There’s Something You Need To Know
Every time I begin to tell this story, I always start it off by telling people that you were the absolute, best person I could have ever wanted to spend a small part of my life with. Though we didn’t end up together, I never think of the year and a half that we spent together as a waste. At one point, you truly were the best thing that had ever happened to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t underestimate what we had because of how it ended. I know to you, we can never be friends, and you probably don’t think the best things when you hear my name, but breaking your heart was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Watching you go through something I never intended on putting you through practically ate at me-day and night. As much as you don’t want to admit it, the two of us weren’t meant to be together, and I was hoping with some time you’d see that too.
“What’s worse? To have your heart broken, or to break someone
Easy.
I’ve had my heart broken in the worst way, actually it happened after my relationship with you. It destroyed me. I mentally felt like I was losing a part of me everyday. Physically? I felt like someone hit me in the stomach every time I tried to breath. It made me question who I once was and if I’d ever come close to being that girl again. I don’t even think you would have recognized me.
But I need you to know,
It hurt significantly more to break your heart. I would have rather felt my heart break everyday for the rest of my life than to have had to watch you lose yourself that day I said goodbye. There was no way I could have avoided it. If I could have, I would have done whatever it took. Some nights I prayed you’d find someone else, and just call it off with me. I prayed you’d get tired of my mood swings and irrational overthinking. You never did. You were patient, kind, loyal, and loving. I don’t think I’ll ever meet a person that has a heart like yours. You loved everyone, even when they didn’t deserve loving.
You were my best friend. But that was the problem, I needed a best friend in a boyfriend, but I only ever felt one of those for you. I’m not trying to imply you didn’t give me the right amount of love or attention-you were perfect. But after awhile, the jokes and the laughs felt more like a friendship than a relationship. I tried to wait it out to see if it would change, it just never did.
I think of you a lot now, and each time I do I envision you with a life you deserve. An amazing girlfriend that you’ll hopefully propose to one day. A great job that you worked your *** off for. Your family all healthy, and your ability to make people laugh still going strong. I want the best for you, and though the feeling probably isn’t mutual, I needed you to know
I need you to take away something from this. It was that I tried. With every little bit of energy I had left in me, I gave it my all. I’m sorry the end result was something that hurt .

You chose addiction over everything else, including me.
To the parent that chose addiction,
I used to wonder what I did to deserve this but I've slowly realized it isn't me, it is you. You were great whenever I was younger. You attended every school event, every soccer game, family gatherings, and so on. Our nights consisted of slushie runs and long talks. You were my best friend, biggest fan, and rock to lean on. It's weird because I've lost a parent but you aren't physically gone. I could resent the fact that you are like this but instead, I am writing this article for the sole purpose of thanking you.
Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.
It started with just hurting certain people but over time, you hurt everyone around you. Through the struggles of disappointment and being hurt constantly, it brought the entire family closer together. I never realized how blessed I am to have such an amazing family and the importance of it all until you pushed us away.
Thank you for showing me how to stand on my own.
Without two parents, I have faced a variety of my own problems. I didn't have someone to run to whenever my mom was busy trying to do everything on her own as a single parent. I am learning more and more every day on how to be independent.
Thank you for making me love myself more than I ever knew I could.
I no longer put my happiness in others. At any moment, the person that made me happy can walk out of my life. I don't need anyone in my life that makes me feel unwanted. I do not put effort into things for short term happiness.
Thank you for not being there so my stepdad could be.
He is such an amazing human being. I don't have his blood, but he continues to love me unconditionally. Without your absence, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to bond with him as well as I have.
Thank you for showing me how I shouldn't be treated.
I don't settle for less than I deserve. No man will ever treat me like you have in the past because I will not allow them to. I am worth so much more than that.
Thank you for showing me how to turn hurt into something good.
I am more motivated than ever before. I am motivated to do something amazing with my life because I don't want to be looked at as an addicts daughter. I don't want sympathy or people to doubt me due to my father's actions. I will not follow in your footsteps. I have used you to make a better version of myself.
Sadly, I can't drag you out of this hole you have dug for yourself. However, I can promise I will be there at the top waiting for you whenever you find the strength to climb up. Letting go of you has hurt me deeply, but holding onto you will only hurt me more.
