there never was an expectation
just a hope that you might care
i didn't demand salvation
there were no handcuffs on your chair
cause you have to sit with your actions anyways
i don't need control over anyone else
i just wanted to feel safe
i wasn't even seeking help

now there's ugly words
and blocked aggression
spit on the bridge
i received the message
even in the eleventh hour
i move with discretion
something you wouldn't understand
i burn in convalescence

i realized i didn't need permission
to move on
or have to wait for forgiviness
when i did nothing wrong
except for being young
and having trust
in people who i should've denied
i spent months
trying to pick the pieces up
dust to dust
until i realized i never really needed your love

i cared for a while
for years
i was stout in denial
and watched my deepest fears
come to life one by one
everyone had their fun
tearing me down at my weakest
like i didn't try hard enough
like i deserved to feel so scuffed
i'd never hurt this much

and i've never felt this bad
or since
it all just tore me right in half
and where were my 'friends'
while i mourned myself
i needed help
you saw the moment as a chance
to cleanse yourself
i didn't want anything else
but of course you still brought me hell

and now you hate me
for walking away
i can still hear you complaining
because my existence must have caused you so much pain
remind me again
how i dont know what i said
that i'm awful and deplorable
i forget the rest

i'm ******* glad i left

i hate to admit it
  but i wish you were dead
i didn't before
  but now i'm absolutely fed
up with the abuse
  cause you break what you can't take
and you already took so much
  yet you're still fueled by hate

  i waited and prayed
  even though i grew impatient
  and i don't believe in your god
i compromised and forgave
someone who never stopped harming me
just to say i gave it a shot

  because my whole life
  you've told me it's my fault
  for not doing everything you asked
i buried myself
and pushed so hard to do it right
even while you held me back

  i was only twelve
  what did you want
  i couldn't figure it out the first time
now i'm an adult
i don't have to do it anymore
yet you still wreak havoc on my life

you take
and what you can't take you break
and i hate to say it
but i wish you would just die
and when i see that day
i'll still cry by your grave
but in a hug where i've buried my face
i'll hide the smallest smile

i'll be happy
we all will
i love you somehow
but you burn everything
and everyone you touch
i'm sick of the draining obligation
that is loving you
be well
but please
for the love of your God
be gone

i hate men
i didn't say all
so before you try to patronize me
let me actually talk
i hate men
i never said all
but you know the ones i mean
a majority evading fault

i hate when i have to prove myself
when i've bent over backwards to please
my grace and wit dismissed
i'm supposed to laugh when they harrass me
when i report
i'm a tease
or i'm a *****
or i don't get how the joke was funny
the ***** gallery wants to chip in
keep the two cents
i don't need the nuisance
or the blatant violation
***** in my mouth
when you act like i'm just some doll to play with

somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared

you never even liked me
i'm coming to terms with that
i am still deciding
whether i am hurt or if i'm mad
ruined my outlook to put it politely
with lazy lies and takebacks
stupid **** to spite me
cause you're triggered by the facts

if everything i say is true
then the problem must be you
can't stand for that
no way
four point back
for shame

you're so quick to blame others
when you make a mistake
nine times out of ten
what you broke was easy to replace
in your fight to be right you lose sight
of who helped you in the first place


at first it was exciting
until we fell out of step
you were out here fraternizing
getting comfy with my bullies and my ex
even had the ***** to invite me
then seemed suprised i was upset
almost like it was sacrificing
to give me minimal respect

lately i don't find it much surprising
when it comes to how scummy you'd get
it's impressive how calm you are when lying
almost like you really do miss me being your friend
don't antagonize me
it's funny that now you save your breath
cause i saw right through that crying
it's hard to not resent myself
for allowing you to undermine me