there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
consciously
and when i feign peace
unconsciously

i never wanted to fight
it never makes a difference
it never fixed my problems
i never bought into existence

but then we met
and for while there i thought i saw a reason
or felt purpose or sensed a future
yet never came to that season

and now you're fading
faster than i can delude myself
into fighting for what's left
or asking for your help

i never wanted to fight
and i don't think we can change what's coming
i love you and i wanted it to work
but sometimes all you've done is just for nothing

we lost

i've said too much
i emptied the bottle
can't pour it back it in
now that i've spilled it all out
so in the mess i reside
the puddle i've made of my life
i wade knee deep in problems
i've only made worse by opening my mouth

sometimes i wish
my lips would fall off
and my teeth would meld together
and my tongue would wither away
maybe then i could know what it's like
to stay out of my own way

i feel like everyone knows everything
and nothing at all
i think too much
i try to share my thoughts
but they never come out right
so i'm just fighting for my life
and ruining it
all at the same time

when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did

i did nothing today
i sat in my thoughts
like i didn't have a choice
but i did, did i not

and in the past
i'm not consoled
in the present
i've lost control
i love the ones
i never told
i leave behind
the ones i'm supposed to know
in the heat of the moment
awareness goes
out of the
metaphorical window
i just feel the heat
and the rumble in my bones
a burning sensation
as the words scrape my throat
and after i've lost my voice
and the moment implodes
we all go home
and i never gloat
because winning is losing
when you're all alone

so i nurse the wounds
and try to move
but even if i
apologize to you
our problems arent as simple
as talking things through
i walked away but you threw the first punch
both are true

but im almost willing
to take all of the blame
if i dont have waste
another day
feeling like you might die
and it ended this way

and i know thats
morbid as **** to worry about
but it's happened before
and i'm scared to find out
you're gone
and i was too proud
to figure **** out
or let my guard down
in the fight to be right
i feel like i might let you down

it's conflicting
knowing how much you've hurt me
and wanting you to see that pain
wanting you to take it away
in the way only you can
by understanding why it hurt
in the first place
but also wanting to live this life together
before we've gotten that far

i can't let you think its okay
but i can't let you walk away
i'm afraid
i did nothing today

if i've already broken the situation down to bits
  and rearranged and switched the roles to try and make sense
    what makes you think i didn't reflect on why i did what i did

who do you think you are to jump down my throat
   like you've never failed to take the high road
     like the world is based on everything you know

i did the work to break the habits
    i humanized the people i couldn't forgive
just to be corrected on my trauma
then told i'm taking it personally
    as if there was any other way to take it

i owned my mistakes
   but i refused to take all the blame
and if you think that's what i need to do
if you really feel that way
   what price is it you want me to pay

i already lost
i already caved
i can never get back
what i lost along the way
i remember how i could have done better
everyday
i don't need your help
feeling the pain

and i don't need your input
on how i've healed
i don't need to know
how my decisions make you feel
you should reflect on yourself
and leave me to my own
i have tried to keep it nice
but you're truly coming close

to that point people don't come back from

your crimes bleed through me
like wine on the carpet
was traumatizing me
your only target
had so many walls up
that'd have crumbled for a gentle soul
you don't care about my pain
just carve yourself a glory hole
and **** me over
ruin my self perception
i am wilted and spoiled
gagging at my own reflection
my lips are not my lips
they're where your lips touched mine
my hips were just grips
your fingerprints stain my thighs
you tarnished my being
and want me to think it's my fault
but all of this devastation is yours
i'm just stuck with the rot

i guess it never goes away
that's what i was afraid of
the shame pervades
forgiveness is not enough
you probably don't think of me now
i don't even think you did during the worst of it all
kicked by indifference and racked with doubt
did you mean to make me feel this small

because i still lose sleep
sweating cold in different sheets
i pushed you away from me
but not before it cost my fragility
the price of being naive

there was this song i listened to
where the girl was too young to be haunted
and it made me think of you
and the feeling of being hunted
and sacrificed
for a moment of belonging
in the midst of loneliness
your smile seemed so disarming

now i know you were lying through your teeth
you were never in step with me
cause you get what you came for then ultimately leave
bet you don't feel any better without the closure you dont know you need
i'm still over here losing precious sleep

lately it's almost like
i am losing my hold
though i've never had a grip
i had some control
but now i'm slipping
and i'm afraid to know
the consequences of my actions
what happens when you don't let go

realizations hit me
reacting too quickly
it's like the good endings skip me
each new outcome is sickening
i don't want to be a pick me
but i just want someone to pick me

