Snow falling.
Ash rising.
Pump blood.
Breathe smoke.
Live art.
Screech obscenities.
Make love.
Show scars.
Create beauty.
Destroy yourself.

It's no longer snowing, but dandelions float dead through the air,
landing on the wet soil soul I keep
while my skin is crunching deep.

I have no one to sing about.
Feel I have no one to sing about.
I want someone to sing about after you.
You don't deserve this.

Memories of faces flushed and close play on the wall.
I'm thinking of all I could say,
But the projector clicks and strains from jamming in my head-
It's driving me insane.

And though I tried to stop I lost my reason
With you and the changing season.

I can't remember your smell, still,
I bloodied my fingernails to dig you from my skin.

I have no one to sing about.
Feel I have no one to sing about.
I want someone to sing about after you.
You don't deserve this.

Lying with you in black and white,
I wonder the significance of a mouth,
hands, fingertips.
grazing skin. mere body mechanics,
or a vessel for a spiraling kinetic?
how we become weak to emotion, seemingly pathetic,
clinging to eachother
leeching off one another's need.
I stare into your eyes
unabashed. I smile.
I wonder how it is that I stare on
and be ever taken by the arrangement of your eyelashes,
the curve of your lips. My lips are wilted leaves,
cracking against the flow of your rejuvenation.
my eyes feel heavy and dry but I stare on,
alive. the shadows take away hesitation
as it shades your words
black and white, sepia, blue.
your hands of ginger, hot and sweet,
melt the frost clinging to my back
created by the rush
turning my gut
as I ache toward dark whiperings.
I want to utter the same, but I know
I can never replicate your dulcet timbre.
I sound so plain. Instead I trickle my lips across your face.
My soul cries out,
Ours are made for love antique
In an instant world.  
It pains me to budge
from this bind.

I wonder how fingertips may convey
what in the light we scarcely can define.

Here is some water for the dead tree,
Beauty I found in its imperfections.
A dark-haired girl appears and looks at me,
Seen in the tarnished water's reflection.

"How foolish," she scoffs, and narrows brown eyes.
"You're wasting time on this tree, it's hopeless."
I look up to the sorry, laughing sky,
Turning to her moonlit face. "I confess..."

"It's gone now, and though I shouldn't linger,
The living memory I can't betray."
She plucked a branch with delicate fingers
Carelessly dropped it, and then walked away.

Your tree creaks in empty winds. This is me,
Without you, watering a long-dead tree.

Your words are warm
but there's a sense
of coldness, clearness
between us.

We're frozen shut;
both world-weary
holding each other's
icicle hands

unable to thaw
but freeze together
a blanket of frost
between us.

NOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBODY
NOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBO­DY
GLASS SPIDER PINK SPIDER GLASS PINK GLASS
Glass Spider Pink Spider
The water's all gone. Hurt
Who hurt who hurt who hurt who hurt


If this is [--] also then what's to
stop me from the other.
I am so out of control.
Why am I living?
Everybody's got somebody.
Shining Star, everybody's
covered in scabs!
Why is this making me break.
****
What makes me want to [--]
My lack of control
My anger- lack of control of anger
Depression
Lack of movement
Failure to impress or be loved
or make an impression or feel
something other than longing


LONGING unfulfillment
I don't feel fulfilled
I am a half-eaten fruit
I will now rot.
And attract the flies
Become the soil of the earth

Is that a sign?

Believe in nothing
NOBODY

See value
worth
WORTH IN ME
Time is crawling

My arm is stung by nail bees
It feels good
I feel unfulfilled

They do this to me
Who wants a crazy bit(scribbles)ch
H(scribbles)

Worth is irrelevant
Worthless
The work is not worth the
work is not worth worth
Worthless
Loveless
Rotting


You don't miss me you dumb *******
I know where the tools are
I saw them today
My arm is twitching
I want to stab this pen in an eye
TOO DIZZY
Maybe if I
stop breathing just for tonight
I'll stop thinking
perhaps
I'm too much of a
coward
too smart though not smart
enough for anyone to want me
I want to pass out
how do I make myself
pass out without making noise

Everything in the room
is an implement


This past I dont
want to revisit
although maybe I
was better then
less bitter less
upsettable less
worthless

I am the doll with the growing hair
Whose face returns your bloodshot stare-
Your red eyes accented blue
Knowing he won't think of you.

When back was turned, in sadist lust
I wrote the name, etched in the dust
Upon the shelf where I reside
To catch your gaze as you walked by.

