sometimes i am emotionally unavailable on purpose.

i put my phone under my pillow so i can't hear it beep and buzz and twang
i turn off my facebook chat and ignore your messages.
i don't even do it because i can't handle it
i can handle anything
i was born with an innate sense of determination
and morality
but sometimes i feel the need to be an unattached *******
just to see what it's like

i'll go on youtube and watch ****** videos
i'll even laugh
when i know that somewhere you're feeling like i do all the time
i won't give a single ****
not even a tiny pang will reach my carefully wired heart
right now it's plugged into too many other things that are ******* the energy out of it
to take note

i hope you feel ******* terrible
i'm not even bothered
i will be later
but not now
message away...

la,
la
can't hear you,
can't hear you.

I am ***
inadmissibly slapped too many times
bruised and shapely underneath my jeans
moving with defening sound waves
I have grown tired of your exploitations

shaving my skin with that dry old razor i wont talk no i wont even scream
shave my mind and maybe ill be happy again
shave my words shave them down until maybe they make some beauty
shave my thoughts and maybe you'll find some sense  
shave my soil shave it all away and ill be your slave
shave my feeling and maybe you'll feel like me maybe for a minute
shave my face shave my brows shave my hair
shave me down all that i am
shave no cut. cut deep into me with that razor blade
stripe me of my flesh warm and still strong you can have it  
stripe me of my brain still ticking and prepossessing still electric
just don't
have what you want but don't take my friend please don't.

He told me:
If you want to cut yourself,
then you're going to have to take my arm,
look me in the eyes,
and cut as many times as you would yourself.
I told him:
I couldn't hurt you like that.
and then I understood.
everything.

ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
cutting.
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.