Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
but
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.

I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away

You were my teenage love story
The real one
You were my ride or die
My forever and ever
My messy pile of clothes
That drifted into yours
My old sweater
That came down to strings in the end

We were still children, really
Overgrown children still not quite big enough
To fit into these adult clothes
Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and
"I promise I'll never leave"
So excited about the colors
And our feelings bursting forth
That fitting didn't matter

I'm sorry we bought that chair
I know it's burned by now
It went up in a blaze
In your best friend's grandma's backyard
I close my eyes and see the tears on your face
Reflecting the rising ashes and flames
I hope you cursed me

For me to become a distant memory
Some far away faded thing
A leftover pile of string
Is the best fate I can have for you

Our end was abrupt
In the way stories written by a child's hand can be
Trailing on and on and on
A fit of passion
Crazed and somehow beautiful
Trailing off
To
An incomplete ending
An unfinished sen

We will both feel pride
On this day
Far, far in the future
Or maybe not too far at all

Your song is on the radio
In the background of a show
The beat that people in glittering outfits
Let go of control to

You're holding your lover's hand
Or perhaps alone
That familiar bump of feeling
Bitter pride
Resentment
Melancholy regret
The ghost of hope
The ghost of the part of you
That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed
And I'm sitting
With my headphones in
Listening to your voice
That same bump of feeling
That same ghost, now brought to life

I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me
Now I'm glad you're free

You are all here dancing
'Round my insides
Like dizzy stars
Haunting me
My lovely ghosts

And I know I'm innocent
Innocent as any of you
Innocent as the Northern Lights
But you're all still here
Scars on my stomach lining
Chips in my ribs
Pressing kisses to my esophagus
That make me choke

I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die
And even once we part from my body
We will mingle in the stars
Maybe then you will have what you want
You can tear apart all the pieces that were me
Destroy me like I destroyed you

A cosmic apology
A cosmic goodbye

Melancholy
That’s one word for how I feel
Lost,
but peacefully
Drifting in between

My life is a tranquil pond
My lovers are lilies
Soft and fragrantly blooming—

I am adrift
A heady canoe, oarless
Without a passenger
I am a vessel for the life within me

And I digress
For all life is is a series of digressions
Slipping clumsy from next to next
Sending ripples through a pond
“Disturbing” a peace we will never know
we have always been a part of

I am adrift
In between
In the gaps where life exists

The sun outside is bright
Lighting up the pavement
The patchwork brick walls

But inside

It is night for me

Blinds drawn
Only a lamp on
Sitting in yesterday's clothes
Shaking like a leaf
Swept up in the hurricane
Of my spiraling thoughts

Please
please.

Don't leave me

The thought of those memories
Sitting in your garage
Sunlight shining in
Surrounding your outline
An angel playing guitar
Singing so softly
and sweetly

Hyperventilating
It's the crash after the dissociated rush of adrenaline

I almost lost you