away

i knew not what i'd done
more concerned with little issues
that never mattered as much as you
and i know that now
but then i was stupid
led by and for amusement
tangled in pointless idiotic webs
instead of focusing on the real things
the people and memories that made me me

how am i being paranoid
when everything happened the way i thought it would
you ask about my feelings
not to help but to make yourself feel good
and give me pseudo solutions
that fix none of the issues
so when i'm still struggling
you can hit me with the 'maybe i can fix you'
you don't even wanna know me
just like the validation i oft provide
i'm good at making you feel good
and that's enough to keep things nice
but you would never choose me
in fact i'm not even a second thought
the second it's not easy to bounce off me
you question why my vibe is off
my feelings are flexible for you
as you've shown time and time again
i'm sensitive and you just hurt
get confused when you claim i'm your friend

having the worst time of my life
are you interested in joining the ride
or i guess you can watch from afar

why pull the glass from my feet
when i don't even care if i bleed
too busy carrying all the pieces of my heart

just another day of hard decisions
unpredictable conditions
but certain i'll feel sick to my stomach

it's not a question of desire
i've never been more tired
it's determining how much i want it

don't appreciate it till its gone
been 'selfish' for so long
now i get to live with myself everyday

know how i feel is unimportant
shouldn't need to be supported
but i'm weak and it makes me ashamed

you don't question blessings
so i let it slide
seemed too good to be true
but i didn't mind
wanted to be part of something great
so i didn't look into the lies
never wanted us to change
so i turned aside when i chose to cry

because i didn't want to shatter the fantasy
with the doubts i fostered
i was swallowed in thoughts
but tried to seem unbothered
you were all i wanted
a dream i felt i manifested
you pushed me away
and i couldn't process it

couldn't accept
that you didn't love me
couldn't believe
you would just leave
but here we are
and yes you did
i hate you for
doing this
for reopening wounds
and not meaning i love you
now i got trust issues
romantically *******

i know who i am
that's not the issue
it's you

want whats best
but i get more crap
what up's with that

just gotta stay focused
if i conquer my fear
i might persevere

it hurts to let you go
but you only bring me down
when your around

well ****
**** **** **** ****
gotta be who i said i would be
who i've actually been
but i feel it building up
and i  struggle to reel it in
this is why i never try
to be anyone's friend