Perhaps my queen a heart was never something you had, instead you held a ***** with which you dug your own grave. This Jack of diamonds in the rough patches of life still shone ever so brightly until you decided to club his dreams to death with your lies...

This simple game of cards is more commonly known as the game of *life.

You take the hand of a liar who says that you were their first, but that hand has been held tens of times before you. Highschool hearts are exchanged like currency between people, the more you've got the more popular you are. Some get nothing, some get everything...it's just like at the carnival, but instead it's a carnival of love.

Angels arms open wide to receive the soul of those whose lives ended too short...

To the sound of a gunshot, the silence of disease whatever it may be it took them to early...

I've lost too many in this war known only as life. I have watched as their lifeblood drips from their fingertips and floats blissfully into the sky, coloring it a crimson red in the early morning...

He was too young, taken by death at the ripe age of 15...why I ask every morning as I remember the final smile I ever gave him wishing him luck on his math test later that day...

I remember the look on his face as we parted ways, it was one of hope, only to be dashed by the hell that we live in.

Taken to early he was, forever he will be missed...

On a hot day in July I stood with my hands in my pockets and my mind in the clouds. It felt like I had the world at my finger tips and perhaps for the first time in a long while, I was happy.

Surround yourself with friends and family, let go of all of your dark thoughts, because I did, and look where it got me.

Perhaps one might wonder why the world is filled with people whose only emotions are hate and rage...

Where have those that care gone you might ask?

*Oh they are still there, they just hide from those that hurt them.

The pen, his instrument of self destruction. He holds it between his feelings and his lies. Perhaps if you look closely you will see that his ink is running out.

What's left of his ink bleeds out onto the paper as if his own wrists were slit by the words that he writes...

The one that bleeds the longest is usually the one who smiles the widest.

Tomorrow looms as if it is a storm cloud. Perhaps I should ask what will come of this storm, or perhaps I should just wait it out...

You know when the storm hits it will destroy everything in it's path.

But remember destruction always brings new growth.

Tomorrow looms as if it is a storm cloud. But as far as I know, storms always end with a rainbow.

Warmth on the back of my neck, the sun beating down on the scorched asphalt.

I'm waiting for something, for someone to get here...Oh is that them in the distance?

The shimmering mass moves closer and closer, it's so close I could touch it!

My fingers glance along the edge and I feel a warmth on my lips and then, it is gone.

Whatever it was it was moving to quickly to hold on to but there is a feeling of longing inside me.

I find myself whispering under my breath *please come back...i need you...

It is on starry nights like these that we look upon the sky with wonder in our eyes.

Nights like these that lips crack apart and form the smiles of countless children.

Nights like these where hearts are broken... and mended...

*Come young one, for morning will arrive soon and we have much to do.

Why is it the Moon stays with the Earth?
Why is it that gravity, the weakest of all the forces can hold two Giants together?
Yet chemistry, one of the greatest forces of love, fails to hold so many together...*

Thoughts at the cusp of tomorrow.

The lies in my eyes are as bright as day,
Yet you follow.
The heart that's been beaten to much to even bother to beat itself,
Yet you try.
The mind set on believing that he is nothing and will never be anything but nothing,
Yet you don't give up.

This never-ending passage way of corrupt hearts and broken promises,
Yet there you are.

It's funny how life has a way of giving things to one that they do not deserve,
Yet here we lie, together.

Your eyes are my sinkhole in which I get lost, but it isn't a bad lost, no.
It's the kind of lost that makes you feel like you're walking on clouds, the kind of lost that I wish to be.

Your eyes are my sinkhole,
*Yet I have never been so alive...

The air swirls above me a charcoal black tainted with moonlight:
Why am I awake I whisper aloud...
The pills didn't work again,
Time to take more I guess...

1 Pill
        2 Pills
                 3 Pills
                          4 Pills
                                   5 Pills
I remember you said never take 6,
But black is my favorite color, you would know...
6 Pills
The air swirls black around me one last time as my eyes close forever.

*Goodbye

Get out of my house!
I hate you...
You won't go anywhere you **** idiot!
I don't understand...why father do you hate *me?

You see my mind is as scarred as my wrists.
Abuse
That word is more family then my father.
Failure
Its my middle name.
Mistake
I am one.

His words leave open wounds on my mind,
Fresh blood oozing through the cracks in my mask.

Hey I'm fine I promise!
I'm fine!
I'm...
I......

I'm scarred and this is my story.

My decisions have shaped me,
They have been decisive in my life.

Deciding whether or not I'd take the cigarette,
Whether or not I'd take the shot.

Decisions make up half of your life,
The other half is out of your control.

I Didn't decide to have an abusive father,
One who hits me, bruises me, breaks me.

But here I am, an angel fallen from heaven,
Wings broken not by my own decisions but by others.

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Falling onto your face...
Touching your soul...

With a heart broken so many times,
It's a wonder you haven't...

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Catching in your hair...
Sparkling in your eye...

Take my hand if you want to live,
Because I know I do...

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Filling your heart...
Leaving no holes...

10:00 P.M. "Goodnight mom, goodnight dad!"

11:00 P.M. ZZZZZ

12:00 A.M. Awake with a start, can not sleep, go for a walk.

12:36 A.M. Arrive home, go back to bed, still unable to sleep.

1:06 A.M. Pop pop papapappapappapa pop pop pop
What was that noise? gunfire? No not in Urbandale, impossible.
From mother and fathers room, "That was gunfire...should we call the police? no someone else probably has lets go back to bed..."

5:40 A.M. "Ring Ring Ring"  *Two police officers were killed ambush style, one on 70th and Aurora the other on Merle Hay and Sheridan.

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Sometimes song lyrics are so truthful,
They tell the story of my life they really do..

