Love untold, so bold, not cold;
Dream desire of my soul.
Arms strong, I belong, nothing wrong;
Passionately crave the whole.

Eyes aflame, no blame, no shame;
Deep longing of my heart.
Nectars flow, not slow, from below;
To be fully fed, not in part.

Veil opening, divine parting, inviting
Desperate hunger to be filled.
Sweet scent, holy mint, lover's tent;
My crying spirit would be thrilled.

Sure dreams are cool,
Let's meet in some faraway mystical place,
Let's embrace in airports baggage claim,
And pretend that this is the way it is supposed to happen,
Let us say hello and goodbye in opening sentences, 'Sorry I must go...soon',
How about a few days in my life?
Spent like wasted money and time,
9 days of double-shifts and coming home to grab 4 hours of sleep and imagining you beside me,
To give me a reason to keep going,
When all I really want is an eternal kiss and permission to say 'Gnight'. To sleep forever. To leap from a mountain, and turn into a bird before the ground reaches me, and rise on the winds.

So many small things occupy my mind

There are major revelations,
some minor hesitations and
some absolute truths
that just seem to get my back up
but only one truth.
It seems to circle around
and round
inside my tiny little brain
to come about to smack me
up the back of my head
trying to insinuate a sensibility
that I will always lack.

I heard the other day that you died.

It wasn't because fate intervened,

it wasn't the wrong place or wrong time...

You called the end to yourself...

The sadness I felt was not my pain at your demise
It was your pain, your ultimate decision
to decide that you were no longer worthy
to live, with a smile on your face, but with death
in your eyes.
You decided you could no longer live
beneath your disguise.

And we all thought it was ok that you went that way...

It was appropriate that you went out
in a blaze... be it of glory or opportunity
no matter how hard we tried to be disgusted
you, my friend, went your way.

So alright!

I know you didn't feel any pain
because you got what you wanted,
an end to the insurmountable mountains
less steps to climb, less breaths to take,
less mistakes to make, less truths to find

But tell me...

As you stand there in front of me, at the end of my bath
and watch me take the blade and make the cut,
do you laugh?
Do you mock me for my efforts to leave this world
of pain, do you pity me for my pretense or could you
sit for a moment and let me explain?

Could you sit for a moment and explain it to me?*

Because I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there.
I don't think you are there,
to greet me
I don't think there would be anyone on the other side,
to meet me.
There would be no one to say
"Hey... welcome?"

There would be no looking beyond the scars,
there would be no hanging around the stars
shining brightly upon all that was left.
There would just be anger and unjustified angst
and a small amount of amusement, just enough
to leave the bereaved that little less bereft.

I think about you everyday, and the way you died
I think about it everyday and even though I tried
I've never been able to to be happy for you
because you were able to escape
I've always been angry with you
that you regretted all you gave
your wounds where so raw and your actions
never, ever seemed to take shape

I share your same helplessness but I can't cut
any deeper because I see your eyes in your
Son and Daughter

and in them I see you
in them I see Love
in them I see me
and what I can give

and I know that I can survive the pain
if I look into their eyes,
which beg me to live!

Sitting in bath water gone cold
like a body that has expelled a child
There is no life left in the womb
but the outer shell will live for a while

So, thank you for your visit
I'll be ok, *I'm alright
I'm stronger than emotions
that want to strangle me in the night

I know you died a painful death,
in the end you made it all wrong
please don't dance upon my empty grave
I think, just this one time
where you were weak
I'll be strong

Another drunk poem between headphones, static & blank screens
surround me
Awoke in the morning with a gamblers smile, like seagulls flocking,
resting, gliding
Broken, crushed, words like quiet jokes until that last whisper under
***** sheets in a cheap motel
Yet we sip our poison and smoke our cancer, brothers and friends crammed
into closeness
Smiles spent on the eyes of those to lovely to smile back, yet their
hearts were warmed
By gapped tooth grins and young men with dirt under
bitten fingernails
Last night the headlights behind me made silver halos
in the mist
As I walked down gravel roads with mud stuck everywhere, my
constant companion
Some days I forget I’m human, that I exist, sitting in the passenger seat,
watching the world run by
Two kids with backpacks and a stray cat, asked them where they were heading,
“Hitchhiking to nowhere..”
Nowhere sounds about right right now, looking at the
state of things
A place of fragrant trees and uncut grasses, stones unturned and
clear running streams
The broken limestone memories of my childhood call
to me
Not much left of that anymore, just fragments like a
smashed tooth
Can’t even think some days, easier not to I think, easier to let
it all pass by
I saw a darkness today, and I closed my eyes to try for
light
Standing under rusty bridges, flicking dead embers
away
Between blue lines on the page I spill thoughts like
spoilt milk
Scribbles and scratches, wasted and unwanted, lost between
memories
Memories I claim, not sure if they’re even mine
anymore
Twenty two years old with a death wish by thirty
Dots and lines, a splash of smiles and laughter, stains
in the carpet
And we sit here like corpses, the two of us, cigarette butts between
twitching fingers
Stilled by the last exhale, the moment between
inaction and locomotion
Our still waters stirred, clear blue skies filled with rain clouds, still
blue above them
Your room, surrounded by rooms full of people, washing dishes or
watching their dreams die on T.V. screens
None of that matters to me, just your breath and hearing your voice for a second
before sleep takes over
I left a note in that book you told me you’d read, guess you
never got around to it