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Feeling Real Apr 2015
Wake me
A drive by red stoplight
Up and over
The land - the hills
The urge to keep itching, keep scratching

Keep me from mundane
Familiar conversation with no thought
Nothing guiding
No real meaning
Introspection and motives lost
As the moment passes

Achingly slow, that fire
Runs through the ground and ignites
A smolder - I’m older and I don’t really feel the years

A hand reaching backwards
Tells me to keep up
Lest the conversation pull me away
Feeling Real Jul 2016
i'm trying to figure out why everything
is so un-
so underwhelming
the only escape is in scenes in head
in the silhouette of movie frame
in the space between the lines in song
i feel utterly
so un-\
inspired
intuitive
inundated
just save me god
rescue me from the none
the un-
Feeling Real May 2014
A glimpse in
Where matters are settled
Where emptiness as devil
Etches patterns
On my stone walls
A cave where light seldom reaches
A palate of distrust, hatred, blood
Inside it shines
In light of the seed
Of hope I cling desperately to
I bask in its heats release
Shy away from the dark
Though it permeates
Waiting for falter
I am drug under
The gasps and slights in breath
A shaky end, whitened blend of
The peace and serenity within
They end
Blackened attraction for finality
The action to silence
And extinguish all I see
All I am, me
When I glimpse in
Feeling Real Jun 2014
I turned the page
Opened my self up
to find what I wanted
eager
to grab
that which appeared to me
Prepared for the worst
expecting the best
A function of ego
Let go
Let go
of it
everything
a fictitious
nothing
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I'm angry because the darkness came and left me
No calling card, no receipt, just a memory
Where the haze lingered and made me the joke
I can find no satisfaction in re-telling my woes!
I just feel and then I stay the witness, alone!
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I am an innocent child
perceived as a nymph
more desirable than I can comprehend
I, a poor wretch, used up
drained of what I could be
Twice now, destroyed
brought back down to Earth
I had escaped long ago
It took so long to heal
and now, again, nothing seems real
I am in a state of transition
It took 7 years
to be fine for 6 months
7 years to heal for nothing
but a half year of complacency
and I'm broken again
It feels like my fault
Feeling Real Mar 2014
I think in pictures and remember in notions*

energy sifting
with me itching
but the change is seldom
well-done meat
inedible to those few and me
mismatched and yet intact
daily glue found as tack
hold what together
eat what whenever
and grow much further out
encasing a lard of DNA
made possible only away
as mind is ripped
unholy, unfinished within us
dipped in wax
made candles to burn
I burn, I yearn
and yet still, I wander
nothing is worth this
uncontrolled
sold lies
and truths ignored
one should live by
Feeling Real Feb 2021
All of my attractions are unaffected
By my presence or my fantasies or my rage
I am the devouress
The success in making my smiling face
Less of a menace
More, say, pleasant

And the anxiety won’t eat me up this time
Because I’ll live in sorrow, ignorance
Lay all my letters in a notebook
Where I scream between the lines
I never told the crime
And even though it’s not, it is mine
Feeling Real Feb 2014
i want to **** myself
i want to die
take a handful of pills in shame and forever fly
how unfortunate
i am now distraught
i want to end
i cant believe i did what i did
i cant believe i was open and honest
and i am not who i want to be
he knows it and can see it, too
i want to die
i want to end
and never see another one again
Feeling Real Feb 2021
I don’t think I’m the type of person to be loved
I will always do the loving
Only my tender sighs
Gloss curtains, silk
Brown hair, tattoos
Muscles and uniform
I fall again and again
For everyone and for you
And it never matters
Even when I need it to
Feeling Real May 2014
Silky body
glistening leaf
the trees, alive, sing
Feeling Real Feb 2021
I can feel him
Like the ghost of a touch
The breath on a glass
Long forgotten

A temperature cradled in silk
After I’ve left the bed
That only holds
Until the room absorbs it

That’s him
Left in the last swallow of wine
Who you imagine
In the pages of the books you read
Feeling Real Oct 2022
I am standing on street corners
And huddled in the shelter
Every other
Fourth night
When the weather
Just, the frigid weather
Turns my bones to ice

He won’t drink with me like this
He can’t think beyond his brains, his fists
Feeling Real Nov 2014
Raspberry Coke
Drug-drip joke
Massage my lungs
With nicotine tongue
Feeling Real Jun 2014
I am not a beautiful girl
who loathes her being
her grace, her pale skin
the veins that protrude
But I loath existence
I loath the mirror
reflecting the distortions
that may or may not be there

I am an untroubled woman
who absolutely hates
everything about myself
physical or otherwise
but it's ignored at all times
until it's finally brought up
I realize I can not love or communicate
or have a relationship
that is more than superficial

I sit, writing, but words don't always come
I want to describe the utter nothing I feel
I want words to flow like water
like smoke or smell
not stunted like I seem or am
Feeling Real Oct 2014
I apologize for my slumped shoulders
But I feel a need to collapse inwards
While you put your back towards me
I am speaking to your subconscious gesture
I will leave, then

