I.
try on the boy who thinks his name is girl. is sister. is daughter. he thinks his name is the one that means everything he's never been and never wants to be

II.
try on the boy who watches things burn and tells no one his name. because they would take it. because it belongs to him and he needs time to fill himself up with it before he can trust himself to share it without losing it

III.
try on the boy who demands people use his name. because it belongs to him. he demands people recognize it. this boy is not afraid to tell people unapologetically what they will call him.

I.
try on the boy who writes, in his head, on his wall, on the bathroom counter, on himself, rarely in his books

II.
try on the boy who draws, the things he loves and the things he hates and the things he wishes he still cared about and the things he wishes he could hate

III.
try on the boy who carves, in wooden chairs, in tree flesh, in his own

... or, who took the MAN out?

Who took the MAN out of romance?
Who plucked the peacock of quill?
Was it a private performance?
Was it by sheer force of will?

Who took the MAN out of manners?
Did it take magical powers?
Who threw in the nails and spanners?
Perhaps they emulate ours.

Who took the FEM out of feminine?
Was it a trial? A test?
Is it SO cool to be masculine?
***inine's what we have left!

Do we all need to lose gender?
Do all the answers lie there?
Should we all be as the blenders?
Is that decree really fair?

I'm for the lady. The gentleman.
SORRY. It's been building a while.
I just came to air out the sentiment
I love the ol' fashion styles!

Who took the MAN from romantic?
I'm guessing. It's only a hunch.
It may be the one who's got plastic
And insists upon

BUYING HER LUNCH!


SoulSurvivor
(C) 12/29/2015
All rights protected

XXII.
because you spent years discovering different agonies and you've decided the worst is the constant the unchanging the one that has no end and no result because you can't escape

XXIII.
because deep down you know this is self care this sleeping this hiding this crying this writing because even if it hurts it's a change

XXIV.
because you thought you were invalid for even at your worst you couldn't help but think about getting better so maybe that wasn't the worst but you know now you always just thought of change be it good or bad

XXV.
because you really honestly truly and surely don't believe you can make the right decision about getting better or worse without help

XXVI.
because you haven't gotten better yet and that would be a change but you also haven't gotten to rock bottom yet and that would be a change

XXVI.
because you have to make a decision now

XXXVI.
because you really don't want to hurt them you just still cant believe that anyone cares enough to be hurt when you hurt yourself

XXXVII.
because every new year you say you'll get better and you don't you still don't know if you should be independent of arbitrary dates that you trust so much even if they've never helped you

XXXIII.
because it hurts so much either way

XXXIV.
you'll just have to decide which you prefer

XXXV.
because you really gotta put more faith in rough drafts

XXXVI.
because you always want everything to be perfect but you know by now it won't be

XXXVII.
because these thoughts don't even really scare you anymore or maybe you're used to being afraid, but you know you'll stay, even if this place is unchanging

XXXVIII.
because that's only half the battle sometimes,
this times its not even that

XXXIX.
because you've never been this close to both life and death at the same time

XL.
because you're not afraid anymore to make rash decision you think you should fear what might happen because of that

XLI.
because, for now, the solution- the next step, is changing everything

XLII.
because until now changing has only meant covering up better

XLIII.
because maybe you can get better on your own, and maybe you can't

XLIV.
but the point is if you reach out you will never know if you could have done this independently, but if you cant do it on your own and you still try,

XLV.
because I know,
it's okay to reach out for help but,
is it okay to hold on?

I.
try on the boy who is brave enough to put his hands in the fire

II.
try on the boy who is scared enough to put the fire in him

III.
try on the boy that is tired enough to let the ashes cover him

I.
try on the boy who wears all black and a chain
hide in the darkness when you're afraid people might see you as something else
pull on the chain when you want to hurt yourself, say it doesn't count

II.
try on the boy who wears at least three layers at any given time
let no one see you, not you, not anyone
forget what your body is
feel safe

III.
try on the boy who wears bandages on his arms and legs and chest
feel everything hurt as it heals
take the bandages off your chest because you can feel it too much
you want nothing more than to ignore it
take the bandages off your arms and legs
you want to hurt, at least it will distract from the pain of your unharmed chest