but why
must i
be everything
i don't
but i try
and it leaves me
feeling like nothing
i want him to see me
as something i'm not
i want them to like me
but i'm too tired to lie
and i tried already
i want to be good
but i make mistakes
i hurt people
and say horrible things
lying at night
thinking
how awful i am
just awful
i'm tired
and i don't wanna argue
or ruin your good time
i just feel bad
and there's nothing i can do
so there's nothing you can do
don't worry
it'll be like this forever

it's always gonna be something with me
at least that's how it feels
why can't i get over myself
it can't possibly be that hard to heal
first i want loyalty
but that's asking too much
how dare i have expectations
who even gives a ****
then i want patience
and love and support
it's silly to think
i want for even more
i am dying to be consoled
and to look into someone's eyes
and believe them when they say i'm not horrid
rather than expecting it all to be a lie

so the world says ******* to me
for wishing with all my heart
it took a bond i cherished
and shredded it apart

now i'm even needier
i barely even function
every memory stings
it takes an ocean of tears to numb them
the act of betrayal is so severe
i shut down on sight
i need you to be who i thought you were
i need it to be a lie
i need i need i need i need
i need to come to terms
it's all wrong, change it back
but that's just not how it works

i need an explanation
what did i do wrong
tell me what i can fix
show me how to move on
you seem fine
you dont look back
you're happy without me
you never crack
that positivity of yours
is omnipresent
i thought you would miss me
or at least regret it

i need to yell at you
i need to make you understand
how this all boils down
to me questioning who i am
am i a friend
am i the enemy
will i lash out
will i show sympathy
i don't know
i never thought it'd come to this
i trusted you
so i guess it's what i get

i need a sorry
i need to hear the catch in your voice
i need to know you didn't mean it
hear you acknowledge that you made the wrong choice
but i'm afraid i'll disclose
and you won't even blink
what if you never cared
and you never needed me
the way i need you
even in this moment
i'm attached
and everybody knows it

i got my sorry
i felt it in the way you spoke
you never meant to hurt me
you never intended to ghost
but you didn't know what to say
or how to not make it worse
you look back at what you did
and you're disgusted by your words
i know you have learned better
and that gives me peace of mind
but as relieving as this is
something still doesn't feel right

i stay up the whole night
rereading what you said
i cant believe it happened
i'm paralyzed in my bed
laying in a crumple
in a drying puddle of tears
the apology echoes off the walls of my mind
as i go back a couple years
and remember when we  first met
to when i thought you were perfect
then realizing you weren't
****** into the current
of recalling the old us
and comparing them to the new
i have changed tremendously
and i needed to learn you did too

but still when i close my eyes
i feel unstable and ugly
every little thing haunts me
i thought you could trust me
i thought i could trust you
and it's not that i don't now
i just can't shake the feeling
of self-doubt when you're around

i need a sorry
and i got it
forgiven
but not forgotten
in fact i've been haunted
by that stupid conversation
i tried to rush the process of healing
i thought i was being patient
i thought i could just go back to normal
just hug you and say hi in the halls
but i feel so ugly in my skin still
and i hate to admit i think it's your fault
i thought i could trust you
i think one day i might
for now i'm gonna try
but its gonna take some time
and i know it's just a saying
and i'm not trying to burden you with guilt
but i think i'm realizing once the trust is gone
it takes a life time to rebuild

i know that you're using my fear of change
to abuse me
and for the longest time i didn't even
wanna leave
with the full knowledge you don't love me
you just can't
get a better deal than this so you exploit me
in every way you can
but now it's past a point of physical pain
or neglect
you say what you want
blatant disrespect
kick me while i'm down
but you didn't have to spit
now i've got no other choice
but to up and quit

uncertainty
regret
i don't
know best
i just knew
that i was in pain
i did what i thought
would make me feel okay
i don't even
feel like myself
i dont even
deserve your help

i'd say sorry
but i don't know if you'd care
and if you did
that'd break my heart