That instinct
You have
When you're this depressed
And
Every time
You're in the
Stainless Steel kitchen
And your mom
Is stirring soup at the stove,
And a dribble of
Tomato basil
Slobbers down the side
Of the black pan.

And there's still
A knife out
From when
Tomato intestines
Sprawled across a cutting board,
Which is now in the
Soap-water sink.

You feel it,
In that second.
Instinct.
Need, really.
To take it
And slice open your wrists,
Or maybe just one,
If you're having a good day.

You seriously consider it.
It isn't just a thought.
It can
Scare you, really.

You want-
And one day, might need-
To pick up that knife
And do bad things.
Things that good girls
Wouldn't dream of.

But you don't do it,
And you won't do it,
Because your mom is right there
Stirring soup
And ignoring tomato drool.

And it's such short notice,
You haven't written your note yet.

The sparkle each day may come your way,
Experience something new everyday,
Don't limit yourself on the same things,
Do more of what you love, the more joy it'll bring,
Say sorry whenever you know something you've done is wrong,
Don't hold such pointless grudges for way too long,
Keep in your heart love for those dear to your heart,
Life is a canvas, and you are making art,
Making mistakes is part of learning,
Musn't let your self-anger continue burning,
Share with those who need it most,
That man on the street who has only had a piece of toast,
The little things in life,
No matter how many sorrows or fights,
Do not ask for a simple life, rather ask for the strength to endure a difficult one,
It matters what you've given to the world, the efforts you've done,
The lessons of life come from experiences,
and in the end it's a human being's brilliance.

It struck a chord in me to say the least.
Your voice filled with the hurt and pain
that I experience most nights alone in my bed.
Your eyes allowing me to peak into your window
and see underneath the layers of self-confidence
where I’d find the same marks of doubt.
I should have known we were one in the same
the day you told me I was pretty
because you saw the sadness in my arms.
But instead, I dug deeper into myself
searching for love that would never arrive
and in people who wouldn’t think twice
of sailing me out to sea.
I needed someone like you who understood
how my scalding showers shed the skin
I could no longer bear to be in
and how no matter how loud I sang
the suicidal thoughts wouldn’t go away.
I never realized I needed you,
but ******* did you need me.
You viewed me as your sunshine
when I only saw myself as shade.
I’m sorry that my words are coming to you so late.
How could I have been so blind
when you could see right through me?

“How would you feel if I killed myself?”
Well,
do you ever think that butterflies
floating from flower to flower
wonder “what’s my purpose?”
Because I never thought something so beautiful
could question its existence.

Sometimes you just fall
Down down down
into the darkest pit of yourself
Until you don't know who you are anymore
Or where these scars came from anymore

Oh right. That was last night.
In an attempt to ease the pain

It didn't work, just pulled me further into the dark
Down down down
Until I couldn't feel the pain anymore
Until I didn't know who you were anymore

*Until I lost myself completely