every time i meet someone new
the first question i ask is always

"what's your favorite color?"

because what seems like such a simple question
with such a insignificant answer
means so much to me.

i believe every person has a color
that one color that just resonates with their soul
who they are as a person

and i always love when i can get a specific answer
more than just "blue"
because blue is everything from soft and unimposing,
powder fresh and feminine
to immense and expansive
ocean deep and holding the universe suspended in its darkness

my favorite color is red
like blood splatter gone tacky
a deep shade of ruby
the color of wine drunk
and a midnight bowl of splat hair dye fresh out of the box
its the color of bad choices
and intense love

his color is orange.
like a fox's warm coat
or the sky before the sun sinks away.
he is the color of finality
comfort and heat
he's the last chapter of a story
a satisfying conclusion
to me, he is orange, and orange is
all of the burn from red
with none of the hurt

a white picket fence
and a humble abode
domestic bliss, you could say
but it's far from my home
i lost the poet in me
let go of her dreams
and settled my heart
for what was easy

married, a baby
i love them. undoubtedly
but i lost my fire, my passion
gave up on deep, unfathomable love
and settled for comfort
i forgot dreams of falling for a fellow poet, someone gentle, with an artist's hands
i lost sight of beauty, depth

i just want to be happy
and this is the closest im convinced ill ever get

looking across
the cold rush of water,
I toss my shoes.
they land, one scattering from the other
on the opposite side of the river.
the cold stones are distantly spaced
and slick from algae,
and god-knows-what green stuff.
my heart skitters past my lungs,
hiding like the little girl she is-
tucked away, afraid.
what if I fall in?
what if I slip?
i could just stay here,
on this end.

I don't know who I am anymore.
Maybe I never knew,
Or maybe my self
Is not something meant to be known.
I know what I want,
But not how to get it.
I want to be a good mother,
A kind person,
A strong leader.
I want to be loved,
Honestly, this time.
But I'm not sure if I know love at all.

I'm committing
To a life
I don't know

All I have
Left of me
Is hope.

I think you're beautiful
In a way I've never experienced beauty before

Sometimes,, late late at night
I wonder, to myself
If *** could ever be an act of love
If anyone could ever look at my body
Hold it, and want more than physical pleasure
If they could ever look into my eyes
With passion and warmth
I wonder if I'll ever be loved deeply
For more than what's on the surface
If it could be meaningful and poetic again
I wonder if the word love
Will ever regain it's importance in my vocabulary
If it will ever again be something to earn
And not desperately given
Please, accept my heart
Take it and do not throw it away
Will my heart ever be something
Worth keeping, again?

I know you love someone else now
and I hope she makes you happy
Gives you all the things I never could
And I know you're never coming back
But I still miss you
Every day
Every sleepless night is full of thoughts
About how I could have been better
Should have been better
Every little thing I did wrong
Every little regret
My head is haunted by your love
By the things I've lost
By the ghost of your arms around me
The smell of your hair
I hate myself
For everything.

She is my moon and sun
She pulls my tides
And brings heat to my skin
She fills my darkness
And brightens my skies
And even when there are clouds
I know she is there
Waiting for the storm to fade
For the earth to turn
So I can see
Yet another side of her

Here I come
Crawling back
To the ***** pit
Where I leave it all
The place I go to
To empty out
To feel nothing
For a while
The place I use
Like a ***** rag
To wipe up my mess
And keep it all together

Tonight I walked around the house
The one that used to be ours
I looked around for things that are missing
Things you thought were important enough to take
You took your toothbrush
But left your house key
You took your laundry
But not your ring
You took my pride
But you didn't take me

late nights
when I know he's leaving me
and I sit in the cold
broken hearted

fog clouds
and I hear them, the echoes
of her in their voices
I can't stand it

it seeps
deep into my pores, filling my veins
with doubt, anger, confusion
bringing it all back

so sick of being alive
but i cant figure out
how to ******* die

i just want someone to talk to
someone to hear more than my words
someone who knows how to listen to my soul
my whole life i've been alone
and it's ******* exhausting
having no hand to hold
no shoulder to cry on
no comfort or peace
my whole life is a fight
one battle after another
im so tired
please, just let me go

the days blur past
i talk to people
i go to work
i function
all the while feeling nothing
retaining nothing
i've learned that i cant die
for some reason or another
this world will not allow
my departure

it is cruel
to be forced to remain in a world
where there is no place for you

some days i am real
a living breathing person
i speak and laugh and smile
but not today
today i am made of air
as tangible as love
but containing none of it

