i need time
now i'm the one
asking for time

but i  need time to myself
for myself

i need time to be alone
so that next time
this won't hurt so much

next time i'll be ready

it was my fault
in the end
for getting used to having friends
having people
having support
and i miss it now

but next time i'll be ready
next time being alone
won't be so lonely

i say that so often
for someone that has no idea
just how much she has hurt someone
i couldn't tell you
if i changed him forever
if he has permanent scars
or if i simply swept through his life
like a arid summer breeze
insignificant and unnoticed

i doubt it
i'm not the kind of person easily forgotten
but people always remember the bad things
so that i wonder if there were ever good things
to be remembered at all

i loved him
completely
in every way
but all that time
all that love
i never saw his hurt

i know he's moved on
and i know there are things
that people aren't telling me

but still
i wish i could tell him
that what i feel
more than hurt
more than pain and sadness and anger
is guilt

guilt over the fact that at some point
i lost you
to the storm
the same storm that ate me alive
every day for years
the storm i thought i had finally escaped

i lost him to the storm
i couldn't pull him out

i never saw him cry
he never came to me
not when he was sad
not when he was hurt
he never told me

i guess, in a lot of ways
i should have seen it
i think i did
but i refused to see it
accept that my worst fear was back
for him this time

he never let me see it
i don't know if its because he didn't trust me
or maybe he didn't even know
what to say
how to say it

i should have known
i went through it too
i'm still fighting it

i hate that i can't understand this
i can't wrap my head around my own pain
or his

i just wish he knew
that i know the fight
i know the storm
and my biggest regret
is not saving him from it
if could have

thats what im sorry for. not for being a *****, but for not being there at all.

i know that you "like" me
and maybe one day i can really like you too
but right now
even if i did
i wouldn't know
because i can't tell my emotions apart anymore
and you, as a person, deserve more than
my broken aching self
i'm sorry

blocked
not because i hate him
but because his words make me angry
and they make me wish i could
i wish i could hate him
but instead
i hate you
i hate the way you talk
i hate the way you refuse
to do anything progressive
i hate you
so much
that i wish you were dead
sometimes
i wish you never said the things you said
i wish you never exposed yourself
i hate that you made yourself vulnerable
again
i hate that you never learn your lesson
i hate the fact
that you can't ever seem to keep something to yourself
and i hate that you can't just be happy
i hate that you have to ruin everything
i hate that you can't just be normal
that you always have to do things the hard way
i hate that you can't just chill
really, just relax
but you cant
and i hate you for it

i wish you would just
go away
even though im the one following you
i wish you would leave my mind
i wish you could disappear
because being within 50 feet of you
for even a second
hurts like hell
but its all i want