so i got diagnosed
with hashimoto's
a couple of weaks ago
and some of the symptoms are:
- unexplained mood swings
- fatigue
- depression

well DUH
i knew all that already
only thing to do now is..
umm...
sooo
thryoid gland
what's good?

picking the flowers on the edge of my dress
pretending i'm not nervous
everyone sees what they want to
feeling lopsided and missing curfew
wanna leave before they try to find me
but why should i be the one hiding
when all i ever did was be myself
and i still don't understand why that bothered anyone else
i'll just keep sinking into the bleachers
as kids sneak drinks past teachers
knowing i'm never gonna be one of them
remembering when we used to be friends
and understanding that doesn't matter now
i'm tired and regretting ever coming out

do you not see?
do you ever notice me?
can you tell when i can’t breathe?
do you even understand
the capacity
of your actions and the way they control the world around me?
are you blind
or are you dense?
common sense
intelligence
practicality
experience
i don’t understand
don’t comprehend
are you blind?
must i remind
you of all the times
i gave what i didn’t have
just to hear you call yourself mine
and then in the end
you take it all back
like i was the one who surprised
you with all this love ****
i waited to say it back
cause i didn’t want it to be a lie
your cloying lips just let it fall
into my hands
when “i love you” meant nothing at the time

now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

everything reminds me of something else
i'm always missing somebody or some time
it's so easy to fill the empty spaces
with your sunken face

it's true when they say time is not your friend
that you got to love them while they're still here
you think you have forever
endless chances to be together

until you get the call or find out through the others
when's the last time you remembered to say i love you
now i'm always afraid to forget what's most important
to the point that my peace has become thwarted

and i don't know where youre buried
and i won't ask any questions to those who might know more
because i'm probably low on the list of those grieving
though my threshold for loss is teeming

i won't stop remembering you
even though it would easier to call it and cut my losses
i couldn't even if i wanted to
how could anyone forget about you

you say i'm not a burden
but i see you don't want my company
don't tell me not to feel insecure
when you obviously wanna leave
i feel too uncomfortable
to stand here as you wish to be
somewhere else with somebody else
that you enjoy more than me
i get it i do
just dont make it worse
your ****** expression
contradicts your words
i feel unwanted
so why shouldn't i desert
your body language is enough
to tell me to hit the curb
but you swear that its fine
for me to hang around
finally you convince me
i ignore my doubts
sending good vibes
and trying to fit in with your crowd
still all i feel is invisible
and always get left out
what did i expect
not a welcome parade
i just thought since you promised
i wouldn't have to be afraid
but as soon as i came in
you wandered away
and relief pours over your body
after you lose my face
in the group of people
that all hate my guts
they think i'm emotional
and see you're my crutch
they laugh at me as i fall over myself
and say what a clutz
i guess i deserve it
since i trusted you so much
still it stings and it burns
they laugh as i weep
you watch and do nothing
either in agreeance or because you're weak
i should've just not showed up
or let you make me believe
that you actually wanted my friendship
when you just felt pity

ideas
i have them
on occasion
i guess they are all right

but
sometimes
i wish that
they weren't in my mind

mine
aren't simple
they expand
into something i can't fight

they
aren't what's
considered
healthy under any light

might as well
                          hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
                                                                                 die.

you were my hero
now you're the sight
at which i flinch

you tossed the match
that charred away
our bridge

ugly stupid fat
digusting pig
lying stealing *****

your words echoed in my mind
till i carved them
into my skin

are you happy now
that i've just decided 
to let you win

because with you
there is no such thing
as an argument 

only you screaming 
and "scaring" me
till i give in

since you had it
"so much worse"
my pain is null by your definition 

i'm just too weak
i'm the bane
of your existence 

sorry i was born
and ruined your life
by not keeping my heart hidden

migraine
inside my brain
there’s a kaleidoscope of pain

suffer
hurts so much i see different colors
so bright i can’t see the others

words
drowned out so they cant be heard
can't focus on anything but the hurt

drained
i am too tired to play
no more pills to save the day

we are not friends anymore
we can't get along
someone has to be right
and i'm definitely not in the wrong
you seem to be surprised
that i've finally moved on
just because i don't give up easily
doesn't mean i'm afraid to see you gone

