Some day you will meet someone and everything you thought was true won't matter. It won't matter that you think you're not good enough or not attractive enough or not smart enough. Because they will look into your eyes and feel as if they no longer need the sun. Because you alone hold all the light and warmth they may ever need. You will be enough. You will be beautiful. And you will learn to love them by learning to love yourself. Hold onto that.

One day you will meet someone. And they will turn your whole world upside down. Their habits and hobbies will make sense to you, even if they never did before. The smallest things will remind you of them and you will fall in love without even meaning to. It will feel like your whole body is on fire every time you hear their voice or feel their touch. You’ll dream of them constantly and it won’t bother you. All your plans of the future will include them. You won’t be able to imagine a life without them and you won’t remember life before them. You will see the universe in their eyes and everything about them will excite you.
And then one day, out of the blue, one of you will wake up and suddenly all the love songs will seem cheesy and overrated. All the things you loved about them stop making sense, and you won’t know why. Talking to them at the end of the day doesn’t take priority anymore and they won’t know how to brighten you up as they did before. Dreaming of them will become another reason you didn’t get any rest during the night. The love will fade for one of you and there is nothing the other can say or do to stop it.
And the saddest part? You will lose them. You will lose the person who gave you a new outlook on life, the person who taught you what love meant. And at the end of every day you’ll look back and wonder why. And it’ll hurt. It’ll hurt so bad that you’ll want to rip your heart out. It’ll hurt so bad that you’ll want to hurt them back. It’ll hurt so bad that you’ll never be the same again.
You never stop loving them. You never forget the way they made you feel. Every night you’ll wish you could call them, tell them. Tell them anything. Anything. Just to hear their voice again. But it’ll be too late, because they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is be happy that they’re happy and hope that one day you’re as lucky as they were to be able to let go of the person who made you feel nothing and everything all at once.
I’ll never stop loving you, and I will never top missing you. But I know you’re happy, and that’s more than I could ever want for you. I just wish you were still happy with me.

They say we remember what is written in blue most of all. I disagree, I have written countless things in blue and never seem to remember any of them. I do, however, remember every drop of black ink I ever put on paper that read your name. I remember every bold black letter I have typed in tears from each time you let me down. And now, as I type this, eyes free of tears but mind flooded with thoughts of you I know I’ll remember exactly how it felt to let go of my self-respect and admit to myself that I don’t want to lose you. I know the best thing for me would be to forget you, but I also know I will never be able to do that. How can I forget the one person who made me feel for the first time in ages? How can I forget the first person I cried for in ages? How can I forget the smile in your voice when I admitted you made me happy? How can I possibly ever forget the sound of your voice telling me you loved me? How will I ever forget the way it felt when my heart shattered into pieces when you admitted you didn’t want me anymore? Impossible. So why can’t I let you go? Why can’t I be as logical as I claim to be? Why can’t I get the thought of us out of my mind? Of what we could have been.

I hate it when people tell me "you don't believe in god now because you haven't been through a situation where all you can do is pray the outcome will be good" well, where was your God when I was contemplating taking down an entire bottle of pain killers on a stomach that had been empty for days? where was your God when I chugged down half a bottle of ***** in an attempt to make the voices stop? where was your God when I prayed, with tears in my eyes, that I would get better? where was your God when I was sitting in the bathtub holding a blade to my wrist, hoping I would hit an artery? where was your God when all I could do was hope and pray that he would come down and save me? where was your God when I prayed for him to make the pain stop? when I begged him with everything I had to take me with him so that I wouldn't feel this way anymore?

