i did it to myself
i let you in
i did it to myself
i let you in again
i did it to myself
you broke down the door
i did it to myself
even though i told you no more
i did it to myself
i let it it all go to ****
i did it to myself
blaming myself for initiating it
i did it to myself
because everything is my fault 
i did it to myself 
guilty of it all

the walls are black
and floors are black
the paintings are black
it's all black
except for the ceiling
it's not there
but if you look up
the sky is black too
and if you travel to the end of the universe
you'll find that it's black there too
everywhere you turn
there is only
black

i can't apologize
for loving you
but i can walk away

too bad i'm selfish
and i need you so badly
that its driving me insane

forgive me for staying
i know it doesn't make you happy
seeing me cause myself pain

i hope you know that i know
it's not your fault
i'm the only one to blame

the first thing i forgot was your face
then your voice
and then you
it was for the best so its okay
but i struggle
with what to do
when your laugh plays for my ears again
and i feel
drawn back
too much as happened
couldn't undo the damage
even if we both wanted that
but your happier without me
even if you take your blame
and say nice things
i know that you're happy
that you got away
from me

i don't want to be your lie
but i cant live without your love
go before you make things worse
but not without one last touch
it's all just fun and games
till i let myself get hurt
really thought you meant it
thinking just makes it worse

no one would consider me a baller
i'm not much of a scholar
i only have a single dollar
i jump when i get scared but i don't holler
if i don't wanna talk i can be quite the staller
re people who put up walls called a waller
i clumsy so you could call me a faller
sometimes i wish i was taller
i look bad in shirts with collars
i would hate to be eaten by a machine called a mauler
i still answer the phone even if it says unknown caller

i don't sound like you
with your fancy words
and your smooth tone

i don't think like you
if i did i don't think
i would feel this alone

i don't dream like you
i chose an existence
that is founded on what i know

i don't listen like you
background conversations
send me into overload

i don't you like you
because i am me
and i am my own

a beautiful flower
is meant to be picked
not picked on

a good story
is meant to be heard
not to be hidden

a beautiful girl
is meant to be loved
​not to be broken

it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly

stop asking
you dont want to know
you dont want it
but you won't leave it alone
shaking something fragile
you'll be cut up when i break
you dont want any of this mess
but you ignore everything i say
you want to hear something
you asked me not to feel
can't rely on what if's
and it's never allowed to be real
so where do we go
from this awful place
the need for closure
competes with the plead for space
do you want my kindness
or do you need forgiveness
if i'm immature for my secrets
why are you still showing interest
i tried to keep my heart to myself
so you couldn't tear it up to shreds
still did myself no good
the fog takes up my head
it's easier to forget
and you won't own your end
i just dont know how you expect me
to be okay and be your friend

this is it
what can i do
you stare at me
i stare at you
you look to me
for security
like i can make up
for your lack of maturity
like i can be
the adult in your life
how am i to micromanage yours
when i can't handle mine

i really listen
or at least i try
to be a good friend
to seem better in your eyes
taking all you say to heart
even if it doesn't seem right
telling you that i understand
when you make me cry
when you tell me to snap out of it
i paste on a smile
for every inch you ask of me
i muster up a mile
putting away all my icky thoughts
seeming to be just fine
i give it all, more than all
but somehow i'm left behind
how did all this "back and forth"
become a product of my sacrifice
why don't you every stand up for me
am i just too nice
its hard to imagine that you can't see
the way i'm rotting inside

easy come
easy goes
conceal the pain
before it shows
hide the marks
before he knows
for as easy as they come
they leave so slow

till one day love came to take us
where is something we do not know
she covered our eyes and hushed our lips
and delivered our lonely bones
to this we find ourselves
personal hells

the mess is made and i see it clear
i want it better but i want you here
i'm either doubtful and lonely
or lonely and doubtful
can't make the sun rise on me
everyday feels the same
groundhog day

and i feel bad so i try
but you want that reaction
you dont really want me
you want an idea
an ideal
craving ****** attraction
and i understand
but i just can't

be nothing to help you feel
i fall apart and you leave me to deal
you want an ideal
not the person whose actually real

and that makes me want to die
all the love i have despite
every reason you could think of for me to not
yet i do and all it does is cost
ah

