loneliness breezes in in the morning
             anxiety shuffles in right about noon
                          depression is quite fitting in the dead of night
                                       denial coming up soon

small minded boy
whose seen the city
think your so cool
but you cant bear to be alone

i see right through you
that ego is just the surface
there's nothing underneath
the wind whistles through your soul

Sometimes I look up
And the sky is not there
I try to breathe
But there is no air
They’ve taken it away
Everything I have
Dimensional and Complex
Now shallow and flat
Deflated and lost

Hurt and confused
I put all of this
Trust in you
Why do you do this
Why do I try?
You never tell the truth
But you never really lie
So I can’t be mad
But I am not happy
Who would’ve known
I’d react this badly?

Why don’t you love me?
Why don’t you care?
I pull myself to pieces
I always compare
Myself to these girls
That you lust for and seek
I change myself countless times
So you will notice me

And when I pull back
You never understand
You want to make it better
But you’re the reason it got out of hand

And I want to hug you back
But I want to break you down
And I want to accept this for what it is
But I want to push you to the ground

I hate you
But I hate me more
I hate everything around me
But I can’t disappoint you like before

I have to stay happy
And kind and sweet
Even though these things you do
Stab and sting
And take all the will
And the patience I saved
For this avoided but imminent
Rainy day
I brought my umbrella
But the wind took it away with a gust
I want be honest
But don’t want to break trust
And I need for someone to love me
To fill up this hole
In my heart, In my purpose for living,
In my spirit and soul
I need someone to tell me
That I’m not ******* insane
Someone that sees things like me
Who gets the choices I make
And the ones that I don’t

I’m stuck in my mind
Let me out, PLEASE
Nothing heals better than time

Until it doesn’t
And it is useless
I am ******* stupid
I can’t do this

I’m a liar
You don’t know me
I’m a liar
But I am lonely
So please please please
Just hold me, hold me
So please, pretty please,
Just hold me closely
I’m cold and afraid
But you are so cozy
Ow STOP
It’s burning, It’s burning
You’re hurting me, STOP
Why do you hurt me
Why do lie
Why are you turning
Into a monster
The tables are turning

Let me go
I don’t have to
let you do this
But I am stupid
I can not do this
I hold you closely
As you julienne my spine
Pulling the knives
out every time you leave
Just a canvas of
scars developed over time

But you don’t care
Or maybe you do
I’m lonely and scarred
I’m confused
Cause you do these things
That show you care
Then pull back or you lie
And our bond disappears
Then I can’t actually talk to you
And say what I mean
My stepmom is in the other room
So I’m holding back, but I just want to scream
I want to cry
And make you feel this way
Want to shake the sense into you
Make you understand this pain

Of being so close
Yet being held back so far
Of thinking you know who someone is
Just to find out who they really are

Why don’t you love me?
Why am I not enough?
I’ve given all I can
And I don’t think I’ll ever experience love

I can’t even touch another person
Without feeling disgusted
But I’m too nice or too in denial
To discuss it

But when touch finally meant something good
I learned it wasn’t special
While I might mean something to you
I am part of the several

I’m not unique
I am only another
Person in line
Why even bother
To entertain me
And my wishful thoughts
Unless you are evil
And my tears get you off

You are so stupid
Do you see what you’ve done?
What you said you would be
Versus what you’ve become
I keep trying to tell you
But the words get stuck
In the back of my throat
So silence will have to be enough
But you want substance so I pour out my heart
And you act like you comprehend
You wouldn’t just accept me because I am me
If you were my friend

I am so empty
I can’t imagine myself
In a place of acceptance
Can’t remember hoping for anything else

Stuck in a cycle of loathing you
And needing your company
I keep pushing you away
But I need you to love me

Love me
Love
Me
Tell me you love
Me
I need to hear
How much you want
Me
First priority
Second to
Nobody
Push and pull
Till you see you’ve undone
Me
Too afraid to accept what you’ve
done
So you don’t confront me
You lie, You pretend
Try to act like its
Funny

You made me fall, and now I’m crashing
And you just want to hug me?
You made me walk through fire
Just so you could put it bluntly
You let me burn all of those bridges
Even though you knew you weren’t running
You should’ve just killed me then
I hate when your lies punch me
And bruise me, And you stories hurt me,
and your  change of heart stuns me
I should’ve known better
That is why they judge me

