i've said too much
i emptied the bottle
can't pour it back it in
now that i've spilled it all out
so in the mess i reside
the puddle i've made of my life
i wade knee deep in problems
i've only made worse by opening my mouth

sometimes i wish
my lips would fall off
and my teeth would meld together
and my tongue would wither away
maybe then i could know what it's like
to stay out of my own way

i feel like everyone knows everything
and nothing at all
i think too much
i try to share my thoughts
but they never come out right
so i'm just fighting for my life
and ruining it
all at the same time

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

i'm tired of being told i am one thing
then treated like the opposite
i'm bothered by the people around me
acting like i am incompetent
have to be too stupid to see
how they use double meanings
but i understand
i just hope they don't mean it
i wanna be someone's friend
i would try to make myself emotionally available
i would be what you need
be the traits you find favorable
but i won't change it all
but then again who's to say
if changing only a little
doesn't make you fake

i stare into the mirror
analyzing the view i have of myself
i'm not too bad so someone could love me
but there is nobody else
i'm tired of being lonely
i need a person to be mine
but they don't want me and as i stare
into the mirror i can see why

drunk on a doorstep
how'd i end up here
maybe i shouldn'tve acknowledged
my deepest fears
maybe i shouldn't have said anything
before i was sure how i felt
but i was freaking out
and i needed somebody to tell
and i needed to let it out
and get it off my chest
one thing led to another
you already know the rest
i don't even know i'm saying sorry for
you're the one who made me a joke
you get laughed at once
and suddenly i'm the one being cold
i understand why you don't like it
but frankly i didn't either
i'd say let's call it even
but i can tell by your demeanor
you dont want to hear a word from me
so i'm stuck here confused
if you don't want me to apologize
what else am i supposed to do
because we can't avoid each other forever
we share too much to succeed at that
at the very least i wanna address the issue
even if i can't take it back
so we're not walking around the problem
letting it become bigger than us
to the point it's so ******* awkward
being in your vicinity *****
maybe im being hopeful
but i am dying to work this out
**** can we just be cool
cause you're always gonna be around

youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
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youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyo­uandicantstop

i can do what you say
and complete every task
i can bend to every whim
and answer every question you ask
i can break myself down
to make myself last
i can keep on going
to the point i should be past
done but i'll keep obeying
slow to argue but my work is fast

but even if i do what you say
i'm still me on the inside
nothing changed about who i am
i still feel the way i did last time
my beliefs are solid and i don't
need to argue about making up my own mind
you might own my body for now
but i am the keeper of my own mind
you try to tear me down
but physical pain isn't something i'll be moved by
you try to twist my mental functions
and i admit you are successful sometimes
but i am still strong in my beliefs
even if the life i lead with you is a lie

i can listen
i can clean
i can be silent
i can be what you need
but despite what i do
i will always be me

when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did

**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault

cough up the worst thing you could say
and see how much i care
imagine your personal hell
and dare me to take you there
there used to be feelings
but you shut them down
its hard to "have a heart"
when you cut mine out
blood dripping 
from the gaping hole in my chest
be careful not to slip
on your regrets
because you seem to have come searching 
for belonging
you used to find that with me
before you wronged me
you tossed me aside
when i wasnt easy
you demanded my submission
but never tried to please me
even through that
i stayed loyal
and kept a level head
when my blood began to boil 
but you made your last mistake
and took the last step
the final straw to making sure
i could never forget
and trust me i haven't 
i am still seething 
it is taking all of my will power
to not lunge at where you're seated
and drain the pride from you
like you discarded my purpose
i wonder if you even know what its like
to feel utterly worthless
i could show you
if you want
you seem to want it
with the way you taunt
you abandon me
then return on a whim
to confess that you 
want to be friends
you don't even consider
how i might react
or even thought
that maybe that
i never wanted to see your face again
for as long as i live
what you did
is something tat can not be forgived
i can't be you're friend
or pretend to understand 
you didnt appreciate what i did
so i can't give you who j am
not even in the slightest
because i don't trust you
after you do things like that
you change someone's whole point of view
of you yourself
and even life
so dont pretend
you know what its like
you keep pushing my buttons
to see when i'll crack
but i shed my feelings
when you stabbed me in the back
don't you tempt me
cause i will let you burn
i don't want to but if you dont go
i will show you what it means to hurt