You ponder on this grotesque mask
And wonder how this came to pass-
How fate won't follow any plan
And memories rot, still in your hand.

And though I torture where you dwell
I hearken now to what you tell
On how you'll live against these odds:
"I'll sop up my mistakes with gauze."

behind the frosted glass I'm waiting watching shadows move
incapable of reaching them until I can break through
I'll hurt myself in doing it and surely I'll hurt you

you hollowed me clean out all just so you could fit inside
so close we can't distinguish either border if we tried
got sick of feeling guilty so I faked it and I lied

but how can you be happy when you know I'm truly not
I've gone as far to tell you but apparently you forgot
naive? or blind denial that what's underneath is rot

just try for once and you could find the rot becomes the feed
a garden can't be raised if you refuse to plant the seeds
I shouldn't feel responsible for your own self-defeat

can't reacquaint myself with myself
without getting a little dizzy
short of breath just thinking about it
unapologetic, unashamedly

single steady heartbeat stirs the bath
shaking the surface and trembling
submerged and ******* up hot water
looks so suffocatingly appealing

in my head so much it's flooded
thought I'd sink under and float in you
but I'm trying to remind myself:
don't drown yourself in this one too

we sink when we lie
we flatten into
the bed, ourselves
how grotesquely,
i think, inhuman
(we too much resemble
our nothing
but guts and meat
splayed out
on a slab)
flattening, sinking
bitter
wine, sour in my
mouth, red stinging on my
arm, stinging the back of my
throat choking on
it
was supposed to make me feel
better
weeping
wine
i take my part as villain
and think
maybe we're not all
so evil
after all
ive been here before
on the other side

That isolation that you revel in  
before long becomes a burden.
Did you forget how to act
forget how to talk
forget the feel of skin?

Did you forget
you don't know how
to connect?

How long have you been living in that empty room?
Not sure why I feel like I do, but I'm certain
it has nothing to do with you;
I'm just far from you,
far from view.

I know I'm not
don't think I'm
any better or worse than you

Screen simulation
trying not to seem such a stranger
Some lonesome human
inhuman if I'm not
trying to recover the feelings I forgot

I don't want to but I think about it all the time
What he did, how he did
the ghosts of songs left behind.
I think should stop listening,
I know I really should stop listening,
but I can't drown it out.

It'll come back around
I'll come back around

Screen simulation
trying not to seem such a stranger
Some lonesome human
inhuman if I'm not
trying to recover my feelings

Screen simulation
trying not to seem such a stranger
Some lonesome human
inhuman if I'm not
trying to recover the feelings I forgot
I forgot

stay the cynic
avoid romantic
toward anything with a pulse

There's something growing
In the dark in the drain
Beautiful terrible thing
Bitter and dark like I've been
Betrayed by nothing
Betrayed by unfeeling

I feel it sneaking up on me
Hanging in the air
A cold winter breath
A soul escaping
Do you want to see
What shape it's taking

There's something growing
Like the moss on your brain
I with my heavy eye
Remind myself to breathe
Don't let me me read your thoughts
I relate too dangerously

It's hard to live with people
It's hard to live alone
It's hard to bear existing
With all these things I own
There's something growing
Perhaps already grown

vertigo
lack of sleep
but awake
and aware

sickeningly
more than ever
eyes locked open
brain electric

only my stomach rebels
churning in nervous circles

wondered why I was awake

I thought I heard it in your voice--
caring--
plagued by distance

picking off bits of my skin
to rid myself of you
changing my shell
and making it new
scratching it raw
and bleeding it through
like a leech to ill blood
a snake shedding
a used, filthy sheath

In the wavering orange
I look up at nothing and breathe out
Air catching light, a cloud of dust
The sound of something crumbling in the distance
                                                 or just heavy footsteps
Who's there? Are you breaking it down?

If you are thinking

it's never going to work
there's always something off
not yet but going to happen
no matter how hard you (act like you) try
and how hard you believe in "love"

congratulations
on your moment of clarity.

You never needed an other half.
We are all born whole.
Instead of embracing a foreign body
learn to bear your own weight first.

Earthquake?
Another earthquake?
No,
just your body
just your heartbeat
rocking you off balance
sasae kirenu karada ga yurasarete
for what seems to be
no good reason.
False earthquakes
from my chest
when i'm supposed to be
sitting still
yuka ni suwatte
antei shiteiru
hazu na no ni
mune no naka no jishin ga
karada wo, kokoro wo,
fuan ni saseru