taking a step back
but it didn't help that much
i have to leave this existence
and that distance might still not be enough
but for now i just feel coughed up
all my edges rough
underneath all of my negativity
i swear there is love

it's just when all the realizations hit me
i spin out and react too quickly
my best intentions now feel dingy
i just wanted someone with me
but in my mission for someone to pick me
my own image has become almost sickening
not too far gone
but nearly lost
hate to loathe
it always leads to seeming alone

even if i wish i could receive my own effort in return
that's not what it's all about
i should be a better person by now

there never was an expectation
just a hope that you might care
i didn't demand salvation
there were no handcuffs on your chair
cause you have to sit with your actions anyways
i don't need control over anyone else
i just wanted to feel safe
i wasn't even seeking help

now there's ugly words
and blocked aggression
spit on the bridge
i received the message
even in the eleventh hour
i move with discretion
something you wouldn't understand
i burn in convalescence

i realized i didn't need permission
to move on
or have to wait for forgiviness
when i did nothing wrong
except for being young
and having trust
in people who i should've denied
i spent months
trying to pick the pieces up
dust to dust
until i realized i never really needed your love

i cared for a while
for years
i was stout in denial
and watched my deepest fears
come to life one by one
everyone had their fun
tearing me down at my weakest
like i didn't try hard enough
like i deserved to feel so scuffed
i'd never hurt this much

and i've never felt this bad
or since
it all just tore me right in half
and where were my 'friends'
while i mourned myself
i needed help
you saw the moment as a chance
cleanse yourself
i didn't want anything else
but of course you still brought me hell

and now you hate me
for walking away
i can still hear you complaining
because my existence must have caused you so much pain
remind me again
how i dont know what i said
that i'm awful and deplorable
i forget the rest

i'm ******* glad i left

i hate to admit it
  but i wish you were dead
i didn't before
  but now i'm absolutely fed
up with the abuse
  cause you break what you can't take
and you already took so much
  yet you're still fueled by hate

  i waited and prayed
  even though i grew impatient
  and i don't believe in your god
i compromised and forgave
someone who never stopped harming me
just to say i gave it a shot

  because my whole life
  you've told me it's my fault
  for not doing everything you asked
i buried myself
and pushed so hard to do it right
even while you held me back

  i was only twelve
  what did you want
  i couldn't figure it out the first time
now i'm an adult
i don't have to do it anymore
yet you still wreak havoc on my life

you take
and what you can't take you break
and i hate to say it
but i wish you would just die
and when i see that day
i'll still cry by your grave
but in a hug where i've buried my face
i'll hide the smallest smile

i'll be happy
we all will
i love you somehow
but you burn everything
and everyone you touch
i'm sick of the draining obligation
that is loving you
be well
but please
for the love of your God
be gone

i hate men
i didn't say all
so before you try to patronize me
let me actually talk
i hate men
i never said all
but you know the ones i mean
a majority evading fault

i hate when i have to prove myself
when i've bent over backwards to please
my grace and wit dismissed
i'm supposed to laugh when they harrass me
when i report
i'm a tease
or i'm a *****
or i don't get how the joke was funny
the ***** gallery wants to chip in
keep the two cents
i don't need the nuisance
or the blatant violation
***** in my mouth
when you act like i'm just some doll to play with

somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared

you never even liked me
i'm coming to terms with that
i am still deciding
whether i am hurt or if i'm mad
ruined my outlook to put it politely
with lazy lies and takebacks
stupid **** to spite me
cause you're triggered by the facts

if everything i say is true
then the problem must be you
can't stand for that
no way
four point back
for shame

you're so quick to blame others
when you make a mistake
nine times out of ten
what you broke was easy to replace
in your fight to be right you lose sight
of who helped you in the first place


at first it was exciting
until we fell out of step
you were out here fraternizing
getting comfy with my bullies and my ex
even had the ***** to invite me
then seemed suprised i was upset
almost like it was sacrificing
to give me minimal respect

lately i don't find it much surprising
when it comes to how scummy you'd get
it's impressive how calm you are when lying
almost like you really do miss me being your friend
don't antagonize me
it's funny that now you save your breath
cause i saw right through that crying
it's hard to not resent myself
for allowing you to undermine me

it's so sad
these dreams i have
where i have you
they'll be over soon
but i can't forget
the feeling of your skin
pressed into mine
even though i'm haunted half the time
remembering what i've done
i just regret being young
it's just killing me to have this space
but there's nothing i'm willing to say
to make it change
because what if you just don't feel the same

i don't know if i could take it
i'm this weak
for you
i'm gonna fall back asleep
so i can feel that way again
you're too strong

