**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault

you dont have to love me
i already know
it's always something
out out my control
beyond my power
i'm weak and you're repulsed
want my patience and affection
but can't bear to keep close
which is it now
what's it gonna be
you can't have it all
and be indifferent to me

i gotta know

who isn't?

creeping 
lurking
sneaky
hurting
burn 
in hell
hate
yourself
disgusting
monster
the sin
you fostered 
you ******
****
hope you get
flattened by a truck
and die 
a slow death
i hope you're afraid
when you draw your last breath
i hope the world
grinds you down
i dream you'll fall off a bridge
and drown
i imagine peeling
back your face
then shredding it
and throwing it in a fire place
while your raw face
bleeds
it looks on 
and sees
the face of a villain
turned to ash
you better NEVER EVER ******* EVER
come back
you are repulsive
you're senile and bleak
you were never strong
you preyed on the weak
i wish you would 
just die
avoid the consequences you *****
commit suicide
do us all a favor
do yourself in
you're a useless abuser
pay for your sins
look what you've done
utter devastation 
continued this narrative
bleeding through each generation 
it stops here with me
as i break the cycle
you destroyed so many dreams
and broke so many smiles
so as your burn 
down below
i hope that you know
i smile at the
thought
of your eyelids
burning off
and your eyeballs
liquifying
no one is sad
that you're dying
celebrations 
will ensue
the day we are finally
without you

i hope you die the most lonely, painful, and excruciating way possible and that you know that this has been what i've wished for a long time and that you will be forgotten. 

no one loves you.

burn in hell you disgusting repulsive weak man.

what do you want
i can give only so much
you ask and i sacrifice
but it's still not enough
i'd give you the truth
but i know you'd hate it
stripping you of your lies
weak and naked
i'd give you some space
but you need my attention
without it you would crumble
validation dependent
i'd give you my opinion
but to you it doesn't matter
but god forbid yours goes unheard
someone will hear about it after
tired of giving a ****
nothing i do seems worthy anyways
i'm giving you my resignation
and i'm giving back your hate

do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend

the more i learn
the less i know

do you love me
is it all for show

burning questions
answers i need

too many lies
between you and me

who approached who
do you like her better

was it more enjoyable
then when we were together

what was she wearing
was it tight or seductively loose

just out of curiosity
does she wear name brand perfume

tell me what it is
what is that thing she has

the thing that made you want her
the thing that i don't have

why do you keep saying
that you never loved her

if anything it honestly
makes me feel worse

because if all it took
was those **** me eyes

do you really love me
or are you selling more lies

i woke up everyday
feeling bad but going out of my way to feel worse
now i know what you think that i'm worth
i flinch recalling the bite of those words
so much i could say but i don't wanna see you hurt
and i guess that's where we are different

i woke up everyday
unfortunately and tried to push off the thoughts
how could i be wrong
for wanting what everyone does
you keep telling me how i feel
but that wasn't how it was
compromise isn't an ultimatum

i woke up everyday
and all i asked was
to be met with equity
you took all my charity
now you left me
feeling like i was wrong on the deepest level
for ever wanting something more
hearing everything you say
i wake up the same kind of sore

i wake up everyday
and cry sometimes too
because i'm tired of pretending
and i might end up hating you

you said it with no hesitation
you took what was worth it for you
and you left the best parts of me
and told me they meant nothing
stupid stupid stupid

but it's okay
i'll be glad you're gone
when this doesn't hurt so much
it's just that it still hurts so much

this loneliness is eating at me
i crave human touch
cravings and all, with all of these liars
alone will have to be enough

so many rigid walls
blocking my way
too many unhealthy thoughts
clogging my brain
all of these people
telling me it's too late
nobody understands
the extent of my pain
they all say it gets better
and that i'll be okay
they tell me to hold on
like i haven't tried
keep telling me to breathe
as they close in on all sides
tell me to come out of the darkness
as they burn me with their lights
keep telling telling telling
but i don't want their advice
but i'm stuck and i'm lost
and so ******* confused
so wrapped up in my feelings
i could never fathom what to do
about all of these problems
that somehow all lead back to you
it was not a what that was hurting me
but it took too long to figure out who
i blamed homework and school
i blamed work and sleep
i blamed existence and life
i blamed everything
but i never blamed you
eventually i even blamed me
never thought that you would hurt me
but i guess that i'm still learning

what you could've had
never left your mind
tethered to me now
but dream of the other life
you wish you could've had
i never meant to hold you back
she is all you ever wanted
and i'm all you'll ever have

it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

you say i'm not a burden
but i see you don't want my company
don't tell me not to feel insecure
when you obviously wanna leave
i feel too uncomfortable
to stand here as you wish to be
somewhere else with somebody else
that you enjoy more than me
i get it i do
just dont make it worse
your ****** expression
contradicts your words
i feel unwanted
so why shouldn't i desert
your body language is enough
to tell me to hit the curb
but you swear that its fine
for me to hang around
finally you convince me
i ignore my doubts
sending good vibes
and trying to fit in with your crowd
still all i feel is invisible
and always get left out
what did i expect
not a welcome parade
i just thought since you promised
i wouldn't have to be afraid
but as soon as i came in
you wandered away
and relief pours over your body
after you lose my face
in the group of people
that all hate my guts
they think i'm emotional
and see you're my crutch
they laugh at me as i fall over myself
and say what a clutz
i guess i deserve it
since i trusted you so much
still it stings and it burns
they laugh as i weep
you watch and do nothing
either in agreeance or because you're weak
i should've just not showed up
or let you make me believe
that you actually wanted my friendship
when you just felt pity

now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

what if i told you
that i still feel the same
would that be good or bad
or awkward and strange

what if i told you
how i felt that night
before i up and went
and change my mind

what if i told you
about every single thing
that made you so perfect
at least to me

what if i told you
how long it took
for me too look at you
and not feel mistook

what if i told you
about the the hate that grew
in that period of time
i distanced myself from you

what if i told you
that i'm not the same
when you said you couldnt love me
i learned a new level of pain

what if i told you
i don't love you anymore
would you believe me
despite what i said before

what if you told me
you really felt the same
i cried out all the memories
so i really couldn't say
those feelings have been gone
but maybe the could be saved
i forgot how to want you
so i could stay sane
but i'm driving myself mad with these hypotheticals
but i'm trapped in my brain

what if i told you
i don't believe in love
forgetting you and losing myself
proved to be enough
to take the romantic in me
and show her that it's too ******* bad
love is just a concept
and it's nothing i will ever truly have

i stare into the mirror
analyzing the view i have of myself
i'm not too bad so someone could love me
but there is nobody else
i'm tired of being lonely
i need a person to be mine
but they don't want me and as i stare
into the mirror i can see why

i've said too much
i emptied the bottle
can't pour it back it in
now that i've spilled it all out
so in the mess i reside
the puddle i've made of my life
i wade knee deep in problems
i've only made worse by opening my mouth

sometimes i wish
my lips would fall off
and my teeth would meld together
and my tongue would wither away
maybe then i could know what it's like
to stay out of my own way

i feel like everyone knows everything
and nothing at all
i think too much
i try to share my thoughts
but they never come out right
so i'm just fighting for my life
and ruining it
all at the same time

everyone is around
somehow i'm still alone
it ever used to be this way
then again
no one used to know

able bodied creature
dreamy eyed figure
gazing hopelessly, intimately
just kissing, loving mindlessly
never omitting passion
quiet reaction, satisfaction
truly unnerving
very worried
yesterday's
zeleny

i would get anxious
but at this point it wouldn't be worth the price
my body is tired
and my mind is balancing
on the edge of a knife

i would get worried
and overwhelm myself with the details
but i know that won't change anything
so i'll just take a deep breath
and exhale

i really am drained
but there's this nagging persistence
to freak out and be manic
and focus on the little things
but i'm too tired to go along with it

i just don't care
life is just a word
my feelings
have melted
so i can be unhurt

nothing is real

it's a game
of who cares less
left on delivered
unsending texts
general statements
to silently dig
because i'm too shy
to just say ****
and i know if i did
it'd just get forgotten
pouring until i'm an
empty carton
hate that feeling
so just i say nothing
act nonchalant
but i'm bad at bluffing
so now it's weird
because i think too much
concerns get buried
so i can get ******
i'm trying my best
to not mess it up
but i let the situation snowball
like it always does
and now it's too late
to fix what i bent
so i'll just say
we're better off as friends

crush my bones
sever my feet
stomp in my face
watch me bleed
ain't it fun
to taunt the weak

no one ever asked if i was okay
now its a little too late
to remedy my pain

they never cared to see my fear
missed my downfall even though they were here
tear after tear

i am all cried out at this time
keep your shoulder cause i got mine
too late for you to apologize

just because i have issues maintaining my boundaries
didn't mean i needed to treat people like ****
in the moment i felt cornered
so i overcorrected and when
i veer into that territory
of fighting invisible enemies
i let the negativity
get the best of me
i'm sorry i spoke to you like that
i didn't want to it just happened
that's me being honest
not defending my actions
i wanna promise i won't do it again
but i don't wanna lie you see
if you stay i'll try my best
but i understand if you choose to leave

good morning
i guess i am awake
gonna show up
even if i know i'll hate today