I used to shove needles in my arms.
Now I don't.
And i have to be honest
I'm having a bit of a identity crisis.

Who the **** am i
and what should I do?
I get up.
I clean up.
I wash up
I try.
But it really seems,
that I'll probably still die..
and if thats the case,
then whats the ******* point.
When the most fun you have
is when you hit the joint,
but dont get me wrong,
I like it just fine.
Just seems something stronger
could maybe ease my mind.
Like really what Im seeking
is a deep undead bed
where the breathing in my lungs
slowly comes to a stop
and before i know it
the whole worlds better off.
Like whats the point of living,
if you'll only ever die.

These are the things i think of
when i'm staring into the sky.

You seek me out
of everything
To shy so i don't find you.

This universe works
in some pattern way.

Where the things that i struggle with
find me day after day.

You flea ridden animal
You blood stained flannel.
You needle in my bed of hay.

Funny how the things you hate
find you day after day

We are spectral
like our ancestors
and I am trying
to see into
your flaming whisps of
ever changing.


Your magnetic feild is far beyond compare
to those i have already seen, and see.

You move towards your center
with your oh so healing glitter
and it glistens all around
your earthly body.

Astonishing
astounding
your glitter
is surrounding.

I'm dancing in the
breeze of your spirit.

its bigger than you
its bigger than me
it swallows up
all eternity.

Exhausted and so over
this thing that we call life
living in a body
constant battle
constant strife

and I know the rules
I have played this game.
Try to convince me
ever day is not the same.

It crashes down like hot summer rain.
I think about the happiness
I try to numb the pain.  

I try to move through my life
like every day is not the same.

My sing song expression
has given you a collection
of many things
to think of me by.

Dare you look to the sky
leave this place we know behind

I know its hard
I'm hard to find

but when you do
I'll make it better.
Soothe each other
in spaces together.

Read my heart in written letter.

Escape in time and out of beat.
Behold a new world
sprawling at your feet.

I beg you now do not retreat

its a once in a life time opportunity.

Judas only did
that which had to be lived.

He suffered for his fault
not his action.

And Jesus knew what was to come,
for with out it,
what would he be?

Stoke me minted breath.
I want your condensation
Build up on my walls
To soon to say I miss you
But I will.
Because I do.
Linger with me here,
A thousing gazes
A thousand stars
A thousanded guesses
About who we are.
And still just ideas.

I dont fear my meaning,
Even if it's obscure.
I just want to try.

Sudden sickness over take her
with a quickness does it make her
losing touch, whats reality?
Just to much to handle for me.

They are taking pictures
its personal photography
of all the thoughts in my  mind
its personal torturing.

These thoughts are mind
but they aren't mine.
These thoughts are high
But they aren't mine.

I'm getting jaded.
Reality is so faded.
I bet i could believe
nearly anything.

It slips into my head
lays into my bed
offers me to dead.
I listen what it said.

Shhh
Don't you worry
little thought
There's no hurry
You've been caught.

I've got you now,
I've got  you now
let me comfort you in crazy.

I know your memory is hazy.

Please some body wake me.

Typically I stay quiet
in times of stress I would
rather just silence myself than deal with
the impending doom of attempting
to grasp what was going on
and exactly what needs to be done.
Numb to the entire world as long as
I need to make a decision.

And Indecisive is an understatement
as i fade to black blankness
as if my existance slips out from under me
and suddenly
I am no mind
No body.
Gone from this world
and I can hear your voice begging me
for thoughts of closure
like microphones made of paper
submerged in honey
echo and muffle
wom wom wom wom

Who am i,
I know nothing,
You need me now in this moment and for some reason
I can't conjure a single thought...

But im learning
to say
I love you when your lonely
and distancing your self from me
and I'm realizing you need
some one to steady you
with word from mouth
and food for thought
because your the same as me
and you just shut off from everything.

only at night
under a pale full moon
when dancing for desires great throws  the ocean is tilting
my heart quakes a grey tone  ambience
full throttle down to my toes
and I know in my brains heart
it's time to let go
but I hold on to pleasures
cause it's all I've ever known.  
what pointless existence
is begging me live
when all I have
nothing
is left to give
and dreams of sinners
torture my soul still
I'm waking in mornings
to try to live longer
then thoughts that are seeping
into my mind
are ripping a part
all of my freshly bleached blinds
and I tried to keep the sun out
I tried to hold the rays back
hide from that moon when she beckons me home
but the oceans still tilting
threaten pulling me in
the thoughts constantly seeping wearing me thin.

Pull yourself apart.

Not back together.

This is a splitting world,
where we split things into thirds.

where we cut things down to size.

where we move towards a false prize.

Pull yourself apart, not back together

this is a world of giving,
where we hold all of the living

And you should never take .
But its any easy mistake to make.

Pull your self apart

theres no room to pull you together

this is where we separate

this is where we sever.

Pull yourself apart

never back together

this is where you die

to much exposure to the weather.

Could it be your crashing
Back to Earth
and where I placed you
In the dirt.

I was hoping for your seed to bloom

I imagine you in spirals of growth
Moving to and from me
Creating your own shelter
Through self molding
and where your cracks
lay in the foundation
I want you to swallow me whole
I will seep into your damages
be their soldered gold
I imagine your branches groaning
As you reach for the unknown
Movement is painful
And so is getting old

In all
the truth is still breathing
down my throat.
And out.
It's In your atmosphere
That I love so brightly.

Flesh driven desire
And the aching want for death

I'm watered down.
Weaker than before
Not quite as concentrated
Not so focused.
Losing grip on what I want
And some how reaching out
And grabbing hard
For those things
That I hate.  
I had a dream I was gathering
Sticks
In my neighbors yard
He was a greedy blob.
So I had no mercy on his
Pig brains.

Everything seems so Subliminal
Like all your gestures are between the lines
And maybe you've lost interest .
Or maybe your just tired
Like you say
You've been at work
It's been long day
And I am hoping
You'll show some curiosity
And I am hoping behind it is velocity
Of the most disturbing kind
And you won't hold back
And you won't be polite
and you will take what's yours
Which is that which is mine
And I would give to you
I would give you all the way
But can't you just take it from me
Just for today.

Far off you speak to me
in echos of a canyon
At the peak of the sky
tall in sunrise standing.

Broken syllables
Moving through space
coming in my ears
only minutes late.

Far off you speak to me,
in echos of a hill
Many times you said to me
While here  Im standing still.

maybe if you have to keep distance
if you have to keep the distance
and you  keep the distance
you can't fight
and you wont have to fight
and you'll never fight
if you just stay away.

so keep the distance
not that i dont care
but that i dont fight
and you keep the distance
and it will be alright.

Flaming ideas forever drive reflections
Into growing dying holding things to closely
  then they die.

Conclusions
Ideas,
Oh god
Your grieving me by the end
Our story some how laced with pain
A mortal could never know.
Only feel.
I'm mortal but I'm edging over insanity and begging for some understanding to stand on and precieve.
Stand on and see.

Am I so masochistic
I would hold my tongue
Before I asked
To kiss you with it
I would stop short of expression
Instead of asking to hold you.
Am I so within
I cannot pressure with out
And everything seems so
Subliminal

Sandy eyes  
Wake me up in the morning
Leave it to you to
To destroy a good thing.

Had it been coming I would never know

But for one thing
I will never show,

Your twisted games
they don't phase me,
I know to well
about emotional hazing
Your blurring the lines,
between real and fake
I've learned my lessons,
And i surely wont take

A bleeding heart sob story
and feed into it
I wont give you my Narcissus
Thats locked away,
chastity is chastity
a million years or just one day.

Crab walking to the closest gas station
For a sense of belonging
And there's nothing I want here
but to feel like part of the
Community
But I'm side stepping conversation
And speaking out of the corner of my mouth.
It's no wonder I'm gaining no closure.
I'm to aware of my faults.

You thought and so it came
Did you ever see the correlation
Or was it luck of the planet's
Which life so ever presently
Ensures for your stake.  
Your mission lasts
Your life time lasts
In the hands of what?

Shall we not take back our independence?
Relieve the great giver
Of the universes unfolding on his shoulders.
Take in to consideration,
This holy gift of evolution .
This moment of conscious awareness and what shall we do?

We're all taught that some day some where
things will be perfect.
as children we are told of santa clause
and as adults we are told of Heaven.
That if we can just make it through
our ****** existences
then maybe
if your good enough
maybe if your special
one day
You can have your happily ever after.

But I've found heaven
in shopping bags and books.


In running in to old friends in strange places

In making love in the yard at 4 a.m

I found heaven in life
and i think thats what people are missing.

Awaken to
the inability
you force upon yourself.
Awaken to
new fertility
born in center
of yourself.
These fashioned clothes
only mean so much
To those of us,
who never had enough.

Its time for something new
to born with in you.

Strangers pardon steps to close
They slink against the wall
Moving narrow not to arouse
Grinding consciousness
Against the fall
Weakness previals against the will
And cowards avoid eachother.
Some people are dead
Though they seem alive.

Stamen and Pistil
fistfuls and blissful
you concrete my grounding


deep cave diving
tall tree climbing
The smell of you is astounding.

Nectar and pollen
like ***** and *****
Rod is fallen
serpent does yearn.

My flowers bloom
only under your moon
and your sun light just
bakes me away.


Couldnt have known you
a moment to soon
and the moment just
takes me away.


Cycle spinning
cross over and spiraling
Moon whoreship sinning
frequency dialing

I think we are just feeling it out.

My dreams fell off the mantle
and the maid came in to sweep
now my shatter conclusions
are in the trash quite deep.

I have never been one
to extract from the dead
anything I needed
for anything in my head

I have always tried,
to sow new fertile ground
but they flames which in engulf
will give something profound.

Just like the death of some,
may very well feed my fuel
but my fuel would never feed me
for I am just a fool.

you breathed in me life
which before i had not
Brought me back from a corpse
which before had gone rot.

What it means to be alive
is something i never understood
what it means to survive
whether life is bad or good.

Who I am who I was
where i will be going
And if i chase the buzz
what chaos will be throwing.

Stark
All peel skin
Frayed edges
A thought quite
Polished
In the worser of ways.
I had rubbed raw the idea
And it had turned into a sorefar beyond blistering
The skin was chaffed.
Raw cut and open.
How many times did I have to weave
This thought through the coils of my brain
To bruise and defame
All of my sane?
I must have thought I was dreaming
To make such a terrible decision.

Pleasantries wiined in and through
Ever thinking of interesting
Of encapturing
What can I do
Dreams of all the ways of taking you.
And thoughts of how I have.
And I'm feeling kind of cursed
With these thoughts that I think
And I wish I only
Thought
Of those things I need
But I keep wanting pleasantries.

Tone deaf
Emotionally
Your infliction
Doesn't sway those
With out conscious.
And your manipulation
Doesn't sway those
With higher conscious.
Those lesser fools
Bringing cry to the feast
Who complain of their feet
Being sore on the eve
Yet they walked on them?

Beware of those who have more
Tragedy than you
At every corner
And watch how their stories of pain
Quickly become lies to refrain
Any sort of giving out of their way.

They must receive
And if you can't please
You are as needless as needs.

Don't fear desolation
It comes in waves.