Dark scented light,
to my immediate delight
shone on through my eye ways.
Nesting maggots in my eyes,
I've mistaken god for flies.
Building up to what i was,
newness to an old impostor,
faking till you think im softer.
Satan came with darkness tongue.
Liquid acid licked me till I's numb.
Newness to an old impostor
changing lifes take what your offered.
Drugs and needles, lying thief.
woke up dead to my relief.
Gave my arm to doctor havoc.
swelled my vein you cannot have it.
Broken seal, mid elbow bend.
I know what I've done, but everyone has sinned.
Waking night in cold cold sweat
when it comes to dope wish we never met.

My serotonin levels must be low. this addiction **** really blows.
I've cleaned the room now i clean my house.
Keep on my toes, not to offend my spouse.
I got a big mouth. With a blunt mind.
And if you got a problem well no problem of mine.
I just want happiness.... Refined.
I wish it was easy. I wish there weren't so many problems and rules.
Whats wrong with wanting a rush. using tools.
I wish i could save up all my happy moments and put em in a syringe.
See if I tell some one who loves me that there going to  cringe.
Thats why i wish it was easy, to be a person. Every one would do it, if we all had no purpose.
I can't explain why i'd rather, be incapacitated  than one day waking up out dated.
Out of context, no longer relevant. wasted.

I glance back, through time and space.
Pause at myself to see a younger face.
My oh my the ways I've changed.
Lifes all different now. Rearranged.
I wake up, looking at my ceiling, not quite exactly like the one before.
I try hard to remember the feeling, when my apartment had no door.
The windows mostly busted out, space heater on the floor.
A junkies life no doubt. Mother was a **** *****.
I find myself wandering back to the bathroom that first time.
My step a father said the needle would help. So i thought, okay fine.
I was a kid, ****** up by circumstances.
all around me grew deadly cancers.
Moms friends, Dads friends, my friends now too.
I had nobody else, what would you do.
16 years old living life like I shouldn't.
If i had a second chance i don't know that i wouldn't.

Shiver with the feeling of Ice mixing with my flesh.

Chills move through my body and out my chest.

Coldness in my nervous system  wind through my pores

And it causes me to listen, a hundred times more.

Its like a message from the Gods, or from Me, if I am that.

And yes I do question if I am a vampire or a bat .

If you get my drift, I wonder, you know, what this magic is.

and if I am the only one who gets to experience this bliss.

This dance we dance
these steps we take
This one last chance
to fix a mistake

I try to love you
You watch me break.

You know I love you
You know the stake.

We move together in waves of

pride and
days and nights


last longer now.

We move together in Stripes
of paint and Alcohol
It dries the air
it makes us faint
Makes us small

We move together, in shades of thought

My soul in yours
in eachother's we're caught.

Mud covered and dried.

Cracks in the skin.

I was a lover and then died

all because desireful sin.

I was a child, full of youth
and filled with you
and i wanted to .

You let me

I'm counting each breath I learn how to take.
It seems like they freeze right in front of my face.
Harden there like a mask to constrict my flow
Form into a shell of me until we are standing toe to toe.

My efforts, my words which have come to define me
Standing here in front, now surely looking to confine me.
Shes such a beautiful girl, I don't know why she'd defy me.
But just because she looks like me doesn't really imply me.

I had this dream the other night, standing by a mirror
I thought i caught a glimpse of some one, but then it got clearer.
It was me all coked up skinny and sad
begging for a fix but i said to bad.
She was therein the flesh not a reflection anymore
Begging and pleading picking at sores.
I couldn't take it so i shoved her to the floor.
I could beat her down, but i reach for the door.

She started to scream "but it feels so good i need it now"
I turned and ran looking for a way out.
Its my child hood home, kitchen and sink
The smell of the dead causes it to stink.
A past that haunts me, more than any ghost.
A past that has claimed my mind as its host.

Melted down past the elbow.
I uncovered what was lost
Sheltered by the broken window.
Half a gram at what cost.

Feeding in to old addictions
I find myself quite moved
Even though it causes friction
There's something I must prove.

Needle habit in my mind
Or in my vein or in my heart
Need exposure, i can't find
Need to get over this needle part.

Tracks are scared,
My veins are hard
The bulges and numbness stay.
How was i to know
that this was a part
Or that I'd live with it today.

So tired and so sad,
Influenced by step dad
To take just a dab
I would stop feeling bad.

Just take this belt and tie
You're wrist or you thigh
I'll stick this in your vein
and then we'll both be high.

And then we'll both be high.

You speak like an old man who thinks he is a child...

Or you speak like a child who thinks he is an old man.

What ever you speak, I see it laced with confusion.

You know nothing of Love and hate. Give and Take

and the beautiful Fusion.

You know nothing about any one else
You live from your mind,
from behind your eyes.
But I see through you, and
I see through them.

I see through her eyes, and I see through him.

You play a role, while I play many.

You want control , but your body is thinning.

You think your on a roll but selfishness is winning.

You think you know, but in that, you are sinning.

You scoff at religion, you think you see through it.

I see into the words of many men past us by

And i can hear their voices in the stories
and I can hear thier cries.

and The difference between me and you

is I know why.
and you can't wait to die.

I will cry for those less fortunate
and you think because they lose you thrive.

WOn't you just ask yourself.

why.

I offer my flesh, I offer my blood

I will be your sacrifice

the chew that you cud.

I will be the one to suffice

for the ones that should

But never could.

I will be the hanging christ

for those never given a savior

For those never aloud to savor

Happiness and contentment.

I make that my commitment.

Secretions of compassions
Given unto those who feel not

love from those they need.

Who feel not their souls
which need be freed

Who feel not they could
Ever succeed.

Secretions of Love
Given to those
who are pure as a dove


But suffered like Christ.

The innocent, not yet taught
Of responsibility,
and Clarity
and control
of your mind.
The innocent who have been

Hung on the cross

Forced to suffer

for no apparent reason.

Secretly  I have stored things
and you will never see them
never break them
never free them
never take them.

They are mine and you wont hate them.

Secretly I am so many things
That you have never known

Not known me like a father knows his daughter
Or a lover knows her bed.

You dont know what causes me to falter
Or what lays inside my head.

You dont know the panging of my stomach
the growls would raise the dead.

You dont know me

My desire,
Is the want for your
My love,
Is your wholeness.

and if you want my love
you will give me closeness.

ANd will will be defined
by our affinity

for eachoter

I went to visit him...
All dry skin and breathing machine
All medicated up, and the nurses were mean.
All  cancer ridden but the floors were clean.

All love in his heart but his mind was gone
how did this end up so terribly wrong?

He passed on that next morning.

I got a call from my father mourning.

He said please, i beg you, as I'm on the run
I can't make the funeral so you'll be the one.
I am truly your grandfathers only son
and you are my heart
please go for me.

I was never very strong
I was always very weak.
and even though i had a future
it was always very bleak

So i ate a klonopin
before the funeral home
and i hoped i could keep the pain in
every one was there but i felt alone.

and then my ***** mother walked in

and I felt she might attack

So ran out the back
and i ran down the street
My dress flying up, my sneakers quite clashing
My brains boiling my head was bashing.


I stood by the road until the persession ran
By time the cars drove past me i couldn't stand

I climbed in a car
and road to the grave yard.

Time is warped and i dont remember the burrial
I remember the rose... I remember it was april
and i threw it out, of the window.
and it flew like i wished for his soul to fly

I never saw it land............

Flowers grow for fun and they grow for life
they grow in frozen ground, they survive in strife
Flowers smell so sweet you know
Like honey tastes on the tongue

Flowers remind of those that i used to know
Way back when I was young.

I broke that middle bone
the one they call the spine
It fell apart today
while I stood in line.

I was waiting for some love,
or some appreciation
I broke my back to day
in mid frustration

while i handed my pride to you
and begged that you would keep it

Keep it clean for me,
cause later i would need it.

My back bone broke, it even might have bleeded.

and with out that stupid thing i dont think i ever would have
succeeded.

So now that my back bones gone
my spine has dissapeared
I guess i will just wither away
This is always what I've feared .