You say they don’t matter
But you steady stay on their side
You always give them
A chance to prove they’re right
Listen to their reasons
And then throw the fight
Always putting me last
To make sure she doesn’t cry
Throwing me under the bus
Countless times
Acting like I did you wrong
Because I pointed out your lies
I can’t stand this anymore
So I’m sitting down and letting out a sigh
And taking all these hits
To keep you in my life
But would you go through this for me?
Am I even worthy in your eyes?
I must be nothing to you
Because you never see how you make me flat line

do you not see?
do you ever notice me?
can you tell when i can’t breathe
do you even understand
the capacity
of your actions and the way they control the world around me?
are you blind
or are you dense
common sense
intelligence
practicality
experience
i don’t understand
don’t comprehend
are you blind?
must i remind
you of all the times
i gave what i didn’t have
just to hear you call yourself mine
and then in the end
you take it all back
like i was the one who surprised
you with all this love ****
i waited to say it back
cause i didn’t want it to be a lie
your cloying lips just let it fall
into my hands
when “i love you” meant nothing at the time

so don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

man you're gorgeous
got me slipping on my words
so beautiful that not being with you
physically hurts

something tells me
that you can't tell the difference
between the real me
and the fake me

if you can't
that's not my fault
but don't say that
you hate me

you can't hate
what you don't know
if that makes you mad
then blame me

my logic triumphs
your misunderstandings
and it makes you cry
like a baby

there's so many stars up there
i wanna ask questions but i'm too scared
that you won't care
or i'll just be talking too much

too many too count but still i try
almost as many thoughts in my mind
there would never be enough time
to tell you how it really was

but when the symphony begins to play
for a moment everything feels okay
you may have dropped my hand
but i don't register the pain

i'm exploring all the ways this could go
the words i almost had crawl back down my throat
you dont need to worry about me anymore
i'll never have the answers when there's so much to know

the drop of a hand
the spoiling of plans
trying to understand
how unfounded i am
how reckless i became
the risks barely scaped
how i find myself in shame
how i'm the one to blame
for the loss incurred
i swallowed your burs
and weathered your worst
even drew blessings from a dying curse

but now it's my turn
my lips have been pursed
and it's a poor choice of words
but i've had it worse
not to compete in the slightest
or to complain or rescind kindness
but in recovery from my blindness
and a surfeit of your highness
i call forward to motion
my efforts and devotion
the letdown of vows found broken
the swelling and tender underbelly of emotion

that which you carved with relish and concentration
channeling something much deeper and primal than hatred
an appetite darker yet related or fairly adjacent
drawing up the last of my fading patience
flicking the needle but being careful not to waste it
and i smiled in wan vacantly complacent
unaware of the future rapidly reshaping
nothing i could do but plant myself to brace it
coming face to face with my very own replacement
coming to terms with such a draining arrangement
that ****** up my mental but you don't want to claim it
i still grieve for you but i don't want say it

with the blink of an eye
you made a different life
didnt even try to fight
barely even said goodbye

that hurts me more than i wish it did
but i guess i gotta live with it
bury my stake in the high road and draft my penance
what crossed your mind when you called it good riddance
i'm so confused then abused by your ruthless decisions
you cared about me until you just didn't
recanted before i crashed out but wouldn't admit it
you waited until you found something to pin it
on me so you could move on without feeling like a villain
the last of your efforts just costumed resentment
taking an early check out on a solemn commitment

i prayed everyday not knowing
my hopes were sisyphean
i broke my jaw and choked on my tongue
and suffocated when i grew tired of screaming

might have bowed out so regretless
to maintain a clear conscience never to consider
carrying yourself with such faithlessness
won't leave you feeling very chipper
and one day if it wasn't worth it
and you see my name hiding in your coffee mug bitters
the universe would be playing a cruel joke on you
it's quite uncouth to become a belated gravedigger

got here so fast
ain't that crazy
i can't even imagine

but when i take into account
how long i've been doing this
i feel like there should've been
this bigger reaction

but i'm here
with my hundredth poem online
and honestly i am not feeling all too much passion

tomorrow is a new day
for a new poem
a new feeling
a new attraction

can't put too much pressure
on myself
anxiety is my worst distraction

so let's go pen
one hundred one
and end this before it loses
traction

strangers indifferent
to the others existence
brought you together
regret that decision
you forget who i was
pick at who i am
push me to the edge
off making 'better friends'
made for each other
all the toxicities align
better you block you own opportunities
than keep ******* with mine

migraine
inside my brain
there’s a kaleidoscope of pain

suffer
hurts so much i see different colors
so bright i can’t see the others

words
drowned out so they cant be heard
can't focus on anything but the hurt

drained
i am too tired to play
no more pills to save the day

all you want is promises
you dont want reality
truth is you could have it all
and you still wouldn't be happy

