simple,
like a newly bloomed flower,
he blooms as something magnificent in this book of torn pages and undecided chapters I call life.
it doesn't make any sense to add happiness to a situation where it's bound to be distoryed in all hopes it'll work out
but the sad truth is everything is temporary as bittersweet as it sounds
just keep in mind
nothing is permanent either
but how am I supposed to believe this theory when in my head

the image of his smile is permanent.

thought about you,
what to say,
took the time,
to let you know
how I felt,
12:23
sent the message,
walked around,
nervously,
combed hair,
brushed teeth,
12:37,
return to screen,
seen at 12:25,
*no reply.

im so glad i met you,
i loved you before
i could even have the chance to love myself
now that youre gone
im struggling with realizing
you dont need anyone to love you
but yourself.

no one will be there for you as much as you'll be there for yourself.
hard to believe?
I understand.
sometimes I feel like no one is there for me and it's gets overwhelming because it gets to the point were I don't even want to be there for myself anymore.
it's sad.
"we're just here to help"
best thing to hear.
until it gets to the point where that's all you're hearing.
I can help myself.
I'm my own person.
I was given a brain,
a heart,
bones,
a body to live in so I can help myself.
but it starts to concave.
it's bitter.
bones feel like jelly.
feel like you've lost your mind.
body you were given starts to feel like a curse.

you know,
think past all that *******.
have you ever just stopped and thought of the good things, the great things in life?
I bet not.
like your dog.
your cat.
or even just simply putting a smile on someone's face.
everyone complains about how horrible or hard their life is.
well if you think of how greatful you are.
maybe everyone would become happier.
and this society wouldn't be such a **** hole.

one day
I'll find out a way to burn
my feelings.
until then
I'll keep playing
with fire.

maybe it's the way he makes me feel
or how he always crosses my mind  
maybe it's the way he can make me laugh or even make me cry.
he has the power to make me happy
but the curse to burn my heart.
none of the negative affects me
because
we promised we'll never be split apart.
a promise is a promise
and for him that I'll always keep.

a person can get so connected
you know
when they're your sun
your moon
your stars.
it's impossible to image him not being there years in the future.

to me it's the way he's shy but yet again not at all  
every little thing about him makes me melt.
it starts to increase my fall.
his personality gives me goosebumps.
his smile makes my life.
he's literally a dream come true.

the thing that kills me inside
as if a demon went on strike,
is
he's 610.062
miles
away.
but I love him more
than he'll ever know.

I hope you think of me like a 5000 piece puzzle,
Hope you feel like a detective when you talk to me,
Or when you hear about me,
Or when you think about me,
I hope you romanticize me into something more than just a human body,

I hope when we kiss your lungs expand,
Hope you think more than just lungs,
Hope when every inch of your body fills with energy
you think the chemical reaction,
I hope you think of me more than just a chemical reaction,
I hope i can fool you into believeing that
I am way more than what i say,

I hope you write about me,
Hope you can't get your mind off it because
you just need an answer,
i hope you find your answer,

I hope you figure out things about me
in the way i do my makeup,
Hope you try and find symbolism in it,
I hope you think me into a work of art,
Hope you finish with a blank canvas
because there is so much beauty in the unknown.

I hope you dream of dissecting me,
Hope you wake up with scars on your finger tips,
I hope i make you nervous,
Hope you think precisely of what to say when you're around me,
Hope you ask every question critically,
I hope you think i know exactly what you're up to,
Hope you hide nothing,

I hope you play word games with me
to try and piece together how my mind works,
I hope after all that time
you still cant grasp it,
Hope im always close enough to touch
but not close enough to get a firm grip on,
I hope you dig yourself a whole from walking in circles,
Hope you never say my name in fear of the tone being incorrect,
Hope you know ill always be here if you need me,

I hope you have no idea what any of this means,
I hope this has given your mind 3 different mining routes,
I hope you know i am buried treasure,
I hope you never hit gold,
I hope you never understand me.

taking another step in the crisp air,
wind pushing against my face
but feeling the warmth of your breath as you speak of how amazing the colours of Fall are.

let's have an adventure,
with the smell of wet trees
and dying leaves.

the tip of my nose chilled,
but the sound of crunching leaves distracts me.

fingers so cold,
sweater so warm.

wishing Fall would last forever,
because,
I'm *forever falling for Fall

under the moonlight,
lay in the crisp air,
chilled to the bone
with your mind dancing
in thoughts of living in a fairytale.
as your white shirt dampens
from the wet grass.

your hair flows with the wind,
your lips mumble the lyrics
of the song playing on repeat in your head.

you should quite enjoy
this lonely feeling
with the presents of nature,
this moment won't last forever,
so let the stars kiss your gently freckled face.

