i've been watching you.
i know you know im there.
i've heard about your little jokes.
i see him sitting where i used to sit
walking with you
where i used to belong
talking to you
like he knows you at all.

maybe he does
maybe i never knew you
not the real you

because the you i thought i knew
the you i loved

would not have done this to me.

six days
you said six days was not enough time to fall in love.

but apparently it's enough to fall out of it.

okay?
okay.

im done.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant keep crying for you and hoping for you and wanting you.

i want to so badly,
dont get me wrong
i love you

but i give up.

his hair hung around his face like a halo
with the sun shining
warm and bright in a field
lovely in its loneliness
a stream tinkling nearby
and only chattering birds
and bumbling bees
to witness our bliss
high on the sun
and sugary sweet kisses
we were kind, lovely and true
in the shade
of a weeping willow
we were silent
understanding
as the sun drifted lazily away
and left us a cocktail
of strawberries and nectarines
pink and orange
you and i
dancing in the grass
stirring up lightning-bugs
like little stars themselves on earth
dancing in the heavens with an angel
smiling and tipsy
buzzing and warm
telling stories and tales
while the little earth-stars
fly away home
writing our own myths
unafraid and unashamed
skin to skin
heart to heart
we could be anything
but tonight we could only be this
and, by god, it is bliss.

you said we were never good for each other
so what would have happened
if i didn't leave
if i wasn't ****** up
if i could be strong enough
for both of us

was it me?

or was this bound to happen
one way or another
someday

were we doomed from the start
or did i destroy it all

because i know i did something
i had a hand in this disaster
even you aren't capable
of ruining something
that badly
on your own

i have cried
every night about this
and i can't talk to you
because it feels like i'm nagging
so i will write to you
like this
and it can be your choice to read it
and you decision to come to me
if you have anything to say

so i have questions
a lot of them
but most important are

i understand not being able to stand in the middle
but why do we have to stand on opposite ends?
why cant we just be?
what happened to us
when i was gone?
i read your poems
so i got over that at least
but i'm stupid or something
and there is so much i don't understand
because you make it sound
like you are doing this big thing
for my sake
but it hurts me so bad
so really you're hurting us both
over something i don't understand.
i miss you
i want you back
i feel so pathetic
and alone.

i used to go to you
in person or in my mind
any time i was
hurt
scared
lonely
sad
but now that place
that i dedicated to you
that i familiarized with joy
is dark and black and murky
and i unknowingly go there
again and again
and hurt myself more
because i miss you
and you aren't there

and now we are here.

and i don't really even know where here is.

maybe it isn't a love story anymore,
but it is definitely something,
and i will never forget it.

i love you.
i loved you.
maybe i'll move on,
but this will always be
part of my story.

it feels like time has stopped
and all i can do
is run from the things that scare me
because i refuse to fight

it took all of 5 minutes
for me to know something was wrong
and so i ran
i left as fast as i could
and i hid from you
from him
from all of it