it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything