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397 · Aug 2015
Thievery
Helen Aug 2015
When saying you love me,
don't say it while crying
My smile is not free
while inside I am dying
Please don't say I'm sorry
when you're really saying goodbye
Watch my eyes very closely,
witness as my soul dies
When saying you'll miss me
say it like you'll try
"Love! I will miss you!
I'm sorry for this goodbye!"

You say you love me
whispered words upon my soul
tearing into this broken heart
clueless to what you stole
Helen Sep 2015
I liked everything about you

your body, your soul,
your poems, your kiss
your not so gentle touch
your brushing fingertips?
your secrect smile,
your irreverence
your ability to sing,
your inability to dance?
your shy way of smiling
your angry way of
communication
your cute way of saying

*I'm not your exhale
but your inhalation?
From the Vault. Found this sitting in my drafts folder dated December 19 2013 :)
395 · Oct 2014
A Final Revelation
Helen Oct 2014
I'm not really who I pretend to be
I'm not really angry at other people
I'm more angry at me.
It's just easier to reflect on them
as they are defenceless,
though it seems senseless
for them to be the object of my ire
while they sit patiently, waiting
to be object of my desire
It's simply easier for me to paint them
in water colours
that drip upon a canvas
that can't absorb it
than it is to mar the canvas of my life
with Oils, that appear more solid.
I've been painting (another love of mine) a lot, experimenting... words flow into pictures and I see a pattern...
395 · Aug 2016
the question
Helen Aug 2016
Why?*

When that question
bangs against it's cage
and you can feed it no more
Step lightly into the excuses
for they are demon mired
with artifice and ruses
Demons that lay a coup
just outside your mental door
They litter the floor
with bones of regret
picked clean for their answers
Where they sit, waiting for it
they lay a vigil for second chances
When the whisper floats
softly into your ear
only to rattle inside your head
You will remember, year upon year
It was never anything you did
*It was always something you said
Helen Mar 2014
how would I know
what it's like?
to wake in the morning
and everything's right?

how would I know
which way to turn?
you like left
I like right
at the next intersection
I think
we should
go for it
and watch it all
just crash
and burn

How should I know
how many hours
you should sleep?
I'm kept awake
by your tears
but don't
reach
for the tissues
to cleanse my eyes
I need to weep

Stop following me
like some lost puppy
I can only lead you
to Hells Door
If you want
to come
for the ride
I
couldn't ask
for more
but don't blame me if its not one of your 'ultimate fantasy' destinations
394 · May 2015
Slayed!
Helen May 2015
She speaks in whispers
nobody knows why
but she lies

She thinks in actions
others don't understand
but she can

Captured demons bleed
minus their razored wings
but she sings

There she lies, battered
cracked and broken
No. Words. Spoken

Her demons stand sentinel
over her ****** sacrifice
but
      she
            holds


**the knife
393 · Mar 2015
Sunset (a haiku)
Helen Mar 2015
as you rise, the East
awakes at dawn, my night time
spawns new horizons
Helen Dec 2014
I don't care where you've been
what your colour is
or where you came from!
Your religion?
not something
we would disown of!
All we know
is that you'd know
because you've been able
to live some,
If you live a life of peace,
in our country,
You're Australian!
I don't know for a fact you will all make it out alive but I do know for a fact we will do everything possible to make it true...
393 · Jul 2014
This Is (not) A Love Poem
Helen Jul 2014
This will not be a flowery prose
Wrapped in an imaginary love heart
This will be my new beginning
Writing this will be a start

This is not a love story
That people love to hate
There is just the start and then the end
In between does not even rate

This is not where I will beg
With flowery words of love forgotten
This is where I’ll say to you
To me, all we had now smells rotten

This will never be a love sonnet
Whispered through the sands of time
But to me, as I remember all to be
It will remind me of you, you slime!

This is not a love poem
No longer even a love song
The bitterness of my tears
Have dragged on far too long

This is not the happy ending
I dreamed of to be true, so
This is where you kiss my ***
While assuming I’ll pine for you
19/08/2010 - going through some of my older writes. I call this my 'angry phase' :)
392 · Aug 2013
Inhale (10W)
Helen Aug 2013
Stop trying to see me

step back

*and breathe me
392 · Jun 2014
House of Cards
Helen Jun 2014
each breath was held
as each card was laid

each look was downward
as each hand is played

each look is sideward
as each sigh is inward

each inhalation
is held on exhalation


each card that was placed
so strategically
built a house, not a home
but just as easily

your sigh rocked foundations
and a groan broke the ground
all of a sudden, our house
*Fell
       Down
Helen Aug 2015
He waited in the alley way
ready for a feast
She walked down the streets alone
not anticipating a beast
He licked his lips, closed his eyes
breathing deeply of his prey
She plodded on, in her ears a song
not caring she never walked this way
He pulled his frame up tight
tightly coiled for the pounce
She continued upon, walking blind
in her step, a little bounce
He waited an eternity in the cold
for just one tasty bite
She hardly ever walked alone
and never ever in the night
He saw her as she broached the alley
recoiling against her dewy scent
She simply kept her eyes down low
not perceiving the imminent threat
He let her pass then stepped beyond
the alley where he would choke
watched her shiver in the dew
then offered her his cloak
She startled at the deep rich voice
that rumbled in her ear
turning to face the mountain man
that crowded her, so near
He murmured his apologies
for frighteninging her this eve
She accepted his 'so very sorry'
putting one arm through the sleeve
He helped her on with his cloak
She scented his dissent
He motioned for them to walk on
She pretended to ignore his intent
He talked to her as he walked
She nodded and she smiled
He grinned at her responses
She giggled all the while
He bought her home, safely
forgetting she was his meal
She bought him back, from the brink
turned around to show her heel
He clasped her hand to his heart
whispered 'There are others, such as I,
while tonight, you arrived home safe,
it's more than likely you'd not survive'

She took his palm from her heart
pressing her lips dead upon its centre
then licked up to his fingertip
asking 'But, who would remember?
Who would ever remember the girl
found broken in some alley way?
If you're not the one to remember,
please...
 *Stay'
390 · Aug 2014
did you know?
Helen Aug 2014
did you know?
That at 15 years old I was *****
in the back of a car?
I was not alone, next to us
lay another couple, limbs entwined
like mine, but no tears were found

did you know?
For the next 5 years I had ***
with any boy that said to me
I love you because, *** is love...
right?

did you know?
I only really fell in love once
in a life where love is rife
I fell in love with a boy so completely
wrong for me
but made me feel.... nice?

did you know?
that boy gave me back my voice
helped me scream into the void
and sat and held my hand
as the screams echoed back
inside my head and made me
understand, how I had a choice

did you know?
that boy became my universe
my sun, my moon, my dark, my light
who gifted me little star babies
that feature in my dreams at night

did you know?
The boy became a man
became a agitated, muted clam
after careening head first into flight
remembering that he had others
in his life, he needed to fight.

did  you know?
that 26 years later
that boy, who became a man
and saved me from being a hater
lies next to me in a sleep
that escapes him most of the time
He slumbers as I massage his scalp
whispering how I was grateful
for his help at such a crucial time
how I was happy to find
someone that didn't just want
to take advantage of me

did you know?
He's mine
390 · Dec 2016
2016: The End Score
Helen Dec 2016
She closed the door
on another year
that was never hers
from the start
She breathed a sigh
of relief
in the darkness of
her heart
For another year
is not for her
She no longer
has it in her
to pretend
all over again

a Loser
can become
a Winner
389 · Sep 2015
her last words...
Helen Sep 2015
he sat in the chair
beside her bed
gently holding her hand

she stared at a face
withered fingers
could not trace

as he whispered

I Am Your Man

he sat by her
as she dreamed
he held her
as she screamed
he bathed her sweated brow
repeating his sacred vow

I loved you at first sight
Even though I didn't
get it right, but even now
as the sun sets, I'll get it
right now


She heard his words
riding the glittering rainbow
of Pain
she knew the same
she had given the same vow
to him long ago
she knew in the now
it was time to let go

Her last words to him
wrapped in delight
and delivered on a first kiss

She said to him

if you remember nothing,
remember this...


*I loved you in darkness
I loved you deep
I loved you in sorrow
in happiness my heart keeps
your soul, which I shall borrow
but to my shame
I'll keep it until tomorrow
386 · May 2014
little princess
Helen May 2014
wear that
                  wear this

Smile

don't laugh

don't. even. think

about the                
aftermath*

little princess
in your pretty dress

little prisioner
naked beneath satin

little faker
pretending less

little liar
it's not the end
if it looks like a snake, moves like a snake and hisses like a snake... girlfriend, it's a snake :)
385 · Aug 2014
hard love ~ haiku
Helen Aug 2014
I died this morning
your kiss, lingering on lips
so pale in deaths grip
#KCsHaikuHorror
Helen Apr 2014
Forget that!

For the love of me,

Stike the match!
382 · Jul 2015
Speak, Talk, Cry or Scream
Helen Jul 2015
when you speak
a tiny little spark
erupts into flame
a mute scream is not seen
and pain is not plain, but
words are an aphrodisiac
to a weakened state of mind
little tiny bubbles of pleasure
fizzing in sizzling veins
leaving all the troubles behind
talk like there is no tomorrow
you must say all that you think
chatter non stop
and the world will pop
like little thought bubbles
floating on a raging stream
cry like your heart is dying
as it sits in the hand of a lover
beating it's last
for it stood fast
before it knew it was over
scream like it hurts,
like it lusts
like it will never be the same
scream like pleasure finally
became pain, then scream once again
when you once again
become sane, if it still hurts
scream until your insane

*do it all, even if it hurts
do not dispute
never, ever become mute
dedicated to the most magical Joel Frye, he encourages me, enriches me, believes in me but, most importantly, *sees* me :)
381 · Mar 2015
don't touch me
Helen Mar 2015
when I weep
for times gone by
don't touch me
for I cry a lie

when I laugh
in the face of pain
don't touch me
try to remain sane

when I smile
not reflected in my eye
don't touch me
I will singe your sigh

when I fold
curled into a ball
don't touch me
you will also fall

when I'm down
hurt and despised
don't touch me
for your comfort
brings you naught
but more tears
to my eyes
a touch can bring comfort,
or hurt... sometimes more hurt to those that are trying to comfort...
381 · Nov 2016
conflicted
Helen Nov 2016
I'm
__________

everything
381 · Apr 2015
Quotes Unknown
Helen Apr 2015
When repeating from an unknown source, it is still respectful to say
"These aren't my words"
of course, just borrowed thoughts
Helen Dec 2012
to say
sorry
but just
practice
one
so it
counts
Helen Aug 2015
As my frontal lobe articulates
from the anterior, just under
my forehead, I understand
why sweat beaded upon my
upper lip and my eyes bled

Spilling words onto a sheet
of paper, ink stains shaped
like a swarm of angry bees.
Crisping like raisins too long
in the sun, angling on a hook
that captures May like a
golden sunset dying on a breeze

Messages in Cherry Red reflecting
on the mirror to be read back after
an intoxicating night. Never would
the words remain in the steam of
a quiet shower that washes away
remnants of sorrow or a quaking
knowledge that what the lipstick
says just might happen to be right

A table set for twenty six as only
one will attend to partake of seven
courses of molasses and fake hope
Pacing up and down, rearranging
the letters in a potion of epic…ness
that can only come from plucking
consonants from a burning lava,
scraping the bottom of the barrel
for a vowel in the Alphagetti soup

There is the napkin I blew my nose
into which only had a phone number
on it. It turned into 8 reasons why
I would never bother to call
And there is the corner of my duvet
that I dribbled on but the pattern
resembled all my shattered dreams
that poured out of my mouth while
sleeping and became my greatest fall

Here is the ultrasound that has a few
words that sum up what the world
means to me and a picture of our daughter
This is the 15 scraps of paper that you
wrote 15 different lines of love to me
and they are all in the box, being loved
just as everything else ought to.

There are books and printouts and bits
of cardboard and a piece of driftwood
that I used to scratch a few words in
with a rock along with the photo of
the words written inside a heart on a
beach that was one thousand kilometers
away from you but I was there and
you were not.

There is 3.4 gig on a computer and
a gazillion that are frothing inside a
compartment that is internalized and labeled
Someday To Be Said. No matter where or
how or why or now or latter on paper or
engraved in rock on a elaborately carved stone
or chasing their own tails in their own head
Folded like a paper plane and launched
into a rabid universe words will land where
they will, dressed as they are, happy the party
is still in full swing. They don’t wonder
if the landing is soft, they fall, and then
they become still.

**Happy Landing
so.... I found this old usb in a draw, full of my poetry... old poem, circa 2011, new name :)
378 · Apr 2015
Time to Dine
Helen Apr 2015
The cavernous space
that separates us
is just a table
and there is me
at one end
and you
at the other
We could stand
and meet
at the middle
if either one of us
were able

But we are separated
by our own greed
or misplaced
Hatred

It doesn’t matter
as you scatter
the dishes
in front of you
to pounce
upon the snow white linen
and your feral grin
is too much to ignore

My heart beats
rapidly
as each and every
carefully prepared dish
is brushed nonchalantly
to the floor
as you prowl
toward me
down the middle
of the table
I’m leaning back
in my chair
fully prepared
for what is in store

We could have
stood up
and met halfway
but the animal attraction
would have been missing
and as you approach
up the middle
clearing a path
I’ve already anticipated
your intent
and tilted my chair back
to have me
looking up
from the floor

Knowing I’m the one
you are hungry for
13 September 2011
Helen Oct 2014
What a hearts thinks?

What it really feels?

** L O V E
         O
         L      
         A
         T
         I
         L
         E
376 · May 2015
My Nightmare (a song)
Helen May 2015
all the questions
left inside of me
I wondered about
if there was anyone left
to please

all the answers
left inside of you
I wondered about
if there was anyone left
to abuse

and in the skies
the stars start to weep
diamond tears
that fall at your feet


are the answers that
you sought
in my pain

their glittering presence

driving you insane

this is my nightmare

wishing you weren't there
grieving me
with your false tears

you never
understood
with each and every
falsehood
I'd had to bleed,
a slow feed,
each and every year

trying to divine
every single time

I never had
anything
to fear

This is my nightmare
Every time, you aren't there
and I don't care
for you weren't there


When I decided to bleed

This is my nightmare
Every time you aren't there
but I don't care
for you weren't there


**When I decided to leave
Helen May 2014
picking through the litter
discarded over time
it's amazing,
what you find

a tortured mind
easily resurrected
I gave it a home
with like minded
was not going to
leave it behind

a broken soul
such a tiny light
laying beneath rubble
trying to struggle
with unworthiness
and fright
I showed it a Sunrise
and a Sunset
and asked it to map
days spent
breathing in and out
and watched it grow

a shattered heart
now that, I couldn't fix
so I placed all the small pieces
in a crystal bowl
and sat it upon my hope chest
except for one small sliver
I laid gently upon my breast
and gave it a place to rest
375 · Oct 2014
Where I Sit
Helen Oct 2014
Where I sit is an empty place
a space full of no meaning
a seat that is reserved for one
devoid of any feeling
Where I sit is a lofty stoop
characterized in concrete
just a single placed chair
a place to put two feet
Planted upon unforgiving ground
and rumored to be true
where I sit is a lonely place
but could be shared, by two
really feels unfinished but... who cares?
375 · Jan 2016
Word Difference
Helen Jan 2016
I'd describe it as

mercury exploding
from an antique gun,
diamonds dripping
from broken eyes,
rubies melting
upon the sun,
crystals evaporated
on a lengthy sigh


but reality goes

you pointed the weapon
and pulled the trigger
I cried tears from eyes
that never saw your depth
the blood that spatters
against your fingers
will be able to trace
words of my last breath