I let him hold my shaking hands
And kiss my busted lips
I let him touch my insecurities
And see my healing scars
I gave him access to my everything
And I thought he did the same
I saw lust and interpreted it as love
What a fool I am

Please don't remember me
Continue your lives
Be happy
I want you to know
It was never your fault
It was nobody's fault
But mine
And who was I kidding, really?
With my little facade of okayness
Like all things, my life
was temporary

I can't
I ******* can't
I can't care anymore
It ***** with my head

But the problem is
I can't stop
If this is what living is
I wish I was ******* dead

long walks under the sun, my cheeks bright pink from the heat, coffee shops and brunch dates, picnics and tall trees, hotel rooms and hot tubs, old books and a new library card, listening and learning and loving more than i have in years, becoming and blooming brighter than before

there is not much to say
in the dry heat of today
but sometimes when it rains
i wish you would've stayed

nothing but dead air
for so long
the radio static
hums loud and strong

since Dec. 6 2019
i've been sick

warm drops of water drip past my eyes
like the hot sparks of insanity in my mind
so i'll keep my visions to myself
and with them i'll go to hide

walking down main street
but for once it's just my feet
quietly beating the ground
my soft breath's the only sound
the lights are on in every home
but still i know that i'm alone

it was never love
it was a little kid
obsessed with the image
of sunshine and ivy vines
of summer nights and hugs so tight
that he'd lose his breath forever
and become a god himself
it was the dream
of an abused child
a dream of a love that was endless
and unerring and true

white and cold
like memories old

i keep telling myself that
like a mantra
it'll pass
it wont last
they'll move on
everything will be okay

but what if its not
what if it doesnt
what if it just keeps going and going
forever until we die
and if it does
do i even want to be alive?

to all of my best pals
the ones who made life bearable
those who were there for me at my worst
and loved me immeasurably at my best
to the ones i've lost
and the ones i'll make along the way
to all of the best friends
because you guys truly are the best
i love you all

i am at a place
of absolute peace
and honesty
a place of trust
and hope

i've lost
everything
lost my love
for the arts
for my friends
i've lost my love
the only one i've ever known
i've lost before
and i will lose again
i'm sure
i'll lose him
to old love
and i'll lose her
to something new

but it's okay
i'll get back up
start again
find new love
and new friends

for once
i agree
i think we are better
as nothing at all
im happier now
and i'll let you be the same
no harm done
in doing nothing at all

we are all equals
in times eyes

bursting
blooming
i am
growing
making friends
good friends
friends i love
friends i can trust
i am just a bud of a person
just now learning who i am
but i like what i see
and im glad to become
something beautiful

you seem happy whenever im around
and i hope to the gods that its true
because you deserve happiness
whether you believe it or not
i care about you
again, whether you believe that or not

hop skip jump
to the worst conclusions
she doesn't like you
he's going to leave you
they all despise you
you're the worst
anxiety and paranoia
tickle my brain 24/7
til' i hate myself
and you too

who am i
but the memory of a friend,
a ghost of the girl i could be
when i wrote more than words
a real poet, i was
when i was more of me

i should feel bad
for losing a friend
to the demons that chase me too
but in his eyes
i was never enough
and that will always be true

i am so sick
of feeling my own soggy brain
drag itself in circles
around the same old ****
i am so sick
of caring about people
who want nothing to do with me
i am so sick
of trying
and trying
and trying
keeping myself alive
for a fantasy
a joke of a life
that i'll never acheive
i am so incredibly sick
of pretending to be okay
so i can be there for the people around me