I find love an amazing thing.
yet it hurts,
it's draining,  
***** with your brain
and sends you mixed signals
signals where you don't know if they're
a laugh of joy
or a cry for help.
you find out everything about them
yet you still want to find out more.
you feel it's absolutely necessary for you to know more only because your heart tells you you can never know to much of someone.
it's the sparkle in their eye.
the amazing butterflies
that just clutter you stomach.
the way you can spend so much time just getting ready for something for that someone when at the end of the day it doesn't matter what you look like because the only thing that makes them
fall in love with you
is your personality.
love is a special thing,
it's hard to find
but easy to know when it comes.
it's the rush, the spark that just appears in your lonely heart that makes you
addicted,
compulsively just want more
of the excitement that no other living thing
can satisfy you with.
maybe this just happens in movies
or plays
or even the cliche songs that give you a vivid image.
but if is real
and happens to me.
I hope it never ends.

Pointed pencil,
Talking,
Black pen,
Talking,
One sheet of freshed lined paper.

My brain is a jumbled up mess of growing up,
Figuring out blueprints and survival skills to stay alive.

Taking persistent footsteps so I don't step on a personal bomb to blow up a building I built myself in sparkly bold letters I call my future.

Dull pencil,
Whispers,
Almost empty pen,
Whispers,
One sheet on crumpled paper.

Turning my thoughts into words is terrifying, Giving someone the opportunity to judge you like you were put in this world to be nothing.
I am something.

Short walks,
Quick talks,
These are the things no one wants but I've had both.
I've got icy cold wind in my wings but im floating above it all.

Broken pencil,
Silence,
Empty pen,
Silence,
Now a pile of crumpled paper.
My thinking pattern is out of wack,
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and it's only just begun.

It's a mad world they say,
And I'm beginning to believe it.

okay

the way you look
at me makes me feel
like I've seen the
stars in the day
because your eyes
sparkle so much that
you lure my heart in
and make my mind
stray.

they say your actions speak louder than words,
and I guess it's true.
because you didn't listen
when I said I was wrong
and told you that
i missed you.

*******
and every memory we ever had.

you were my best friend
until you met a boy that you fell in love with.
5 years of lovely friendship
poured down the drain
as if it was *toxic.

she loves to speak in front of crowds,
to amuse the peoples throw,
everything's been different,
since her mind has left home.

they'll say you're too
young and too dumb
and you have
no experience, you're like a bird being taught how to fly,
You don't know which way is left,
And which way is right.
and you
don't know what you're
doing and your mind is just lost,
And you're heart is just learning and it's impossible
at such a young age but *******
it you know what you
feel and you're not about
to let that go for anyone or
anything and that's what really matters.

the humiliation
attempting multiplication
is a discrimination
filling all emotions with frustration
trying to send help of communication
to a genius
showing no blood relation
in a habitation where Ax and Bx showing a result of Cx
introducing a collaboration
with letters sends a illustration
to the mind causing hallucination
just a pigment of imagination
slight vibration
desperately needing a detoxification
of education
to wrap your thoughts around this generation
seeking the need for popularization
but the mind is in a mental restriction
start a petition
to conquer the satan of calculation
but so far no documentation
of the closed corporation
of the mad minded mathematician
so you're living in devastation
suffering while you work at a gas station
from no graduation
or thoughtful congratulations
all because you forgot the capitalization
for a math symbol
on a test
because of the lack of specification

Make a reservation
for the realization
that math
does not
always make
sense.

i dont know if this is for me,
expressing my mind in words,
i mean,
it takes alot off my mind,
but it also brings back alot of the past
that was dreadfully hard to forget,
it gets yourself out of todays society
which is great,
i dont want my only friend to be a piece of paper,
and a pen.

my mind is filled with horror thoughts,
and things i should have said.
writing is a trap for me,
it'll soon be the death of me.
for now ill sit here and suffer
in the paradise i tried to create,
the paradise i love,
a paradise i never want to leave,
consisting with
piles of paper,
escaped ink,
and a mind running off its own thoughts.