I am broken in two you know this,
Don't you?
Perhaps I don't show it well enough.
But I know if i did you'd call me crazy and leave...

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Even the simplest things hurt sometimes,
A single misspoken word sends chills down my spine,
I know I'm not perfect, don't try and tell me I am.
I'll never believe you because my whole life I have been misunderstood and ugly.

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Alcohol is the devils brew,
I will never drink beer,
I will never get wasted...

His breath is sour,
His voice is raised,
My cheek stings from a slap...

Poison spills from his lips,
Alcohol spills from his bottle,
Fire spills from his eyes...

Though I can't blame him,
His father beat him as a child,
He grew up with it...

Shut the **** up you mother ******* liar!
I didn't do it dad I swear!
Shut the **** up I know you did!

Running,
Panting,
Crying...

I fall in the snow,
I can't feel my feet,
My hands are bloodied...

Alcohol is the devils brew,
I will never drink beer,
I will never get *wasted...

There is so much more to me than meets the eye,
I’m like a punch bowl spiked with too much liquor.
One mixed drink later and my feelings are all over the place,
Bipolar, ADD, Depression...All these labels on me.

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

Depression hits me like a train sometimes,
Just out of the light and into the blue.
I mean, I am like the train in a sense,
My problems can’t find room on the inside anymore so they cling to me on the outside…

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

My tears fall like rain from my clouded eyes,
It’s not drought season yet dear.
When will it be?
Will it ever be?

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

It’s finally light outside,
The clouds are gone.
“Hey you? Wanna go for a ride?”
“Sure just hold on!”

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes!
This time I am...

In every dream I have you are there, awash with silver moonlight...
Your eyes shining like stars in our own personal universe,
Our fingers intertwine like galaxies webbed with love and longing.
Our bodies pull closer to each other with the strength of black holes, whilst our lips meld together like new suns.
We stay like this orbiting each other until morning comes...

The rain comes down like tears from her Eyes in April.
Her Smile is a crack in the street after a long Winter.
Her Mind is crumbling like a sandcastle on the beach during August.

"I'm fine..."
No I'm really not
"I'm happy I promise!"
Another lie
Why do I lie?
I guess to hide them from the horrid truth of the pandoras box that is my mind...

Me*
I'm a sapling kicked, snapped in two where the heart turns blue.
To you I'm a chance taken, A chance for love to again bloom from my infertile heart.

You are my true love, the only one I see.
The one for me, won't you be?
Do you get *me?

Welcome* to the dragons den...

Nobody ever told me when I was born,
That there would be times when the place where I was welcome would fill with fire...
My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was very young,
She passed away when I was nine...
My father blames me everyday, he calls me a curse

So now I believe that I am worth nothing...

When I was 13 my soon to be stepmom had a stroke,
She was euthanized no more than 2 months ago...
My father blames me everyday, he calls me a curse

I am sure of it now I was an accident...

Today was my birthday, My father called me an accident...

You have no idea dad...no idea...

Go directly to go, collect 200 dollars,
That isn't really how chance works though is it.
I took a chance on you...fell in love, with you...
You didn't take the same chance on me,
It was like you were locked in mortal combat with the words pain and suffering, and I was the bystander.
I knew deep in my heart I could change that if I tried hard enough...
I'm sorry...
It wasn't hard enough...
I still remember the night you called me up crying because you'd broken up with the one you "loved"
I remember when you said you hated me, I remember when you called me on halloween night and said you loved me. Just how fast my heart went when I heard those three words. It was insane.
I was insane thinking I could get you...
But hey I took a

*chance...

When I first met you, your eyes shone with the beauty of the stars twinkling above me.
As time passed the shine began to fade, as I got to know you I learned of why.
Why, I ask...do people beat upon you?
It was as if I was watching your world burn
I lost you for a while, and for months on end I wondered if you were ok...
The next time I saw you, it was as if your heart was as cracked as the sky before a storm...
Why, I ask...do people beat upon you?
I wished to help you more than anything else But I never got the chance
Now as we sit here in limbo, I watch your heart bleed the tears your eyes will not shed.
It
kills me
To see you this way...

The wine stained his lips like
blood
His eyes a wild red full of hate
spills
He doesn't throw physical punches  
not
He hits emotionally and shoots holes in your confidence
just
Love is only a word he knows when he isn't drunk
from
His anger is your burden
open
What did i do wrong father
wounds
you were an idiot...
*it spills from your soul which has been shredded by the same people you cared about

Cold air hits the cheeks of the boy as he runs from his dreams,
The laughs of the other kids come from behind him,
*****, ******, ******! Those are the words he hears as he runs faster and faster trying to escape.
Some of his friends fall off the tightrope, some hold on with only one finger.
But he keeps running and running and running.
He takes one last look behind him and witnesses one of his best friends slip and fall towards the Earth.
Falling, falling, falling but no noise ever rises from below. That was when the boy changed…

Every morning had been a struggle, but now it was as if he had the strength to do anything...he was invincible. But his friends were not... His friend’s ghost, the one he had lost, the one who had fallen. It was as if he appeared in every dream, his eyes so full of pain as if he was still alive. This broke him apart inside, but the mask on his face kept his family and other friends satisfied. But every once in awhile, his mask would crack and his friends would ask, “Are you ok?” And his response varied from yeah, I’m fine to of course you know me...
But
He
Was
Lying,
And
Nobody
Could
Tell...
But one day he decided to throw away that mask and just live his life. His friends saw his pain and instead of laughing they comforted him. He slowly shedded all the weight he carried on his back like the titles of ******, ******, ******, ugly, none of that was true and he knew it...

His friend’s ghost visits him less now, but when he does there is so much less pain in his eyes. *Instead there is happiness, because his friends haven’t fallen with him.