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2 PM:
I'm brushing my teeth
been awake two hours
cause I had no reason to wake up earlier.
Thinking it would be nice
if someone texted me
wanting to hang out.
thinking it  would be great
if she texted me
for any reason at all.
but nobody will
cause nobody cares
and I sleep for 14 hours a night on the weekends
knowing i'll go nowhere when awake.

My phone vibrates
and I tell myself
"it ain't her, that's for sure"
but  it is
with a simple
"hey :)"
i respond
she answers me with
"I was thinking about you today"
And for a second I smiled wider than I had in months
But she had only tried a tea I'd recommended.
I tried to keep talking
but she was waiting for a lunch date
and instead of saying what I was thinking
(that i'd never been on a real date,
never eaten with anyone other than family
and family friends.
never sat anywhere waiting for anyone
because nobody ever shows up for me
and I'm not allowed to go anywhere anyway)
I said
"I hope you have a good time"

No response


10 PM:
I watch her get on facebook
and wait 15 minutes before messaging her
"hey, how're you"
she take eight minutes
to say she's too good to be true.
I say
"that's great :D what's goin on?"
her response is simple
"I don't know how to explain"

I leave her alone
and we don't talk
but I sit there and stare at the ceiling
crying without realizing
wishing I had been a part of her being that great
wishing I had been a part of anyone being that great
But I hadn't and I haven't ever.

But what am I to her
when she texts me  
(something only my ex has ever done)
and then someone changes her day
someone who isn't me
and then she won't talk to me

The answer is one I can't wrap my mind around
one I don't want to accept
and maybe that's why I'm crying:
I'm just a friend to her
and I want to be more
but I never will be.

I'm just a friend
and that's how she can go from thinking about me and texting me
to not talking to me
in eight hours
Afraid of the lake roofs beaming headlights
off immature consciences
burrowing wicked roots.
She is sweet and frost on the hood of cars I've never seen.

Libra eyes
returning the music from the 1990's—strung on trot lines
catching loves from last summers
in love letters.
With all the fine burdens
****** markers provide trying to find a lost person
can give—I miss that pause we get when we look at stars
The hardest thing I've ever done
is try to convince myself you're not the one
while we continue to go on as friends
knowing we'll never have what we once did, again.
© 2013 Jene'e Patitucci

I am going to make this into something else, the last 2 lines sicken me.
One day I watched my sister cry
cry big blue tears from
her big green eyes

and I wanted to take
care of her

the way i could never
      take care of myself

because this black smoke
fills my lungs until
I can't stand up

and i live my life
through the girls that
wear 4 inch band-aids
on their wrists.

I miss it

      and I can't escape
it.

I want to save you
I wanna shake you

I wanna grab your ****** arm
show you what you
did to yourself

              --what you did
                   to me.

*look at what you're doing to me
I'm coming down from my high
I spent all day getting
                         drunk off of
my own loneliness

            so I sit here

sobering up   ,
                               eyes blurred
                                             vision

people pass me
            
                     I pull up my
socks
               straighten my skirt

and avert my gaze

careful not to make eye contact

lest someone see

                       how ****** up
         gorgeous I am.
He told me once, he could tell
that I was Afraid.
   I didn't realize till now,
                the extent of my Pain.
            I pushed it away,
   "I'll be okay,
      I'm fine."
But its not what he sees,
                            I was never good at lying

     He wishes for me to let him in,
but first i must know it's Safe
              to give-in

          especially to one who's        
               Eyes Speak Truth
                          and
       cleansing words Spill like
           the 'Fountain of Youth'

Maybe it's just hard
      for me to Believe
          that between us,
                                                   'something,'
    is about to conceive,
          become affected by; a feeling:
               think of, dream up, devise, formulate,
          design, develop, create,


     when we are Together,
         the Air is so Clear
             and for him,
I want to
                Surrender my Fear

  I want to shake off my Shield,
          and Free my arms
      spread them like Wings
          Exposing my Heart.

  with his
they Beat,
      like the Rhythm of a Drum
           that has been waiting, patiently,
                   in the Shadows, to Sing to the Sun.

   my Mind comprehends,
        what my eyes See
                            then what is still Constricting me?
Fear,
     gives power and control,
             to something other
                   than your soul

i'm slowly taking back what is rightfully Mine
           if We can be resigned,
            we'll see with Time
    then there won't be anymore Lies
                     and Love
                            between us
                                    will be Free to Fly
 Jan 2013 FredErick le Roux
Mutt
The people who carry,
that brake on the inside,
whose burdens they bury,

these stone angels can only hold so much,
who are still sensitive to the touch,
who will carry others,
but can collapse if hugged too much,

i see it in those deep blue eyes,
that stare back and hold my gaze,
that you have been hurt by lies,
and drown in a sad history's haze,

i'm here to tell you, you're not alone,
cause we are both made of stone,
or so we think,

as we hid those tears,
for all those fears,

that no one is there to catch you,
or give you the time of day,
well **** what they say,
we'll let our colors stay true,

so let me help hold the weight,
so you can find the strength,
to stand up straight,

cause your not a gargoyle,
but a stone angel,
don't let that blood boil,
stay strong and beautiful,
inside and out.
If I ever forgot to apolgize to anyone that I have hurted.
My fault.
I owe you more.

If I never succeed at my dreams and aspiration.
I'm personally the blame.
Call it, my failure.

We can have the best of ideas and fail to live up to them.
All because we didn't try.
Call it, my fault.
Plus, my failure.

For anything to ever succeed.
It requires, a willing particpant.
Who have a clue to what success means?

So, while we might lose things we should have fought for.
We must address, why we never done more to hold on?
Especially when you realize it's your fault for your failure.

Lonliness, is a sad feeling.
When the one you love has moved on.
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