How do I exist?
questions of reality;
At night and alone.

Slowly
All
Definite
Necessities
Excluding
***,
Severed from the parts of me that I held dear.

Listless, drifting, lost;
My dreams appear to have become one with my nightmares.
Scarred beyond the cost
I was willing to pay, caught in your snares
I find myself
Listless
Drifting
and
L
                         O
                                                       S
                                                                                   T.

Temptation tastes like tangerines;
Sweet-**** and tingly,
yet the strongest flavor of all is regret.

On these back roads time seems to stand still,
The only thing on my mind being you.
Your soft smile and blueish eyes give me a chill,
and I think to myself if you only knew-
How I feel on the inside,
It might change your mind.
But to think you could possibly feel the same
Makes sure my feelings won’t subside.
So as we drive I come to terms with it, resigned
To live my life unsure of how you feel, lame
I know.

So I live for these night drives.

Swerving,
Left lane then-Right
on time to my own funeral...

Headlights fly by;
Flashes of light at this speed.
I'll tell myself not to cry,
and finally concede to this universe's greed.

Swerving,
Right lane then-Left
all my wishes behind. In general,

I'll say I've found the place
in which I can finally breathe.
One-hundred mile an hour pace,
and finally with gritted teeth;

Crash.

Save your breath oh lover,
for its far too cold out there
for someone of your stature
-vague and ghastly-
It’s rather reminiscent of your nature.

Eyes like clouds;
The kind that know no bounds
And unleash hell round after round
-Thunder and lightning, baby-
Till I find out I’ve been clowned.

Keep on hiding behind your lies,
And oh lover? Go **** some other guys.

Each and every single one of my friends is great at something and good at even more:

Writing papers, politics, dealing with little kids, art, making music, fixing cars, etc.

These are all interesting or cool, unique in a way that fits these people’s personalities.

But my list of things I’m good at starts with giving head...
And ends with writing half-decent poetry.

What a useless bunch of skills, don’t you agree?

A sack of flesh,
Piloted by a conscious,
That wishes it wasn't.

Swept under the rug;
Forgotten-as if i had
Never existed.

I wish I knew how rose petals felt after fresh rain.
I wish I knew how the clouds looked as they drifted over frosty mountains.
I wish I could remember the smell of the kitchen while my mother cooked dinner.

But here I am, and here I will stay;
The world unfamiliar to my eyes,
Because I doubt that they would see it’s beauty.

I truly wish,
That I could have known,
How it felt,
To not fall victim,
To this pain.

What am I doing?
Living and breathing for sure;
There isn’t much else.

I've got nothing left
My mind completely empty;
Thus I drift to sleep.

Wandering aimlessly-
things bend and break,
take a deep breath; at long last
lay thine soul to rest.

Eyes bathed in swaths of silvery moonlight-
Reflections of past days and future nights.

Functionally dysfunctional,
Beautifully broken,
Stuck upon clouds permeated only by the occasional ray of sun.

Two sides to every story,
Light and dark; sun and moon.

That's where I found you:

Balanced precariously on the tightrope that divides the sky and the Earth.

A horizon
to
call
your
own.

Unable to bend, unable to break, for if you did, the world itself would rush up to meet you.

Take a deep breath and take the next step, just please...

Don't miss.

I saw you perched there,
Like a cat in a window-
Cliché to say the least,
but beautiful nonetheless.

Moonlight glinting off your hair
bathing the room in silver.

Change the 'in' to an 'and' and remove the 'n' from 'window'-
A Cat and a Widow, humorous right?
"The old cat lady,"
Imagine that, another cliché.

Thine soul is fragile-
Inorganic hammered steel;
A fabrication

Church bells rung slowly;
A sound unfamiliar here-
In my sinful mind.

Relentless and endless,
Rocky cliffs faced with waves the size of
Mt Everest, the tallest of all the mountains;
Utterly insurmountable to the naked eye, unforgiving.

Relentless and breathless,
I faced those waves and those mountains,
Eyes fastened to the future in front of me-
Wishing once more for guidance-it never came.

Relentless and hopeless,
I strove for greatness, the ess of which could and can not be quantified-
Yet I found myself drowned in a pool of my own hubris-
For what does anyone want but greatness?

Thus my story ends, piercing blue eyes closed, no excess of sadness in this city,
I guess what I ought to say is that hope is priceless, and for those of you who disbelieve, I pity.