creeping 
lurking
sneaky
hurting
burn 
in hell
hate
yourself
disgusting
monster
the sin
you fostered 
you ******
****
hope you get
flattened by a truck
and die 
a slow death
i hope you're afraid
when you draw your last breath
i hope the world
grinds you down
i dream you'll fall off a bridge
and drown
i imagine peeling
back your face
then shredding it
and throwing it in a fire place
while your raw face
bleeds
it looks on 
and sees
the face of a villain
turned to ash
you better NEVER EVER ******* EVER
come back
you are repulsive
you're senile and bleak
you were never strong
you preyed on the weak
i wish you would 
just die
avoid the consequences you *****
commit suicide
do us all a favor
do yourself in
you're a useless abuser
pay for your sins
look what you've done
utter devastation 
continued this narrative
bleeding through each generation 
it stops here with me
as i break the cycle
you destroyed so many dreams
and broke so many smiles
so as your burn 
down below
i hope that you know
i smile at the
thought
of your eyelids
burning off
and your eyeballs
liquifying
no one is sad
that you're dying
celebrations 
will ensue
the day we are finally
without you

i hope you die the most lonely, painful, and excruciating way possible and that you know that this has been what i've wished for a long time and that you will be forgotten. 

no one loves you.

burn in hell you disgusting repulsive weak man.

schedule conflicts
and distance
indeed you are far far away
even though the world moves on
i won't let that change
the fact that i care
know that i'm there
as soon as you call
and if i'm not
know it's not your fault
because even when i'm busy
thoughts of you are with me
because i love and miss you dearly
so listen closely
i need you to hear me
i know the days are hard
and the nights get dark
but your thoughts are even darker
and sometimes people make it worse
and them trying to help makes it harder
because you question every decision
those tears start to blur your vision
you hate yourself for not being perfect
you feel like you cant fix anything
you tell yourself you're worthless
and when they try to say
otherwise it doesnt penetrate
you still feel shattered
if they bring it up again
you say it doesn't matter
but i want you to know
in case it doesn't show
IT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO ME
i love you and if i didn't have you
you don't know how lost i would be
a world without your smile
wouldn't be worthwhile
i swear it from the depths of my soul
but i understand how
disappointment can take its toll
i'm sorry that i've haven't been around
and that those other people let you down
you deserve so much more
i should've done something earlier
or said this before
i'm not telling you to be okay
i can't tell you to ignore the way
your heart feels and just move on
**** anyone who tells you to ignore your feelings
they are so so wrong
we all doubt ourselves at times
it's normal, it's growth, it's alright
don't feel embarrassed for being yourself
even if it is you
comparing you to everyone else
but i will tell you
that i hate to
see you treat yourself so bad
you are so ******* amazing
i hope you know that
it hurts me to see you cry
it kills me to watch you recite
those ugly words into a mirror
when i see you post those things
i wish i could pull you near
and tell you all these things
i forget to say but always think
so here it is all laid out
you will heal and you are loved
it's okay to slow down
don't be so hard
on your poor heart
you matter and you are allowed
to feel sad
it's normal to feel doubt
and just in case you forget it again
i am your friend
you can always hunt me down
i know it gets busy
but i'm always around
and i'm rooting for you
i know you can do
those things you think you can't
just know that i trust and believe in you
and i will always try to understand
so when the chasm deepens
and your fears creep in
remember the words above
when the world gets to be too much
know that you are loved

i'm staring at the door
no one is coming
no one said they would
but i'm burning a hole in the wood with my gaze

time keeps passing
i look back
and i'm like wow
i got this far
but in that moment
this moment
felt so far away
but now i am here
dreaming of the future
of the moment
that will turn
this moment
into that moment
and i can barely breathe


