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worm Feb 2020
tired so tired why can’t i just be a woman why can’t i just be comfortable with she why can’t i just be ok with “girl” why can’t i look at pictures with long hair and dresses and recognize a person why do i have to see my body  bare and uncovered and feel sick why can’t i say the words even to myself.

my identity is based around likeability and avoidance of change i can’t even say i am it’s all “i think” “i might” “maybe i’m” when i know ******* well that i am or at least what i sure am not
and the thought of requesting people to call me something different or even make a change known makes me want to hurl and i can never find the words or the courage so i must continue hearing even my closest friends go on using She and Girl and even the few who know even the only one who knows in person who has expressed full support and willingness to change who has loved me before and will not stop i am afraid to ask to use different words

am i so destined to suffer? will i face this fear and challenge for ever? will i ever be able to look at my chest and torso and not be filled with disgust and will i ever be able to loudly and proudly assert who i am? never have i been ashamed but will i ever allow myself to be Proud?
i was struggling with my gender a bit last night and wrote this.

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