I've dreaded that day for quite some time
The flowers aren't mine, they're hers
The smiles aren't mine, they're hers
The love isn't yours it's hers
and not only hers
but mine

Love,
Love that is real makes you forget
makes you depend
makes you forget
all of the lovers that have gone
makes you depend
when your heart beats louder than you hear
and when kisses are an escape
or a taste of chaos in your brain

love is the simple act
a simple act of feeling
feeling you
feeling through you

love is not the red red roses
but the long night talks to a silent television screen
love is the simple closeness and intimacy

a word you know nothing about
a word you judge you know
but intimacy is not only physical
but the way that I knew what you were going to say before you would
and catching the lie beforw it came out
and understanding your eyes don't lie

I hope you fall in love as many times as you please
but for what it's worth I'll never fall for anyone else
not for you
but for the thought of you and what it gives me

Nothing felt much different, until the day before
His touch felt the same and so did his kisses.
He still smelled and smiled the same but nothing was really quite the same to him

My foolish self
making jokes about him leaving me to my friends
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into
It didn’t think about it twice
not even once.
I gave it no importance
or tried not to

My anxiety was sparking
to the thoughts of good news
good ideas
good thoughts only
This good kind of anxiety
The anticipation
But nothing was quite the same

december 9th 1996
a rainy rainy day

but when i turned 22
everything was clam
everything was okay

tangled between the sheets
our bodies wrapped around each other
we smell like shampoo and feel like cotton pyjamas

when i turned 22 there was nothing but love surrounding me
a feeling of weightlessness
a feeling of joy

when i turned 22
we were sitting outside
with nothing but the city lights to clear our sights
and the stories kept coming
your childhood and ex lovers
your trips and adventures
while the music plays on in the background

when i turned 22 i had love on my side
and a hand holding mine

some night i just stay up till 4 in the morning
i don't know why
but i like the sound of morning
i like it when the sun just starts to rise
and i like the smell of the ground
and when the very first rays of light
caress my eyes
that is when, i know
i can sleep quietly
beneath the sounds of the city
beneath this world
broken beyond repair

Something started feeling wrong
the anticipation turned into what i dread most
anxiety

He walks in my room
with a lost look on his face
right then I knew

He sat on the couch,
He did not kiss me,
He did not touch me.

My hands were shaking
An elephant sat on my chest,
right then I knew
although I wish I didn’t

In a second, the words came out of his mouth
He didn’t want to be with me anymore
I didn’t know I would feel my heart break the way I did
And in silence,
the tears started to slide down my cheeks
It was the heaviest my heart had felt in years
I could not breathe
I heard him
but I didn’t want to

I suddenly heard myself asking;
Was it my fault?
Why am I not good enough?

I wanted to go for a drive
Something familiar to us
Something we shared for a year and half
Laughter, sing alongs
and all kinds of stories

I though maybe in that moment I could change his mind
show him who we are, or at least a part of us
Something that reminds us of our good days

What was I thinking?
I couldn’t tell you.
We talked. I felt myself agreeing.
Did I really?
Not at all

We left on a hug
I thought I was okay.

That night, I could not get any sleep
I think he slept like a baby

That day my tears carved a hole under my eyes
I looked the way I felt
trying to go on with a day I didn’t want to be living

He took his jacket and my heart with him.
I tried to get my mind off it

Everyone told me to surround myself with people I loved
That day, there was nothing I wanted more than to have him next to me
That day I didn’t believe it would be better
That day I did not believe that anyone loved me

Watery eyes, blurred vision
I didn’t want anything
Food felt like an obligation
That day I did not have to fake a smile
I wasn’t expected to

I was held close by the people I love and the ones who love me
I realize that today

Second day
A hazy day
The thought crosses my mind
Then stops
Comes and goes in flashes
A few tears crept their way to my eyes
But the day passed

Mama held me close that night
As I wept and she caressed my hair
She let me cry
She didn’t say a word
She was there
The way she always is
Thank you mama

STRENGTH WILL FIND YOU SOONER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD


With the love
I am overwhelmed
For the support
I am eternally grateful

This time, another heartbreak
not my first, certainly not my last
I decided to let go of the man who let me go
I have learned time after time, you cannot force anyone to love you

I have tried many times, and failed endlessly.

Love is not something you control
You wish you could but if the feelings fade away
They are not going to spark up again

Do not get your hopes up, the spark will not be present
The spark has faded
It is no longer a burning flames
But ashes to dust

hard work makes a woman strong
hard work and dedication go hand in hand

Dedication is loyalty to something great
Something greater than yourself
Some greater passion you build up inside

Dedication is sweat and tears
Sleepless nights scarred fingers

Dedication is the light at the end of the tunnel
Dedication is the feeling of accomplishment
The happiness of having accomplished something great

I once read somewhere something I relate to very much:

Us depressed children don’t think we csn make it till 18. Some of us do and some of us don’t.

And for us who do, it’s a bit weird because we haven’t planned for what’s to come after that.

And do you have any idea how scary that is?

It’s terribly terrifying.

I recently turned 21 and it is still as terrifying as ever.
Every day we get is another chance, another accomplishment for us.
Every time we get out of bed a rush of pride goes through our veins.

It’s hard to go on, but I promised to hold on
and I am
I hold on because that’s the strength
Giving up is not an option

But my god is it hard!
To feel nothing at all and pretend to taste the tenderness and biterness of life
To eat because you have to
To go out trying to snap out of it
To try and find passion in what you do and what you love
And mostly try to fall in love
Because you don’t really know how anymore

But some of us meet someone who will hold them in the middle of the night
and ignite something that was no longer there
As if in the fraction of a second
Someone found an on switch to your feelings
and everything started to rush in again

and it feels weird, because you don’t really know how feelings work anymore
but you try
and that’s the most important part

have you met someone
who coincides with your personality so well,
you'd think you're the same person?

the same person in two different bodies,
the same soul and feelings,
belief and fear.

have you met someone you shared so much with
but then again
nothing at all

for two years or ten years

this is a story, about losing a friend

but first of all,
here's the back story;

six years old, two little girls
who didn't quite fit in

they were bound together
by being complete opposites
the bully and the bullied
the weak and the strong

they grew up together
but apart
wouldn't talk for days
come crying in the middle of the night
to one another
or just tell each other a happy story

but friendships
need care and love
to grow
healthy and strong
and there was none

one of the little girls
grew older
grew stronger
left the nest
but was left behind
and tried not to turn back
oh so many times
but couldn't

now,
she's decided
she won't go back to a dark place
she won't put effort if she's not getting anything in return
because a heart can only pump so much blood
it will one day get tired
and eyes can only cry so many tears
one day they will dry

she tried
but it is no longer what it was

and well
the other six year old girl
she just left
careless and reckless
never looking back
never asking
never answering the endless phone calls

and what's sad, is that sometimes
overnight
the biggest friendships in the world
fade to nothing
in daylight

i cry too much
and i find myself in a lot of trouble
i am not pretty
or at least i don't find myself pretty
i don't feel comfortable in dresses
i don't like the way i smile
and i most importantly
don't like my history
i don't like the way
everyone let me down
i don't like the way
i let myself go down
i don't like it that i let myself
sink into desperation
i don't like being alone
but i didn't have any friends
i don't like the way i have been treated
and i don't like that i'm too nice
i hate that i could forgive
but never get forgiveness
i hate that i was a friend
and that i was used
i hate that my life turned to be this way
i hate that i was a creep
i hate i was the one with a condition
i know
now
that i hate
how
i never loved myself enough
to let anyone love me

You never know how it hurts till you're there
when you think you've seen it all
someone
will throw a rock at you
disoriented
you're gonna go places you've never thought you'd go to
almost drunk on reality you want to get lost
or just wander
but i'm pretty sure it's being lost
because i've never been so out of place out of time
out of rights
and everything is just so wrong
and nobody said it would be that hard
being on my own
i have learned that you were the only part i loved about myself
and you were the only thing keeping from murdering every part of me that was not you
you made me realise that i couldn't be fine on my own and all i was
all i ever have been was stuck in an illusion
the illusion that reality will set me free
the truth is, reality never set me free of myself
or anything
ever
and all of my fears
were everything i wanted to be
everything I always have been
a monster from within
i never learned to trust anyone not even myself
i learned to fear the clearest places
and love darkness
and i guess you are what you love
then, am i darkness?

Today is one of the days
when the night early, gets heavy on me.
And Today is one of those days when I just want to give up on everything
It was hard to get out of bed today, it was hard.
It was hard to work and work well
It was hard to smile to taxi drivers and keep conversations going
Because today I was stuck in my own brain
stuck in an endless conversation with myself.
And you know today is not the day to mess with me
Today is not the day to challenge me or encourage me
or mess with my emotions
I will be wreck, and I will cry, and I will scream and break glass

So please just don't make me feel worse than I already do.

Nobody has the right to put their hands on you unless you give them the right to

Your body, your property
It’s that easy actually

However you define yourself to be, man or woman
anyone
I repeat,
Nobody has the right to put their hands on you unless you give them the right to

Nobody has the right to feel entitled to to your body, but you
Nobody has the right to define you
whoever you may be

Here’s to you

I know, there are so many of you, like you

Who felt violated in their own body
Who felt the sting of words
The sharp double edged sword of them

You, who didn’t let the thiefs in but that’s why we call them that
the criminals who leave you traumatized

They might not have killed but they wounded to the core

A reminder:
It is not your fault.
It‘s not your fault whatever you wear
It’s not your fault however you walk
It’s not your fault

It’s theirs.

Don’t stay silent. Fight.

my tongue is tied in knots
it's you i think about
when i try to put myself to sleep
hand brushing the overflowing leaves of autumn
and heart racing like the wolves howling on a full moon
crawling inside my own skin
i thought i found my safe haven
until you swiftly brushed your lips on mine
making me fall
from what seemed like a mountain top
a skyscraper
into your arms
as down as it may be
i wouldn't mind the devil
watching us
close our eyes
as we melt into each other's skin
at last

i'm the worst kind of poet
the one who doesn't care much for rhymes or anything else
traditon is not something i'd conform to
but i do appreciate it

here's the thing
i am the worst kind of poet
because in my words
it doesn't have to rhyme
but it has to make you feel something

it doesn't have to be the most intricate of language
but it has to tell you a story

a story that is most probably mine

here's also why i'm a bad poet
i feel too much and am too much
or simply not enough
i'm either too interested or not
too in love or without a feeling

here's more
i'll tell you thr truth
but romanticize the pain
say something,
and its complete opposite
i'm a living paradox
the worst kind

i'm the worst because i'll simply say
that

i miss you


i love you


i hate you


are poetry
and i sure as heck am not

little girl,
six years old,
she thinks about her death.

she thinks how the world would be better off
without her.
she wishes upon stars
to find friends.

she knows she's not like the others.
she wrote the beautiful poems.

she was a smart kid.
she grew to be devastated,
by the reality of things.

she already knew that,
the world doesn't work
the way she wanted it to.

she was just sad,
all the time.

and as she grew older
she grew wiser.


today, this girl is seventeen.

going through a lot,
trying to be the best person she can

and in eleven years she did
what she never thought she could do;

be a beautiful poet

Before you talk behind my back
Know, that I am a human being
So are you

Surely, I am
flawed, messed up, broken, scarred
but I bet, so are you

You and I arr very different,
whether I know you, or not,
whether you know me or not
my ***** laundry, is mine
and so is yours
and I bet that you wouldn't like it if anyone
anyone
aired your laundry without your knowing
or approval
or created laundry, that was not even there


your jealousy, is not my problem
your anger isn't either
surely, i understand
people react in different ways

but please,
before you go around talking behind my back
know that i am human
that i have feelings

and i bet you do too

he held my hand
and i felt a tear in my eye
as he said that i'd grown into a beautiful young woman
in a moment i felt like i was five years old all over again
he aged a little
but he aged well
there's Oum Kalthoum playing in the background
and i can feel wind on my face
yesterday he removed the wheels on my bike
and yesterday he taught me not to fear planes
and today he's teaching me how to drive
and tomorrow i'm scared i won't need him
to teach me anything

The first rule of improv, is to say YES
Don’t block the flow or rythm

Don’t say no to the opportunity
To make something out of nothing
To create something beautiful

Look at it this way,
If you say no,
You’re closing the door
To a new friendship
To a new flame
To a new job
A new adventure

Don’t close the door,
To what may become
Something great,
Something bad,
A new experience,
A new lesson

Give yourself a chance

A cat got up,
Stuck in a tree

Didn’t realise how high it has gotten
It stands on a branch
Looking down
Too scared to come down

When help comes,
It becomes hesitant,
It doesn’t know;
To jump?
Or not to?

To let itself fall?
Or not to?

Because sometimes,
Help,
Is not as easy to take

My biggest fear,
Is not growing old,
Not looking old

Time would have carved my skin
With reminders of its passing
Reminders of the mistakes I’ve made
The falls I’ve recovered from

My biggest fear is forgetting
(Alongside death)
My biggest fear is not recognizing
The faces that made my days beautiful
The faces that made my life a little harder

My biggest fear is not recognizing any achievements or failures

I keep journals,
Struggles and great loves
I’ll make sure I’d remember it all
Or at least try

Coffee keeps you awake
on your feet
It keeps me on my toes
Wide eyed and tired

I become cranky,
It makes my heart race
I don’t like the rush

It makes feel weak
lacking in control

I like to be in control
To have my thoughts together

I like to be calmer
I already have a tornado brewing in me

there’s no age for heartbreak,
for the feeling that you won’t feel
the feeling you won’t feel the way you felt when you felt what your felt

And by that I mean that feeling is love

There is no age to feel love
Something I’ve felt
Something I’m feeling

For a while I felt numb to the core
Food didn’t taste the same
but that love
this love,
gave me life back
It reminded my heart to beat
loud
very loud
almost out of my chest
it reminded me of the most beautiful sound
the one
of the person you love
saying
i love you

Change is not a bad thing
We must change,
Adapt,
Or die

The thing is, we rarely consider
that we cannot stay the same person forever
That evolving is a part of who we are

Our skin sheds to be replaced by new skin,
Change is within us.

Friends will leave to go on their own
and you will do the same

Everybody’s flame must run out
and life will not be the same without them

You will grow, change, forget and your flame will run out.

But how will you be remembered?

There’s a traveler
Who went far away
Who ran away from everything he ever knew
Who thought he’d find something new

A backpack and a lot of hope
He came back with a couple stories

He said to me;
People laugh and people cry
All in the same way
People love and people hate
All in the same way
People hurt and people heal
All in the same way

From Mumbai to Beirut
Paris to New York
South Africa to Sydney

The language may differ,
The color of our eyes may not be same,
The color of our skin may just as well turn green or blue
The sun may rise at different times

But under skin and bone
We’re all the same

And he looks at me vaguely
For a few seconds quietly
And he asks me,

So why’d you think it’s so hard for us to admit we feel the same

‘Please don’t be in love with someone else,
Please don’t have somebody waiting on you’

It terrifies me to say,
that I’m terrified
You’d fall
For someone else

It terrifies me,
That her eyes
Speak louder than mine

And I’ll hold on
to everything you say
And I’ll capture every moment you stay

Don’t let go,
To find someone else who’s better than me
To hold you close
And make you feel like the whole world’s stopping now

I will hold you through the dark
and if you choose the way out

I’ll pack my things and go
But I’ll hold you close
Until I find
Someone else

To understand something you must go back to its origin.

The root of the tree, not the branches who’ve grown and dispersed.

To find something you’ve lost, trace back your steps.

Repeat them again in your head.

To live in wiser manner, remember the mistakes you’ve made

Because those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

To know where cancer came from
Look up that family tree

Because everything has a grandparent
And a great grandparent

And it’s beautiful to look at what’s past and gone
History and yesterdays
The wrinkles on a skin so old,
That tell so much stories of things we know
Things we do
and thing’s we’ll leave behind

Tangled up with tea cups in our hands
It’s cold outside
This is what addiction feels like

The comfort of home in a person
Something I keep on craving

For some of you, this might seem crazy
But two kinds of people understand me

Lovers,
And pill poppers

The anxious wait,
By the phone or the bottle

Turning away and spinning in circles in a room with no windows

This is what addiction feels like

And if you’ve recovered at all
And you’re trying to stay away,
The mere thought is temptation.

So when temptation is at your door
Or on the phone
Or a prescription bottle
You hesitate
Not knowing if you should open the door
or close it for good
Answer the phone with a shiver in your voice
Or say ‘just one more, I promise it’s the last time’

But for us addicts, it’s a vicious circle that grows more powerful with each relapse

And it’s never the last time

When people ask me,
how long I’ve been writing
I tell them the same story

I was 6 years old, and a friend got me a little notebook

My first thought in it, was in French, about how easy the language was.

I was so excited to see my thoughts on paper. Something concrete, visual, that made you feel something

For the past 15 years, I’ve made language my own.
Wrote about first crushes and how hard it was to be 9.
An later on 10, 12, 15, 18, 19 and 20

I fell in love with the smell and sound of Bic on paper
The idea that my thoughts were now real and immortal.

I fell in love with language and how one word can mean different things.
I fell in love with the only thing that came easy to me, words

I was 6 years old and said. Language is the most beautiful thing ever.
I may be 90 years old and say
Language is the most beautiful life I’ve ever lived

I may be the person who cries the most.
In sadness and in happiness
In funerals and weddings.

I may be sensitive but sometimes, cold as stone

I will feel deeply or be completely indifferent
Rarely in the middle
Little grey area
A complete opposition of the person I am

I think I wrote this 30 times not knowing how to explain or shape the sentences but here goes nothing

Pop, one pill in the morning.
This one will make you happy

Pop, one pill at lunch.
This one will make you numb.

Pop, one pill at night.
This one will make you sleep.

Pop, another, whenever.
This one, will calm your heart,
Make you get out of bed in the morning,
Make your work harder,
Make you concentrate,
Make you
Make you
Make you

Alice feels jealous, her pills make her larger or small
But not happy.
But Alice doesn't know,
After every pill,
Headache,
Nausea,
Dizziness,
Fatigue,

Alice feels, but I don't

Three hundred sixty-five days and some other dozen
After pills
Slowly but surely
I started feeling again
Sadness had a taste
And so did food
Laughter had a meaning
and so did tears.

And If you ask me what I remember of that time,
I'll tell you, not much.
It is no way to live, when you live numb
When you should feel things, but you don't.

When the struggle is no longer sadness, but the lack of it
When it is not finding happiness, but not feeling it..

Another three hundred sixty five days and some dozen
I feel things on my own
Get out of bed on my own

After pills,
I pray nothing gets in my way of feeling things on my own.

As Midas discovered what he thought was a blessing turned into a curse
As if all he’s turned to gold was now stone.

His lover’s touch cold
His lover’s eyes empty it became scary
His lover’s body like a statue that haunts him in the middle of the night

Midas learned the hard way that greed is a very ugly thing
Lost everything he could ever have
The possibility of something
Midas would starve

Midas would be no different really than Medusa
Midas Medusa
Medusa Midas

Patience
2. Gratitude
3. Anger Management
4. Love
5. Faith
6. Anxiety Relief
7. Asking for help
8. Hard work
9. Perseverance
10. Forgiveness
11. Turning a blind eye
12. Trust
13. Sleeping with one eye open
14. Living guilt free
15. Fighting off the voices in my head
16. Self-worth
17. Grace
18. Respect
19. Honesty
20. My versions of Right
21. And Wrong

