you're gonna hate me
if that's what you want to do
there's something wrong with me
because i'm not just like you
i didn't want it to be like this
but you can't have it any other way
you steal the few things i have left
you'll convince yourself that that's okay
i'm not even sure if i love you anymore
you proved you've lost none on me
so ******* childish to play these games
even more ******* i didn't need

i wonder
how many tears i could cry in one sitting
i wonder
what it would take to fully break me
i wonder
why i get so down sometimes
i wonder
so much my brain hurts
i wonder
about nice things sometimes too like
i wonder
if marshmallows were created my accident

don't google that
just let me continue to wonder

love the thought of me
befriend my personification
the person you think i am
the pretend me

but i'm not really nice
i hate all of you
but for some reason i keep
acting friendly

do you like me
do you like the attention
or do you like being alone

reached out again
not like i haven't been available
got my socials my address and my phone

i'm easy to shake off
wanted to give you options
but you were the one who told me not to go

said you liked me
liked talking to me
like my thoughts my words me as a whole

told me to keep writing
to keep pestering
that you actually wanted it so

not even left on read
my message not even opened
yet today you were out liking photos

it's my nature to apologize
like its my job to hold open the door
for people who chose slam it
in my face
i'm tired of being sorry
for things i'm not even sorry for
out here hurting feelings
that were never my responsibility in the first place

always holding my tongue
for the sake of peace
why must i be numb
to enjoy your company

just don't understand
but i don't care to at this point
you talk too much as is
i hear crazy things when i'm out
too self aggrandizing to
be at peace with your own choice
that anger has done you no good
but you stand by it even now

you're never gonna learn
and that's why your unhappy
pushing me away
to prove what exactly

you do what benefits you
then say it's what's best for me
afraid to lose somebody
you tried to force into your life
i don't have it in me
focused on my own needs
you want something impossible
an effort i cannot provide

because i'm not stuck on you
the way you've clung to me
got too comfortably rude
and lost my company

and i don't care if you have any regrets
i waited a very long time
tried to be there even when every bone
in my body begged me to leave
but you never changed and even if you do
i'm no longer invested in your life
you really expected me to tolerate your ****
must've never thought much of me

if
it really happens
was it ever really a what
if

tell myself people make mistakes
that it's okay to have an off day
but i still feel bad

tell myself you wanted to be my friend
that that has to mean something doesn't it
but i still feel bad

keep telling myself i tried to do the right thing
that i wouldn't take advantage of the fact that you like me
but i still feel bad

hot wind blows through my hair
i was angry before i didn't care
the circumstances left me bare
and i just had to leave it there
my hopes and dreams for us two
all the love i had for you
fades from black and blue
i'm experiencing something new
more surreal and vivid than i ever have
i wished that you had had my back
but now i never want what we had back
why would i settle for that
when i see something brighter on the horizon
my energy as a whole has brightened
the burden of nurturing others lightened
fresh and free and so excited
each day that passes makes it further away
flowers blooming on a months old grave
i'd never have known if i had stayed
i dont wanna sleep anymore days away

finally
i want to be awake for this next part
the future is almost

love you is a lie
i love nothing
but i'd love nothing more
than to have you stop
trying to make me love you
it's been unsuccessful
thus far

if you asked
how's the weather
i'd say i don't know
but i wish it was better

if you asked
how's life been going
i'd say not the best
but time is not slowing

if you asked
who i am
i couldn't lie to you
but you'd never understand

been a bit
hasnt it
oh.. that's the crowd
you've been hanging with?

oh no it's okay
i've got nothing to say
just thinking to myself
what a **** shame

you used to be different
now you just seem so ignorant
but did this suprise me?
no it didn't

if i keep on giving
if i keep on living

if i stop crying
if i stop trying

if i
if i
if i
if i
if i could just let go

i still don't vibe
with the way you used to make me feel
the chance of this going south
is all too very real
i wanna believe you've changed
but i don't wanna make a mistake
by the time i'll realize the truth
it'll be too late
so pardon me if you must
for being cautious and playing it safe
i'd much rather be distant now
than right back in the same place

i dont hate you
i just can't be near you
for you bring the past alongside questions

if i wanted to erase you
i would have done so in a heartbeat
i would have done it long before your presence

here today thats also permeated in my mind
you might not be the loss of my life
but you are more than just a lesson

i can make do
but i can't ignore my feelings
and where we can't meet we have to make concessions

and if i have to let you go
and when it breaks my heart
i guess i'll have to let it

i can love from afar
but i can't love you half as hard
things can change when you least expect it

but the good outlives the bad
the best times we ever had
i do truly cherish every second

we shared and i always will
but even though i care i might have to ****
the part of me that wants to correct this

maybe we've outgrown our spot
before these roots rot
let's try to save ourselves the infection



bury what you can't carry
a kiss for what you'll miss
a tear for the fears that came true

a shaking fist to the sky
i can say i tried
but i can never answer for you

so i lay down my offerings
my last intentions and pray
that we can make right from wrong