i woke up everyday
feeling bad but going out of my way to feel worse
now i know what you think that i'm worth
i flinch recalling the bite of those words
so much i could say but i don't wanna see you hurt
and i guess that's where we are different

i woke up everyday
unfortunately and tried to push off the thoughts
how could i be wrong
for wanting what everyone does
you keep telling me how i feel
but that wasn't how it was
compromise isn't an ultimatum

i woke up everyday
and all i asked was
to be met with equity
you took all my charity
now you left me
feeling like i was wrong on the deepest level
for ever wanting something more
hearing everything you say
i wake up the same kind of sore

i wake up everyday
and cry sometimes too
because i'm tired of pretending
and i might end up hating you

you said it with no hesitation
you took what was worth it for you
and you left the best parts of me
and told me they meant nothing
stupid stupid stupid

but it's okay
i'll be glad you're gone
when this doesn't hurt so much
it's just that it still hurts so much

that kindness i'd extended
withdrawn
i hoped you'd be different
i hoped wrong
you dont know what you want
dragging this on
want me soft enough to crush
want me easy and gone
i dont care at all
but i still do
tell myself
i dont want to hear from you
but there's nothing wrong
with the truth
a small part of me wishes
you're wishing too
struggling with accepting
that i'm not wrong feeling these ways
the highs of intimacy
and the confusion of space
wanting all the beautiful things
strewn about my brain
quite far from reality
but it's an addicting escape
from the depressing finalities
set in stone
i listen to logic
but i also don't know
it all makes sense
but i still don't
want it to end
but i won't stop you though

i took all of my chances
and its your turn to walk off the ledge
backwards
and blindfolded
just trusting me to catch you
and who knows
maybe i just would
or maybe you'd fall into the same trap
but you'll never find out
because you don't find me worthy of such
probability

till one day love came to take us
where is something we do not know
she covered our eyes and hushed our lips
and delivered our lonely bones
to this we find ourselves
personal hells

the mess is made and i see it clear
i want it better but i want you here
i'm either doubtful and lonely
or lonely and doubtful
can't make the sun rise on me
everyday feels the same
groundhog day

and i feel bad so i try
but you want that reaction
you dont really want me
you want an idea
an ideal
craving ****** attraction
and i understand
but i just can't

be nothing to help you feel
i fall apart and you leave me to deal
you want an ideal
not the person whose actually real

and that makes me want to die
all the love i have despite
every reason you could think of for me to not
yet i do and all it does is cost
ah

stop asking
you dont want to know
you dont want it
but you won't leave it alone
shaking something fragile
you'll be cut up when i break
you dont want any of this mess
but you ignore everything i say
you want to hear something
you asked me not to feel
can't rely on what if's
and it's never allowed to be real
so where do we go
from this awful place
the need for closure
competes with the plead for space
do you want my kindness
or do you need forgiveness
if i'm immature for my secrets
why are you still showing interest
i tried to keep my heart to myself
so you couldn't tear it up to shreds
still did myself no good
the fog takes up my head
it's easier to forget
and you won't own your end
i just dont know how you expect me
to be okay and be your friend

you dont have to love me
i already know
it's always something
out out my control
beyond my power
i'm weak and you're repulsed
want my patience and affection
but can't bear to keep close
which is it now
what's it gonna be
you can't have it all
and be indifferent to me

i gotta know

what else could be a problem
i couldn't even say
i wake up everyday
and find new ways to waste
the little energy i have
on people who never change
wanting to be acknowledged
but just gonna have to wait
or move on before
i give the last of it away
and i can't muster up the effort
to convince myself to stay

i am trying
but thats nothing
when i have nothing at the end of the day

i wanna be understanding
and share so much love
but that gets drowned out by the pain

i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too

the many many things out of my control
everytime i forget the other stuff
another five thoughts sprout in its place

and ruin the vibe i'm trying to keep
i need to not care as much as i do
but ideas keep me frozen in place

i'm not trying to be difficult
or act like i'm special
it's just a lot and i don't know how to feel about it all

no more no more
i'm only me
and i already feel so small

it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice

whatever happened
doesn't matter
questions
melting into laughter
pull her up on top of you
nice and slow
i'm far far away
while she sleeps close
i'm nothing now
i know, i know
it wasn't the end
but its still a blow
took what you needed
said your piece
corrupted every last
hope and dream
so why can't you
just leave it be
take everything else
just let me have me

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

believing you're nothing
so you treat yourself like nothing
waking up realizing
this is what you wanted
but you just wanted to make someone feel good
since all it seems like you do is fail
a steep price for a broken solution
to a problem you could've fixed
by being honest with yourself
why couldn't you just be wrong
now nothing is alright