Twisted flesh still breathes
Twisted minds still lead
Candy flavored but not sweet.
This is not who I wanted to be.


I can feel the ***** edging its way up.
Its early in the  morning and I've already had enough.
Life is like a box of ******* nails
Nobody gave you **** you gotta build it.

intimacy with the needle
is quite strange
from a sober point of view.
Considering how close I was with it
and then, Now How I dont rememeber much of it.

Just the feeling of exposure.
The feeling of closure
The needles pressure
The meths CC measure.

The dreams i had passed out on the couch
Overdosed I dont remember,
But they must have been something
for me to shoot  a gram or more a day
into my vein
at 16 years
and
80 pounds.

We were all three so high
Mommy step daddy and daughter.
I was sixteen
My mom was so mean
She beat the **** out of me
For no reasoning.

And her old man, he had been raised the same
So understood, like we had the same brain
and he loved me, more than his own daughter.
Yeah I loved him more than my own father

He was ******, and i had always wanted to be..
A high school flunky, that was definately me.
A sick twisted mind, wrapped in sick twisted slime
**** I was an addict before my time.
10 years old watching movies about herion,
and *** and ******
and cigarettes and*******.
Needles intruiged me, I was insane.

So when Jon came in to the bath room
and said you wanna shot
I pulled out my arm,
sweat beaded hot.
He pulled out the blood,
mixed with the **** rot
Pushed it back in and it felt like a clot.
Moved to my heart
I could taste it in my mouth
in to my brain
I was passing out.

Back when I was
strung out.
Back when I was
16.
Right after I had
Gotten out
of *******
DOC
My mommies old man
Decided he liked me.
He never touched me
But he did help me.

He protected me
From her wrath

and most of all

He stuck that needle in my vein
He sent that **** to my brain
see he cooked it in the bathroom
and the smell was insane

It smelt like the inside of a bottle of pills
and the bottle would swell.
I'd say he shook it well, cause you know
he never caught the house on fire.

And I had never been higher.
Have you ever shoved the plunger down so fast
You past out.

He would keep my blood in the needle
say it made him higher.
I dont know if he was telling the truth
because he was a liar
But he fought the blade from my hand
He said he could understand
and with tears in his eyes
he watched as i cried.

Boring, no shift, no vibration.
But like when you get smacked in the face
or land to ******* your feet
and they buzz.
Thats not boring.

When you hold still long enough
and you fade out of the lines between
Your body and your mind
and empty space.

Thats not boring.

But its nothing like
the exhilaration
of getting smacked in the ******* mouth


by some one you trust.

No its not boring to relax
but its so exciting
to have the **** beat out of you
or to hurt yourself.

I wish i had, i wish to hold.
Extremely tender, when I should have been bold.
I wish i had you in my arms.
Sadly i could not stop the harms.
You have vanished before we touched.
In my heart i have you clutched.
I don't know why i long for you
but its all I ever do.

This month could have been so stressful.
It could have been impressing.
January had the chance to be so beautiul.
A baby I could be dressing.
Regret is such a small word for the way I feel.
I can't believe this course in life, it doesn't feel quite real.

The word mother echos in my head
For a beating heart that is now dead
Calls for me from behind psyche walls
Digs into my heart with unborn claws.

Suckles on my love, like it would a breast
Diving in my brain making a nest.
Draining me of energy, happy and smiles
Making me feel that I've murdered my child.

In my brain this little one lives
Totally real and manifested
I think alot of who she would be
What do i know, it could've been a he.

Its tiring now to think of love
When something I created has been sent above.
It's hard to look very far at my future
With this wound wide, needing sutures.

Its like I want a second chance
at being a mother
But I'm scared i would only
Smother

The responsibility would be to much to handle
But each night i hold up a lit candle
Praying to take my little one to heaven.
Since in the womb, she only made it to week 7.

I was told, you know, look its just cells
But when i saw it my heart fell.
I tiny baby just so small
Little fingers made my skin crawl.
Little arms and dotted eyes
I wonder if her soul cries.

She is old and kind of ugly now
But i see her pictures she was cute
My grandmother.

She yells obscenities at us kids,
at the younger ones at least
All in good heart
not in ethics though.

