i haven't yet decided
if i'm having a crisis
check in a little later

situations get me excited
and though i try to fight it
anxiety is in my nature

end of the day
gonna close my eyes
laying in my bed
but i can't sleep

wrapped in blankets and pain
tossing and turning in the night
with nasty thoughts in my head
but if i wait long enough i'll dream

how do you sleep
with your thoughts
it seems that they
could run you off
a steep steep edge
if you're not mindful
you walk a fine line
between right and spiteful
one word too many
and your guard falls apart
give in to the wrong urge
and pay for it with your heart
feel too much too much
and it's dragging you down
do you even try to pretend
when no one's around

you don't deserve my anger
not because you're guiltless
moreso that energy is wasted
when it's spent weighing a thought of you
the reprieve doesnt amount to much
and my grief wont revert to love
your presence is nothing but a reminder
of how i didn't love myself enough
to let myself be loved

we'll never be as young
as we are right now
when you're this close
i completely space out
your touch is so charged
do anything but stop
the current runs through me
i barely withstand the shock
**** this feels so good
can't we always be together
i wanna live in this moment
forever and ever

the things i do to keep myself sane
drive others away
the things i need to feel safe
seem impossible to attain
i can't form the words in my brain
to convince anyone that any of this is okay
their mouths sigh and their heads shake
thinking for god's ******* sake
can't she just **** it up for a day
and not micromanage every thing along the way

let it die
let me go
let it rest

i'm confined
not consoled
in your chest

eyes seem greener in the sunshine
meaner in the moonlight
colder the closer they come

almost shifting in real time
chameleon in disguise
changing up as much as you want

it's nights like these
struggling to breathe
trying to think
good thoughts
but its harder than it seems

it's times like this
apologies on my lips
at the end of my wits
a lot of folk
but no one who'll miss

me when i'm gone
sighs of relief and a yawn
like thank ******* god
not to paint them as bad
because why would they be wrong

i'm alone because i'm horrid
must've asked for this
inexcusably morbid
don't know how i did it
but i'm to blame for it

you do so much for me
but i hate you
i mistreat you
i withhold care
i punish you
for being tired
when you give me your all
i spit on you
for not being what i want
you do your best
and i still hate you
i'm sorry
i can't love you as you are

feel like sometimes
you forget just how soft i am
you smush me
without knowing you can
apologize but it's too late
the mess is already made
didn't plan on crying today
you just remind me of how much has changed

maybe it's cause i'm emotional
reliving it all cause of a joke
you forgot but how could i
you just thinking out loud but i took notes
the worst part i think
is that you're still nice to me
so sorry for everything
that should make me happy

but at least if you were an ***
i wouldn't wish things were different
spending months of denial
it's pitiful to admit it
you're still everything i want
after all is said and done
maybe you could've been the one
failing to be numb

to the impulse to seek you out
cause i know it keeps me stuck
in this place where i can't love you
but refuse to give it up
i know ive exhausted every option
our combination is just too toxic
i turn away cause i can't watch this
i knew it but i didn't stop it

so it's my fault that my hearts broken
you try to catch all the pieces
say you wish that you could fix it all
stop being so kind it's my weakness
you're my last thought at night
only one that ever apologized
there's no way to make this right
why do you have to be so ******* nice

who is it you need now
someone quiet or awfully loud
who do i need to be
for you to be proud
to be allowed around
your insatiable crowd
since who i am
is dirt on the ground

i pray with my eyes wide open
and i hope that it still counts
don't know who i'm speaking to
just need some faith right now
messed up a lot and
wanna be better than my mistakes
if there is a God
won't you please show me the way
how do i love myself and others
and the air i breathe
am i asking for too much
do i deserve to be happy
i'm drowning in these questions
can any light be shed
are you really out there
or am i just talking in my head

i wish i could just close my eyes
and wake up when i'm happy with my life
but its never gonna be that simple
i just feel so very little

you don't know how many people
wanna see me hurt
dream about me choking on
every last word
because they're jealous or scorned
things i'll never understand
maybe the just hate me
simply for who i am

talking to you is
like breaking my neck after a one inch fall
the chance of disaster so low
why not risk it all
but once it all goes to ****
i won't understand what's wrong
might find it difficult to remember
that its all my fault

just kidding
i blame myself for everything
i
feel
so
small

'          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';'''  '
''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; ' ' dreaming of a different time '   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '
;  ;'.  ;'    ..  ; '  ; ;  ,; '   ';  living without you in my life '; ; ' ' ; .  .    '' '' ; ; ',,   ';;
; ; ' ' ;   '' '' ; ; ',,   ';. ' ; ; moving on like rain on the streets '  ..,.,' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;.
;'    ..  ; '  ; ;  ,; '   ';     down the drain where no one can see '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;'
';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ; '; how much it hurts that you've gone away ''   ;; ' ,    '  ;   '  
';''   '  ' '  '.;;'   '  ;  without you here there's nothing left but pain';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''  
';'';'  ' '  ; .   ; ' ; . .'                                     i                                    ';'';'  ' '  ; .   ;  
;'';'  ' ' ' '  '.;;'';; '  ;                                                             ­               ';'';'  ' '  ; .   ;'';'  ' '  ; . ; ..   . .'                                        m                                      ;   ' '';'  
;'';'  ' '   ; ' . . .; . .'                                      i                        ­              ' ' .    ' '  ; .   ;
;''  ' '    ; .   ; ' ; . .'                                      s                        ­              ' , ,   ' '  ; .   ;
;'';'  ' '  ; .   ; ' ; ;' .;                                     s                                      ';'';'  ' '  ; .   ;
;'';'  ' '  ; .   ; ' ; .' ;                                        you                     ­          ;'  ' ' ';'  ' '  ; .';.' ;    .  ; '     '                                                                ­            ; ' .  ;; , .' ; .' ;
.;. '  ' '  '.;' ''   '  ;  ' ;          a  little more hour after hour             ;;' ''   '  ;   '  ;  ' ; ''
''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  '       the pitter patter pitter patter         ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ;
''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  '      just keep getting louder          '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '
'          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ; '   ' '          ';''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   ' ;  ' ; '' '   .  '   ;
''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;   '  it won't stop raining when you're gone ''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  ;
''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''   '  leave the umbrella if you won't be staying long''   '  ' '  '.;;' ''

don't say i'm stupid for using my words
better be careful how you choose your words
i'm not as fragile as you might think
a lot more sturdy than i seem

waking up
not rested
uncomfortable
and divested
every ounce of nerve
has been tested
have a dream
but can't manifest it

i want more
than what i know
but there's no
room to grow
i'm stuck in
this hellhole
where did all
my passion go