all you want is promises
but i need to stay honest
so i won't make one to you
my promise to myself is strongest

horrific manifestations
stuff i never want to come true
pushing myself through the monotony
never losing track of you
i'm just so far that i know
it's easy to forget how much i care
i'm worried about the things you might do
when i'm unable to be there
imagined getting the call right then
and when my phone rang i began to cry
it was just another telemarketer
but it was too real in that moment in time
imagining a world without you
broken as it is
your absence so unfillable
no way to make amends
i don't wanna have any regrets
and you're right when you say i'm wasting time
i know if i lost you today
i'd wish i'd have taken fifty flights
just to see you once
but i'm trying to not let the intrusive thoughts win
even though i can feel you fading away
a horrid paranoia sets in
please don't do this to me
i knows its not about me but i'm just afraid
i already lost him i don't wanna lose you
on the last leg of my faith

jagged illustrations
silent film
predestinations
oft fulfilled
split decisions
we just don't grasp
their lasting effects
coupled with the weight of the past
getting ahead of ourselves
or is it just me
simples pleasures spoilt
cause i can't not overthink

that kindness i'd extended
withdrawn
i hoped you'd be different
i hoped wrong
you dont know what you want
dragging this on
want me soft enough to crush
want me easy and gone
i dont care at all
but i still do
tell myself
i dont want to hear from you
but there's nothing wrong
with the truth
a small part of me wishes
you're wishing too
struggling with accepting
that i'm not wrong feeling these ways
the highs of intimacy
and the confusion of space
wanting all the beautiful things
strewn about my brain
quite far from reality
but it's an addicting escape
from the depressing finalities
set in stone
i listen to logic
but i also don't know
it all makes sense
but i still don't
want it to end
but i won't stop you though

i took all of my chances
and its your turn to walk off the ledge
backwards
and blindfolded
just trusting me to catch you
and who knows
maybe i just would
or maybe you'd fall into the same trap
but you'll never find out
because you don't find me worthy of such
probability

we are not friends anymore
we can't get along
someone has to be right
and i'm definitely not in the wrong
you seem to be surprised
that i've finally moved on
just because i don't give up easily
doesn't mean i'm afraid to see you gone

do you not see?
do you ever notice me?
can you tell when i can’t breathe?
do you even understand
the capacity
of your actions and the way they control the world around me?
are you blind
or are you dense?
common sense
intelligence
practicality
experience
i don’t understand
don’t comprehend
are you blind?
must i remind
you of all the times
i gave what i didn’t have
just to hear you call yourself mine
and then in the end
you take it all back
like i was the one who surprised
you with all this love ****
i waited to say it back
cause i didn’t want it to be a lie
your cloying lips just let it fall
into my hands
when “i love you” meant nothing at the time

taking a test
but i'm not aware
i'll do my best

all these choices
is there a wrong answer
i should be avoiding

pick me pick me
incorrect FAIL
i need to study

taking a test
i'm not aware
but i'll make a guess

gotta be patient
gotta be nice
gotta keep it all pretty and short
gotta stay out the way
gotta listen better
gotta always do just a little but more
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta keep my eyes of the door
gotta act like i wanna be here
gotta make them believe me
gotta or it'll be like before

i realized i didn't need permission
to move on
or have to wait for forgiviness
when i did nothing wrong
except for being young
and having trust
in people who i should've denied
i spent months
trying to pick the pieces up
dust to dust
until i realized i never really needed your love

i cared for a while
for years
i was stout in denial
and watched my deepest fears
come to life one by one
everyone had their fun
tearing me down at my weakest
like i didn't try hard enough
like i deserved to feel so scuffed
i'd never hurt this much

and i've never felt this bad
or since
it all just tore me right in half
and where were my 'friends'
while i mourned myself
i needed help
you saw the moment as a chance
to cleanse yourself
i didn't want anything else
but of course you still brought me hell

and now you hate me
for walking away
i can still hear you complaining
because my existence must have caused you so much pain
remind me again
how i dont know what i said
that i'm awful and deplorable
i forget the rest

i'm ******* glad i left

i hate men
i didn't say all
so before you try to patronize me
let me actually talk
i hate men
i never said all
but you know the ones i mean
a majority evading fault

i hate when i have to prove myself
when i've bent over backwards to please
my grace and wit dismissed
i'm supposed to laugh when they harrass me
when i report
i'm a tease
or i'm a *****
or i don't get how the joke was funny
the ***** gallery wants to chip in
keep the two cents
i don't need the nuisance
or the blatant violation
***** in my mouth
when you act like i'm just some doll to play with