She seems to know something
None of us do
Yet she seems to me
Clueless too.

Rigid and mean, it must have been a hard life
Never calm and serene, she must have known strife.

She is a gypsy of sorts
Rings on her fingers
Blonde hair never brushed
She drove that semi so long
Its permanently wind swept...

She burns wood in the garage to keep her
8 dogs warm...
and the rest of the animals, are inside.
Birds, and cats and fish and a raccoon

Who I swear she loves more than any of us kids.

But they have been there you see...

We never were. She's to hard
But I try my best...
To stack her wood.... To clean her house when I go over.
I even give her bags of **** for free...
Just so she can feel appreciated.

She is a woman after all... all she knows is give
she is terrified of take
so you have to let her.

[no non no non

Floating, in amniotic fluid
as if i could
fly away from here
But still
I need you near I need you near.

My womb My place of peace
Pieces of you in me.
My womb,  my place to ****
What ****** you of is in me.

And I am hear,  to test the waters
Your Womb
Is it in me?

My sanctuary
My harrowing disposition...
Do I effect any decision
you make?

Please, my womb, is inside of you
My place of peace my place to ****.
My face to yours
the heart I miss

My womb, My Amniotic fluid
My fetus in the womb..
Raise it if I could.
Your heart, your ****
My womb, My amniotic fluid.

My place of piece.
Pieces of you in me.
My womb in you
Exhume!!
Take me out before I am ready
life is just to heavy....

Life can be fun

I was speaking with God last night
He was pretty clear, he said
I am with everything and
I am always here.
He said I am the choice you make,
The will you take
the hearts you break.

He said I AM your will for life,
and I AM your husband and wife
and I AM the love you give
to every one, and your self.
He said beware, Of endless suffering
and becareful not to let it in
He said watch out for the scoundrel pity
Because You will lose site.

There is, this ever turning flow,
Its to teach us, how to grow
and its painful yes I know
But its worth it, and that shows.

See the scars on my arms, they are very old
and they fade out, but they never go
and i try hard, each and every day
to try to live my life a Better way.

Because thats GOD< The desire to be better.
Thats God, sending love letters
Thats God, connection with others
Thats God, letting Go.

Some people hurt you
thats because they are hurting
and its not your fault
and you weren't deserving
but they didnt know better
because we all want to be good.
We all try for justification
and try to do what we should.
Sometimes things go wrong,
and we impose
COme on to strong,
step on others' toes
But we have to heal we have to
learn to let Go.

Sweet romance and the glitter around her eyes
You want to love her, but when you touch her she dies.
You want to need her but she seems in a distant paradise
You can't control her and she can't control her eyes.

Honey scented and quite insecure
She will definately lean on you
Thats for sure

She will hold your hand and follow you
through this life

She would even be your wife.

But that sweet romance and the glitter in her eyes
Its her hopes and dreams she thinks while she dies
Its her old age because she doesnt think heaven will be nice
Its her closed off self and her sultry eyes

You want to love her, but at what price
Dont try to shove her,

I hurt myself more than what you think.
I bite my tongue and cheek and lips in anger.
I chew the skin from around my fingers.

Its passive aggression

Its me trying to survive

its just something small

cover up this huge gaping hole.

Its Obsession
its compulsion

and when I was on acid the truth came out.
I tasted the blood and like a child

I spoke

I hurt myself all the time you know?
I giggled
I dont know why, I wish I could stop.
(embarrassed)
I bite the tip of my tongue, its always swollen.
I chew my tongue like gum I cant stop.

Looking to you my sweet husband as if you were my father
Please love the way I was never loved by any one else.
I have hidden so much from the world in hopes of survival
and its killing me

You play guitar so eloquently.  I desire your rhythm.
You create sound, vibration with the flick of a
Wrist.
While I ****** my own.

Your pick is plastic, harmless to the flesh
and you make love to your guitar
as you stroke her strings.

I ****** myself slowly plucking away
at my own strings.
With my own pick.

My edge is razor sharp, as is yours
just two different perspectives.

You think quickly and remember
the sound each string makes

While I fumble from vein to vein.