It takes a long time, for many
to find it okay to ask for help
For as long as we’re alive
It’s not too late to say
Mama I’m struggling
It’s not too late to say
I stay up way too late
And think way too much

It’s not too late
to stay my heart burns and my chest feels like it’s gonna explode
that I can’t breathe in a crowded room
that my hands shake when I talk in public

It’s not too late to say,
I think life is not for me
Because I think life is for everybody
You just have to be reminded
You just have to be reminded that you have a hand to hold when it shakes
And someone to sit with you
Remind you that you can breathe
And breathe with you
A familiar face in the crowd
To make you feel safe

Red lipstick with vanilla smell
Red lipstick with vanilla taste
It’s not the only reason you crave my lips
But the feeling of safety we give each other
It’s not just vanilla but time stops and it’s only you
Everything is you,
Now vanilla lipstick reminds me of you
I keep you on my lips not to miss you
You love vanilla on me
You make me love vanilla

It’s what we talk about
whisper about.
It’s what we sing about
and cuss about
It’s what we laugh about,
cry about,
lie about.
It’s what makes us feel the most joy
the most pain.

Yet the word itself scares us to the bone
Because saying something out loud,
Makes it a little more real

I blurt out something about God,
Maybe believing maybe not
And something about my obsessiveness
how compuslive I can get
and something about passion or lack of

He glances at me and says
You’re a very bad liar aren’t you?

It doesn’t have to rhyme to say something
or make you feel something

If we have the words for it,
then why not just say it?

It’s not just your story,
It’s also every story around you,
love stories or breakups
friendships and heartaches
Adventures and late night phone calls
You could write about anything.
Not your feelings but maybe
Your best friend’s

But we choose writer’s block
Because in our mind,
The idea sounded much better
than the way it looks on paper

And we could write for days,
pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages...
and it would feel like the words are insignificant,
like we worked so hard
to say nothing at all,

But the story is there,
Maybe it needs a twist,
A little color,
A coffee break,
A night out on the town.

Maybe it needs a good night of sleep
Maybe it’s about time to stop stressing
Maybe it needs to be written,
left behind,
Maybe it needs to be forgotten about,
Found,
Out of the blue
To be reread, refined,
rethought with a new perspective


We never run out of ideas,
We just question our ability
To make somebody feel something.

You can know a lot about how a person is living
or has lived by observing their body

It’s not as crazy as you may think,
It shows, if it is well fed or not
If it holds disease
Any signs from smell to a million other things

You can tell a lot about a body,
just by looking at it
Skin problems,
Bone or muscle problems,

You can tell,
if they carry skin problems
bones or muscle

You can tell,
crimes of passion,
from other crimes.

You can tell age,
You can tell how tired they are
if they are
You can tell what they’re feeling
if they’re nervous or happy

You can tell,
if they’re been loved and cherished
and if they have have been
abused and betrayed

Captivity is a state in which I guess we all live in
Have lived in
Or will live in.

Captivity may be holding the key to open the door but never quite taking that step.

Captivity may be having the door open,
one foot out,
Without the guts to put the other one out
And closing the door behind you.

Captivity is not like being claustrophobic in an elevator
It’s sometimes the best feeling in the world.
The best, it’s a feeling of peace,
Love,
And maybe overlooking some of the most important things
And your vision is a little blurred

Until you leave, close the door behind you
Give it time
Look back on it

You’ll see things,
The things you’ve overlooked,
You’ll learn a little,
Look a little older
Be a little wiser.

But something you must understand,
Is to never, EVER
Let anyone hold you captive.
You must always feel free to open the door
and leave

There are things we run from
Nightmares
Danger and death

Things we run to,
People
Dreams and ambition

We’ll get tired along the way,
stop for a minute,
enjoy the view.

We all run for different reasons,
At different speeds.
We make the best of what we have
The best of our abilities

We keep running,
Because we look forward to something
No matter how tiring it gets
We’ll keep running
towards the finish line