and that if we can't
we can find peace in an ending
and cleanly move on


oh what ever will it be

i know when you've just said my name
i know when you lie to my face
i know when you aren't listening to what i say
i know that you are not ready to change

you don't have to put on a show
i'm aware, i've been told
about everything you like to withhold
don't worry darling i already know

i'm not inspired
i don't feel so good
i want out of the prison
of doubt and insecurity

but i don't have the means
in a rut
in my feelings
not sure how i'm enduring it

i really listen
or at least i try
to be a good friend
to seem better in your eyes
taking all you say to heart
even if it doesn't seem right
telling you that i understand
when you make me cry
when you tell me to snap out of it
i paste on a smile
for every inch you ask of me
i muster up a mile
putting away all my icky thoughts
seeming to be just fine
i give it all, more than all
but somehow i'm left behind
how did all this "back and forth"
become a product of my sacrifice
why don't you every stand up for me
am i just too nice
its hard to imagine that you can't see
the way i'm rotting inside

i
love
overreacting
very much so i'd say
everyone would agree
although i hate them all
there are times i think to myself
these are the people who make my life
easier by noticing what i need someone to
no they may not make me happy all the time
this is a fact but that is not necessarily a bad thing
its almost perfect even if you try to think about it all
oh but it is exactly what i have wanted from the beginning
no one of the face of this planet could try and take it from me now

schedule conflicts
and distance
indeed you are far far away
even though the world moves on
i won't let that change
the fact that i care
know that i'm there
as soon as you call
and if i'm not
know it's not your fault
because even when i'm busy
thoughts of you are with me
because i love and miss you dearly
so listen closely
i need you to hear me
i know the days are hard
and the nights get dark
but your thoughts are even darker
and sometimes people make it worse
and them trying to help makes it harder
because you question every decision
those tears start to blur your vision
you hate yourself for not being perfect
you feel like you cant fix anything
you tell yourself you're worthless
and when they try to say
otherwise it doesnt penetrate
you still feel shattered
if they bring it up again
you say it doesn't matter
but i want you to know
in case it doesn't show
IT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO ME
i love you and if i didn't have you
you don't know how lost i would be
a world without your smile
wouldn't be worthwhile
i swear it from the depths of my soul
but i understand how
disappointment can take its toll
i'm sorry that i've haven't been around
and that those other people let you down
you deserve so much more
i should've done something earlier
or said this before
i'm not telling you to be okay
i can't tell you to ignore the way
your heart feels and just move on
**** anyone who tells you to ignore your feelings
they are so so wrong
we all doubt ourselves at times
it's normal, it's growth, it's alright
don't feel embarrassed for being yourself
even if it is you
comparing you to everyone else
but i will tell you
that i hate to
see you treat yourself so bad
you are so ******* amazing
i hope you know that
it hurts me to see you cry
it kills me to watch you recite
those ugly words into a mirror
when i see you post those things
i wish i could pull you near
and tell you all these things
i forget to say but always think
so here it is all laid out
you will heal and you are loved
it's okay to slow down
don't be so hard
on your poor heart
you matter and you are allowed
to feel sad
it's normal to feel doubt
and just in case you forget it again
i am your friend
you can always hunt me down
i know it gets busy
but i'm always around
and i'm rooting for you
i know you can do
those things you think you can't
just know that i trust and believe in you
and i will always try to understand
so when the chasm deepens
and your fears creep in
remember the words above
when the world gets to be too much
know that you are loved

who isn't?

just because i have issues maintaining my boundaries
didn't mean i needed to treat people like ****
in the moment i felt cornered
so i overcorrected and when
i veer into that territory
of fighting invisible enemies
i let the negativity
get the best of me
i'm sorry i spoke to you like that
i didn't want to it just happened
that's me being honest
not defending my actions
i wanna promise i won't do it again
but i don't wanna lie you see
if you stay i'll try my best
but i understand if you choose to leave

deep in your subconscious
lie the answers you seek
the solution is not as far
as you might think
you have the ability
to manifest your dreams
if you build a flying ship
you'll never be afraid to sink

i'm a little poet
both quiet and loud
having weird thoughts
then writing them down
words are my coping method
when i get stressed out
how i get over the things
i become irrational about

i am angry at you
so do not draw me in

i am jealous of her
don't treat me like a friend

i'm just fine on my own
keep your hands far me

i'm cold and so alone
pull me close before i freeze

rub my eyes
die a little inside
roll out of bed

gonna keep building this life
like i'm not always
wishing i was just dead

and someone needs to stop me

i'm just me
plain as can be
walking a line
between
the two extremes
feeling numb without you
or loving painfully
its just me
nothing else to see
just a person on the side
that you'll never need
not enough
will never be
one of your dreams
just another person
who won't leave you be
don't need
my company
i'm just me

why do I need to go away?
you’re everything that is good
yin and yang
night and day
there is bad in the good babe
you were worst promise I ever made
but definitely my best mistake
why do I always choose
the ones that cause the most pain?