Love, your all grown up princess (I'm sorry you're missing it

Suppose you aren’t living, yet you aren’t dead. You have a conscience, and you don’t understand what you are. You are not a physical form, but are closer to an empty spirit. Although you do not have a physical form, you can still feel things. You can’t move, and are isolated in an area with walls covered in silhouettes and splattered in color. This, is a representation of your imagination.
You know that there is something outside of your imagination, but you have not the slightest idea what it’s like or what to expect. The things outside of this isolated world are what you spend your time thinking about. You wonder about these such things for quite a while, trying to simulate what the world would be like- at least what you think It’d be like.
You often doubt whether your simulations are accurate or not, and if there even is a world outside of these walls, but that doesn’t stop you from thinking. You enjoy being alone, yet at find it extremely unsettling. You like the silence of being solitary, yet you wish something, just something was there to comfort you, meaning you are afraid of your own conscience. You’ve been afraid of your own self ever since you realized that there’s no way out of your mind. Wait, is there? Are you more than an empty spirit? Can you leave this room? No, you think to yourself, but as time goes by, you think of it as possible, that there’s something other than this room.
The silhouettes on your wall change regularly, according to your thoughts, and what goes on in your mind. You’ve been thinking of escaping this cube lately, therefore the silhouettes on the wall look more populated than usual, and seem to be tearing at the walls. They look like they’re trying to set themselves free, and are covering the walls more and more as you think about them. That’s it! You think for one moment that you can use the silhouettes to break down the walls, and you’ll be able to leave this room. But how? They are just silhouettes. They can’t do anything, can they? In that moment you think to yourself that if you try hard enough, you can do it, just a little bit of effort, and you’ll be free.
You know that the silhouettes don’t have any weight, and wonder how you’ll tear down the walls, but you remember the colors. Yes, that’s it. You can use your imagination more and more and produce colors! But, how to you get your mind flowing? Just keep thinking? Think really hard? Think of escaping? Or maybe, if you didn’t think at all, the walls would be splattered in white. Yes, you could think as hard as you could, splatter the walls in color, then stop the thoughts, and cover the walls in white. Keep this up, and the weight of the colors will eventually pull down the walls.
All of the sudden, the cube starts to dissolve. You feel yourself falling, and can move. It’s a nice feeling, a bit frightening, but nice. You see lights, everywhere, different colors. Blue, black, violet, dark colors, with white stars. “Quite beautiful,” you say aloud. You’re falling from the room, and watch it grow smaller as you keep falling. Suddenly, you stop falling, you just float. You look around to see a galaxy extending in all directions, never-ending colors and stars.
Quite fascinating to look at, space. Although it’s cold, very cold. You feel as if you’d die; freeze to death, but can you die? You sit in shocking realization. You’d never thought about death before, and now you were seriously considering that you might die. Why hadn’t you ever thought about death? You’d always been protected by the cube, it gave you warmth, and let you live. It didn’t offer much, you couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, nothing, but it had been protecting you from this world the whole time. You’d taken everything for granted, and had just thrown your life away.
“I’m not meant to be here. What have I done. I’m going to die. No no no no no.” You start to get agitated, and furious. What is this? Some kind of trick? Why were you meant to be in a cube your entire life? Who created this? Why? Your mind overflows with questions, about the universe, about your existence. Still freezing, you wonder whether or not you are the only one here. All of this, the never-ending sky, the colors, the lights, the stars, they had to be meant for something! Of course, that something wasn’t you.
Your vision starts to blur, and you’re beginning to feel lightheaded. Maybe you really can die. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so curious. Maybe you should have just stayed where you were. No, it wasn’t maybe, it was definite. You can die. You shouldn’t have been curious. You should’ve stayed in the cube, where you would’ve been protected forever.
What happens when you die? You sit with a feeling of uneasiness, mortified. Do you reincarnate? Or… Do you never get to live again, ever. You start to tense up, almost stop moving altogether. Think about it, Death. Terrifying, the way you live your life as a spec, just to have it taken away in the end. Death, really the only thing to be scared of in life. Death, does it come with pain? Or, maybe you just, float way, peacefully. Does your life flash before you…? You had lived so long, but you feel as if it’d just started. No matter what happens when you die, you were not ready for it at all. You were terrified, to the point where you could probably die of fright.