i wonder how she would feel if she knew
about the things you did with me
while you were speaking to us both
i do not have such peace
i lack the bliss
of not knowing how unvalued i was
i would tell the whole world
but i know how it does
cant escape my worthlessness
and even though i never liked her much
i'd never put this feeling on her
let her think she is in love

i can be fine with being open to the possibility
but refused to be tortured by the probability
of whether you're gonna love me back or not

grown comfortable enough with my own fragility
practiced patience to form some sort of independent stability
built a wall around my thoughts

it's so sad
these dreams i have
where i have you
they'll be over soon
but i can't forget
the feeling of your skin
pressed into mine
even though i'm haunted half the time
remembering what i've done
i just regret being young
it's just killing me to have this space
but there's nothing i'm willing to say
to make it change
because what if you just don't feel the same

i don't know if i could take it
i'm this weak
for you
i'm gonna fall back asleep
so i can feel that way again
you're too strong

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice

loose fitting clothing
to hide from the world
built like a woman
but only a girl

they want her body
but she doesn't understand
never even kissed a boy
much less looked at a man

everywhere she goes
they touch and they grab
uptight if she covers up
a ***** when she makes them mad

she is afraid to walk to work
because their calls follow her home
she sure does have a pretty mouth
she's scared to be alone

what did she ever do
to make them want her so bad
she feels so ugly and nasty and disgusting
but most of all she feels sad

but sometimes she forgets
and she somehow feels pretty
dresses all up
and goes out into the city

but sometimes she forgets
and goes on her way
and by the time she remembers
the price will be paid

searching for purpose
in places that make no sense
only reached out
cause you're ****** up again
only want me
cause i'm a safe option
love the version of me in your head
not who i actually am
projecting your esteem issues
to soothe insecurity
i want to help
but i'm not gonna let you decide for me
what you really want
isn't my company
you want acceptance and affection
that i can't give you comfortably

every little flaw
makes me want you more
i'm not afraid of your scars
understanding is not a chore
there might be a situation
but it can be fixed
i know that you're broken
can i assist
i've been shattered too
now i'm just shards and bits
but let's put our pieces together
and see if any of them fit
let love be born of this pain
let me be there in the night
you don't have to do anything
we can just lay there in the quiet
i don't want to hurt you
i don't want to be just like the rest
i know you've got a lot of baggage
lemme hold some for just a sec
i've been exactly where you are
i've walked those very gallows
they take all the light
and now life is a maze of shadows
thinking why walk through it
and get more lost and confused
why live a life
when its guaranteed abuse
and i'll tell you why
because i care
i watched as you died
and i felt your despair
i was there when she left
i held your hand from afar
as you forgot yourself
as you tore yourself apart
with the questions
"why wasn't i enough?"
but you always were
"who am i without us?"
listen to me
listen to reason
don't let them fool you
into thinkin'
that you were wrong
for loving with your whole heart
i see how you try
and i love who you are
let me help you see
the person everyone else adores
with all these open windows
why focus on the closed doors
i know that you've been hurting
i can help treat your wounds
i'm unbothered by the bleeding
but i can respect you
and your boundaries
if you don't want me today
just know that i am here
waiting to ease the pain

waited for a couple hours
spent a couple days
staring at a silent phone
for things you'll never say

a tipped firework
beautiful before you know
it's shooting through your heart
and just way too ******* close

because who wants to be hurt
not me and i guess you're the same
but you can detach in way i can't
you'll always be okay

cause you don't care
so you can't get hurt
i cry on our behalf
you laugh at these words

i'm trying to make sense
i'm trying to clean up the glass
maybe i'm thinking too much
but i can't bring myself to ask

questions i won't like the answers to
not ready to exist without you

but you leave me speechless

angels
would fall
to wipe your tears
you evil evil boy
i've loved
you for years
you've broken
my heart
what can i do
there is no
greater temptation
than you

no no no
i always write
but i can't write no more
can't put myself out there
can't even walk through the door

no no no
i can't cry
i always cry because of what they say
they told me to be stronger
so i have to deal with the pain

no no no
i can't do this
i can't act like i am fine
but they need me to be presentable
so i guess i'm gonna have to make the time

when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did