and i remember the truth that came with the pain. the deep cutting pain that managed to fit itself within my veins. i remember how it was all my fault and how i had to watch them take you away so they could save you; even though thats what I've been trying to do all my life. "what are you waiting for" they asked me over and over but i couldn't remember how to speak.

I've begun to teach myself how to write of happy memoirs instead of sad ones. its easy to look back on the past and add dark cynical words to it; it seems to be more difficult for me when i try to incorporate happy joyful words into my writing.

the other day we were together and it was like a happiness so unexperienced. something euphoric and out of body. a happiness that was so perfect i don't know if ill ever be able to return to it. when i feel the wind rushing through my hair and your hand on me and my blood pulsing through me; a feeling i don't see attainable unless you're there with me.

I've spent countless hours dreaming of your
ever haunting smile. and you're alive in every bit of
my insanity; and without you here I begin to question
my existence. because you pull me, you pull me.
you pull me until I'm screaming I love you instead of
showing it. what good is writing about it either. I don't
understand love, only death.

I have seen her breakdown with tears of sadness.
I have seen her stare at her reflection and think what a hideous mess she was.
I have seen her fall from the failures she has gone through.
I have seen her being ignored, unaccepted, as if she was some old toy placed on a shelf.

I have seen her wipe those tears away from her rosy cheeks.
I have seen her putting an end to comparing herself with others.
I have seen her rise amidst all her failures.
I have seen her walking away from those people who made her feel less good about herself.

That girl was the one who always believed in the word hope,
That girl was the one who never stopped believing in herself,
That girl came out a warrior with victory after every battle,
That girl who had hope, was none other than me.

and maybe there is a reason I'm sad but my mind isn't ready to tell me because it would be too much for me to handle.

i didn't know what love was until i met you. i thought i did, i thought it was love when he walked away and said nothing but texted you saying i love you. and i thought i knew love when he took pieces of who i was so i could be someone more like his expectations, and it took me awhile to find the small bits of me that were meant to be with me after they were so far shoved away from me. i also thought i knew love when the boy i though i "loved" told me that there were things in the world that were more important to do, things he had to do to live up his senior year. i was relieved to find out that none of those feelings were actually love, but attachment to something new. i found out i knew what love was when i met this guy and hearing him talk made time stop and feel like the nothing bad would happen. i was relieved to find out that love goes lengths and love doesn't mean you're on the floor wondering if he'll ever look at you the way you look at him. i fell deeper in love when i found out i got to be in love with someone who would raise my passions higher than i deemed possible, someone who would stand beside me through whatever it is i could manage to go through and i would do the same for them. i was relieved when all the things i felt like my stomach would feel as if it was lifting away in the best feeling possible, and all because something reminded me of the love we share. i felt limitless when i realized you were the one i love.