do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend

i don't know what to feel
skipping through varied presentations
from unmatchedly detached
to being suspended in world-bending self realization

jumping realities
like seats on a bus
the one where i mattered
others i wane to discuss

trying to find meaning
where there may be none
assumptions are the extension
of problems i can't outrun

even in my dreams
i'm turning on the spit
no repose from settling finalities
mulling us over until we're but its and bits

but i'm still breathing
but i'm still bleeding
day after day
belonging is fleeting

maybe i'll rubberband into a new normal
or maybe i'll snap trying
all i know is i can't just be here doing nothing
it almost feels like dying

i don't know what to feel
it's foolish to speak out of frustration
but the lonelier i am, the scarier it gets
is it wrong to hope i'm not invisible in my devastation

   𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐡!
my fairweather friends are calling
i'll just let the phone ring and ring and ring
i'm too tired to be Me™
when everything is not what it seems
  genuity don't mean a thing
  did it ever really
  was it nothing more than pity
  off to make some other history
     would you claim this as a victory
     are my questions falling worthlesssly on deaf ears
     i never want to see you again
     and i wish you were here







uiɐɓɐ sɐʍ ʇi ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ǝq ɹǝʌǝu uɐɔ ʇi

you never even liked me
i'm coming to terms with that
i am still deciding
whether i am hurt or if i'm mad
ruined my outlook to put it politely
with lazy lies and takebacks
stupid **** to spite me
cause you're triggered by the facts

if everything i say is true
then the problem must be you
can't stand for that
no way
four point back
for shame

you're so quick to blame others
when you make a mistake
nine times out of ten
what you broke was easy to replace
in your fight to be right you lose sight
of who helped you in the first place


at first it was exciting
until we fell out of step
you were out here fraternizing
getting comfy with my bullies and my ex
even had the ***** to invite me
then seemed suprised i was upset
almost like it was sacrificing
to give me minimal respect

lately i don't find it much surprising
when it comes to how scummy you'd get
it's impressive how calm you are when lying
almost like you really do miss me being your friend
don't antagonize me
it's funny that now you save your breath
cause i saw right through that crying
it's hard to not resent myself
for allowing you to undermine me

you don't want this
you don't want me
your words are lies
i can't compete
she's so beautiful
that my eyes bleed
it's just no use
can't you see
you dont have to pretend
i understand
don't come close
watch where you stand
i mistake friendship for love
so i can't hold your hand
this isn't what you want
leave while you can
i'll love you when you're gone
don't mind my crying
i know my place in your life
don't try to make it better by lying
you kiss me in the dark
so you dont have to see how i'm dying
this connection is killing me
my circuits are frying
as much as i know i need it
my heart can't take anymore
half of me wants to be with you
and the other half is already out the door
even if yours is the best
it cant go on like it has before
the highs are so ******* good
but this next time i know i will die right here on this hotel floor
yes you say the words
but i hear i hear it in your tone
i'm gonna leave you first
if i have to be alone
i know you love her more
though you tell me not to go
i dont want to be your lie
no more waiting myself to a pile of bones

why engage
in confrontation
when it will
do me no good
i'll burn that bridge
when i get to it
for now i'll just
avoid that neck of the woods

so many rigid walls
blocking my way
too many unhealthy thoughts
clogging my brain
all of these people
telling me it's too late
nobody understands
the extent of my pain
they all say it gets better
and that i'll be okay
they tell me to hold on
like i haven't tried
keep telling me to breathe
as they close in on all sides
tell me to come out of the darkness
as they burn me with their lights
keep telling telling telling
but i don't want their advice
but i'm stuck and i'm lost
and so ******* confused
so wrapped up in my feelings
i could never fathom what to do
about all of these problems
that somehow all lead back to you
it was not a what that was hurting me
but it took too long to figure out who
i blamed homework and school
i blamed work and sleep
i blamed existence and life
i blamed everything
but i never blamed you
eventually i even blamed me
never thought that you would hurt me
but i guess that i'm still learning

