darkness under light
defines the contours of space
shadow deepens shine

I don't have much to say;
      there's not much I want to do.
I want to be
alone.
Not for the sake of
my sanity,
no,
but for the sake of
feeling whole.

I've never done well,
understanding things
like everyone else does.
my mind keeps turning gears
over and over
and over again.

At least when I'm
alone,
the confusion,
the stress,
the anxiety.
It all seems to
         go away;
I don't have to focus
on anything.
         And that puts me at ease.

Imagine me running around
A mad blur, hair standing on end
With pencils and things sticking out
Post-its go flying
And a stack of newspapers and magazines topples like a tower.

I'm forgetting something
I chew my bottom lip trying to remember
Then remember ten other things
But still can't grasp the first.

Really, I'm more organized than this
I insist
Everything in its place
Alphabetized, polished and underlined
All my little duckies in a neat row
Checked and double checked
Quality-controlled.

I drop one marble and madness ensues.
Maybe I can't live in a bubble
                 >pop<
And some chaos must tear through.

he doesn't like me for me.

he doesn't like me for my poetry.
he doesn't like me for my thoughts.
he doesn't like me for how i look.
he doesn't like me for how i act.
he doesn't like me for how i am.

he looks at me and sees not a person.

he looks at me and sees not a girl.
he looks at me and sees not a poet.
he looks at me and sees not a smart girl.

he sees a wasteland.

he sees a girl without love.
he sees broken skin and flaws.

he loves ruins.
he loves fixing people.

you can't fix everyone.
you can't fix a heart that has so many bandages on it that you can't tell what's latex and what's muscle.
you can't fix me unless i break even more.

do you want me to break more?
you love seeing me break.
that's kind of sad.
pathetic.
you love when i hate myself.
and i hate myself so you won't go away.

Hummingbird,
reflecting shattered
strains of
stained glass light,
invoking the laws of physics...

You,

Threaded a muted conversation
through soup can telephones
into this delusional bubble
within the Novocaine fog.

Unexpected disruption
in my comfortable illusion,
grating vibration buzzing in...

Inadvertently excavating
that secret chamber,
pressure sealed,

Only to find there are no treasures inside.....

For the Sphinx has lost them,
and the mummy's venom
reactivates in this bent light...

and digests me...

from the inside.

I'm going to stand on the edge of the world
Along the coast of California,
Dip my toes in the surf, my heels in the sand.
What's behind me now will be No Man's Land.

I'm going to swim against the current
Shivering, shaking, not losing my pacing.
Upstream is half the battle
When it's against the human race I find myself racing.

But it's a battle that's hard to win
So I jump back in the stream and continue to swim.