i dont wanna be a pastime
a distraction for the nighttime
feels like a waste of time
if not yours at least mine
im too sensitive for you to just say
the words you do without shame
melt at the sound of your voice mumbling my name
i love you the most beautiful kind of pain

picking the flowers on the edge of my dress
pretending i'm not nervous
everyone sees what they want to
feeling lopsided and missing curfew
wanna leave before they try to find me
but why should i be the one hiding
when all i ever did was be myself
and i still don't understand why that bothered anyone else
i'll just keep sinking into the bleachers
as kids sneak drinks past teachers
knowing i'm never gonna be one of them
remembering when we used to be friends
and understanding that doesn't matter now
i'm tired and regretting ever coming out

don't know you anymore
you're much older now
wonder if you're wound and shy
or outgoing and loud
you've always been so smart
i know you still have the sweetest smile
seeing it made me feel fuzzy inside
haven't felt like that in a while
i don't know you anymore
i miss you all the same
can't forget the relief
of knowing you were safe
not being able to reassure myself
that you are okay
swallows me when its quiet
just wanna shield you from all pain
i don't even know you anymore
you probably don't remember my name
wonder about how you'll turn out
ponder it everyday
you were the best thing in my life
until i went away

set out the favors
and put out the snacks
ready to blow out the candles
but no one's called back
family is out of town
and my friends are too busy
to come hang for a while
and celebrate with me
wish i could share the fireworks
and cake with someone else
but i guess i'll fire the victory cannons
all by myself

till one day love came to take us
where is something we do not know
she covered our eyes and hushed our lips
and delivered our lonely bones
to this we find ourselves
personal hells

the mess is made and i see it clear
i want it better but i want you here
i'm either doubtful and lonely
or lonely and doubtful
can't make the sun rise on me
everyday feels the same
groundhog day

and i feel bad so i try
but you want that reaction
you dont really want me
you want an idea
an ideal
craving ****** attraction
and i understand
but i just can't

be nothing to help you feel
i fall apart and you leave me to deal
you want an ideal
not the person whose actually real

and that makes me want to die
all the love i have despite
every reason you could think of for me to not
yet i do and all it does is cost
ah

every step he takes
each words he says
will all be in spite of you

no one cares you're ashamed
you awarded yourself this blame
you are nothing but a selfish fool

i don't wanna go
if that means saying goodbye
but i know if i don't
that's asking a lot

i don't wanna know
if it'll make it harder to lie
guess i should just go
but my legs feel locked.

and i wish we could go back to being strangers
so i wouldn't know the things that you would do
it'd be so easy to give into this anger
but i'll get no joy from hurting you

just wanna know why you did it
why you did this
i cant fix it
how could you
stunned and sickened
thoughts all twisted
i don't wanna miss it
but i do

i thought i hid it so well

lo and behold, you caught me
  obviously i had it all wrong
    very well then
       everyone is probably laughing at me now
          don't worry my love you told me
  
you told me i have nothing to fear
  of course i know this was all an accident
    under no circumstances would you hurt me


until you did because

                                                        ­                                                           ʸᵒᵘ
                                                                ­                                            ᵈᶤᵈᶰ'ᵗ
                                                                ­                                      ˡᵒᵛᵉ          
            ­                                                                 ­                    ᵐᵉ              
                                                                ­                           ᵇᵃᶜᵏ

how far do i have go
to show you this isn't a joke
two feet or a the next room
outside the only town i seem to know
a thousand miles
past the moon
how much distance will it take
to get to you

how far must i go
to make you understand
an inch in or maybe two
the length of your hand
or a million light years
or something even larger
is this something we can fix
or is it only gonna get harder

how far would you reach
to make this work
to rescue this love from an ending
it doesn't deserve
cause i could span the world
effortlessly
to keep you my love
but am i even something you want to keep

what you could've had
never left your mind
tethered to me now
but dream of the other life
you wish you could've had
i never meant to hold you back
she is all you ever wanted
and i'm all you'll ever have