As far as the ear could see,
there were whispers-
let once upon flowers,
whose petals wilted and died thereafter.

i.
Secrets don't make friends
this I know for sure

past lives and past times,
feed me the broth of your lies.
Lightly it grazes my lips;
the skin stretched over my bones trembles,
malnourished.

ii.
Words will never hurt me
what a lie that was

"What's the tea"
"Ooooohhh, I love drama!"
spill your guts heathen,
expel all that which you would rather hide.

iii.
Make sure you don't miss twice.
If you do, that might just give me a shot to survive

Whispers carried on the air like silence in a vacant room,
vacant like a widows heart-
filled with thoughts of yesterday and before.


Let me be, lest you whisper me into eternity.

Time ticks slowly by-
the nights end draws near,
and blessed be the ones
I never saw so clear.

For changes are a comin'
and this I know is true,
for me and you and everyone
on our sacred blue.

Lest we fail in growth
and life moves on the same.
we have not much in this world,
besides ourselves to blame.

Whistling a tune
Whilst the ocean waves good bye;
Forever stuck in my own mind.

My thoughts are too loud,
deafening even,
Like an eruption in my skull.

Lonely:
An ocean waving both good bye and hello.
Pointlessly waiting for a response.

what is there to do,
besides- sleep -nobody listens anyway,
So like the ocean, I retire as the moon rises:

slowly,
I,
creep,
back,
into darkness.

Eyes glazed
Blood boiled
Fears cauterized
Hope annihilated-

Who gives a **** about my nightmares

When by a stroke of luck-
The clock struck
10-toes down on the ground-
Ceaselessly running from death

Voided entirely by thoughts-
Black and burnt

Who really gives a **** about my nightmares

Not me, not you, nor him, nor her;
Neither anyone else on this bruised marble we call home

**** nightmares and **** you

I'd rather not be

It the way your lips crinkle at the sides
when you smile,
or maybe the way your hair curls over your eyes
But something about you caught my eye from miles

away

I'm not really sure why,
Nor how,
Nor what,
Draws me in...

But girl whatever it is,
I thought I'd say you're beautiful.
But all that happened is this,
I just looked at you with a giggle

from

The deepest part of my soul,
Girl you're wonderful.

Its all about

You

Unconditional, Unintentional,
Yet forgettable in every aspect.
The only memories had slowly fade to Black,
Dwindling to nothing as dusk settles in-

Simple as that, forgotten

-Though from it's frigid grave the sun rises,
And your world is illuminated once more.
New memories to be made wait on the horizon,
But in the end you'll always be:

forgotten

Hidden beneath a silky veil,
Those eyes tremble with the truth.
Confused, lost, misunderstood,
These words you hold dear.

Perhaps it would be best if you stopped holding on,
Just let go-
Or instead perhaps you should grip tighter,
Holding on to a moment that will soon slip away;
Lost in a moment to the tumultuous sea that is life.

Confusion boils like water,
Though it does not evaporate.
It only hardens into mistrust and desperation,
But there is nothing easy that can be done,

Because the easy way out will leave only a void in which nothing but empty promises and white lies reside.

Oceans;
Deep blue, waving infinitely at the heavens.

The sky;
A simple reflection of what lies beneath, hidden from view by clouds.

The masks of those around you break slowly with time.

Filters falling apart like dirt crumbles, nothing remains but the truth.

Stuck in between true happiness and awful despair.

That, is where we lie;
In a world filled with insecurity and anxiety.

Because who knows what comes next:

Maybe, just maybe we are like the sky, a reflection misinterpreted by those around us.

Or maybe we are like the ocean, foreboding and filled with mystery, unsure even ourselves of what fills the depths of our souls.

The way the moon drips,
Losing itself beyond the horizon.
Whilst the sun begins it's ascent,
That's the feeling I've got inside.

I'm sorry I really can't hide,
Though you know for a fact I've tried.

It doesn't make sense to me,
How two people can crash together,
And immediately fly apart,
Both broken in two.

I swear it's not you,
I don't know what to do.

The world is falling apart around me,
Oceans crashing into shores,
Leaving wreckage in it's wake,
What is left is damaged;

Broken.

Mangled upon the beaches of life,
Stranded,
forever reaching towards the horizon.

Golden brown, crisp from the hot sun;
wheat waves in the breeze, dry and unrefined.

Deep blue, broken by nothing but the occasional island; the sea sends waves crashing to shore.

It seems as though you are caught in the same motions, the same waves of feelings.

Every day:
Wake up
Shower
Go to class
Go to work
Sleep
Repeat

Nothing really changes on a day to day basis.

So here you lay, eyes closed and breathing slowed, as you try to find emotion hidden amidst the waves of life

Your third eye is closed,
Shut by the constant
Wave of conformity
thrashing around you.

