if i had you
i wouldn't need anybody else
but you won't take me
so now i've gotta fend for myself
looking into me
and turning over once you're done
seeing what you wanna see
no longer interested whatever it was
don't want to assume the worst
and i'm not trying to be scummy
but you can only make me feel so stupid
and take so much from me
before i can't be as patient and kind
as i really wanna be
i just wanna be treated like a person
it's not even that deep

it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

the difference between guessing and knowing is that knowing hurts worse
to become the person i am meant to be
i need to come to terms
with all the open ended conversations
and dragged out fights
i need to settle all the debts
and accept that you're right
you never meant to hurt me
and while that doesnt change that you did
it makes it easier to be okay in the present
and not stuck in the past and haunted
you and me are gonna go places
and maybe not together
people grow apart
but deep down in my heart i will love you forever
you were my first love and heartbreak
i was not the first person you though of in the morning
i dreamt of you every single night
while you thought i was a little more than boring
it hurt to not have you then
but now we are both better off
you are the best lesson
i really did not want to be taught

no concept of the future
live for the
here and now
imagine what could've been
but you can't change the past
so just let it out

i hate to admit it
  but i wish you were dead
i didn't before
  but now i'm absolutely fed
up with the abuse
  cause you break what you can't take
and you already took so much
  yet you're still fueled by hate

  i waited and prayed
  even though i grew impatient
  and i don't believe in your god
i compromised and forgave
someone who never stopped harming me
just to say i gave it a shot

  because my whole life
  you've told me it's my fault
  for not doing everything you asked
i buried myself
and pushed so hard to do it right
even while you held me back

  i was only twelve
  what did you want
  i couldn't figure it out the first time
now i'm an adult
i don't have to do it anymore
yet you still wreak havoc on my life

you take
and what you can't take you break
and i hate to say it
but i wish you would just die
and when i see that day
i'll still cry by your grave
but in a hug where i've buried my face
i'll hide the smallest smile

i'll be happy
we all will
i love you somehow
but you burn everything
and everyone you touch
i'm sick of the draining obligation
that is loving you
be well
but please
for the love of your God
be gone

just because i have issues maintaining my boundaries
didn't mean i needed to treat people like ****
in the moment i felt cornered
so i overcorrected and when
i veer into that territory
of fighting invisible enemies
i let the negativity
get the best of me
i'm sorry i spoke to you like that
i didn't want to it just happened
that's me being honest
not defending my actions
i wanna promise i won't do it again
but i don't wanna lie you see
if you stay i'll try my best
but i understand if you choose to leave

i woke up everyday
feeling bad but going out of my way to feel worse
now i know what you think that i'm worth
i flinch recalling the bite of those words
so much i could say but i don't wanna see you hurt
and i guess that's where we are different

i woke up everyday
unfortunately and tried to push off the thoughts
how could i be wrong
for wanting what everyone does
you keep telling me how i feel
but that wasn't how it was
compromise isn't an ultimatum

i woke up everyday
and all i asked was
to be met with equity
you took all my charity
now you left me
feeling like i was wrong on the deepest level
for ever wanting something more
hearing everything you say
i wake up the same kind of sore

i wake up everyday
and cry sometimes too
because i'm tired of pretending
and i might end up hating you

you said it with no hesitation
you took what was worth it for you
and you left the best parts of me
and told me they meant nothing
stupid stupid stupid

but it's okay
i'll be glad you're gone
when this doesn't hurt so much
it's just that it still hurts so much

want me to show a little a skin
gram by the gram for the gram
lay it all out like spread eagle
kiss your **** and say you're a man
**** all the soft **** that right
catching feelings holding hands
want me to take it all off one by one
if i was real i'd understand

but that's not me
never will be
i like my privacy
i like hiding
i like keeping things lowkey
i don't wanna show my body
i don't wanna be like that
don't wanna arch my back
don't wanna be like all the rest
faking smiles and setting traps
don't wanna go that fast
don't make my life public
just cause you like it
doesn't mean you need to touch it
respect my boundary lines
don't tell me to cut them
they're there for a reason
there cause i want them
you say i don't need them
because you want somethin
gained from me having none
so they're bad by your assumption
don't live to play barbie in your productions
be your star of seduction
my body is more than it makes you feel
i have a higher function
stop trying to push me down
you'll never have your way
i'll bite and scream and scratch and claw
i'll be whatever you want to call
a ***** a snitch a liar a tease
your opinion does not phase me
won't be molded into your princess
or pose and flutter and kneel
would rather die being me
than do something to make you feel

good

the clammer of life
may soothe their busy minds
but utter silence cradles my soul

bitter quiet and empty spaces
are the only things that
make me feel whole

music so loud
my ears beg for mercy
look at the clock
seven minutes till 12:30
bored and isolated
but at least no one can hurt me
if it keeps going on like this
think i might leave early
all of a sudden these people that want my time
and they're not in a hurry
but i'm tired and i want to go home
but i don't think they heard me
i guess i'll shut down now
better to be numb than let myself worry
let the girls gossip in my ear
and the guys take my kindness as flirting
keep it to a minimum
i know they don't like it too wordy
but god knows i can't do this anymore
none these people deserve me
trying to focus their moving lips
but the tears have made my vision blurry
but i'll blink them away for now
but that makes me feel so *****
lying not only to them but also myself
maybe of these people i am not worthy