I'm afraid to fall in love because I know what it feels like to love someone so deeply that it takes over your body. it's this feeling of despair mixed with happiness and it's so confusing. it's craving the other person in every aspect of the word, physically, mentally, emotionally. it's insanity, losing your mind over them. the jealousy and the feeling of insecurity that you might not be enough. the swelling in your chest when they say they love you and you feel as if you're floating. I'm afraid to fall in love because what happens after that, the crash, is too much. it's a feeling of despair and sadness. it takes over your body and washes you out like a tidal wave. you crave the other person but you know they don't feel the same and your cravings only strengthen. it's insanity, losing your mind trying to figure out why you weren't enough. knowing that you were never enough. and the knot in your stomach when they tell you they don't love you anymore you feel as if your whole world has ended.

you feel the tightening of your chest and the knots in your stomach, the lump in your throat getting bigger. all of a sudden you're drowning, but everyone around you is breathing. the crushing sensation settles over your chest and your vision is blurred . your ears are buzzing, not picking up on what anyone is saying. you can no longer breathe, but the pain gets stronger. you know that any minute you'll be blinded by how much your chest hurts. but then suddenly you see the one who saves you, but there's a twist to it. a sharp blade replaces who was meant to save you, the ocean you're drowning in is replaced by your mind, and so as you drag the blade over your skin over and over and over and over again until the only thing you can see is thick red blood, you can breathe again. the sun shines and colors seem brighter. you look down at your blood stained clothes but at this point the wave of regret gets smaller and smaller with every drop. you're too far gone to be saved, but you somehow feel alive.

I once met this girl with dark brown hair and tanned skin. her smile was so bright it could blind you if you looked too close. when she laughed you could see the sparkle in her big brown eyes. despite her harsh and slightly mean personality, she radiated a welcoming feeling that so many of us need. she was fearless and never cared what others had to say. so long as she felt happy, she didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. from time to time the sleeves of her jacket would slide up and countless lines of dried blood could be seen littering them, when anyone pointed it out she said it wasn't any of their business what she did to keep happy so everyone let it be for the most part. I once met this girl who's hair was dyed half blonde. her skin had paled considerably and the dark circles under her eyes couldn't be missed. her smile was so big that anyone could of been fooled by it, everyone was. when she laughed there was no sparkle in her eyes and her sense of humor had changed. alongside her slightly rough personality came a cold feeling of distance toward anyone who tried getting close, something most of us never wish to experience. she seemed fearless and tried her best to make sure people thought she was unique and that she really didn't care. from time to time the sleeves of her sweater would roll up and small, barely visible marks covered the surface of her wrists, very rarely could the dry blood be seen, but she didn't care if it was. when people pointed it out she simply shrugged. I once met this girl who had dyed dark red hair and pale skin. her smile looked forced upon her tired face. when she laughed it sounded like it physically hurt for her to force it out of her. her mean personality had disappeared and was instead replaced by complete indifference and this feeling of carelessness which a lot of us fear. she had completely given up on caring what others thought. from time to time the sleeves of her sweater would slide up and nothing could be seen covering her wrists, except the quickly fading scars. I once met this girl with dark black hair and pale skin. her smile was enough to fool anyone who didn't pay attention. her laugh became a faint shaking of her shoulders and a strange sound that resembled a real laugh. there was no sparkle in her eyes, which were baggy and dark at the bottom. she didn't notice what people said or thought about her because she was too busy trying to calm her racing thoughts. when her sleeves rolled up there was nothing to be seen. when she walked she faltered a few steps because her thighs were so so sore from the multiple deep cuts covering them. when asked about it she simply said she liked it and that it really didn't matter. I once met this girl who took so many pills her stomach didn't sit right for weeks, in hopes she wouldn't wake up in the morning. I once met this girl who told me that there was nothing she wanted to live for, that the people worth fighting for would be better off without her. I once met this girl with a haunted look in her eyes and demons in her head. In four years the girl with the bright smile and happy eyes became a haunting memory of a time that seems almost impossible now.

there's no one who's more afraid of commitment and falling than me, but I let go of all that **** for you. I was terrified that we weren't gonna work out, but I wanted to give it a shot anyway. why the **** couldn't you let go of your **** for me? am I not a strong enough reason? am I just not good enough? ****. I understand you're not happy but I could've ******* changed that. we could've been great. but you didn't give us a ******* chance to be anything more than a pathetic excuse for a couple... or whatever we were. you said I didn't let you in but in reality you always kept me at arms length, and sometimes further. I'm ******* through with this ****. but why does it feel like a part of me is missing? why does it feel like I can't ******* breathe anymore? like I'm missing something so important that I can't stop thinking about it.