This is the wrong road to be travelling
I must be lost,
Swept away by expectations;
Drowning.

Emotions are fleeting,
Often false,
Wrongfully placed in the hands of those unwilling or perhaps
Uncaring.

I am no good at good byes,
But it might be best if you leave me behind.

If that's what you really want to think

It is magnificent how certain people can impact your life,
His soft smile,
Her gorgeous eyes,
These pieces of people that light up our minds.

Astoundingly relatable and easily amazing,
Every one of you is important,
Especially to me.

Looking into
And always
Falling through;

Mirrors hang hopelessly,
Strung out upon walls;

Paint peeling endlessly from their frames,
Crooked and warped,

Like the politicians that line our streets.

But there is more to them than that,
These mirrors hold stories of tears, laughter, and faces long forgotten.

Sly smiles,
Hiding miles,
Stabbing backs,
Hiding behind their stack;
Of lies.

These foxes hunt for prey too weak to fight back, taking swipes at those whose hearts are still soft and malleable

Fighting *****,
Lying mercilessly,
Unceasingly,
They are foxes...

The lot of them

To liken this to the way I feel is to say that two of something is always better than one,
Take for example socks, with their different colors, shapes, and sizes:

One size fits all!

Buy 2 get one free!

That's how it feels to be loved by me,
The more you give, the more you'll see.

Take for example, the way that the sun bends the sky to its will. Bright vibrant blues and soft orange hues;

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

That’s what they always say.

Take for example, the way that the moon murders the sun. Turning those orange hues into its own black muse.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

That’s what they always say.

To liken this cycle to life is to say that every day is the same, a nightmare which in the end, you always die.

The most beautiful thing of all though, is life itself.

I am lost,
I have pretended for so long that I am no longer sure what constitutes myself or the me I created to please others...

The demons of my dreams with their silvery crimson wings rest upon my shoulders disguised as angels;

Beautiful yet horrifying.

Pretending to be something they are not, a common occurrence in the world we live in today, yet one that nobody acknowledges.

Because to admit that, is to say that we have lost ourselves.

And to lose ourselves is to plunge our minds into an anarchy of which depression and anxiety rule over all else.

You were right, in every aspect of the sense;
You were entirely right.
I destroy sunlit beaches with endless darkness,
I ruined the gardens of Eden,
And here I lay now, surrounded by the corpses of my decisions rotting in my mind.

I break hearts that I never wished to break,
I even managed to break my own heart into enough pieces to fill the cup that I drink from.

Poisonous were the things I did and poisonous will they forever be.
.
.
You, were, right.
I am a poison to myself, and I have truly lost everything that once held meaning, be it you, or the love of my friends.

And here I lay now, apologizing for something I did many moons ago because it still haunts me...

You may not care and that is the appropriate response, but I want you to know that you were right, I lost everyone and everything I truly ever cared about because of my own
God
****
*Decisions.

Tears fall from the heavens whilst the angels bewail humanity

It's hard to watch the sun go down every night; the yellow and orange trickling beyond the horizon like a wounded animal, bleeding out into nothingness.

Take the moon;

Cold, tangible, dead.

It's only visible because of the Sun. The same sun it sends to a dark grave every night.

Much like the moon, a family cannot exist without two people, a mother and a father.

Much like the moon, love cannot exist without two people whose love is tangible through *I am in love with you's and the occasional will you bring me some nugs im really hungry.

Much like the moon, a poet cannot exist without inspiration.

Much of which, is inspiration through sadness.

The story goes Eve tricked Adam
But in our story it goes the other
Way
Around.

You see I am the wind, ceaseless ever present, but always changing.

You are the garden, solid, tangible, always growing.

As the wind blows I walked into your life, ever changing I blew away the webs of despair those deathly spiders placed there so long ago.

You accepted me arms outstretched because I was different because there was something about me that was not tangible, it's a shame you didn't see it sooner...

I never had a true home as my home was the sky filled with shadows, hope, and things yet to come.

I only spoke in broken hearts and teardrops

But you, you were wonderful, different, special in ways you could not even imagine.

I thought myself saved from the oppressive life of drifting through the sky aimlessly day by day.

Instead the winds which had left me stranded for so long picked up the very day we began to talk.

And so those deathly spiders blew away and in the proccess the winds became to harsh and I lashed out.

Remember the time when I wasn't a monster?

Your heart fell to the floor amidst a pile of snakes and spiders whose fangs latched on filling it with poison, my poison.

And so I left you without a clue that I had stabbed your heart with my wind, and that the part of the garden cultivating love for me was gone before morning.

I've always been this way, a heathen whose impulsive ideals lead him to commit horrible acts upon the most beautiful of gardens...

I promise,
Give up;
I will never
Love you.
I will always find a way to
Hate you.
It makes me sick thinking about how people could,
Even find it a joy;
To spend time with you,
I will always want
To tell you that,
It makes me happy.

They say that your memories prevail over all other things.

These memories that hold every experience and idea that your brilliant mind ever brought to life.

Painful ones, sad ones, joyful ones, wistful ones, all this because your mind is a vault.

Watching someone die changes you, for the better or for the worse that's your choice.

I've watched someone die; in fact it was one of my best friends whose last breath fell from his lips with the words "I'm sorry" drifting on the stale air.

My mind has stowed this memory into a vault and has never once let it out to play.

Now, it is playing.

His face, the way he smiled and made you laugh, his name rolled off the tounge like water.

My happy memories are hardly enough any more...

How about the time that I was mentally and emotionally abused by a woman who I believed loved me for me.

Instead she took my heart and twisted it into the shape of gun that fired into my mind the day she left.

My memories were scrambled, turned inside out, unfixable;Broken. Beyond. Repair.

I have so few happy memories left untainted, so few.

Everytime I get sad it doesn't just stop; it spirals, uncontrollably, and quickly into Oblivion.

My memories have been tainted, I recommend you hold on to every one of the happy ones you've got left.

Good luck...

There was an old man of Des Moines,
A little thief stole all his coin;
But he cried, 'little thief,
I will give you much grief!'
That oh so poor man of Des Moines.

Home is where the heart is
That's what they always say.
I've seen hate and love and to my own dismay
Families broken by the very thing they live for. This

Very idea that builds and binds us to a social contract
Of how we are supposed to feel and act.
For me, I deny their existence until it comes crashing down
Upon my shoulder that I hold so high.

Take for example gravity,
The weakest force known to man
But still it holds planets together.
Then there is love...

Love: the strongest force of attraction known to man.
It holds more mass and meaning than the most dense star,
And drags people in faster than a black hole,
Yet it can't hold people together, I wonder why must that be...

What a guy,
Me oh my.
His hands move fast,
Makes me want to cast,
A line into the water avast,
Ye matey he is the most ashen fellow
My god sometimes he looks quite yellow;

When the trumpets blare,
He gives them a stare,
And the words we fear,
He says just loud enough to hear,

I have never been so disappointed in my life,

Oh boy what a tear.

Yeah we all got dreams, people tell you  to follow them to the ends of the Earth. The thing people don't tell you, those dreams can fail you and you fall hurt from the pedestal you put yourself on.

People say don't let your dreams rest with other people, but for me so far its working out and they are the one putting me on a pedestal not me nor myself neither I.

T is for the way that you cry upon my shoulder when he doesn't treat you right
O is for the only one i see regardless of how blind you might be to it
X is for the crossing we came too so many months ago
I is for just how much I love you even if you can't see it
C is for caring about you even when we came to that crossing and we cried together in the night because we failed to march on.

Poor bluebird...how late you were to your own party;
I see her standing there on the dance floor, alone.

just Turn and see me, Oh please just turn, lets give that Crossing another shot, I need you Can't you tell?

Across the sea my lover awaits me,
Its funny you see how many might agree.
Perhaps she'll run to my side,
She'll kiss me on the cheek and hop in my car.
Of course then we'll go for a ride,
Only stopping for a few drinks at a bar.

Upon these far flung shores my lover waits for me,
Just how long she'll wait we will have to see.

A knife sharpened not by grindstone but by the words that flow from the mouths of ones peers.

The blood drips a pitter-patter rhythm on the floor

Your skin splits where the knife meets it, the immense feeling of euphoria as the blood flows down your wrists.

The Tears fill your eyes as you know you've failed

The knife drops from your hand and falls to the floor covered in blood.

You can feel your life slipping away from the slits in your wrist

Your knees buckle under the weight of your problems and you fall upon your hopes and dreams.

You cry tears of hatred and self-loathing while you lie bleeding to on the floor of your bathroom, alone

You stand up with wobbly knees and cover your wrists with a shirt to staunch the bleeding.

*Finally you can feel your mind putting the mask over your face that tells everyone, "I am ok..."

Tell me the truth old friend, the truth that has never slipped from your cracked lips.

Tell me why you, the Queen of hearts threw this Jack of spades away.

*Can you remember my liege? The lies that you told so long ago...