an image laid before us
but we see different things
you say its beautiful
i find it repulsing
but you like that sort of girl
and you are that kind of guy
i spiral because i dont why
i can't be someone's type
one of these is not like the others
and i am that one
visceral reactions to the lies you love
i can't help but feel undone
i am not like them
i hate the way they make me feel
i dont feel pretty or ****
sometimes i don't even feel real

what do you want
i can give only so much
you ask and i sacrifice
but it's still not enough
i'd give you the truth
but i know you'd hate it
stripping you of your lies
weak and naked
i'd give you some space
but you need my attention
without it you would crumble
validation dependent
i'd give you my opinion
but to you it doesn't matter
but god forbid yours goes unheard
someone will hear about it after
tired of giving a ****
nothing i do seems worthy anyways
i'm giving you my resignation
and i'm giving back your hate

you dont have to love me
i already know
it's always something
out out my control
beyond my power
i'm weak and you're repulsed
want my patience and affection
but can't bear to keep close
which is it now
what's it gonna be
you can't have it all
and be indifferent to me

i gotta know

ah here i go again
losing another friend
i'd feel bad but i know
it's for my benefit

every tear i've cried
has accumulated over time
flooded with the feeling
to wash myself of the grime

of users and opportunists
how'd i let myself come to this
scrubbing away the dirt
only to reveal some nasty bruises

but those will heal eventually
i'll scar over mentally
i'll grow from this
go on to be who i'm meant to be

which is not the embodiment of this pain
not being sore or flawed or ashamed
i'm on my knees right now
but i'll stand tall one day

who isn't?

there never was an expectation
just a hope that you might care
i didn't demand salvation
there were no handcuffs on your chair
cause you have to sit with your actions anyways
i don't need control over anyone else
i just wanted to feel safe
i wasn't even seeking help

now there's ugly words
and blocked aggression
spit on the bridge
i received the message
even in the eleventh hour
i move with discretion
something you wouldn't understand
i burn in convalescence

searching for purpose
in places that make no sense
only reached out
cause you're ****** up again
only want me
cause i'm a safe option
love the version of me in your head
not who i actually am
projecting your esteem issues
to soothe insecurity
i want to help
but i'm not gonna let you decide for me
what you really want
isn't my company
you want acceptance and affection
that i can't give you comfortably

i don't hate you
i hate the waiting
i loathe the seconds
that add to the minutes
we're wasting

i'm filled with dread
when the tic turns to toc
anxiety consuming me
as i count down
eyes glued to the clock

so afraid of missing a moment
i get lost in the passing of time
instead of focusing on
our happiness
i'm eager to protect mine

just watching the numbers grow
as if they're some sort of proof
but those numbers don't mean
a god ****** thing
if they don't involve you

angels
would fall
to wipe your tears
you evil evil boy
i've loved
you for years
you've broken
my heart
what can i do
there is no
greater temptation
than you

why do I need to go away?
you’re everything that is good
yin and yang
night and day
there is bad in the good babe
you were worst promise I ever made
but definitely my best mistake
why do I always choose
the ones that cause the most pain?

same throbbing pain
for three **** days
like you magic bulleted my brain
and then poured it out my face
scrunched up to here
imaginary blood flowing out my ears
no one can see what they don't want to hear
every sound is like a spear
through my skull and through the skin
i can make it through again
it is almost too intense
but i'll have to make it through for them

hurt him to feel something
but he doesn't care
so how can he be hurt

hurt myself to feel something
but i still feel empty
it doesn't work

inflict pain just to feel something
but when i bleed
it doesn't even feel real

just want to feel something
but i just don't know
how to describe how i feel

you leave me for
the flavor of the month
abandon a feast
to chase after a crumb
she tasted so sweet
but only for bit
the sugar coating is gone
she's just a bitter *****
you miss the way i slid down your throat
straight to the stomach
each touch so rich
it's impossible not to want it
remembering just how smooth it was
but now you've lost the power
to have your cake and eat it too
go find another to devour

i feel so good
i feel loose
i feel ready
i feel the need to be used
i feel like satin
wrapped into a noose
i feel like death
glamorized and seduced
i feel a lot
yet i feel reduced
but i feel it can be fixed
if i could feel you

i wasn't prepared for how it feels
to be right in this circumstance
sick to the bottom of my heart
replaying the argument over in my head
when the venom was spewing
it wasn't meant to harm
just to dissuade or persuade one another
to lay down our arms
but the flames have swallowed you whole
another abandoned soul
i want to rewind and change it all
but i have no such control
instead i'm right
and you are suffering
i saw it play out in theory
but seeing it is another thing
i want to spare your pain
but the price is paid
i want to offer reprieve
but there's almost nothing to say
when it is what it is
and what was is set on its course
take the visions away
i don't want to be right anymore

i'm tired of being told i am one thing
then treated like the opposite
i'm bothered by the people around me
acting like i am incompetent
have to be too stupid to see
how they use double meanings
but i understand
i just hope they don't mean it
i wanna be someone's friend
i would try to make myself emotionally available
i would be what you need
be the traits you find favorable
but i won't change it all
but then again who's to say
if changing only a little
doesn't make you fake

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice