I don't know why I bother
thinking of someone
who doesn't even think of me.

I remind myself of this at night,
when I think about how it would feel
for him to text me something dumb,
like a good night text, or some
stupid existential question when he's high.
I remind myself of this when
my phone stays silent throughout the night.

I remind myself of this in the day,
when someone says something stupid in class
and he laughs so hard that he goes red-faced,
and smiles so hard that it touches his eyes.

I remind myself of this when
he mentions his girl in casual conversation,
and how he looks happy when he says it.
I remind myself to look unphased.
I remind myself to carry on.

I remind myself that there will
be no good night texts, or existential ramblings.
I remind myself that I shouldn't
look at him when the whole class laughs.
I remind myself that he's happy with her.
I remind myself that I was never seen.