I once saw you working down stairs
and you slid a staple into the wall
and it reminded me
Of sliding needles into my vein and ripping them
out.
SO it would bleed,
more than any one ever should.
I feel this now, in my veins.
Its healing in some way.
To write about the past
and hope you dont go back
because that would mean
dying

I swallow hard
Its not difficult for me to
Tolerate.....

Pain.



I dissociate on levels you would never understand
because its more difficult to consciously
hurt yourself.

its way harder to hurt yourself
than it is to just forget
That the veins your strumming
With the pick of a razor
are your own

Splintered bones and Feathers

Lay in the pit of my stomach.

Feline I am prowling deep in the jungle.

Call me eve, I am the beggining
and I will be the end.

I will birth this light and destroy it.

I will limit what I create.
I will nestle it so tightly

it will suffocate slowly.
The whole time thinking of

How warm it is in mothers arms.

It wont even realize its dying...

Savage like a wild animal
In my own rite,
I would **** you .

Like the rites of spring
mean anything
I would **** you.

I am an animal
Drifting in space
Claws out, Teeth cracking.

I will not surrender for I am
FEAR.


I will run miles,
and eat rotten flesh
I will **** my young
and
**** the rest...

I am an animal.
I am that place between animal

and God.

Becoming better
but still i thrive on
Instinct.

When Will that become

Awareness
Conscious
Ability

When will I direct the flow of how

Things Go.

When will I transcend

Instinct
and become
a GOD

Instead of this stupid animal
Acting on,
Fear.
Claws out Teeth Cracking
I will **** you.

This sacred vessel
I beg death not enter
I will grit my teeth
I will survive the winter

These songs that so many sing
I can hear them in my head
and I throw my hands like a mistro
Because I am not dead.

Oh I will not fight the vibration
I will not fight the spiral
I will join in the creation
Its contagious and its viral

I am floating in suspension
FOr that never ending wait
I beg death not enter
I want no heavens gate

Right here is my bliss
my hands on your chest
A counteractive partner
Hoping for east, never for west

Old age will not find me
New beginings will be free
Death cant take this mind
But it will take this body

If the Sun is a pupil
The Moon an eye too
and they are both fish
Swimming from me to you...

If the love that I have is a
Magnetic pull
and the friction that you feel
Is part of it all ....

Then why do we fight baby,
when we can love
Try not to hate me
I'll try not to shove.

I'll try not to scratch you
When your scared I'll eat you alive.
Your terrified of me
even though your twice my size...

So does that make me the Moon
The mother
Off all
and you are the SUN
I am at your beck and call.

God I love you, God I see you....

I see God in your face my beautiful man.

Love and hate
Man and Woman
Night and day
What will I summon

Magnet Lights
Dancing

All for eachother...

We were looking at eachother and in our thoughts
We saw how we had been the players behind
every single mask.
We had fought for love for centuries.
We broke it so many times.
We tried so hard, and we destroyed each other.

We played each other some days
Begging for another chance

but this time I think we have it
We have done it all together so many times
We couldn't possibly break it now...

You spoke of hopelessness and dispair
and Like A robot I put my two hands together
and made the loud sound of a gun
as I placed my fingers in my mouth.

You didn't get the relation between
What you were saying
and my interpretive dance.

But there were times when I was thinking you should repent
and you fell to your knees screaming for christ

and I knew that you did understand
with out me even saying a thing
or moving.

So when you said, I need to heal

I said I try to keep it clean
and I put on  lip stick with my finger just like the gun
and twirled my hair
and kissed your finger.

And you laughed. we both laughed.

We live such a high life.

We stood in our room
throwing a tennis ball
back and forth on valentines night.

I thought of give and take.
Taking turns.

You lit a candle and we talked about

Which candles were safest to use
So we didnt ruin our lives.

Burning down the house
Setting the bed on fire.

And when I dropped the ball, you sat down the lighter.

But it stayed lit.

Now theres a burn hole in the dresser

and I will always remember, taking the time to blow out

Every single candle
Because I was terrified to lose you.

And in my acid brain, that lighter burning the hole

In the dresser

Was a warning from GOD ALMIGHTY

That I needed to be conscious of the Love I give you.