when it rains
it pours

when it burns
it scalds

when it hurts
it  lingers

but when it feels good
it seems stalled

i'm the one whose unhappy
does that warrant a change
am i being dramatic
or is there weight to what I say
genuinely asking because i
can't tell if i'm being hard to please
or if there's nothing wrong with what i asked for
and these are basic human needs
like who am i, please tell me
so i can act accordingly
if there's something wrong on my end
i'll fix it immediately
just help me please
because this hurts so bad
and i don't want you to know me
for just being sad
i dont want you to loathe me
for always holding back

the lies they need to be okay
half-truths they'll take to their grave
self soothing efforts to much dismay
5150 you so they can try to feel sane

can't live with what really happened
cognitive dissonance fractures a fragile reality
if you did what i say you did
you couldn't excuse yourself rationally
with your bible of reasons
full of fallacies and opinions
fact is utterly lost on you
creating your own definitions
for ******* you made up or believe
to proof everyone else wrong
pushing a false narrative
only works for so long

i don't wanna be close
not again
know how it goes
being your friend

one day its great
then the next
it's silence and space
ignoring my texts

too arrogant to respect my space
and i'm too busy to sit and wait

so i guess this is goodbye
exit from my life
do me this one favor
and speed off into the night
left me high and dry
i waited for your reply
when you decided you were too good for that
i decided to cut this line

don't wanna talk to you
about my day
genuinely confused
you were ghost in all but name

now you've returned
and you wanna resume
i've been busy not hurt
ain't got patience for you

too confident that i would wait
goofy to think deceiving me was okay

i said this is goodbye
exit from my life
do me this one favor
and leave me be tonight
too tired to fight
or read the between your lies
thought you seemed too comfortable
you only proved me right

only proved me right
only made me cry
only made excuses
for not behaving right
now that you are locked out
you wanna be inside
indecisive ungratfeul ****
get out of my sight

are you proud of me yet
i'm trying to forget
i'm trying harder than i ever have

you blame me for your pain
you tell me everyday
like i don't already feel bad

we're both in the same boat
i feel more guilt than i show
i wish i could take it back

but i'm stuck with my actions
i'll try to show compassion
even if everything i do makes you sad

can't force you
to sympathize
or make you see
why i am right
i don't wanna yell
don't want to fight
just wish you understood
this deafening pain

anger
frustration
and disappointment
and that still doesn't describe it
i am so much more than a few words right now
iamdrowningintheexpectationsofeveryonearoundmeiamjugglingthef­a
ntasiesofthosewholovemewhileknowingitwillneverbearealityiamexpe­
ctingthesameofothersthattheyexpectfrommebutinevergetitbackiamia
­miamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamia
miamiamiam­iamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamia
miamiamiamiamiamiami­amiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamia
miamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamia­miamiamiamiamiamiamiamia

i am a hypocrite
who hates hypocrites

the only reason i dare speak
on you and your choices
is because i've acknowledged how ****** up i am
and i guess that makes me even worse
because i know
and should have the ability to change
but i don't

i am a hypocrite
who hates hypocrites
telling you to love yourself
while i punish myself for existing

with the flash of skin
i can hold your eyes
my unveiled face may
mesmerize

i guess it's okay
to be seen
feels like i'm naked
on tv

everyone can
have their say
feel like they
might have their way

is it ungratfeul
to not want it
the attention
often unwanted

don't wanna
come off rude
just don't exist
to satisfy you

there's much more
to enjoy
my appearance is not
as sweet as my voice

and the things
it has to say
might be pleasantly suprised
if you tried to know me that way

i'm thinking about the nights
that we hid in your car
till one in the morning
not kissing
or *******
we aren't like that
no
we are more
we looked into each other's eyes
and whispered our darkest secrets
and expressing our feelings
with your hand on my cheek
holding me
wiping away my tears
telling me you loved me
and i cooed it back
telling me i was beautiful
even though my mascara had run
and oh
i suddenly believed i was

where did that go?