******** i n g
      b a s t a r d
Poetry v Reality
374 · Jun 2014
The Real Face of Cancer
Helen Jun 2014
"If you had a gun, I'd ask you to shoot me right now"

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my own head
Just so I could never hear those words again

I'll never forget laying at the foot of your bed
As you spoke about dying or the things that you said
Halfway through your contemplation of your life
You fell asleep and I was left laying like you stabbed me with a knife

But I laid there, at the foot of your bed
waiting for you to repeat everything
you said, I laid there in dread

Then you woke and continued
like you had never spoke
and asked once again
"Do you have a gun?"*

No, I don't have a gun
I can't pull the trigger
on all of your nightmares
but somewhere, out there
you've hallucinated
all of reality, it seems
you were unable to leave
until I aimed the barrel
between the eyes
of all your dreams
Above, a true story (and true words spoken) of the last days leading up to June 28 2008. I lost the one Man in my life that made other men work hard to be worthy.... I miss my Daddy :( you should not have been taken away so cruelly :(
374 · Oct 2020
never ending (10w)
Helen Oct 2020
because we never said goodbye
the end was utterly relentless
*sigh*
374 · Sep 2015
body imagining
Helen Sep 2015
she saw her body as large
hating all the traces
he saw only her heart
and curves
*in all the right places
372 · Aug 2015
this life blows
Helen Aug 2015
wanting to see it all
from top to bottom
sitting in the stands
smelling something rotten
leaving a nasty taste in my mouth
a moue of disappointment
under appreciating surroundings
feeling a loss of entitlement
wanted to taste it all
wanted to speak its language
wanted to experience it's thrall
felt nothing except banished
saw nothing but heartache
saw nothing but fear and pain
felt nothing in my exile
wings beating hard, here I remain
Helen May 2014
so much time
too few cigarettes
not enough wine
to make me forget
368 · Sep 2015
how sad, this life
Helen Sep 2015
Just had to cut open
my pack of cigarettes
**with a knife
true story
368 · Apr 2015
Not In a Way You Think...
Helen Apr 2015
I check my followers every day
and when the clock turns back
it makes my heart sink

because it's not that I think
that I've been unfollowed
I certainly don't think that
no, as my clock ticks backwards it's
because who I follow also declines
by each tock, according to the stats

So yeah,
every time I lose a follower
my heart shrivels inside my chest
because another person I admire
has laid down their pen to rest
and each and every time, it shatters me :(
367 · Aug 2015
you just don't
Helen Aug 2015
You don't get to judge me
by my outward appearance

Unless you live inside of me
and live what I experience

You don't get to laugh at me
or shed a tear at my pain

You don't get to know me
unless you live inside my brain

You don't get to know me
unless you appreciate where I stand

You will never get to know me
by ignoring my outstretched hand
Helen Oct 2014
He said*
it's just like bees
that make the honey
a conversation between my husband and I, he can't understand why all us poets are not rolling in wealth... I love him so much :)
Helen Mar 2015
I stepped left when I should have stepped right.
It was a dance that ended my life.
in wartime, there are so many weapons designed to ****... however, in a time of Peace, nobody thought to go back and clean up after themselves... No point dancing in the sunshine after the rain when the puddles hide Death...
364 · Nov 2015
breaking up (in 6 words)
Helen Nov 2015
Dear Life,