Dare to fear me and blame your self
You may be asking for something dead
and Speak this fear and live it out
You may be dying in your own head

But let that go and you will see
That I am beautiful and I dont sting
You are lovely and you wish to be
Once we heal we will both sing

I love you like I love myself
Clearly and so true
I love you as I love every one else
But remember you are them too.

You move in shades of thought
Exhilaration over comes me
You are the heart I've sought
Your flesh and mind succumb me.

I move to thoughts of you
An Angel and a Demon
You are every thing true
Electrolytes and *****

Similarity confines us
But i see differences too
Our Minds bind us
As we rub each other with glue

You are the savior and I am your wife
You speak through your behavior
I guide you in this life

I am the mother, you my sun
You are my brother
My everything and every one

Edgy yeah thats the way I have been
Sick and ******* tired of trying to be a friend.
Tell me now, have you felt that way before.
And if you have, could you tell me something more?

Are you the one always trying to make peace?
Are you the one constantly kissing others' feet?
Are you the one simply wasting away
While you sit and listen to ever one elses day?

**** that, You've been to good to them
And now its time they try to be a friend.
You've listened to their problems, whiny *******.
But if you try to share your art or poetry they wont sit.

They wont listen.
They have better things to talk about.

They dont care about your problems or how you've turned them into art.
They are just waiting for you to shut up so that they can start.

God i ******* hate selfishness.

You were like nothing I had seen an open window ready  for me to make my escape
i never thought i'd need an  easy way out , but I guess you only get what you can take.
I was always one for taking to much fun and not giving in to the things i'd done
but the things i'd do, I'd do for you and can I ask, if you would do them to.
You were like a door way out, but i was scared of the town we were in and i waver closely only to places i  had been. And some times a door left open is never used, despite the fact that the cat had the chance choose.  Was I the cat runing forth and back waiting for a chance to slip away unseen, cause my morales couldn't stand to be mean.
Would I be the one to hurt you as long as i didn't seem to. Would i be the one to take what wasn't mine. I couldn't be unkind, I couldn't be unkind.

I wish that you would love me, the way that i love you.
I wish you were sentimental and did the things i do.
I love all of the work you do and how you take care
Its just some times i feel like lifes not fair.
You pay my way and make me proud
please don't misunderstand
You make my heart pound
and I've given you my hand.
But I am a woman insecure
and this i know you know for sure.
So please love me babe like i love you.
Please do the things that i do.

Its easy to tense up
to shiver
and then ignore everything inside.
Its easy to jump in
The river
and then pray to god that I die.
Its easy to forget about the love
All of its from you

I choke...
See this life didn't turn out how I planned.
Some where there was a twist in the story.
And I had it all sketched in the sand
But the ocean washed away that glory.

I can't breathe
But I inhale like mad
and I know that you loved me
But You just made me feel bad.

I never wanted any of this really.
No savior, no lovers bed...
I guess that probably sounds silly
But again, I am ***** in my head.


You ruined this for me,
You ruined me for him.
and I will never be
anything more than sin.

I'm sick of ****, so wasted too
I'm ******* sick youth ****** by you.
I called the cab, who never came
At least before we were the same.

You get to sick you get to ****.
You get under my ******* skin.
Not like the drugs, the needles then
You take me over, i refuse to win.

I need release I need some peace
I need your love to ******* cease.
I'm tired here I'm wasted near
I need no love from you dear.

I'm sick of you. You call me too
Think I'm a friend, an enemy
I'm fed up with you. Just nice to you
I just don't want to be mean.

My heart has chaffed even thought i kept it safe.
I told you i wasn't scarred, keeping up that story proved hard.
Now I need your accuracy, give me all your precision.
I don't have any one but you to stitch up this division.

Plants, and books, and dog cat bird.
Janis singing on the speakers, have you heard?
Smoke in the air, joint on the table.
Try to write, will I be able?
Wood couch, wood floors,  Nag champa burning.
You’re gone at work, and my heart is yearning.
Cobain, and Lennon stare from the wall.
Its already gotten so cold this fall.
Pumpkin on the porch, Dream catcher on the door.
You know I always love you more.