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

i'll never be healthy
if i continue
monetarily
emotionally
boundlessly
supporting these people
no matter mow much i love them
it makes me want to die
that i have to watch them
suffer to then
repeat these cycles
and bring more lives into it
the world feels like such a miserable place to me
i know there's happiness out there that exists
in some shape or form
but i don't feel like it's going to find me
unless i let go of everything i love and know
but if i do that
i wont have anything to hold onto

do i just float away at that point?

if i set myself on fire
i would die knowing i gave and i gave
but it'd be all for nothing
cause nothing might ever change

empty highway
crowded mind
needed some space
went for a drive
music loud
on a quiet night
it's just how it is
getting used to life

but at what point do i acknowledge
how crazy things have gotten
how far do i let my thoughts roam
before i have to stop them
i wanna do the right thing
but there's not many options

broken white lines
boundaries i can cross
walls i couldn't climb
cliffs i fell off
know i'm going too fast
but it's too late to stop
running out of gas
in the middle of a thought

what's stopping me from crashing into
the next light pole i see
the universe already proved
no one cares what happens to me
if there's no redemption
what the point in suffering

no traffic this late
good to feel alone
i only feel comfortable crying
on my own
it's getting harder and harder
to focus on the road
i feel more in control
the faster i go

which seems kind of backwards
but it makes enough sense
i don't think i've felt okay
since i was a kid
but i'll pretend it's okay
so i don't lose my wits

brake seems to be broken
but i couldn't care less
always know i was gonna
end in a wreck
nobody is gonna
clean up my mess
honestly it feels like
it's all for the best

and i know it's wrong to think that way
but i'm tired of fighting the tide
tired of denying the way
i feel deep inside
i'm sorry but this is the truth
i tried to hide

wheel starts slipping
struggling to care
losing my grip
high beams glare
into the void of night
life isn't fair
no destination
i'll let them wonder where

just like that
it's over
will likely never
get any closure
you keep
avoiding my calls
mystery remains
unsolved

confused
as to what to do
shouldn'tve
depended on you
but i did
and now i am ******
somehow
i'm never enough

to hold you eyes
or know your plans
close my eyes
remember your hands
nothing will make me
understand
youre never gonna care
to know who i am

i miss you
like an old friend
troubled trying to
comprehend
how it was never
how i felt it was
only explanation you give
is just because

you let me
hang myself with dreams
you were fine with how
it all seemed
when you benefitted
from knowing me
now it's a lie
no mystery

panic like quicksand
sink before i even know
to fight whats happening to me
to fight for my soul
i'm not even myself anymore
too overstimulated
to feel the whips that crack on my skin
can't hold my concentration
i'm just so sad
outside of myself right now
the more i try to hold it all in
the more it starts bleeding out
i'm just too many things at once
and i just wanna be okay
i wanna go back and fix it somehow
but i know there just isn't a way

the more i learn
the less i know

do you love me
is it all for show

burning questions
answers i need

too many lies
between you and me

who approached who
do you like her better

was it more enjoyable
then when we were together

what was she wearing
was it tight or seductively loose

just out of curiosity
does she wear name brand perfume

tell me what it is
what is that thing she has

the thing that made you want her
the thing that i don't have

why do you keep saying
that you never loved her

if anything it honestly
makes me feel worse

because if all it took
was those **** me eyes

do you really love me
or are you selling more lies

a beautiful flower
is meant to be picked
not picked on

a good story
is meant to be heard
not to be hidden

a beautiful girl
is meant to be loved
​not to be broken

i would get anxious
but at this point it wouldn't be worth the price
my body is tired
and my mind is balancing
on the edge of a knife

i would get worried
and overwhelm myself with the details
but i know that won't change anything
so i'll just take a deep breath
and exhale

i really am drained
but there's this nagging persistence
to freak out and be manic
and focus on the little things
but i'm too tired to go along with it

i just don't care
life is just a word
my feelings
have melted
so i can be unhurt

it's so sad
these dreams i have
where i have you
they'll be over soon
but i can't forget
the feeling of your skin
pressed into mine
even though i'm haunted half the time
remembering what i've done
i just regret being young
it's just killing me to have this space
but there's nothing i'm willing to say
to make it change
because what if you just don't feel the same

i don't know if i could take it
i'm this weak
for you
i'm gonna fall back asleep
so i can feel that way again
you're too strong