Walk the riverbank as light fades
Blue skies are an envelope for dusk
The stars open the night to me on the left
There's no sunset to behold
I was too late exiting school to watch
Yesterday, the fog and rain made the sunset give me a rainbow

Autumn has come and left me longing for cold
Winter always feels like eternity
The sun's white light is cleaner than dead plant matter
Feeling Real May 2014
I am apportioned to the beast
in this porcelain affair
Laid back against the will
imposed upon me
If I were at fault I would concede
Full of everything besides this
abhorrent singularity

The worm is no more than the fungus
as I am no more than he
but this **** ego collapses
When I feel no superiority
Illuminated by yellow light
a bathroom mirror destroys the illusion
My distorted features

Allowed to imagine the similarities
Mood sour, taut skin, sunken features
existing just to taunt myself
I haven't died, nor even tried
Stuck in the hollow between emotions
life continues alone to leave me
pacing and writing my disease
Feeling Real Apr 2014
I do not oppose will
nor bend away
when challenged or tied

but to deny me
a true torture
though I will not fight
nor wish for a difference
or an attitude
because objectively
rejection is easy
Feeling Real Jan 2014
this poem may trigger and is entirely, as the title suggests, vile**


A black room in faded blue light
night time party
We have drugs and alcohol and nice men
for your individual company

I drift between all conversations
he insults my intelligence
he’s so much smarter than me
he can prove it without trying
and I really believe it

A black light lit room
he’s been waiting for time
to stroke my ego and then put me down
I let him

My hesitancy is to be expected
he's older, he knows more than I could
I wouldn’t want to wait my whole life
for something I can get now
He’s so much smarter than me
I am so beautiful
worth forehead kisses and lingering touches
deserving of his attention

So we touch and writhe
and then again, later
there’s no real witnesses
and I feel cared for

Then morning light comes
and he informs me he did not
so I am obligated for round 3

In the bathroom
while the shower runs
freezing cold over me

I messed up, please stop
but I must have not been too scared
because I only asked and didn’t leave

His fist pulled at my scalp
and he told me I liked it
made me tell him I loved him

"You’re never going to get this anywhere else
You’re going to come back to me”
I'm shaking too hard to hold myself up

I’m crying, stifling it into my arm
I’m trying to shut up
but it hurts and I can’t think

"Shut up
You want me to come, don’t you?”
I want it to be done
Feeling Real Dec 2015
We weren't running from the glass left
Shattered on the apartment floor we were living
The best way we could, cabinets bare, feeling
Where could the best advice take us?
Where would we fashion the best replacement?
Kindness, strangers, bars emptied into wet pavement
We were beautiful before darkness
Said, "Hello"
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I don't know where the wind blows
But it starts in my chest and takes me
It's somewhere like home
I'm over the slime and the tar pits
No splatterings or heat
Ever mar my body
I am alone
another ode to death i need to release
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I've met a man who has traveled the world
while I boast an intelligence I don't believe in
I talk, as if I have learned something
His eyes follow me
as if I had something for him to take
There is no information or physical form to give
I am a hollowed tree
Disgusting from the outside and mostly empty
Feeling Real Oct 2014
I have won something
Chance random
I come out on top
How hatred bursts and runs over

A cup, how small
Fills and wills paper towel
And cloth bandage
Reccuringly fixable
Yet
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Yet
I was warned against the continuation
and the ever-growing fantasies that result in obsession
because mine and his, together, would ignite and explode
I was washed against a mirror image
wherein I only saw futures imagined
I was sure to earn only those I could let burn
How unfortunate for me, I live and bleed
because to extinguish one would warrant the other useless
and, in turn, to obtain a purpose, to draw a line
two things I can not do while tied in twine,
are all I can imagine would redeem the wretch
of thoughts I cater to for actions I now can not do
I am repeatedly told I idolize the ways of old
By smart and dumb alike, I’m told I am humourous
I am intelligent, an idol to mold into if they could
To the untrained eye I am nothing but joyous
though my final trap crept up, noiseless
and slowly, creeping, silent, I accepted this deed
wherein I allow myself to die by forgetting to feed
This end takes time and is my greed and guilt
because nobody would sympathize with a flower who chose to wilt
I was once light, the Earth’s true child
who hoped and wished for relief for a being higher
but that was once, a very long time ago
before I had dedicated years to feeling only my woe

My selfish end will come, and be just that

because no matter my weight, I am always fat.
Feeling Real Feb 2014
Limbs long, dragging lazily
demeanor wavering and hazy
Your protruding hips and wrists
I devoured on sight
My mind palace holds them
to be recalled while lonely or jealous
Someone else gets to touch them
they feel the hollows of skin
and grab, or run their fingers along you
Smooth, gentle, light flutterings
Hands encasing that which lie lost
Baggy clothes, hiding you from all
My notions are innocent fascinations
I could run my hand along all of you
at least once without getting bored
I've lasted months without
I could longer, but I'm weakening
Perhaps, not even seeking another
I can wait

— The End —