what you want
what you got
who i am
who i'm not
she's not real
but boy did she try
insecure i bet
but so am i
hating myself for
not being someone else
could guarantee this isn't good
for my mental health

you're a good person
you just ain't been good to me
know about your selfless love
that i've never personally seen

know you ain't the devil
but you haven't been kind at all
it's taking all of me to not just forgive you
and once again assume all the fault

wish i knew the words
or the order to put them in
feelings beyond explanation
wait to be spoken
but i've taken too long
and the pressure is building up
gonna *****
all this hate and pain
bottled up in my brain
will have to escape
and if i dont let it out soon
if i don't confront you
i know i'll be *******

ideas
i have them
on occasion
i guess they are all right

but
sometimes
i wish that
they weren't in my mind

mine
aren't simple
they expand
into something i can't fight

they
aren't what's
considered
healthy under any light

what do you want
i can give only so much
you ask and i sacrifice
but it's still not enough
i'd give you the truth
but i know you'd hate it
stripping you of your lies
weak and naked
i'd give you some space
but you need my attention
without it you would crumble
validation dependent
i'd give you my opinion
but to you it doesn't matter
but god forbid yours goes unheard
someone will hear about it after
tired of giving a ****
nothing i do seems worthy anyways
i'm giving you my resignation
and i'm giving back your hate

i ache for freedom
but i settle for acceptance
no on sees the inner turmoil
so why would they suspect it

i didn’t know you were gone
till i saw that you just weren’t there
i didn’t know you couldn’t stay
so i blamed you for my despair
for the overwhelming blue
that settled over my life
i missed you so much
when you weren’t by my side
and i still miss you
when i hear your name in someone else’s conversation
even if it’s not really about you
it fits into the version of events i’ve created
where you’re coming home
with a smile and time to waste
that you got caught up at the office
and just running a little late
or something or another
just that you’ll come back to me
i know this is not possible
but i dream selfishly
and i’m not mad anymore
i’ve grown to understand
this isn’t something you could control
under any circumstance
but like i said
i am fading in your absence
if you can’t come to me
i’ll close the distance
god drew the line that keeps us apart
i’ll erase it without a second thought
anything that put me next to you
is going to have be my best shot
but this isn’t right
you’d never approve
how do i please myself
without disappointing you

i wonder who am i hurting the most
you by saying goodbye or myself for letting you go

you're gonna hate me
if that's what you want to do
there's something wrong with me
because i'm not just like you
i didn't want it to be like this
but you can't have it any other way
you steal the few things i have left
you'll convince yourself that that's okay
i'm not even sure if i love you anymore
you proved you've lost none on me
so ******* childish to play these games
even more ******* i didn't need

i wonder
how many tears i could cry in one sitting
i wonder
what it would take to fully break me
i wonder
why i get so down sometimes
i wonder
so much my brain hurts
i wonder
about nice things sometimes too like
i wonder
if marshmallows were created my accident

don't google that
just let me continue to wonder

love the thought of me
befriend my personification
the person you think i am
the pretend me

but i'm not really nice
i hate all of you
but for some reason i keep
acting friendly

do you like me
do you like the attention
or do you like being alone

reached out again
not like i haven't been available
got my socials my address and my phone

i'm easy to shake off
wanted to give you options
but you were the one who told me not to go

said you liked me
liked talking to me
like my thoughts my words me as a whole

told me to keep writing
to keep pestering
that you actually wanted it so

not even left on read
my message not even opened
yet today you were out liking photos

it's my nature to apologize
like its my job to hold open the door
for people who chose slam it
in my face
i'm tired of being sorry
for things i'm not even sorry for
out here hurting feelings
that were never my responsibility in the first place

always holding my tongue
for the sake of peace
why must i be numb
to enjoy your company

just don't understand
but i don't care to at this point
you talk too much as is
i hear crazy things when i'm out
too self aggrandizing to
be at peace with your own choice
that anger has done you no good
but you stand by it even now

you're never gonna learn
and that's why your unhappy
pushing me away
to prove what exactly

you do what benefits you
then say it's what's best for me
afraid to lose somebody
you tried to force into your life
i don't have it in me
focused on my own needs
you want something impossible
an effort i cannot provide

because i'm not stuck on you
the way you've clung to me
got too comfortably rude
and lost my company

and i don't care if you have any regrets
i waited a very long time
tried to be there even when every bone
in my body begged me to leave
but you never changed and even if you do
i'm no longer invested in your life
you really expected me to tolerate your ****
must've never thought much of me

if
it really happens
was it ever really a what
if