I don't know why I bother
thinking of someone
who doesn't even think of me.

I remind myself of this at night,
when I think about how it would feel
for him to text me something dumb,
like a good night text, or some
stupid existential question when he's high.
I remind myself of this when
my phone stays silent throughout the night.

I remind myself of this in the day,
when someone says something stupid in class
and he laughs so hard that he goes red-faced,
and smiles so hard that it touches his eyes.

I remind myself of this when
he mentions his girl in casual conversation,
and how he looks happy when he says it.
I remind myself to look unphased.
I remind myself to carry on.

I remind myself that there will
be no good night texts, or existential ramblings.
I remind myself that I shouldn't
look at him when the whole class laughs.
I remind myself that he's happy with her.
I remind myself that I was never seen.

you were full of cliches,
like the light in your eyes
and the warmth of your grip.
and of all things,
i couldn't get over the scrape of stubble
when you kissed my cheek
and the feel of your fingers in my hair
when you held me closer to you.

it's an infatuation, and a blind one at that
but my fears don't lie in a tender feeling.
it's a fear that my words to you were lost
in the light of your eyes
and the grin on your lips
and the scrape of stubble
on my cheek,
on my temple,
on my forehead.

how can a tender touch
melt a cynic when they know
that the feeling will never be reciprocated?

it's amazing
how a minute
can make the difference
between tomorrow
and today
and how one word
can make the difference
between the beginning
and the end

its always this time of night
when the sky is dark
and you can barely see the stars
because its so cloudy
that i stay awake
and pretend that the blue light
of my computer
is sunshine.
i stay awake and wish
that i could turn into gold.

side effects of this drug may also include:
     feelings of depression
     feelings of anxiety
     desensitization
     unconsciousness
     insentience
     the sudden want of the inevitable to become uncertain

I can no longer discern
whether or not
this is the rise or fall.
I can no longer tell
if he is honey, or if he's vinegar.
I can no longer think.
I can no longer feel.
This is the reason I am alone.