                                                       ­                                                          i'm
                                                                ­                                           almost
                                                                ­                                              there

this loneliness is eating at me
i crave human touch
cravings and all, with all of these liars
alone will have to be enough

crush my bones
sever my feet
stomp in my face
watch me bleed
ain't it fun
to taunt the weak

it's a game
of who cares less
left on delivered
unsending texts
general statements
to silently dig
because i'm too shy
to just say ****
and i know if i did
it'd just get forgotten
pouring until i'm an
empty carton
hate that feeling
so just i say nothing
act nonchalant
but i'm bad at bluffing
so now it's weird
because i think too much
concerns get buried
so i can get ******
i'm trying my best
to not mess it up
but i let the situation snowball
like it always does
and now it's too late
to fix what i bent
so i'll just say
we're better off as friends

oh the ways I could love you
if only you knew
the lies we tell ourselves
just keep us from the truth
"she wouldn't go
for a guy like me"
"he probably thinks
i'm annoying"
"she's a kind of beauty
beyond words"
"i want to touch him
so much it hurts"
but for all this thinking
nothing is said
we dodge the bullet
and choose silence instead
thinking why even say
those things out loud? 
not wanting to look like a fool
for reaching out
self fulfilling prophecies
that is what we are
more likely to ignore our instincts 
than listen to our heart

this is it
what can i do
you stare at me
i stare at you
you look to me
for security
like i can make up
for your lack of maturity
like i can be
the adult in your life
how am i to micromanage yours
when i can't handle mine

able bodied creature
dreamy eyed figure
gazing hopelessly, intimately
just kissing, loving mindlessly
never omitting passion
quiet reaction, satisfaction
truly unnerving
very worried
yesterday's
zeleny

i just want someone to need me
like i need them
like we're so intertwined that they'd suffocate
if i forgot to breathe in
i know its unhealthy to love to that capacity
but i can't fight my addiction
i love so deeply that it's hard to understand
why i don't complete them
the way they complete me
i fall too hard
and i bruise my knees
i become infatuated
with the fantasy
i lose myself in
the possibilities
i see where we could go
i buy into the dream
if i can't have you in my waking life
i sell my soul to sleep
a slave to the idea that is you
not wanting to be free
so lost in the way you make me feel
it doesn't occur to me
that you don't love me back
and when i find out i forget who i am
or who i was
before i held your reluctant hand
thinking why don't you love me
i don't understand
what can i do when
i've done everything i can
or everything i thought could make you love me
seeing our "love" as a mountain when it was only a single grain of sand

i am fat
and that is okay
i'll mind my sandwich
and look the other way

don't care about your drama when i could be enjoying some cake

i am fat
i'm gonna eat what i want
but it's okay
it all goes straight to my ****

aren't big butts the new craze anyways?

i am fat
but the most important part
is that you know food
is the key to my heart

buy me some pizza and it'd make my day

push me down the stairs
tell everyone i tripped
putting your bag in my chair
so i have nowhere to sit
question for me
but you answer it
actively getting between
me and my friends

sensed competition
but i don't know why
is it something i have
or some idiot guy
going out of your way
to complicate my life
don't know what i did
to get on your bad side

are you okay today? 
                 you seem
      a little (more) off
              (than usual)
                                                          ­                                      oh its okay
                                                            ­                                    i'm just a
                                                               ­                                 little tired
                                                                ­                                (of being alive).

if i had you
i wouldn't need anybody else
but you won't take me
so now i've gotta fend for myself
looking into me
and turning over once you're done
seeing what you wanna see
no longer interested whatever it was
don't want to assume the worst
and i'm not trying to be scummy
but you can only make me feel so stupid
and take so much from me
before i can't be as patient and kind
as i really wanna be
i just wanna be treated like a person
it's not even that deep