*you're not worth it
363 · Sep 2014
Last Call
Helen Sep 2014
When you are sitting at the bar
4 hours past midnight
It's not a pretty sight
Where nothing little nobody's
predicted in their field of pleasure
and the acres of green grass
chose at their own leisure
Goats and sheep for upkeep
like raiding a tomb for treasure
Sitting at the end of the bar
watching the byplay like ESPN
voicing Hits and Misses
and deep end missed plays
it's easier to stay disconnected
when you're just calling the game
except, at Last Call,
when all the goats and sheep
found someone to meet
to take home to make hay
and your just sitting,
sipping your tonic and gin
all you hear is
Hey! Last Call!
you can't stay, for another day
you go home alone
goats and sheep aren't your thing
but you think it's amazing
that you heard the bells
Last Call
you missed the play
Helen Nov 2014
Who cares
What path was taken?
What words were spoken?
What hearts were broken?
Who cares
What lies were told?
What truths were bold?
What beliefs were shaken?
Who cares
What road was chosen?
What mode of transport?
Or even what prize was sort?
We all end up in the same place
with the same certainty
and even the same face.
We all arrive at different times,
we go down with no sound,
into a ground,
so recently
*
broken
361 · Aug 2015
Where Lies This Heart
Helen Aug 2015
No one wants a a piece of this heart

this heart is not one to be spared

to be spared is to be only one half

one half just can't compare

Compare two pieces left broken

left broken two pieces of heart

pieces of heart are just tokens

just tokens if worn apart

Worn apart like an infection

an infection that sits upon skin

skin left cold by rejection

rejection is just another sin

Another sin that wants no part

no part of being insane

insane is where lies this heart

this heart that won't play the game
359 · Oct 2015
no one cares
Helen Oct 2015
they can peel the same DNA from the bottle that we both drank from,
but no one will care who died first, only the position of our bodies will tell the tale. I'll be laid out beautifully, like a tragedy that failed, you'll be sprawled so eloquently, it will appear so definitely that you killed me but,
no one will care, our positions are neither here or there all that's left
is what they hear on the record player
*playing our song
It's in the music we hear our heartbeats
358 · Jun 2015
Love in the Sky
Helen Jun 2015
Sunset in the sky
low lying
Reminds me of a love
thats dying
So I'll leave the Sunset
where it lies
and think of our Love
*as a Sunrise
© Helen Doogan 1990
358 · May 2015
Oh How I Try
Helen May 2015
There comes a time
when your inner self shouts
Enough is enough!
You can't change him

as his demons cry
You can't break him
But then,
your heart whispers
But, you love him
and I try, oh how I try...
358 · Jun 2014
I'll try harder (I cried)
Helen Jun 2014
I want to be
just like you
living in the moment
breathing
the heavenly blue
skipping the light fantastic
weaving wonders from words
kissing understanding
and just like that
it's untrue
I can't be like you
because I dwell in the fear
of being unknown
but, I live here
in the unpromising zone
hack is stitched
as a single word
into every seam
of all the coats
I've ever worn
but I have sworn
that I'd be forever
the firefly
that lights the sky
from the warmth of my
tiny backside?
Just know....

I tried!
357 · Aug 2015
The Ghost on the Cliff
Helen Aug 2015
She ran towards the rocky cliff
that bit beneath her feet,
crying for somebody
to give her wings
so she could meet
her one true love, just come ashore
she promised him they'd meet
she flew across the rocky cliff
leaving a ****** trail
beneath her unshod feet

He stood upon the ships prow
praying for her arrival
He'd given up hope of arriving
nearly dead in his survival
Marching upon the broken backs
of bothers that had fallen
he stood upon the ships bow
hearing her sweet voice a calling

She dodged the farmers cart
and weaved amongst the miners
slipping and sliding in the muck
looking lost to the finders
skirting around the grubby children
chasing each other in the street
****** footprints in her trail
her one true love she will meet

Until she falls on cracked ground
and plants her hands in the mire
looking up to the ice cold sky
glimpsing the raining of fire

He saw the glow and felt the heat
of Hells very own righteous fury
far from home, knowing he was beat
but remembering his duty

She stands, this day, upon the cliff
waiting for his ship to sail in
He stands upon the ghostly bow
waiting for her to meet him
357 · Mar 2016
Hindsight Memories
Helen Mar 2016
I don't have regrets.
I have fleeting thoughts
of things
that might have been right,
whispered at the wrong time


04.03.15
I call them Hindsight Memories, I hate the word regret :)
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