i just want someone to need me
like i need them
like we're so intertwined that they'd suffocate
if i forgot to breathe in
i know its unhealthy to love to that capacity
but i can't fight my addiction
i love so deeply that it's hard to understand
why i don't complete them
the way they complete me
i fall too hard
and i bruise my knees
i become infatuated
with the fantasy
i lose myself in
the possibilities
i see where we could go
i buy into the dream
if i can't have you in my waking life
i sell my soul to sleep
a slave to the idea that is you
not wanting to be free
so lost in the way you make me feel
it doesn't occur to me
that you don't love me back
and when i find out i forget who i am
or who i was
before i held your reluctant hand
thinking why don't you love me
i don't understand
what can i do when
i've done everything i can
or everything i thought could make you love me
seeing our "love" as a mountain when it was only a single grain of sand

not good enough
for me
or for you
don't say
i'm being silly
you know its true

cause if she's a five
what am i
close my eyes
try not to cry

because i don't
think this is what
you're trying to do
when i don't wanna
be myself
you'll be confused

but you don't get it
so just forget it
already did it
too late to fix it

cause the things
you say manage
to hurt
when i'm in
front of the mirror
i hear the words

they never leave me be
feed my insecurities
i hate having to be me
sorry for what you have to see

i live everyday
feeling you're much more
than i deserve
but i feel like
out of your choices
i'm nowhere near first

praying to a god
i'm not sure exists
asking for the answers
to the questions that persist
because i know what it means
to feel like i cant be fixed
like regardless of how hard i try
something's amiss
what did i do to
deserve all of this
i know that i am strong
but i am tired of proving it

lately it's almost like
i am losing my hold
though i've never had a grip
i had some control
but now i'm slipping
and i'm afraid to know
the consequences of my actions
what happens when you don't let go

realizations hit me
reacting too quickly
it's like the good endings skip me
each new outcome is sickening
i don't want to be a pick me
but i just want someone to pick me

taking a step back
but it didn't help that much
i have to leave this existence
and that distance might still not be enough
but for now i just feel coughed up
all my edges rough
underneath all of my negativity
i swear there is love

it's just when all the realizations hit me
i spin out and react too quickly
my best intentions now feel dingy
i just wanted someone with me
but in my mission for someone to pick me
my own image has become almost sickening
not too far gone
but nearly lost
hate to loathe
it always leads to seeming alone

even if i wish i could receive my own effort in return
that's not what it's all about
i should be a better person by now

at your insistence
i'll maintain my distance
cause you say it's better off this way

but suppose there was an instance
where we could both be consistent
would you wanna stay

the dynamic keeps switchin'
everyday you feel different
i'm trying to respect the change

know you've been resistant
your motivation to try nonexistent
guess i just wanna hear you say

you miss me pushing you're limits
i can't stop reminiscin'
about you everyday

no one reaches out
my line stays dry
i don't reach out either
because i've already tried
nothing comes of it
it all ends as fast it starts
i'm tired of people trying to change me
i'm tired of nursing a broken heart

so i don't reach out
and neither do they
empty inboxes
haunt me all day
the messages that come
are desperate or bored
i'm dying for interaction
but i know better than before

the one time i replied
he tried to use me
to try and manipulate me
is the best way to lose me
so i ghosted him
and left him on read
turned off my phone
and went to bed

I NEED CONVERSATION AND STIMULATION
I NEED MORE THAN DESPERATION
MY DREAMS ARE BEYOND X RATED
I'M MORE FUN WHEN I'M THINKING
GIVE ME WORDS WORTH READING
SAY SOMETHING WITH ACTUAL MEANING

i sift through the gibberish
in search of food for thought
i am not here to make you feel better
nor to get you off

i just wish someone would hear me
my throat is raw from screaming
WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE
why is happiness so fleeting

but all they want
is for me to fill a role
either to take my virtue
or save my soul

why
why
why
why
why

i just want to talk to someone
and tell the truth for once

time keeps passing
i look back
and i'm like wow
i got this far
but in that moment
this moment
felt so far away
but now i am here
dreaming of the future
of the moment
that will turn
this moment
into that moment
and i can barely breathe


                                                       ­                                                          i'm
                                                                ­                                           almost
                                                                ­                                              there

i am fat
and that is okay
i'll mind my sandwich
and look the other way

don't care about your drama when i could be enjoying some cake

i am fat
i'm gonna eat what i want
but it's okay
it all goes straight to my ****

aren't big butts the new craze anyways?

i am fat
but the most important part
is that you know food
is the key to my heart

buy me some pizza and it'd make my day

i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too