You desperately try to get back to the room, even though it’s in pieces. You struggle and eventually make your way back to the section of space where your room had been. You grab on to a piece from one of the walls, screaming, sobbing. You hug the piece, and shrivel up, feeling the colorful wall on your fingertips. Crying hysterically, you plead for another chance to live, for the cube’s protection and care, but you can’t. It was over.
Your emotions start to dull, and the cold isn’t affecting you as much. Your anger and sadness turns in to acceptance and understanding, and you’re no longer blaming your creator for giving you an uneventful life, but blaming yourself because it was your fault. You are the one who broke through the walls. You were the one who left the room. You are the reason that you’re dying. No one is at fault but you. You did this all by your self, and no one helped or encouraged you.
Your vision changes from a blur, to almost nothing but smudged colors and white speckles. Your tears dry up, and as this happens, the image of space is burned into your mind. It was beautiful. The colors. The galaxy. The stars. They were faint, but beautiful. You just needed to remember this sight, it’s important to you. This one moment that you aren’t isolated. This moment you can move. This moment you can see things other than paint and silhouettes. As you stare into the blurry scenery, you start to go numb, lose consciousness, fade away. You yourself is gone, but your light will remain there forever, as a star.

You never listen to people’s words - you listen to their actions. Promises mean nothing to you, neither do intentions. You learned at a very young age that it’s not the thought that counts. The “I Iove yous” and “I miss yous” and the “for better or for worse” don’t mean a thing unless they’re executed through actions: The being there. The showing up for someone. You don’t care about the, “but baby deep down you know that I love you..” No. People actually have to show you they care to win your heart l.
You don’t flinch when people ask about your parents. You have memorized the script back and forth. You have dealt with trust issues for as long as you can remember. Yeah, you don’t want the cliché labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. You don’t need anyone’s sympathy. You don’t want anyone’s pity - so you will always try to keep this part of you hidden, it’s just a part of you, but a part that’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in your bones, a tiny inkling that you need to fight every time someone tries to get close to you nevertheless.At the same time, love scares you. When you finally start to feel safe with someone, you question it. How can you not?  You’ve seen firsthand how even true love can break into a million pieces, bringing out the worst in people. How fireworks eventually combust, how commitment breaks like glass, how people promise to be there until "death do them part," for "better or for worse," but promises don’t mean a thing.So you put up a shield you spent years crafting - it’s a strong shield, preparing you for the worst. Abandonment is your worst nightmare, because you’ve seen how no matter how much someone may love you, they can leave. And that is the most terrifying thing you have ever learned. If the one relationship you needed to work more than anything fell apart, it’s fair game for any other relationship to break. For anyone else to decide it’s not worth it. For anyone else to decide you’re not worth it. It broke your heart to see your parents in pain. You’ve seen them in their most vulnerable states - you’ve seen the fights leaving them burned and confused, so you’ve made a promise to never let yourself be in that state. No matter how much you love someone, you’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. You do it for protection.When you do let someone in, it’s hard for you to not try to control the relationship, to not have anxiety every time they don’t respond to your calls when they’re out - “Let it go. You’re worrying for nothing” you reassure yourself. But anxiety always seems to win.You have a big fear of the unknown. So you compensate. You’re driven, you’re unapologetic. You relish in your independence, you go after what you want - fearlessly, without caring about the approval of others. You will seem bulletproof. The people who have have experienced the most pain always do. You know you can’t control other people, but you also know that there's always a silver lining. Even the worst situation or event have a positive aspect. For you, it’s your drive and empathy.When you do love, you love unconditionally. You will give your partner all of your love and effort as a way to keep the flame alive. You want it to last. There’s still a part of you that won’t ever stop fighting for true love, a small part, but a part you'll do anything to hang on to nevertheless.

You like love, no not that flittery flirty feeling. Not the idea of love. You know that love is sacrificial. Love is ferocious. Love is much more than the “I loves yous” when things are going great. To you love is not breathlessness, but someone who makes you breath. To you love is effort, time, understanding. Love is not leaving when things get hard, remaining faithful in the face of uncertainty, when it’s not easy. That’s what you define as love. When you commit, you commit fully. You know too well how easily commitment can break, and the scars it can leave. When you’re with someone, they have to actively choose you every day to win your heart. You need to fall asleep, and wake, knowing your heart is safe. Unlike most, you don’t care about a pretty face or the grand gestures of love - you don’t need anyone to light a hundred candles, serenade you with soft guitar music or romantic trips to Paris. You need a kind soul. A big heart. A steady hand.You’ve always loved differently than others - you were much more aware. You find problems after the first date. How can you not? When your father wasn’t there, it makes you cautious, observant of other people, you’re trained to see any red flags that could leave you heartbroken. You’re protecting yourself because you saw firsthand what happens when you don’t protect your heart. You saw the fights, the tears, you heard the screaming matches, the “undesirable differences” and you knew there had to be an easier solution, a balance, so when you love, you will fight, but you will also do everything to find that easier solution, anything to keep the love alive. You fight for love with everything you have.At the same time, your separation anxiety shows in the way you love. There are many layers to you. You try to control that part of you that you hate, that part that tells you that big love ends in shambles, that you’re not worth loving, that people leave, but sometimes, it comes out in the most inconvenient of times. It’s such a contrast to your big, bold personality. Some days are a struggle. Your fears leave you on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and acting like you don't care at all.When you love someone, you can’t help your irrational fears every time they don’t respond when they’re away. You grasp on to the one you love, questioning their loyalty to you. You get angry, it's unproportionate, misdirected, the one you're really angry at is not them. It’s such an enigma - you’re so confident everywhere else. But love to you means questioning everything. You need to reaffirm their love sometimes, just to make sure it’s still there. You’ll do anything for love, but it also frightens you - there’s a constant internal battle going on. You have such a big heart, but it’s heavily guarded. The biggest hearts always are because they can break the hardest. You prepare yourself for the worst, because that’s how you protect yourself.Things like emotional strength pique your interest. You need to be with someone who doesn’t give up on things when it gets tough. Who finds sexiness in stability. Who looks at you like the you’re the most beautiful girl in the world without makeup on. Who loves you in your worst moments, loving all of you, including your edges. Who is patient with you, forgiving you for your moments of misdirected anger, because they know that underneath it all is just a fear of losing someone. This intense love is frightening, but despite your past you still believe that one day, you’ll be able to give someone your whole heart, walls coming down that you spent years crafting, crashing into them fully and never looking back. You don't regret what happened, because it's brought you closer to your mother, she's your biggest inspiration, your star, influencing you to get what you need before anything else - and that love has shaped your life beautifully.

I didn’t love you. I loved the way you loved me. I loved the idea of us, I loved what I meant to you. I won’t ever love you.
I'm sorry I couldn't fall in love with you, I'm sorry for pretending that eventually I would. I know when I walked away I left you shattered. I hope you're okay now and forgiven me.
We had a good thing going I know that's how you saw it, we were perfect together. But we never were. I was looking for a way out before we began. You can put the blame on me, I led you on. All those late night conversations, you know so many things about me that I never knew about myself. We spoke about the future and you always put me in yours but I don't even know where I'll be a year from now.
I am sorry.
It wasn't you and I know that's cliche but you were never unkind or mean, you actually were the nicest, most honest guy I've ever met and I was so lucky to have you in my life for the time that I did. You took the good with the bad, even though there was so much more bad than good. I made you believe things were better than they were and I know now I should've let you know instead of stringing you along. I knew my feelings for you were changing and I tried to ignore it, because you were amazing. You were everything I ever wanted but it wasn't enough, it wasn't real.
The hardest part about this was letting go, knowing you were crumbling inside yourself asking yourself what you did wrong. I received all the text and voicemails and it broke me to not answer but I had to let you go, you needed to know the truth. And to answer your question, yes I did try to love you but love shouldn't have to be this hard.
I wish love was enough to keep me. I wish the love you have for me was enough to fix everything. I feel like I’ve been apologizing for days now and I know they seem like empty words but I had nothing but good intentions. I never meant to ruin you. If I could rewrite this ending believe me I would.
I know its different now but I hope you’re well and you’ll always have a special place in my heart and I know that doesn’t mean much to you because your heart is sitting in the corner of my room where you left it. I know it’s different between us now and you don’t understand why I walked away but you deserve someone who can love you as much as you love me.
What I need you to know is that just because I wasn't the one doesn't mean she isn't out there waiting for you. You keep looking and you will find someone you deserve, someone who deserves you and loves you equally.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed but thank you for loving me.